Entries from November 2007
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By The Dude on November 30, 2007 3:30 PM
As you’ve probably may have guessed from being a regular here, I’m no fun to be around during a Dolphins game. I yell, I kick, I throw shit. I’m even more aggressive when I’m at a game. A buddy of mine was able to score a couple of Club level tickets for this Sunday’s game against the Jets. He invited me to come along. He has no idea what he’s in for. So, it’ll be me, a shit-load of alcohol, an 0-11 team and about 2,000 New Yorkers. It’s the perfect bouillabaisse of piss, vinegar and douche. Me and 2,000 shit heads who believe they’re entitled to bitch about living in Miami when, in actuality, they all moved down here because no one wants to live in the Earth’s...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 30, 2007 7:25 AM
Boys, coach Cam and I feel you need an extra oompf to get a little pep back in your step. That's right Randy! You need a little inspiration from someone we all respect and admire, well frankly, like a god around these parts. That's right Randy! So, coach Cam and I have called in a special guest to speak with you to help motivate and put a foot in your caboose. So to speak, heh heh heh. That's right Randy! Because we can do this, fellas! We just need the right motivation. Right coach? Um, and, well, our guest is a tad upset about our 0-11 start. And I think you'd all agree that there's nothing like a good old fashioned pep talk. That's right Randy! Yup. So without...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 29, 2007 7:25 AM
Both the Palm Beach Post and the Miami Herald are calling for Cam Cameron to cut John Beck's cord and let him fucking sling the rock already. I added the fucking for emphasis. Says Greg Stoda: "Let [Beck] heave more than one deep toss to Ted Ginn Jr.... Have him throw on first down more often than not. Give him the keys to the two-minute offense, and do it four or five times...Enough with the kid-glove treatment. The Dolphins made the decision a few weeks ago to use the remainder of the season to study Beck, and time's a-wastin'." Says Armando Salguero: "In giving [Beck] the keys to the offense, they have declined to put any gas in the tank. While it is true Beck is now Miami's starting...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 27, 2007 4:13 PM
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 27, 2007 3:33 PM
Ricky Williams is done for the season. I smell a Samkon Gado comeback. It smells like feet....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 27, 2007 7:08 AM
My eyes are bloodshot. My hair is disheveled. My stomach hurts. I’m a zombie. I’m beyond my normal bouts of rage after a Dolphins’ loss. I’m beyond just the normal throwing the toaster at my television. I’m beyond flinging empty Heineken bottles at my dog. This loss makes me want to do something else entirely. This loss makes me want to dropkick a bunny. It makes me want to dip a little kid’s lollipop into a pile of dog shit. It makes me want to sneak up behind a really little old lady at the supermarket and scream “THE GUY FROM QUIET RIOT DIED!!! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!!???” right in her ear at the top of my lungs. This is a different sort of ire I’m feeling right...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 26, 2007 7:01 PM
Since some of you will be spending Monday Night Football at this dive, here's your official Open Thread post. Now have at it. And please, for the sake of the children, no wagering of any kind....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 26, 2007 1:16 PM
Last night the entire nation got to see just how the Patriots can pull a win out their asses even when they’re man-handled at home. Tonight, the entire nation gets to see just how the Dolphins can pull a loss out their asses even when they dominate all the major stat-lines of the game. It’s a fascinating study that will have scientists and think-tanks debating for decades to come. So tonight, the country will either sympathize with our plight or they will recoil in horror at just how bad we truly are. Or they’ll realize that this is a Steelers-Dolphins matchup and will watch Charlie Sheen’s shenanigans on Two and a Half Men instead. Somewhere in Bristol, an ESPN executive is having his toe-nails pulled off one at a...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 26, 2007 7:27 AM
Got a bunch of e-mails regarding my post from Friday. Apparently I was a bit ambiguous about my stance on the whole Darren McFadden thing. Sorry. Stuffing, Tryptophan and a shit load of Jack and Coke had me feeling a little funky after that Arkansas-LSU game. So, here’s where I stand. I want Darren McFadden to be a Miami Dolphin. Used to be a day when I didn’t want McFadden. But there was also a time in my life when playing with my Optimus Prime action figure was of more interest to me than playing with girls' titties. But I eventually sat down and did some serious re-thinking on that whole thing and rearranged my priorities. People grow. People change. It's my right as an American. It's what Ben...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 23, 2007 10:55 AM
