Too much embarassment. Too much stupidity. Too much humiliation.
We’re gonna make our voices heard AGAIN. Will it work this time? Probably not. But it will be funny to laugh at them all over again. Fuck it!
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What a way to win the game baby….
“Man, talk about a team win,” Wake said on the NFL Network’s postgame show. “We had a short week, [lost] the last couple games, it was really tough. Everybody had to dig down deep.”
Allow me to address some of the issues we’re having in a more realistic way that doesn’t involve me blowing billows of smoke up your asses:
- Tyson Clabo is a worthless piece of shit at RT and I’m going to do nothing about that. He’s fine because I say so.
- Ryan Tannehill will continue to play until his face gets mauled by a wild boar that has run loose in the stadium or UNTIL I FUCKING SAY SO
- Cameron Wake is FUCKING FINE and, like, didn’t you see him running around out there yesterday? HE’S FINE, YOU GUYS. HE’S TOTALLY OKAY.
- I passed the ball on that final, calamitous drive because I’m the coach and Mike Sherman is the offensive coordinator and WE DON’T GIVE A FUUUUUCK. YOLO. FOMO. ALL THAT SHIT. You say we should have run the ball given the limited success we had and played our chances with our supposedly AWESOME defense against a 3rd string fucking nobody quarterback pinned back up against his own goal line? YOU’RE CRAZY
- Daniel Thomas is a gifted running back the likes we haven’t seen since Earl Campbell in his fucking hey-day. Also, he has video of me blowing a horse in Horse Country Kendall last year. It was a dark time for me. I was drunk.
- Mr Ross pays me to do the best job I can getting this team prepared every Sunday. That being said, I will gladly take all of that VERY STUPID GARGOYLE’S money for as long as I can dupe him. Idiots.
- Wait til you see what I have planned for next Sunday against the Pats! You ever seen a quarterback try and throw every pass from behind the back??? OOOOOH HOOOOO HOOOOEEEEYY!
Any more questions? Good. I gotta go get those damn kids and scare them out of the abandoned amusement park now!
It’s nothing compared to the COCKCAKES he usually gets, but we here at FinsNation felt it was apropos to send along this wonderful gift basket to Brent Grimes. Yes, he gave up a long pass to TY Hilton early in the game but his balls-as-fuuuuuck interception of Luck’s deep pass near the end of the game was a pajama jammy jam! Worth mentioning as well: Reggie Wayne caught a few balls but none of them were for any very big plays.
Cuz ole’ COCKCAKES is on the job, buddy. AND THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL YOUR #1 RECEIVER IS HAVIN’ A FIELD DAY ON OLE’ COCKCAKES!
Holy cockshoes your Miami Dolphins are 2-0!
After taking down Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts 24-20, the Fins are off to the races, starting the season 2-0 for the first time IN LIKE A DECADE.
Kinda like the first time I ever dry-humped my mattress, this feels weird, but also really good!
Feel free to give us your take in the comments. Here are some quick thoughts following the win:
- COCKCAKES Grimes has been pretty stellar so far. That INT in the endzone as he covered Reggie Wayne was the play of the game. Keep in mind that before his injury with the
BucsFalcons, Grimes was one of the best corners in the league. If his knee can hold up for the rest of the year, the Fins might have gotten themselves quite the bargain. He keeps this up, and he’ll be in line for Most Improved Player. And we can celebrate with cake!
- Ryan Tannehill still looks a tad jittery in the pocket, and forces some shit throws — or he’ll just stand there and forget that this is tackle football and that the defensive line doesn’t have to count Mississippi’s before rushing him. BUT, he can throw darts in small spaces and seems to be getting a grasp of NFL speed. His long-ball still has the accuracy of DRK trying to take a shit when he’s drunk, but there is visible improvement. And he outplayed Andrew Luck in this game. So, there’s that.
- Our linebackers still can’t cover tight ends. If the Colts coaches had realized this, maybe this game would’ve had a different outcome.
- Dion Jordan pushed Andrew Luck. He PUSHED him. This happened. What the shit?
- Mike Wallace needs to BITCH AND MOAN SOME MORE. Because that shit works, evidently.
- The Dolphins committed zero penalties in this game. That’s fucking bananas.
- The offensive line remains, as ever, a big wet grocery bag of dog shit. I mean what the fuck is a Ryan Clabo? And enough already with Daniel Thomas whiffing on his blocks.
- We’re really, really, super good at finding kickers. Caleb Sturgis is a beardless Dan Carpenter.
- Brian Hartline and his CAT-LIKE REFLEXES had yet another stupendous game. We like fucking with the guy on Twitter, but it’s time we gave him his due. Hartline is a gamer. Sure, he forever fucked up when he came after DRK with his lame cat trash talk. But he more than makes up for it with his play, and with his deciding to not block the shit out of everyone on Twitter when they tweet out stuff like :
— Alice (@AliPhinchik) September 15, 2013
Call your grandma and tell her “MEOW” — Kevin Mayer (@KevinCMayer) September 15, 2013
CATS! — Adam Smoot (@adamsmoot) September 15, 2013
THE MAGICIAN!!!!! MEOOOWWWWWW — Rizzmiggizz (@RizzWrites) September 15, 2013
MEOWWWWWWWW — Silky m33m Johnson (@HeatBoner) September 15, 2013
MEOW! — JERK (@DanGnajerle) September 15, 2013
Cats!!!!!!! — Gigi (@G_Nazari) September 15, 2013
We’re such assholes.
BUT WE’RE HAPPY ASSHOLES WHO ARE 2-0 FUCK YEA.
(The most perfect bit by Louis CK EVER)
Fins at Colts
The Guy That Could Have Been Our Star Franchise Quarterback vs. The Consolation Prize Guy With a Wife People Inexplicably Find Hot.
Should be a hoot!
Will Miami go 2-0? Can they? STAY TUNED…
Bang up the comments section why dontcha….