FinsNation

I Just Want A Win

As you’ve probably may have guessed from being a regular here, I’m no fun to be around during a Dolphins game. I yell, I kick, I throw shit. I’m even more aggressive when I’m at a game. A buddy of mine was able to score a couple of Club level tickets for this Sunday’s game against the Jets. He invited me to come along. He has no idea what he’s in for.

So, it’ll be me, a shit-load of alcohol, an 0-11 team and about 2,000 New Yorkers. It’s the perfect bouillabaisse of piss, vinegar and douche. Me and 2,000 shit heads who believe they’re entitled to bitch about living in Miami when, in actuality, they all moved down here because no one wants to live in the Earth’s Asshole. Sounds like a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon. Nothing but hairy chested dudes with gold chains sans deodorant yet lathered in Driven, coupled with women who all uncannily look and smell like the crack of a baboon’s ass. So, should be good times all around.

In either case, this is it, as far as I see it. This is our last best shot at getting a damn win and avoiding the worst season in the history of the NFL. The Dolphins are actually favored since the defense has been outstanding lately and the offense has been, um, well, uh... I don’t know why we’re favored. Las Vegas can be fucking stupid sometimes.

Here’s what you need to know: The Dolphins will once again be without Zach Thomas. They also may be without Vonnie Holliday. Jesse Chatman is still nursing a bad ankle, which means The Nigerian Nightmare or The Leprechaun could be taking the majority of the carries in the backfield. Meanwhile, the Jets are hurting some too. Jerricho Cotchery has a bad finger and the unfortunately named Laveranues Coles has a bad ankle. And both teams are trotting out inexperienced QBs. So it's basically an NFL ratings wetdream. Two pieces of shit equal to, well, shit.

I don’t know why I choose to do this to myself. Why, instead of watching the game in the comfort of my home where I am free to express my rage without incurring the wrath of stadium security and where the booze is free and the bathroom reasonably fresh, I choose to watch this catastrophe of a football team live and in person with Vinnie from Da Bronx and his lady friend Armpits Marie breathing down my neck for four hours. Why? Because I’m an idiot. I’m a Miami Dolphins fan. And I’m a masochistic bastard. The end.

Prediction: None. Just fucking win. Please. Thanks.

On a side note, tomorrow is Dat Roro Kid’s birthday. You regulars know him from the comments and from his own personal experience at the Jets game earlier this season. So be sure to wish him a happy one in the comments.

See you on Monday.

Cam and Randy Bring In A Motivational Speaker

Boys, coach Cam and I feel you need an extra oompf to get a little pep back in your step.

That's right Randy!

You need a little inspiration from someone we all respect and admire, well frankly, like a god around these parts.

That's right Randy!

So, coach Cam and I have called in a special guest to speak with you to help motivate and put a foot in your caboose. So to speak, heh heh heh.

That's right Randy!

Because we can do this, fellas! We just need the right motivation. Right coach?

Um, and, well, our guest is a tad upset about our 0-11 start. And I think you'd all agree that there's nothing like a good old fashioned pep talk.

That's right Randy!

Yup. So without further adieu, I give you the greatest Miami Dolphin ever: Dan Marino! Dan?

Holy motherfucking Moses. That didn't quite turn out like I'd imagined.

I... I think I just shat myself.

Unleash The Power of The Mormon!

Both the Palm Beach Post and the Miami Herald are calling for Cam Cameron to cut John Beck's cord and let him fucking sling the rock already. I added the fucking for emphasis.

Says Greg Stoda:

"Let [Beck] heave more than one deep toss to Ted Ginn Jr.... Have him throw on first down more often than not. Give him the keys to the two-minute offense, and do it four or five times...Enough with the kid-glove treatment. The Dolphins made the decision a few weeks ago to use the remainder of the season to study Beck, and time's a-wastin'."

Says Armando Salguero:

"In giving [Beck] the keys to the offense, they have declined to put any gas in the tank. While it is true Beck is now Miami's starting passer, he is more accurately the starter handing off to a running back. In other words, the Dolphins have put something of a tight leash on Beck. They have run the football 43 percent of the time this season but in the past two games since Beck became the starter, Miami has raised its runs frequency to 51 percent of the time..."