So you've come back home from your 4AM shopping spree at Wal-Mart and BrandsMart USA, where you got that 52" plasma TV for yourself (half off!) and The Best of Ralph Macchio DVD boxed set for your brother-in-law (also half-off!), and plucked yourself down on the couch to waste away the rest of the day. Good! Now you can sit back, relax, and watch today's Arkansas-LSU matchup (2:30 EST, CBS) as you enjoy your turkey salad sandwich and the rest of that boxed wine your uncle bought at Hal's Liquor Emporium. Because this game will feature two of the top college prospects entering next year's draft and two players who have a very real shot at becoming a member of your Miami Dolphins. And by "very real shot" I...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 21, 2007 12:24 PM
Hey guys. I'm here to help with the Thanksgiving drive. Aye there me brave lassie! Me name's Patrick Cobbs. Hi. Ricky. Lemme tell yeh boy-o, I should be the starting running beck on this ere team! Okay. Sounds good to me. Aye but I tripped over my shillelagh as I was fightin' a leprechaun and a fairy and I hurt me plum gibblets. They took me Guinness, so I kicked the fairy in his wee little testes and stabbed the leprechaun with a shiv I carved out from a toy compass I gets from me Lucky Charms cereal. Well. That's great. Um... I'm just here to help hand out turkeys and whatever else you guys need. Hello! Um. Hi. I am Samkon Gado. I am from Africa. I am...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 21, 2007 7:20 AM
Cleo Lemon is not happy. He thinks the Dolphins would have won had he been in there Sunday instead of John Beck. Cleo Lemon watched from the sideline at dreary Lincoln Financial Field and imagined himself guiding the Dolphins on a crucial touchdown drive and maybe, just maybe, a victory…He held the job four games and lost every one, but he felt he could have made the difference in Philadelphia, where rookie John Beck made his NFL debut… When asked to assess Beck’s debut, Lemon declined. "I'm not going to talk about anybody else's performance," Lemon said. "I can't speak on their performance. I can only speak on what I can give to this team. I feel like I can give a lot to this team, but when decisions...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 20, 2007 1:38 PM
For those of you who missed it (I’m looking right at you Lady Phin! Hey! You’re hot!), here’s Ted Ginn’s first (official) punt return for a touchdown. Posted here for posterity for us to enjoy forever and ever. Until the Gestapo over at NFL.com takes the video down. Watching Teddy looking over his shoulder for a penalty flag makes me chuckle every time. And then I weep silently and bitterly as I shake my fist in the air…. Why God? Why do we lose a game even when we lead it in turnovers and big plays??? Why??????!!!! Update: Click here to vote for Ted Ginn as Diet Pepsi Rookie of the Week. Do it. Do it now!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 20, 2007 7:04 AM
We start the day with some news happening outside of Fins Nation. Former Dolphins coach -- but forever the holder of the lifetime achievement award for being a dick -- Nick Saban compared his Alabama team’s plight to 9/11:"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."Pearl Harbor did kind of, sort of, get us ready for World War II. Or whatever. Who the fuck knows? Does it really matter? That shit is ancient history. All those people who died...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 19, 2007 6:28 AM
Hey, Miami Dolphins, let me ask you something. Do you take pleasure in tormenting me? Does it fill your heart with unbridled glee to see me absolutely giddy one minute and completely distressed the very next minute? Do you? You know, this is the kind of shit they pull with the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. Cam Cameron is the only head coach in the NFL who possesses both balls of steel, for going for it on 4th and Goal, and shit for brains, for calling the worst possible play in the playbook to try and convert said 4th and Goal. Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. Listen, I didn’t expect us to win this game. I totally expected Brian Westbrook to do what he did against...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 15, 2007 2:02 PM
My man Armando is reporting that Ricky's meeting with Cam and the Fins went very well today. And that, as soon as he passes a physical, Ricky can start practicing with the team and will play this season. Man, the barrage of good news these last two days have been like when a girl sends you off on a "nice meeting you" blow the morning after hooking up. Smiles, everyone! Smiles!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 15, 2007 6:38 AM
