Entries from October 2007
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Happy Halloween, Nation. Tom Brady was already in on the festivities during last Sunday's post-game presser. He's dressing up as Hillary Duff. Seriously. A newsboy cap. Seriously. How can you not hate this fucker? If you're gonna party tonight, be safe. Trick O' Treating? Likewise. Down here in Miami it's raining like Noah just collected the last remaining alpacas and all the women and liquor he could carry (40 days and nights worth), and rambled up into his boat. Sheets of rain. But fuck that. I'm going out anyway. My three year old son is dressing up like a Power Ranger. Afraid of getting soaked and catching a cold? Man up, boy. Because that costume made of thin polyester and synthetic nylons that cost the sweat shop people $3.00...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on October 31, 2007 12:53 AM
Know when a guy is a real badass? When he decides he’s going to study the playbook every chance he gets, every waking minute of the day and night. While eating his Count Chocula cereal. While walking the dog. While taking a shit. While mowing the lawn. While playing with the kids. While looking for a good tomato in the produce aisle. While banging the wife. Yup. John Beck has been having his wife quiz him on the playbook in bed. That’s just baddassery. Baddassery at it’s finest. John Beck. He is The Mormon. He is a man who wrestles alligators and cobras for fun. He is a man who can call down fire upon our enemies. He is a man who can learn the intricacies of a Pro...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Holy shit. Everybody hates Tom Brady and the Patriots. I've received several e-mails from women who are not football fans telling me how much they hate Dreamboat and his shitty two-timing ways. No joke. This guy hates them. And Redskins linebacker Randall Godfrey called Belichick classless to his face Sunday after the Pats ran the score up on the 'Skins. Even the mostly tepid Mike Wilbon of Washington Post and PTI fame has jumped on the bandwagon. Hell even ESPN, whose entire staff wants to suck off Tom Brady, are calling the Patriots "evil." And KSK seems to have started an awesome Internet sensation across America: a call for someone to take out Brady's knees for a cool thirty bucks. But with all due respect to the ever fantastic Big...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Salguero and Mandich are saying start John Beck. Hmm. Where have I heard this before? Oh yea. The Sporting News says Wayne shouldn't fire anyone because the team needs stability above everything else. Hmm. And where have I heard this before? Oh yea. If Wayne wants to hire me, I'm down. And I'd name all you crazy sons-a-bitches that visit here every day as my staff. Every last one of you. I'd hire Roro Kid to head up the newly formed Give You A Fucking Beatin' To Keep Shit In Line division and Lady Phin and FinGirl22 as my resident concubines. But even those of you who don't comment are welcome. Because this is our team dammit. So fax me your resume. Except for the guy who found this...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Well, turns out we suck on pretty much whatever continent we choose to play. The UK game came and went, the NFL finally got to force itself down the throats of the Brits while having their sport showcased on a field that matched the shittyness of the teams playing on it, and a jolly good time was had by all. Meanwhile, the Dolphins got to fly a total of 16 hours to and from London just to get their asses handed to them for the eight straight time. So, in the end -- for them and for us -- it was a complete and total waste of time and resources. Why fly half way round the globe when they can conveniently suck ass here in the States without all...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on October 26, 2007 11:55 PM
In case you haven't heard, the NFL is having its first ever over-seas regular season game! This week! In London! Seriously! No joke! See the exclamation points I've added to highlight the importance of it all?! Yea, it's finally here. The big London game against the Giants. NFL CEOs and executives everywhere are popping bubbly and dancing with Asian call girls right now. Remember how we all complained that this game might hurt our playoff chances because it was an "away" home game? God, we're such fucking saps. Anyway, this it. The big London game. And it'll be without Ronnie Brown or Zach Thomas (whiplash). But, hey, Channing Crowder will be there! And he'll be putting that University of Florida education to good use as he speaks the...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Commissioner Roger Goodell is planning to re-visit the Ricky Williams situation when he returns from London next week. Goodell says he'll be looking at all the reports he's got on Ricky and will also receive a recommendation from the doctor heading the NFL's substance-abuse program. Ricky applied for reinstatement on October 1st. The Commish has 60 days, from that point, to gather all the info on Williams and make a decision. If Goodell says Ricky can play, the Dolphins will then have two weeks to decide if they want him back, or cut him and place him on waivers. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in saying that the Dolphins should welcome Ricky back as soon as possible. With Ronnie Brown in the fold, I was in the camp...