FinsNation

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween, Nation.

Tom Brady was already in on the festivities during last Sunday's post-game presser. He's dressing up as Hillary Duff.

Seriously. A newsboy cap. Seriously. How can you not hate this fucker?

If you're gonna party tonight, be safe. Trick O' Treating? Likewise.

Down here in Miami it's raining like Noah just collected the last remaining alpacas and all the women and liquor he could carry (40 days and nights worth), and rambled up into his boat. Sheets of rain.

But fuck that. I'm going out anyway. My three year old son is dressing up like a Power Ranger. Afraid of getting soaked and catching a cold? Man up, boy. Because that costume made of thin polyester and synthetic nylons that cost the sweat shop people $3.00 to make, cost me $30.00 to purchase. So grab your bucket and let's do this. And no rain coats either. I don't recall ever seeing a Power Ranger wearing a rain coat. You want candy? You're earning that shit tonight.

Happy Halloween!

John Beck is Committed

Know when a guy is a real badass? When he decides he’s going to study the playbook every chance he gets, every waking minute of the day and night. While eating his Count Chocula cereal. While walking the dog. While taking a shit. While mowing the lawn. While playing with the kids. While looking for a good tomato in the produce aisle. While banging the wife.

Yup. John Beck has been having his wife quiz him on the playbook in bed.

That’s just baddassery. Baddassery at it’s finest.

John Beck. He is The Mormon. He is a man who wrestles alligators and cobras for fun. He is a man who can call down fire upon our enemies. He is a man who can learn the intricacies of a Pro Right X-Zoom triple 9 H-Fly pattern while simultaneously pleasing a woman.

And he is a man who just might be our savior.

But alas, our fortunes continue to lie with Cleo Lemon. All he knows how to do simultaneously is throw interceptions and lose a winnable game.

What the fuck is Cam Cameron waiting for?

We Made Hating Tom Brady & the Pats Cool!

Holy shit. Everybody hates Tom Brady and the Patriots.

I've received several e-mails from women who are not football fans telling me how much they hate Dreamboat and his shitty two-timing ways. No joke.

This guy hates them.

And Redskins linebacker Randall Godfrey called Belichick classless to his face Sunday after the Pats ran the score up on the 'Skins.

Even the mostly tepid Mike Wilbon of Washington Post and PTI fame has jumped on the bandwagon.

Hell even ESPN, whose entire staff wants to suck off Tom Brady, are calling the Patriots "evil."

And KSK seems to have started an awesome Internet sensation across America: a call for someone to take out Brady's knees for a cool thirty bucks. But with all due respect to the ever fantastic Big Daddy Drew, we here at FN were the first to start the We Fucking Hate Tom Brady Rolling Rally Jamboree. Back when we were the humble MSD straight into this season and ever more as the less humble and more mad (re: batshit insane) FN.

Because we called out King Douche and the Evil that is Belichick on their shit long before it was trendy.

But we're not complaining. Just glad everyone sees it our way finally.

Welcome to our world, America.

I credit you, loyal FN readers, for starting the whole "Let's Gillooly Brady's Ass" thing. I send a hardy kudos and a beer chug to you in your honor!

Now Ryan Parker (The greatest song writer alive. That's right. Fuck you, Paul Simon!) has chimed in.

Enjoy....

video found via Deadspin

 

Odds & Ends

Salguero and Mandich are saying start John Beck.

Hmm. Where have I heard this before?

Oh yea.

The Sporting News says Wayne shouldn't fire anyone because the team needs stability above everything else.

Hmm. And where have I heard this before?

Oh yea.

If Wayne wants to hire me, I'm down. And I'd name all you crazy sons-a-bitches that visit here every day as my staff. Every last one of you. I'd hire Roro Kid to head up the newly formed Give You A Fucking Beatin' To Keep Shit In Line division and Lady Phin and FinGirl22 as my resident concubines. But even those of you who don't comment are welcome. Because this is our team dammit. So fax me your resume.

Except for the guy who found this site after he Googled -- and I quote -- "chris brown really really really naked of his cock". Found that little nugget via my Site Meter. FinsNation.com ranks 10th on the list. Right below a couple of gay porn sites. Neat! Guess there are some popular sites out there that use the words "really," "Chris," "Brown," and "cock" more than I do. I'm not sure if I should be creeped out or proud of myself. I'll say proud. My Mom would prefer it that way.