Yes, it was cold in Philly and it was the guy's first start. And Heinz field in Pittsburgh Monday was like playing in ankle deep sewage. But this week there's no excuse not to let Beck call down the power of God (being that they're good buddies and all) and let him throw all day. We're at home, facing a team we're actually favored against, staring down the last best shot we have at getting a win this year. And more than that, since we've lost Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, our running back options have been dwindled down to a motley crew of crappyness. And, they're each dealing with very legitimate reasons why they'll be questionable options the rest of the way:

Jesse Chatman: Injured ankle, injured neck. Plus, he's a Hobbit.

Samkon Gado: Hired. Fired. Hired again. Plus, he's Nigerian. Don't they play soccer or some shit?

Patrick Cobbs: Leprechaun.

Squiggy: Just signed to the practice squad.

You've got two major newspapers calling for the same thing, you've got me, a super studly blogger, calling for this as well. Which means Cam Cameron is going to do the exact opposite of what we're all saying. Because Cam Cameron is like Gandhi. He's a man of deep convictions and purpose and does things his way even when they seem ridiculous to everyone else. And while Gandhi inspired millions and moved powerful governments to make changes, Cam calls play-actions on 3rd and long or has his QB pitch the ball backwards seven yards when the team is a half yard away from the endzone. And instead of teaching change through peaceful means, Cam calls off his kicker and decides to throw it on 4th and 11. And instead of impacting generations of people with his intellect, wisdom and innovative thinking, he calls for a running play when everyone in the stadium knows they're going to run the ball. So, in other words, nothing like Gandhi.

Ricky Is Done

Ricky Williams is done for the season.

I smell a Samkon Gado comeback. It smells like feet.

God Hates Us

My eyes are bloodshot. My hair is disheveled. My stomach hurts. I’m a zombie. I’m beyond my normal bouts of rage after a Dolphins’ loss. I’m beyond just the normal throwing the toaster at my television. I’m beyond flinging empty Heineken bottles at my dog.

This loss makes me want to do something else entirely. This loss makes me want to dropkick a bunny. It makes me want to dip a little kid’s lollipop into a pile of dog shit. It makes me want to sneak up behind a really little old lady at the supermarket and scream “THE GUY FROM QUIET RIOT DIED!!! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!!???” right in her ear at the top of my lungs.

This is a different sort of ire I’m feeling right now. It’s bitter. It’s pungent. It’s atypical and it’s unwelcome. It’s like when some heavy-breathing sweaty, oily fat guy crashes your New Year's party, stops up your toilet and then leaves after eating all the kielbasas without an apology or a thank you. Who the fuck invited that guy? And why does my entire home suddenly smell like a public park men's room?

A 3-to-nothing loss. Is there anything worse? I mean, really? Is there anything worse? Think about it? What’s worse? A pineapple enema? Your scrotum used as a punching bag? Trying to fart at work and realizing too late that it was more than a fart?  No. Nothing. Nothing is worse.

Seems fitting that after all the anticipation and excitement the return of Ricky Williams brought us that, in the end, he’d play about a minute’s worth of football before having to leave the game after someone stepped on his shoulder. Someone stepped on his shoulder! Who else does that happen to but to the Dolphins???

Seems fitting that once Jesse Chatman finally started to get it rolling as if Cam taped a dangling Twinkie on his helmet, he has to leave the game with a neck injury, leaving us with a leprechaun at running back.

Look, I can pour over all the meaningless stats and reasons why we lost this game. I can blame Cam, I can blame the geniuses who run Heinz field, I can hope Derrick Hagan gets mauled by a liger. But it’s painfully obvious why we lost and it needs no breakdown or analysis. God hates us. He hates you and he hates the Miami Dolphins. That’s it. So go find a priest and lunge a knee into his groin until he vomits.

Because our sucktitude has reached Biblical proportions.

MNF Open Thread

 
Since some of you will be spending Monday Night Football at this dive, here's your official Open Thread post.

Now have at it.

And please, for the sake of the children, no wagering of any kind.

Monday Night Madness

Last night the entire nation got to see just how the Patriots can pull a win out their asses even when they’re man-handled at home. Tonight, the entire nation gets to see just how the Dolphins can pull a loss out their asses even when they dominate all the major stat-lines of the game. It’s a fascinating study that will have scientists and think-tanks debating for decades to come.

