Okay, a vote by a show of hands...
--Who wants to see a photo shoot video of FinsNation's Official Girl, Bibiana?
--Who wants to read about Jason Taylor and his latest performance on Dancing With the Stars?
Yea, that's what I thought.
And to the homo who voted for JT, here.
Otherwise, enjoy....
I'm gonna run you guys til you puke godammit! Now give me thirty more laps! I'll be watching from here while I eat my roast beef sandwich. I'm gonna have you all in tip top sha... .... mmmmmmmm ..... roast beef ......
Well, I've finally gone and pissed off the wrong people. Jets fans? No. Mormons? Nope. Scientologists? Wrong again. Fans of Miami's pro soccer team and their mascot? Why, yes! Wait! Miami has a pro soccer team? Whaaa????
Yes and yes. It seems they didn't take kindly to any of the two or three articles I wrote about the Miami FC Blues soccer club for the Miami New Times. As you can probably guess, I wrote some snarky shit about them because, well, I'm an asshole. Also because, c'mon, how could I not? It's my duty as an American to rip a team that features washed up MLS players, calls itself the Blues, holds their home games in a public park where most people go to fly kites, feed ducks and make out on park benches, and have a mascot that likes to make glory-hole posters. I calculated the odds of something being so perfectly set up to be made fun of. Mathematically, I had to do it.
So, here's what the the team's fan club president wrote on their website:
Chris Joseph is a sports writer for the Miami New Times who ... made disparaging comments about our supporting staff saying, "the team does have a four-girl cheerleading squad and features a mascot that looks like Woody Woodpecker on HGH"... Joseph makes the borderline witty comment "Miami FC Blues are still very much a part of the South Florida sports scene — in that they suck"... Then, like a member of Al Qaida at a U.S. Army recruiting booth, provided time, date and location for the game this weekend against Carolina... If I were a lesser man I'd tell you to go "@#%” yourself…Go "@#%" yourself! Let's get together and find out this guys e-mail address so we can share our thoughts on his ignorant comments.
He eventually posted my e-mail and MySpace address for the fans to send me e-mails and tell me how they're not going to take this lying down dammit!!! So far, I've received a whopping one e-mail. Power to the people!!
Anyway, it's all good. Sure they posted my personal e-mail and compared me to a terrorist network. But hey, when a writer's level of nastiness is calling a guy in a bird suit "Woody Woodpecker on HGH," then, yes, he's definitely in league with murdering religious extremists. Now, I can fight back. I happen to have this fan club president's name and e-mail and I can have you, Fins Nation Army, send him angry e-mails. After all, I'm sure the over 2,000 loyal visitors I get here can find the time to write a quick e-mail for me. But I won't. Because I'm not a douche.
Instead, I'll ask you, FN, to re-name the Miami FC mascot, Hotshot, in the comments. Hotshot doesn't quite cut it and Woody Wood Pecker on HGH doesn't seem to work for them.... so, have at it. Give this pecker a new name...
For decades the Miami Dolphins have had a running blood feud with AFC East rivals Buffalo Bills. But now, it seems we have a common enemy. No, not the Patriots. Not even the Jets.
It's those damn dirty Canadians!
You heard right. Canadians. Canada is right on top of us on the map. Guess that makes them our asshats. With their menacing maple leaf flag, their gay horse riding cops and this thing they call "Hockey," they're poised to take over our very precious way of life. Namely, watching football while eating a big ass cheeseburger with onion rings and barbecue sauce. Oh sure, they may seem polite, even cordial. But don't be fooled. They're all kinds of backwards up there. From speaking French to playing football on 110 yard fields and yet only featuring 3 downs instead of 4. And if that wasn't enough, did you know they're responsible for unleashing Celine Dion upon the world? Merciless cold hearted bastards! Now they want to take our beloved American football away by charging a Moose's ass for a ticket.
Sideline seats from the end zones to the 20-yard lines will cost $295 a game. Anyone who wants to sit in the lower bowl of the Rogers Centre between the 20-yard lines will pay more than $300.
The Dolphins will play the Bills in Canada on December 7th. So if you were planning to fly up there to watch the team, don't. Unless you're a complete sucker. Or you just hate America. Besides, it would appear that only those Canadians who live in three-story igloos will be able to attend this game. Forget that wall the government wants to build to keep the Mexicans out. We need a wall around Canada. As for Buffalo, they seemingly sold their soul to the evil Canadians for $78 million to make this game happen. Since we can't build a wall around them, let's just keep doing what we've always done: pretty much not take them very seriously. What's their big contribution to society? Deep fried chicken wings? Like we couldn't figure that one out for ourselves.
Unless you want to read a riveting story on why Josh McCown thinks he'll suck less in Miami than he did in Arizona, Detroit or Oakland, there's not much going on in the news for the Fins. So, with time and space to kill, we present to you a special news brief along with some commentary that is sure to piss some people off and earn us a lot of angry e-mails. But what the hell. Here goes: Your Miami Dolphins are now the all-time league leaders in Mormons! We currently have six Latter Day Saints on our roster. Here's your Miami Dolphin LDS breakdown (feel free to consult this list when you have your All Religion Fantasy Football league draft):
QB John Beck: The original baby! He is The Mormon. And he shall lead this glorious band of fantastical six Latter Day Saints!
Long Snapper John Denney: When you're the team's long snapper, you're going to spend a shitload of time on the bench. Why not spend that time reading? Why not the Book of Mormon? Nothing makes time go by between punts like a book featuring Native Americans and Jesus!