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The Dolphins have signed former Green Bay Packers and Houston Texans running back Samkon Gado off waivers. This is now the Dolphins backfield: Jesse Chatman: 5'8" Samkon Gado: 5'9" Patrick Cobbs: 5'8" The Dolphins backfield now consists of fucking Oompa Loompas. Oh, there is Lorenzo Booker, who stands at 5'10" which is almost 6 feet! But a huge criteria for being counted as being part of the backfield is to, you know, play an actual play or two. Cam Cameron makes my brain hurt....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Zach Thomas may have whiplash. You may or may not have heard, but Zach was involved in a minor car accident after Sunday's loss to the Patriots. Because he's a Miami Dolphin. And crazy shit like that is supposed to only happen to the Miami Dolphins. Anyway, turns out the team fears that he either suffered another concussion or whip lash because of the accident, which means that we may be without Zach for the UK game. And in other Dolphins news: *No Face missed practice today, nursing a high ankle sprain. The nickname we branded him with seems to have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, no? *Miami also signed former Dolphin free safety Lance Schulters. Schultz was actually a pretty good safety when he was here in 2005. He...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
This is the most awesomest thing ever. If Walt Disney and I had ever met to have lunch at a Starbucks, you know, to discuss ideas and hit on the goth chicks behind the counter (he'd have a cold tuna salad sandwich..me, the black & white cookie), this is what we would've come up with after several frappucinos and crude sketches on a couple of napkins. The NFL is going to mark the historic occasion of the first regular season game being played overseas by unleashing the terror of Jason Taylor to the masses. That's right. It's something straight out of this shitty excuse of a blog: a giant robotic Jason Taylor! At 26 feet, the Big JT animatronic is the biggest animated human figure ever built. It...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The shit has officially hit the fan. Ronnie Brown is out for the season. The Dolphins haven't said what the severity of the injury is yet. Put your money on a torn ACL. My God ... make it stop! Update 2: As I said. Put your money on a torn ACL. Not good. This is the worst possible news we could get. Torn ACLs are no joke. Typically, it takes a player 18 months to fully recover to their previous form and even then, they're not the player they once were. Ronnie Brown's bruising style will make it difficult for him to stay completely healthy the rest of his career. Durability will always be an issue. This doesn't mean Brown will never contribute for us again. But it does...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Even after I fully expected Tom Brady to throw 27 TDs against us. Even after I said Randy Moss would blow up Cameron Worrell and our secondary. It still stings. Stings like a son-of-a-bitch. This has officially become the worst season in Miami Dolphins history. And it's not even close to being done. Miami drops it's 10th loss in a row -- a new low in Dolphins history. Miami is now 0-7 -- the worst start in Dolphins history. Meanwhile, we lost Ronnie Brown -- who was well on his way to his fifth consecutive 100 rushing yard game -- to a knee injury. We also lost Will Allen Renaldo Hill, which means we're going to have to probably re-sign Donovan Darius to play safety. Because after that, we're...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Remember last year when the Dolphins shut out the Patriots 21-0? Remember a few seasons back when the Dolphins beat the Patriots on Monday Night Football, led by the Immortal AJ Feeley? Remember how bad, historically, King Douche plays down here in Miami? Remember how he gets all pissy and pouty after he loses to the Fins and acts like some 16 year old girl who just got felt up on a date at the movie theater? Good times. Good times. Yea, that's not going to happen this Sunday. I understand your enthusiasm, my fellow Dolphins fans. I do! I understand that we give them a hard time every year, that we're the one team that seems to have their number, that Jason Taylor likes turning Tom Brady into...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
It's the big topic of the day. Jason Taylor could end his career somewhere else. It's what all the Fins blogs and sites are talking about! I suppose this is what happens when your team is 0-6, one of only two teams left at the bottom of the NFL shithole, and you've got yourself an aging, albeit studly (ed. note: right ladies?), defensive end one season removed from being named the Greatest Kicker of Ass in the Universe, and has had a brilliant career but is stuck in the wasteland you and I call the Miami Dolphins. Gimme a second while I catch my breath after that sentence. ... ... ... Ok. Here's my take. Will Jason Taylor be traded? No. Should Jason Taylor be traded? No. It's obvious...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