So tonight, the country will either sympathize with our plight or they will recoil in horror at just how bad we truly are. Or they’ll realize that this is a Steelers-Dolphins matchup and will watch Charlie Sheen’s shenanigans on Two and a Half Men instead. Somewhere in Bristol, an ESPN executive is having his toe-nails pulled off one at a time for recommending this bag of dog shit of a matchup for a Monday nighter.

During the off-season I wrote a piece for Mondesis House on why the Dolphins would win this game. My argument came down to Joey Porter and that the fact that the Dolphins organization is slightly less gayer than the Steelers. And if you ask me, that's just as good as any analysis you’ll hear from Sean Salisbury. Tonight, we’ll get to see it unfold.

Armando Salguero is reporting that Ricky Williams is going to get the start tonight. (That’s fucking insane!) But the reality is, Ronnie Brown is on IR, Jesse Chatman has a bad cankle and Patrick Cobbs is a leprechaun. So Cam Cameron really has no other choice on the matter. Also, Zach Thomas and his blowed up brain will not play tonight. As for Derrick Pope and his super-secret-double-probation trip to the hospital over the weekend, he’s fine and made the trip to Yinzviille. No word on whether or not he received a talent transplant. Even if he did, I would imagine his body would reject it anyway.

As for the offense, John Beck gets his second career start. From what I’ve heard and read, the weather will be shitty in Pittsburgh tonight. The Steelers and their fans will be agitated and filled with rage and are going to throw wrenches and hammers at Beck tonight to get last week’s loss to the Jets out of their mouths. The Dolphins remain 0-10 and Cam Cameron remains the play-caller. Short of a freak bowling ball to the groin accident, I can’t think of a harsher way for a rookie QB to start his NFL career.

The good news is the Steelers will be without Troy Polumalu and Santonio Holmes. So hopefully, Cam will bag the conservative approach and allow Beck to let his balls fly – the football, not his testicles. With Holmes out, the Fins need to concentrate on Willie Parker and put a shitload of pressure on Ben Roethlisberger (Shit. Polumalu, Roethlisberger. My spell check just blew its brains out).  Our defense has played stellar of late and I can’t help but think a nationally televised game is just what Jason Taylor needs to have a Jason Taylor-like game.

So, here’s to Joey Porter returning home and having his best game in a Dolphins uniform. Here’s to John Beck getting his first career win. Here’s to a triumphant return of Ricky Williams. Here’s to the Dolphins getting that elusive first W. Here’s to Tony Kornheiser’s head exploding like that dude from Scanners as soon as he utters the words “Tom and Brady.”

Prediction: Steelers 31- Dolphins 20

(Comments are welcome during the game. I would live-blog it but I'll be busy throwing shit at my television and battling a serious case of Tourettes, as I am wont to do when I watch a Dolphins game)

Hankerin For Some D-Mac

Got a bunch of e-mails regarding my post from Friday. Apparently I was a bit ambiguous about my stance on the whole Darren McFadden thing. Sorry. Stuffing, Tryptophan and a shit load of Jack and Coke had me feeling a little funky after that Arkansas-LSU game.

So, here’s where I stand. I want Darren McFadden to be a Miami Dolphin. Used to be a day when I didn’t want McFadden. But there was also a time in my life when playing with my Optimus Prime action figure was of more interest to me than playing with girls' titties. But I eventually sat down and did some serious re-thinking on that whole thing and rearranged my priorities. People grow. People change. It's my right as an American. It's what Ben Franklin diddled big breasted French chicks for.

Here’s why I am now and will remain a Darren McFadden guy:

-The Dolphins, in case you have not noticed, suck. And by suck I mean they suck. They suck because of their lack of good players. Generally a lack of good players leads to the suck. It's simple arithmetic, really.

-Ronnie Brown is good. I love me some Ronnie Brown. But Ronnie Brown has not been able to finish an entire season without getting hurt and is now dealing with the worst kind of injury possible: the dreaded ACL tear.

-Darren McFadden is the best player coming out of college this year. It’s not even close. The man is a horse. 6-2, 215 lbs., 4.3 speed and durable. He was cast out of iron, fortitude, and from spare parts from the sixteen-wheeler used in the 1981 Mel Gibson sci-fi classic The Road Warrior. It’s true. Scientists broke into an Orlando area Planet Hollywood and stole the parts they needed (Nobody noticed because nobody was in the restaurant at the time because their food tastes like Bruce Willis took a shit on your plate and served it up with a side of coleslaw). In other words, McFadden is better than Vikings stud rookie running back Adrian Peterson and -- gasp! -- he’s even better than Ronnie Brown. The guy can dominate a game all by himself and pretty much single handedly just beat the #1 team in the country. You just can't pass on a guy like that if you have a chance to nab him. But, most importantly, HE GOT THAT WOOD!!!