OL Shaun Murphy: At 6-3, 330 pounds and with a buzzcut fit for a psych ward patient, Murphy is just the latest in the legion of badasses throughout Mormon history. Badasses like Donnie Osmond, for example.
LB Kelly Poppinga: Will be a special teams stalwart thanks to strong legs powered by 12 hour bike rides through your neighborhood.
Center Samson Satele: As a Samoan, he's part of the smallest racial group in the United States. But the Church of the LDS wants Mormons to have like 12 kids, so it'll all even out.
WR Davone Bess: As long as Bess remains a Miami Dolphin, when the LDS Church leaders take their annual membership census, they'll know where they can find the black guy.
So there you go! Miami Dolphins, Mormon strong! Mitt Romney and special underwear wearers everywhere approve! And, hey... could be worse.
pic taken from the greatness that is The Sports Hernia
When Jason Taylor finishes his Dancing With the Stars gig, he'll jump on a plane and head straight for .... Des Moines?
Yup. Instead of joining the team for training camp in late May when DWTS ends, JT will be heading to Iowa for a charity golf tournament.
Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor will play in the pro-am event at The Principal Charity Classic May 28 at Glen Oaks Country Club. Other celebrities scheduled to appear in the event include Iowa State wrestling coach Cael Sanderson, athletic directors Gary Barta and Jamie Pollard, Bobby Hansen and Tom Davis. Actor Ron Livingston...
I hate Jason Taylor. Not because he's neglecting his duties with the Miami Dolphins. But because he gets to dance with chicks with hot asses and play some golf and that's pretty much it for his day. Hell, I'd do anything for that and I fucking hate golf. What's more important here is wondering how long before Bill Parcells loses his shit and finally starts calling JT out through the media. I also can't wait for the Miami Herald, Palm Beach Post and Sun-Sentinel to write their endless throng of obligatory articles on all this. Again. Good times.
As for me, I just think it's the tits that as soon as he finishes dry-humping this broad, he's off to Iowa to play golf with Peter Gibbons! Jason Taylor's life is awesome.
Sup. Steve Fifita here to tell you how you can become an NFL Pro Bowler. I've never been there myself, but take it from me. I know. And knowing is half the battle 'n shit. First, eat a lot of honey glazed hams. Not so much because they help you become a better football player in as much as they're just delicious. Then, run 5.15 seconds in the 40 yard dash. That's most likely due to the ham so don't worry about it. Nothing a good long shit can't take care of. Then, sign with the Miami Dolphins as an undrafted free agent. Then, get waived. Eat more ham. Try out with another NFL team like the Vikings or some shit. It doesn't matter because the Dolphins will re-sign you anyway. Re-sign with the Dolphins. Play up to your most mediocre standards as possible. Hey, you're a Miami Dolphin, so it's cool. Get waived again the following off-season. Then, sign with the Patriots six days later. Bingo. You're on your way to the Pro Bowl, bitches! And that's how you get to be a Pro Bowler in ten easy steps. Don't forget the part about the honey glazed ham. That's key. That and playing for the Dolphins and then going straight to the Patriots afterwards. But it's mostly about the ham, in my opinion.
We now turn your attention to Dan Le Batard's latest column in the Herald. And the subject is ... sigh ... the Jason Taylor-Bill Parcells feud.
Parcells would like his star lifting weights here. Instead, his star is being named one of People magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People there. Parcells would like his star leading his teammates here. Instead, his star is huddling on TV with Jay Leno there. Parcells wants Taylor in pads, not wardrobe. It is old school versus new school. Caveman versus chameleon. Dictator versus dancer. And 20 million people can tune in every week to see why the tension keeps growing, step by step.
I think the proper response here is to go ahead and slam your head against a wall as hard as you can. A cerebral concussion-induced coma takes about 3 months to come out of. This story should be wrapped up by then. Or you can just stick your fingers in your ears and say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la...." really loudly whenever you hear someone bring this up again. Either option works.
Google Image search for 'Abe Wright' produces pic of Enos from Dukes of Hazard, no pics of Abe Wright
The Dolphins made some roster moves today. Most notably, they released linebacker Abraham Wright and signed rookies linebacker Keith Saunders and cornerback Scorpio Babers.
So to recap, they cut a guy whom we all probably thought was a good draft pick last year and signed a Spider-Man villain.
The BIG news of the day is the special weekend gathering of....
The Sweaty Ass-Crack Club?
The Swamp Pit Society?
The Merciless Bullying of 22 Year Olds Trying To Land a Job On A Football Team By Making Them Run In The South Florida Sun Until There Is Complete Internal Organ Shut Down Association?
No! Not really. It's actually..... ROOKIE MINI CAMP!!!!!
And ALL the papers have you covered:
The Herald: Jake Long is confident he improved during the three days of camp. "I got better," he said. He will return to South Florida May 16 and get settled, and hopefully start to get acclimated with the heat.
The Sentinel: Chad Henne struggled on Sunday. His passes were off the mark on a number of reps, but it's hard to tell if it was him or the receiver.
The PB Post: Sparano said he really won’t know anything about new team until the full squad is together for the first time on May 16 … the first day of OTAs (organized team activities).
So ... Jake Long measures his own performance by dropping a "I got better" on us, Chad Henne ran out of gas by the third day and started throwing footballs at the Gatorade buckets, and Tony Sparano says that he really won't know anything about his new team until everybody shows up.
In related breaking and equally important news, I bought some grapes yesterday and, to my amazement, they turned out to be seedless! Fuck yea!!!