I’m still riding this rare euphoric wave of having not one, but two, good pieces of Dolphins news dropped on us in one day. Jesus, it’s been a while since we had any kind of good news round these parts. In the back of my mind, I’m still waiting for the pile of shit to drop in my soup with the usual cursed nonsense we get from this team like, I don’t know, Ted Ginn’s knee just exploded for no reason whatsoever or Cam Cameron decided to trade Jason Taylor to Minnesota for Koy Detmer and a copy of ABBA’s Greatest Hits Live double CD set or some shit. Something to break us all out of this rare happy stupor and back into full-blown “Ah fuck! Motherfucker!” mode we...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 14, 2007 10:10 AM
According to Armando Salguero, Cam Cameron is expected to announce today that John Beck will start against the Eagles on Sunday. As it is, there won't be any need for me to hunt Cam down and stab him with a trident. Anyway, you all know I've been calling for this to happen since, like, Week 3. Better late than never I guess. Woot. - *Sexy Update 2*: Ricky will meet with Cam and Dolphins officials tomorrow. This is good news in that Cam will at least meet face to face with Ricky and, hopefully, get him into the fray as soon as possible. *Sexy Update*: ESPN's Chris Mortensen is reporting that Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL. Now we all wait with bated breath to see how...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 14, 2007 6:32 AM
Today's the day. The day Cam Cameron is supposed to come out and announce that John Beck will be getting the start against Philly this weekend. We all see it coming right? I mean, after all, Cam was non-committal about naming Cleo Lemon as the starter for this week after Sunday's loss to Buffalo. So one is lead to believe that Cam is finally going with the common sense call and giving The Mormon the shot we've all been waiting for. So, this is it. The start of the John Beck era. We're going to get to see if the rook is for real and if he is, finally, the solution to our long-time quarterback problem! But wait! That glimmer of hope you just felt? You didn't think the...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 13, 2007 6:38 AM
Sup bitches! It's y'boy Jesse Chatman. Y'all might recognize me as the guy who used to backup LaDainian Tomlinson in San Diego. Some of y'all may recognize me from my playing days at Eastern Washington U. And some of y'all might recognize me from the China King Buffet over on north west 163rd street, and their daily $5.00 all-you-can-eat lunch special. Yup. That dude that ate all the sweet and sour ribs last Wednesday? That was me. Ha-haaaa... That shit wuz crazy delicious. I can fit three of them motherfuckers in my mouth at the same time. F'real. Anyway, now I'm the starting running back for the Miami Dolphins. Ever since Ronnie Brown went down with that knee injury, I've been axed to step in and step up. And...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 12, 2007 1:56 AM
Yep. We did it! The Miami Dolphins are now officially the worst team in the NFL. You just knew it. In the pit of your stomach. You knew the Fins were going to find a way to screw it up and give a game away that clearly should have been theirs. It’s just become something you expect. As sure as the sun rises and sets. You expect Justin Peele to drop a key pass or two or three because, well, he’s Justin Fucking Peele. You expect our starting quarterback to average 4.2 yards per pass. And you expect the defense to keep losing key players to injury because, well, we’re the Miami Dolphins and that’s just how we roll, bitch. Throw in a shitty call to end all shitty...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Tired of the weekly shitshow known as the 2007 Miami Dolphins? Sick of the revolving door of starting quarterbacks with as much talent and arm strength as Buddy Hackett over the years? Well climb in, buckle up, and grab a cold one from the glove compartment/mini-fridge, as I fire up the flux capacitor and send us back to the magical season of 1984. It was not the world George Orwell envisioned. Far from it. (Pfft. Orwell. Fucking Debbie Downer.) It was a time of glory, majesty, wonder, and zipper ankle jeans. A time when the Number 13 became a lucky number for us all, and the NFL record books took a beating as if Ike Turner himself had strapped on the pads and helmet. Steelers.com, celebrating the Pittsburgh Steelers'...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 9, 2007 12:54 PM
Armando Salguero gives us yet one more reason to light the torches and Molotov cocktails and ready them for deployment to Davie, Florida and the offices of Cam Cameron. What did the winless Dolphins do during their bye week? Nothing."On a week the team had a bye, had extra days to hone and prepare and work on the things that needs to be worked on, the Dolphins practiced one time. One time! On Wednesday. Players were off Thursday. Players were off Friday. Players were off Saturday. Players were off Sunday. I can appreciate the need for people to get away from the stress of an NFL season and decompress and rest and recover. But four days? So much for the bye week advantage in preparing a team."Cam Cameron is...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