So far this season, Bill Belichick has had to game-plan against great players like LaDainian Tomlinson, Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson, and Tony Romo. But he says the one guy he's most impressed with so far is Ronnie Brown. "Best player I've seen this year offensively," said Belichick. "He's done a good job in the running game of being patient, of taking the holes that are there," Belichick said. "He runs hard. He's hard to tackle. ... Physically, he's a strong player." Wow. Belichick said all that about Ronnie Brown? Cool! Although when he said it, it sounded like, "Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumblemumble. ... Mumble, mumblemumblemumble." So we'll just have to take the Palm Beach Post's word for it. And Ronnie's reaction? It's all good, baby. "Obviously, the guys he has on...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The Astonishing Tales of the OMG Dolphins! Super Hero Team Force Go! This week's action packed episode takes place just as General Manager Randy Mueller, aka The Muel, uses his mutant mind powers of making friends, influencing people and thinking outside the box, to transform Chris Chambers, aka Butters, from a Dolphin into a Lightning Bolt! He utters the magic words! And poof! - But some Dolphins fans are not happy with The Muel. In fact, some have gotten down right pissy about it. They respond to Butters' trade with an unreasonable knee-jerk reaction common to certain Dolphins fans in lean times like these. From California, to Denver, to Miami, to Little China, Dolphins fans everywhere are unhappy. Some express rage. Others, derision. - Meanwhile, back at the Bubble...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on October 16, 2007 10:55 PM
Well it looks like Cam Cameron and Randy Mueller have thrown their hands in the air and exclaimed, "Fuck it!" Because they were busy trimming the roster even after trading away Chris Chambers to the Bolts. Remember how fired up and giddy we all were when they signed Donovan Darius? Well, let's all pretend that it didn't happen. Because he's been cut. Darius missed the Houston game with an apparent calf injury, and last week was on the injury report with the flu. Sounds like Darius was just hanging around for the pay check and the free pre-game coffee and danishes in the locker room, but didn't want to put any work in. So now we are down to Renaldo Hill, Cameron "Toast McGee" Worrell, Courtney Bryan and Jason...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
BREAKING NEWS: Chris Chambers has been traded to the San Diego Chargers for a 2nd round pick! More as I get it ... UPDATE: Here's what The Muel had to say in a press release: "This trade will give some of our younger players at that position, such as Ted Ginn and Derek Hagan, more of an opportunity this year," Dolphins general manager Randy Mueller said in a statement. "Chris did everything we asked of him and represented this organization in a first-class manner. We wish him and his family the best of luck in San Diego." So, as some of you have already noted, the Ted Ginn era has officially-officially begun. (The Derek Hagan era too! yipes.) Anyway, my thoughts on this: I have to say, I like...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on October 16, 2007 12:23 PM
Because we're playing the Patriots this week. And they're going to beat the everliving shit out of us. Enjoy!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on October 16, 2007 12:23 AM
Have you ever had your brain smash into your skull so hard that it causes your cerebrospinal protective sack to shudder violently like a snow globe that has been thrown against a wall, causing vomiting, confusion and visual disorder while your central nervous system completely shuts down as your muscles, nerves and mind all slip into darkness for five or more minutes? Well Trent Green has! Twice! And he wants to do it all over again! This season has been one gigantic shit storm with no relief in sight. Just one of those seasons that actually makes you hate the game of football. So how do you suppose we top what is going to go down as the absolute gut-churning, rage inducing, kick-me-in-the-balls-until-I-puke worst season in franchise history? Well...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The Dave Wandstedt and Nick Saban Dolphins eras featured monster defenses. Defenses that could choke a male rhino and burn down a small village (it's true. look it up on Wikipedia). But the offenses of those days could only muster maybe a TD and 2 or 3 field goals on a good day. So, to counter that, we hired ourselves an offensive minded coach in Cam Cameron. And suddenly our offense is able to put up points. Lots-n-lots of points. But now it's the defense that sucks the monkey's ass. If it ain't one thing .... And so here we are. 0-6, matching the worst start in franchise history and losing our 9th straight game dating back from last year. Cleo did a great job against the 31st ranked secondary...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Well, here we are. Week 6 and staring down the possibility of matching our worst start ever as a franchise. Unfortunately, we don’t have a cronk-smoking running back to blame this time around. So who do we blame? There are several candidates. And they’re being put on notice as of right now. We’re putting you on notice… Joey Porter: You swindled big skrilla from us, dude. 20 million to be exact. And have done absolutely nothing in return. Classy guy that you are, you placed the blame squarely on the shoulders on the man most responsible for your shit-your-pants performances: your defensive coordinator. Yes, it’s his fault you’ve failed to register a sack. It’s his fault you only have something like 15 tackles this season. It’s his fault. Fuck...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