(My apologies for anyone looking for cock only to find pics like the one above. That's just how I roll.)

In closing,

A.) I'm smarter than everybody
B.) You're all going to be on my staff when the Dolphins come a-calling
C.) Someone out there really wants to see Chris Brown's penis

And start John Beck.

Across the Pond For Yet Another Ass-Whuppin

Well, turns out we suck on pretty much whatever continent we choose to play. The UK game came and went, the NFL finally got to force itself down the throats of the Brits while having their sport showcased on a field that matched the shittyness of the teams playing on it, and a jolly good time was had by all. Meanwhile, the Dolphins got to fly a total of 16 hours to and from London just to get their asses handed to them for the eight straight time. So, in the end -- for them and for us -- it was a complete and total waste of time and resources. Why fly half way round the globe when they can conveniently suck ass here in the States without all that bothersome jet lag and sleep deprivation?

And while I can speak of the tough play of Jesse Chatman (aka Pocket Thunder) and while I can talk about the solid showing by our defense, and while I can triumph in my hang-my-balls-out-there prediction that Ted Ginn would score his first career TD in this game … I won’t. Because we lost. And we are now 0-8 and officially globally shitty.

The defense, who entered this game giving up an average of 400 points, were finally able to hold the opposing team to a mere touchdown and a couple of field goals. And wouldn’t you know it. On the one week they’re finally able to do that, the offense decides to play like Dave Wandstedt was back for an encore performance of calling the plays, smirking with his wispy mustache and running his hands through his hair while pacing the sidelines.

And let me say this again, just to be sure we’re all clear where I stand: Cleo. Lemon. Sucks.

If his single-handedly handing the game over to the Giants on a platter with fries on the side isn’t what finally has his ass benched… if he remains the starter come week 10 instead of The Mormon, then you can officially welcome me onto the Fire Cam Cameron Bandwagon Brigade. Because there’s stubbornness. There’s doing things your way. There's wanting to be wise with your rookie players. And then there’s retardation.

But, in the end, the tall glass of warm urine goes to kicker Jay Feeley, whose missed chip-shot field goal during the Dolphins’ very first drive of the game set the tone for the rest of the day and utterly destroyed the thinnest slither of hope for a win we might have held onto coming into the afternoon.

Here’s the thing, NFL kickers. Every time you feel the need to talk trash, don’t. Because you’re a kicker. Talk trash and, inevitably, you’ll end up fucking the game up somehow. So just strap on your helmet, take those frivolous one step back, two steps to the side thing you all do, kick the ball, sit back down and have a cold one. And that's it. Got it, Jay?

As for the whole UK experience, it was cool I guess. The big Jason Taylor, the pomp and circumstance, the  packed stadium, the shitty weather, the nakedness. The game was played in Wembley stadium, which apparently has a retractable roof that no one knows how to work. The sod on the field is thin and slick and built for kicking soccer balls and not built to take the abuse of dozens of 280 pound dudes running and falling and spitting and sweating all over it. The crowd made a nice effort to show enthusiasm, although they had no idea when to cheer and when to get up to take a piss. They also booed the Giants' game clinching kneel-down, which I found particularly amusing. There was also a streaker. The English fucking love running around naked in public. There were a good number of Dolphins fans there too, which was great. I did spot one dude with a Patriots jersey on. How do you say “douchebag” in Cockney?

All in all, it was an unmitigated disaster. This is an absolute abomination of a team that is finding newer and more creative ways of losing. 0-8. We're halfway home. Destination: Shitsville.

Ah, bloody hell.

London Calling

 

In case you haven't heard, the NFL is having its first ever over-seas regular season game! This week! In London! Seriously! No joke! See the exclamation points I've added to highlight the importance of it all?!

Yea, it's finally here. The big London game against the Giants. NFL CEOs and executives everywhere are popping bubbly and dancing with Asian call girls right now.

Remember how we all complained that this game might hurt our playoff chances because it was an "away" home game? God, we're such fucking saps.