-ESPN's John Clayton says The Mormon could come into Sunday's game against Buffalo if Cleo Lemon struggles (haha, "if." Oh that John Clayton. He's incorrigible): Another rookie who may make it on the field before Russell is John Beck of Miami. Cleo Lemon is starting, but the Dolphins second-round pick could play Sunday if Lemon struggles. Beck underwent a little bit of a mid-season slump in practices with the Dolphins but has rebounded and done much better recently. It's only a matter of weeks before Beck is given the chance to start, but he could be playing this week if Lemon gets off to a bad start. (per Phinsider) -Zach will play football til he’s good and dead, and you will like it, numbnuts! Doctor: Zach, how many fingers...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
It's the big news of the day. Dolphins Hall of Fame coach Don Shula says that if the Patriots go 19-0 this season, an asterisk should be affixed to their record. Shula told the New York Daily News that New England's Spygate scandal taints whatever accomplishments they may achieve. Everyone will have an opinion on this. Me? I went straight to the source. An exclusive FN interview with Don Shula himself. Here it is: The Dude: Well, coach Shula. Thanks for being here. It's an honor, sir. Shula: Sure, kid. Sure. The Dude: You’ve recently been in the news talking about the Patriots possibly going 19-0 and, if they do, that their accomplishment is tainted. Shula: My Dolphins are the only team to go 17-0 in NFL history. The...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 6, 2007 12:25 PM
Who will save us from the invasion of stupid that has darkened our beloved Miami Dolphins? Bill Cowher? Um, no. Bill Parcells? Perhaps. James Tyberius Kirk? Fuck and yes! - - Oh, and The Right Arm of God has spoken....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 6, 2007 12:41 AM
"I went back and looked at the tape and remembered all the good things he's done. He's aware of the things he has to improve on," Cam Cameron said of Lemon. "John Beck has been one play away from playing several weeks now. He's progressing, doing a nice job. We'll continue with his development." "We feel confident when given the opportunity he'll do fine, but right now Cleo is practicing extremely well. Cleo does a lot of good things. Cleo has given us an opportunity to win in a couple of these games and we're going to continue to go in that direction. If I feel like a decision needs to be made differently and we need to go in another direction then I'll do that." Beck has...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
So, you've heard the news? Yup. Dolphins are still being run by retards. But that's wrong of me to say. I apologize to the retards. Because to say the Dolphins are being run by retards is to insult the retards....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on November 5, 2007 10:38 AM
Feels good to wake up on a Monday morning knowing the Dolphins didn't lose, eh? I mean my nuts are still sore, but it feels good that they're not getting stomped on anymore. But... the Bye Week is over. So, time to strap up and get ready for the Bills this Sunday. This is it. If ever we had a chance to take the monkey off our backs and throw it into a cactus and finally win a game, this is it. Sunday. At home. Against a mediocre Bills team. The way I see it, it's fairly doeable. If our offense can move the ball the way it did against the Patriots while our defense plays as well as it did against the Giants, then we're golden. We'll have...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
It’s Friday, it’s the Bye Week, it’s a slow-ass time for Dolphins news. Unless you want to pour over the same old minutia of the Beck Or Lemon?, Our Defense Is Old, and Zach’s Brain Is Feeling Much Better, Thanks! articles. Fuck that. I got something better. Cheerleader videos! Here’s three of the Fins’ finest. The sound quality on the videos are shitty. But we’re not watching these for their audio quality now, are we? Unless you want to hear intellectually stimulating commentary by the ladies, like this nugget of wisdom dropped by the ever hot Genesis: “You know when I got here I saw the oranges and, you know, oranges are, um, we’re in the state of Florida which is the orange state, so I thought it was really...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
We all struggle with our inner demons. A voice that speaks to us and tries to dominate our very existence. For most of us, the voice is just an expression of our conscience or a figment of our imagination. We are able to shut it out and go about our day at peace. Our tortured hero Cam Cameron also has an inner demon. In his case, it's his penis. And like our own inner demons, it talks. But unlike our inner demons, it's not a fictitious product of a stressed out mind. It's real. Very, very real.... .... Know what I think about sometimes? Killing Randy. Just ramming a fuckin pick-axe right through his head. Fucker’s gonna cost us our job, man. Sincerely. Wish I could strangle him. If...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