-Imagine a trio of John Beck, Ted Ginn Jr. and Darren McFadden running our offense for the next ten years.

There are a lot of you who think the Dolphins should use that eventual number one overall pick and trade out of it for more picks. I understand your thinking. We have many needs and Darren McFadden can’t stuff the run or cover Randy Moss. Got it. But here’s where I differ. You have the number one overall pick, use it. I am a firm believer in drafting a sure-fire stud/star first before you fill needs. Playoff teams are made up of well-balanced rosters. Super Bowl winning teams are made up of great players. McFadden is the real deal, Nation. He’s a great player. And he needs to be a Miami Dolphin. There’s just no other way around it. I’m sorry.

Besides, we pass on him and he’ll likely end up either with the Jets, or with the Patriots (who hold the 49ers' 2008 pick. Nice, eh?). And no one wants that. That would suck like no tomorrow. McFadden is going to be the destructor of linebackers and safeties throughout the NFL for years to come. Let’s make sure he’s playing for us when he’s destroying opposing defenses and drinking the blood of the wicked.

And that’s where I stand with McFadden. Agree? Disagree? Let me know in the comments. I’m still accepting applications for my staff for when the Fins hire me as their President of Football Operations and chief of the new Turning This Shit Around division.

Who Ya Got?

So you've come back home from your 4AM shopping spree at Wal-Mart and BrandsMart USA, where you got that 52" plasma TV for yourself (half off!) and The Best of Ralph Macchio DVD boxed set for your brother-in-law (also half-off!), and plucked yourself down on the couch to waste away the rest of the day. Good! Now you can sit back, relax, and watch today's Arkansas-LSU matchup (2:30 EST, CBS) as you enjoy your turkey salad sandwich and the rest of that boxed wine your uncle bought at Hal's Liquor Emporium. Because this game will feature two of the top college prospects entering next year's draft and two players who have a very real shot at becoming a member of your Miami Dolphins. And by "very real shot" I mean they have no shot whatsoever because we'll end up selecting a punter whose dad Cam knows from back in his days at his high school Glee Club.

Arkansas running back Darren McFadden and LSU defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey are the guys to watch. Watch them closely, Nation, and try to picture them in a Dolphins uniform. Since Miami will hold the number one overall pick in April's draft and since they're rather short on talented players, these two will be projected as Top 5 candidates, even Top 2, in the 2008 NFL Draft.

McFadden is a horse. Plain and simple. He's everything you want in a franchise running back-- size, speed, athleticism and a diet that consists of scrap metal and raw meat. The dude can pound it between the tackles and can break out into the open field. He's huge and he's fast. And he has an excellent health track record. He's flat out going to be number one on every draft guru's board.

Dorsey anchors the defense for the best team in the country. He can dominate the line of scrimmage and dominate an entire Carnival Cruise all-day buffet. He's a house but he's also very fast. He can get by O-linemen with his speed or by blowing them up into smithereens. He can stuff the run, makes opposing QBs wet themselves and is a guy that needs constant double-teaming on just about every play. In short, he's pretty awesome.

So you have Dorsey, who would fill an immediate need on an aging defensive line that can't stop a runny nose. And you have McFadden, who would enter a team with a crowded backfield but is clearly the best player entering the draft and would be the best player on the entire roster. So, have at it.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a whole left-over pumpkin pie in the fridge with my name on it.

*Update*: Arkansas 50-LSU 48 (3 OT). First of all, holeeey-shit do I love college football. This game is a perfect example why it's so friggin fantastic. As for the game itself, McFadden finishes the day with 206 yards, 3 TD and 1 TD pass, beating the #1 team in the country pretty much single handedly. I've been on the fence with this guy all year. One week I want him, the next week I don't. But he's having a monster season and this game puts him over the top for me. Just a great performance all around. Well that's it. Have a great rest of the weekend...

I'll be back Monday with the MNF preview.