Anyway, this it. The big London game. And it'll be without Ronnie Brown or Zach Thomas (whiplash). But, hey, Channing Crowder will be there! And he'll be putting that University of Florida education to good use as he speaks the native tongue of the English to the fans who ask for his autograph upon arrival. Spanish, of course! "Pinga tu madre!" he'll say to each of them with a smile. And they'll chuckle and say "Oh Channing! You are incorrigible!"

The NY Giants come into this game hot, while our defense comes into this game giving up an average of 400 points. Or something like that. I'm too fucking jaded to look it up. But I'm sure my calculations are pretty close.

Anyway, I hope loyal members of The Nation living in the UK show up big. I hope they make a lot of noise. I hope they start a fight with the Giants fans. Dolphins Hooligans! Anarchy wankers! (they say wankers right?)

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Keys to the Game: Stopping Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs and Plaxico Burress is a tall order for our defense. And it's an order they cannot process. The Giants secondary have been giving up an average of 135 yards to opposing receivers. But their pass rush has been off the charts sick. So Cleo is gonna have to run his ass off if he wants to make some plays. Which, of course, he won't. Because he's slow and un-nimble. But I will say this -- Ted Ginn Jr. will find the endzone this week. That's my balls to the wall prediction. Mark it down. Mark. It. Down. Ted Ginn .... is a Miami Dolphin!

Prediction: Giants win in another route. 35-17. The Dolphins come home 0-8. Cam Cameron says more crap about learning from our failures and then says how pleasant the English weather is and how all the folks in England have such nice teeth. Fans back home wait at MIA with pitchforks and torches. The giant JT robot gets shit faced, goes on a rampage, eats Christian Slater, and punches Big Ben, saying later that Big Ben "was eye-ballin' his bitch." Roger Goodell curls up in a fetus position and regrets the day he ever okayed a trip to England for his beloved NFL. He urinates on himself. Wayne Huizenga flies back home counting his money. Don Shula awaits him at Dolphins headquarters in Davie and hides behind his own statue. Then, just as Wayne enters the room, Shula drop kicks Huizenga in the testicles. He looks down at Wayne's collapsed and shivering body and whispers in his ear, "Give me back my team, bitch." London's calling.

Now, let Joe Strummer and the boys take us there....

Decision on Ricky Williams Could Come Next Week

Commissioner Roger Goodell is planning to re-visit the Ricky Williams situation when he returns from London next week. Goodell says he'll be looking at all the reports he's got on Ricky and will also receive a recommendation from the doctor heading the NFL's substance-abuse program.

Ricky applied for reinstatement on October 1st. The Commish has 60 days, from that point, to gather all the info on Williams and make a decision. If Goodell says Ricky can play, the Dolphins will then have two weeks to decide if they want him back, or cut him and place him on waivers.

I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in saying that the Dolphins should welcome Ricky back as soon as possible.

With Ronnie Brown in the fold, I was in the camp that didn't want Ricky back. Mainly because I was still feeling the sting of when he left us high and dry (pun intended) and felt like it was time to move on and start the Black Thunder era.

But with Ronnie out for the year and with our backfield looking like we just wandered unto the Lollypop Guild, I say yes to Ricky. Only because, right now, I only have one goal for this team. And that is to avoid being the only team in NFL history to go 0-16.

A dubious goal. But a goal nonetheless. And let's face it. If there are no goals, there's chaos.

Yea and also, for my fantasy team. That would be awesome too.

Ornery Parcells to the Dolphins?

Jason Cole of Yahoo! Sports is reporting that a source tells him that former Giants, Patriots, Jets, and Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells might be the next general manager of your Miami Dolphins.

This guy's head just exploded.

Look, staring at an 0-and-whatever season sucks. It does. We go 0-16 and you might as well tap me on the balls with a hammer while you're at it.

And yes, The Muel seems to have fucked up some things. The Joey Porter Korean Android comes to mind. And Wayne's gonna strap on a rubber glove, lather in in Vaseline, and do some internal examining in the coming weeks.

But here's the thing.

Randy Mueller is not the reason the Dolphins are 0-and-whatever.

The fault lies with the former leadership.

Jimmy Johnson. Dave Wandstedt. Rick Spielman. Nick Saban.

The Four Horseman of the Crapocalypse. They're the ones to blame.