DATELINE CLEVELAND OHIO -- Regular FN readers know that I have a well placed source* who has told me Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was abducted by the North Korean government and replaced with a life-like android. Unfortunately for Porter, this likely means he's being held in a dark, dank cell while mindless gimps throw slices of uncooked bacon at his face continuously throughout the day. Unfortunately for us fans, it means that since it's a Korean android, it knows very little -- if anything at all -- about American Football. In other words, it's playing like shit. Other than that, it is an almost perfect duplicate. No doubt the Korean scientists abducted Porter from some Atlantic City casino, took his 20 million dollar contract, and hastily put together the...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Is it entirely possible that Trent Green has suffered such severe head trauma that he'll return a better quarterback than he was the first 4 games of the season? Could it be that Green was knocked out so hard, so often, he actually woke up on the other side? Smarter? Better decisions? Better accuracy? Less game-killing, gut-punching interceptions? Now I'm no scientist, but I do own Star Trek the Animated Series on DVD. And heck if I haven’t learned a thing or two from that Mr. Spock and his damned Vulcan logic. So I think that makes me qualified to say: "Hell yea he has!" All reports are that Trent Green is optimistic about his latest test results: "Quarterback Trent Green is 'very encouraged' by the results of tests performed...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Ronnie Brown, aka Black Thunder, now has 3 consecutive 100 yard games. Two more and he ties Ricky Williams, aka The Hemp King, for the franchise record. Ronnie Brown. Badass. Trent Green has what is being called a Grade 3 concussion, which is the worst kind of concussion you can get. Grades 1 and 2? Meh. Not too bad. Kind of like the headache I woke up with after the lost weekend with those two Indonesian ladies and the three cases of Dos Equis a few years back. Grade 3, however, is like the shit bomb of concussions. It means your brain slammed against your skull and almost plopped out of your head like someone just tripped and fell while holding a plate of Flan. To put it...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Typical disastrous outing for our boys. Trent Green gets knocked out, their player taunts him while -- for all we knew -- he lay dead on the field, we score on every possession in the first half, but can't make the necessary adjustments to keep it rolling in the second half, our run defense finally stiffens up but our secondary gets lit up like the time my Dad burned down the X-mas tree when he spilled some Black Label on the pine needles and lit his annual Holiday Cigar standing too close to the tree, the Texans win on a last second field goal, and insufferable douchbaggety Houstonians hoot and hollar while waving the flag of Texas. Cock smokers. The Dolphins are 0-5. Lose next week, and we're going...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Classless. Douchebag. Asshole. Cocksucker. Fuck face. Ball sack. Assbag. Asswipe. Assmunch. Limp dick. Shit eater. Dickhead. Shit heal. Dipshit. Cockface. Rimlicker. Chicken shit. Goat fucker. d More on the game later....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Being 0-4 sucks. It sucks because my team is in the crapper while fans of other teams either treat me with pity or give me shit about it. It sucks because I have pretty much lost yet another year of my life I could have spent traveling the world, or working with children at the local Y, or writing that scifi novel about raccoons from outer space in the future who wear helmets that shoot lasers, or traveling to D.C. to sit at the reflecting pool in the Washington Monument and ponder how I'm going to make a difference in a world ravaged by war, lead-filled Chinese toys, and a fat Britney Spears. It also sucks because it just makes me hostile. I just start to hate everyone. I...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Hi. I’m Cam Cameron. First of all, you’ve all got to calm down. Heck fire, we all do. I’m talking to you. Yea you in the blue shirt. I can see you. Turn that frown upside down. I’m just kidding, I can’t see you. Look, we’re going to stick with Trent Green, okay. He’s our guy. He’s going to take it one game at a time and play within himself. He’s going to go out there and give it 110%. So don’t worry about it Dolphins fans. No one is as frustrated about all this as I am. I promise. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve go to go prepare this week’s game plan. There’s a Kenny G album in my office CD player with my name all over...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Why? Why? Why?? WHY???? WHY??!!! WHY!!!???!!!??? Also ... Why is it that every goddamed fucking nimrod we hire as our head coach and decision-maker has to be the reincarnation of Edward Smith??? Why?...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Okay. One more time. Start John Beck. Now. Come read my all new, all fresh, hot off the presses column at The Phish Tank, won't you? And, again, as per MVN rules: no dick jokes or calling anybody a douchebag. Except maybe Tom Brady... because, I mean, c'mon! Tom Brady! Please! Start The John Beck Era, part II: Evaluation & Hope (Sounds like a straight-to-DVD movie doesn't it?) ...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
DT Vonnie Holliday is going to miss up to two weeks with a fractured ankle, which no doubt will move the Dolphins 32nd rush defense to negative numbers status in the coming weeks. Remember when I used to tout former Louisville DT Amobi Okoye as our choice for the No. 9 pick in last April's draft? This is why. Remember when I wrote that one of our top priorities was to draft a DT because our current DTs are old? This is why. Remember how some of you agreed? Cool. Remember how some of you did not and sent me e-mails and told me I was over-reacting and panicking about the position? Some might remember how I was blasted on Salguero's blog for even suggesting we take a defensive player...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