Since 1998, the Dolphins have had 59 draft picks. Fifty nine. 46 were used to draft shitty players, 13 were used to trade for 10 other shitty players. And as it is with all shitty players, they were full of shit.

Of those 59 draft picks -- zero remain on the team. ZERO. Most of these players are no longer employed in the NFL, while the others are backups and scout team players on other teams.

Of The Muel's first official draft this past April, the Dolphins have signed  9 out of 10 picks. When was the last time that happened with the Dolphins? All indications appear that most, if not all, of these rookies are going to pan out.

The defense is old, fragile and falling apart because the old regimes failed to rekindle it with younger, faster players. We have a shitty QB situation because the old regimes failed to draft a serious quarterback prospect while throwing away draft picks for the likes of Jay Fiedler and AJ Feeley. Again, Porter is all on the Muel. But you and I were loving this signing when it first happened. Okay, lesson learned.

But The Muel's track record as a top personnel guy far exceeds anyone else out there not currently employed.

Bill Parcells woud just be another "big name" Huizenga brings down here to add to his collection of the Jimmy Johnsons and Nick Sabans of the world.

Parcells is an ornery old dude with man boobs. And that's all he'd bring to Miami. Anger and tits on a dude. That's it. And what coach would want to work under an asshole like Parcells? Seriously? Because you know if he came down here, he'd be the boss. It would be his way or the highway. Like Saban. Except with man boobs.

And here's another little nugget about Man Boobs Bill: He really, really, really likes signing old veteran players. Check his track record. And that's the last thing we need. In case you haven't noticed, we're chalk-filled with old veteran players. Which is why we suck so hard.

Ask Cowboys fans how they feel about Parcells now.

Let Mueller do his thing. Enough of the big names. This team sucks because JJ, Wandstache, Spielman and Saban fucked it all up.

Now we're going to blame Mueller for spraying shit all over the toilet when he just got here to clean the mess up?

C'mon people!

The Dolphins Now Have a Midget Backfield

The Dolphins have signed former Green Bay Packers and Houston Texans running back Samkon Gado off waivers.

This is now the Dolphins backfield:

Jesse Chatman: 5'8"
Samkon Gado: 5'9"
Patrick Cobbs: 5'8"

The Dolphins backfield now consists of fucking Oompa Loompas.

Oh, there is Lorenzo Booker, who stands at 5'10" which is almost 6 feet!

But a huge criteria for being counted as being part of the backfield is to, you know, play an actual play or two.

Cam Cameron makes my brain hurt.

All Hope Rests on Zack's Neck, a Dude Called Schultz, and Moses

Zach Thomas may have whiplash. You may or may not have heard, but Zach was involved in a minor car accident after Sunday's loss to the Patriots. Because he's a Miami Dolphin. And crazy shit like that is supposed to only happen to the Miami Dolphins.

Anyway, turns out the team fears that he either suffered another concussion or whip lash because of the accident, which means that we may be without Zach for the UK game.

And in other Dolphins news:

*No Face missed practice today, nursing a high ankle sprain. The nickname we branded him with seems to have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, no?

*Miami also signed former Dolphin free safety Lance Schulters. Schultz was actually a pretty good safety when he was here in 2005. He started all 16 games for us and made 4 INTs and 76 tackles. Not too shabby.

Yea he's old (32). But right now, he's the best player we have in the secondary. In fact, Tattoo from Fantasy Island would be the best player we have in the secondary.

*The Dolphins also signed rookie DE Quentin Moses. Just a couple of seasons ago, Moses was considered a top draft prospect at Georgia. Had he come out during his sophomore season, he would've been a late first-round pick. Instead, he stayed for his senior season and took a big dump on his own future by having a mediocre season. He slipped to the third round in last April's Draft and was taken by Oakland. Then, the Raiders cut him after he failed to impress in the pre-season. Then he signed with the Cardinals. They too were not impressed.

Now, he's a Dolphin. And he is the 5th defensive lineman the Fins have added in the past two weeks.

Two words: Amobi. Fucking. Okoeye.

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So, this weekend's big UK game will be without a real quarterback, Zach Thomas, Chris Chambers, Ronnie Brown and David Martin. So it'll be the NY Giants versus the Dolphins pre-season squad.

Wow.