Entries from December 2007
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By The Dude on December 31, 2007 8:00 PM
A Happy and safe New Year to you, Nation! As always, thanks for being so kick-ass. Here's to an awesome 2008 for you and yours (and the Fins). And may all your goals and dreams for the new year come true! Mine is to do it with Jessica Biel....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 31, 2007 8:47 AM
With Randy Mueller no longer around, reports have been surfacing everywhere that Bill Parcells is targeting Dallas Cowboys VP of Scouting, Jeff Ireland (awkward looking gent shown above) to take over the GM job for the Dolphins. Ireland is highly regarded around league circles as a dude who knows his shit when it comes to evaluating talent. But the Herald's Armando Salguero confirms that Cowboys owner Michael Jackson Jerry Jones is a surgically enhanced douchebag of the highest order, saying that if Parcells wants Ireland, he may not be able to get him until after April's draft. "Dallas owner Jerry Jones has said he would like to see Ireland 'advance himself,' as long as it doesn't affect the Cowboys before the coming draft." What good would that do us...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 31, 2007 8:18 AM
And so the purge begins... As first reported on PFT last night, the Herald's Armando Salguero is now reporting that the decision has been made by Bill Parcells to can Randy Mueller. He could be gone by as early as today. Salguero also reports that Parcells has already told Wayne Huizenga that Cam Cameron will also be given the boot. The report says that Parcells has heard stories that Cam surfs the web too much, making sure his players are giving the right answers to specific questions on the team's official website. There have also been reports recently that some of Cam's decisions have been based on what he's read on the web from angry media and fans."Parcells told Huizenga he doesn't want a coach that is worried about...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 31, 2007 7:52 AM
Cam Cameron is going to get fired. Not so much because he's an idiot. But because he refused the will of God. Cameron defiantly decided against starting John Beck against the Bengals in the final meaningless regular season game and, instead, started Cleo Lemon because he gave us the best chance to win (Ed. note: someone! get me a vomit bag!) So God had to intervene. He smote Lemon with a hip injury (Ed. note: like Jacob!) and opened the heavenly gates of stardom for Beck to come in and do his thing. Lemon goes down, Beck comes in. On the very first play, Beck fumbles the snap, allowing Cincinnati's Chinedum Ndukwe (Ed. note: spell check just took a shit!) to recover the ball and run it back for...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 28, 2007 1:03 PM
So this is it. Final game of the clusterfuck that is and was the 2007 season. Anyone out there give a shit? I mean, really. Anyone? Other than the fact that this may or may not be Jason Taylor's last hurrah in a Dolphins uniform, there really isn't too much to get worked over about. Fins Nation seems to be more abuzz with the arrival of Bill Parcells' foot (the one that will be keen on kicking some serious front-office ass in the coming weeks) than they are about the Bengals coming into town this Sunday. The Tuna -- yes, that's his nickname, let's just accept it -- hasn't said anything about what decisions are going to be made, but all indications are that Cam Cameron's days here...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 28, 2007 12:26 PM
Parcell's introductory press conference yesterday was, in a word, boring as fuck. Could've been the jet-lag, could've been the whirlwind of the first day on the job, could've been the Arby's Bacon Beef 'n Cheddar value meal he had prior to the press conference (get it? because he's fat), but Parcells was unusually passive and restrained during the whole thing. Almost meek. Not unlike my Dad, plopping himself on the couch and nodding off after he takes his annual post-X-mas meal shit. It was as if Parcells had just reflected upon himself in his innermost thoughts, moments before the mics were turned on, "Ho-leey shit! Why the fuck did I agree to come to this shitfest again?!" But I like this Bill Parcells. I like that he didn't come...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 25, 2007 12:01 AM
To all you awesome Fins Nation commenters, as well as to all you who don’t comment but come here every day to read my goofy shit and rage filled ramblings, I just wanted to say thanks … and wish you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas. You guys have made this shittiest of all Dolphins seasons much easier to stomach. May the love of your friends and family and the cherished memories of opening your gifts, drinking your Bacardi-spiked eggnog and giving thanks warm your heart as well as your cockles. I know my cockles are warm. My cockles are burning. Because of you, dear readers, commenters and everyone in between. A Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everybody! Except Bill Belichick. Fuck that guy....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 24, 2007 8:12 AM
Hi Cleo Lemon. Hello. How are you? Let me first just say, thanks for all the memories. It's been real. You had some decent games for us here and there over the last couple of seasons. Hell, you helped us avoid infamy by leading us to our first and only win this season. And that was sweet. Fantastic. Real nice. High five. C'mon... high five. Cool. Now ... it's time for you to go. Mainly because you infuriate the shit out of me. Clearly there's a depth perception problem you need to address as soon as possible. I mean, seriously dude. What the fuck? If you ever find yourself in a burning building and an hysterical mother pleads for someone to please save her baby and toss it down...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 21, 2007 2:25 PM
This week has been one big love-in for The Golden God and Man-Boobs. But now it's time to talk some football, which is a little unfortunate because I was rather enjoying all the good-vibes banter. But, it's back to the business of ass-kicking. And boy do we have ourselves a whopper of an ass to kick this week. As I noted earlier this week, the NFL tipped their hand in showing just how much they love the Patriots and their so-far perfect season by moving this game -- which was originally scheduled for 1:00 EST -- to 4:00 EST. Roger Goodell was creaming his pants at the prospect of 14-0 facing off against 0-14. And don't give me that shit about flex games. Everyone knows the majority of Sunday's...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 20, 2007 12:09 AM
When your franchise is drowning, don't throw them a life-preserver. Throw 'em some man-boobs! Greg Camarillo saves our souls from ruin and suddenly the flood-gates of dewy goodness have opened up for us in abundance. The interwebs have been going apeshit all day Wednesday -- including here in the comments, totally robbing my comic strip comedy gold thunder. The reports were ongoing all day. "Bill Parcells is going to Atlanta." "No, he isn't, he's coming here." "What the fuck you talkin' bout Willis? No he ain't!" "I'm tellin' you he's coming here for fucksake!" And so on. But Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald has finally, officially, indubitably, made it official: Bill Parcells is the new man in charge of football operations for your Miami Dolphins. Holy. And shit....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 19, 2007 8:53 AM
The Astonishing Tales of the OMG Dolphins! Super Hero Team Force Go! When we last left our mighty heroes, they were getting their asses kicked from New York to London, England! Then, our fearless hero Black Thunder went down and was lost for the year His young ward, The Mormon, still green and inexperienced, seemed to find being a super hero a bit overwhelming and not the glamorous gig he thought it would be. Meanwhile.... Back in London.... But all was not lost, as the Real JT was back at home, blocking field goal attempts and single-handedly saving the OMG Dolphins! Super Hero Team Force from certain destruction, with the use of his own brand of self-motivation he learned from hours of studying the I Can Haz Cheeseburger? website...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL, OMG Dolphins! Super Hero Team Force Go!
By The Dude on December 18, 2007 7:20 PM
You see this man? He has balls of steel. Sure he's had an up and down season. But when the steelness of his balls kick in, he can dominate and win games all by himself. So perhaps they just needed a little oiling up. Witness the field goal block against the Ravens Sunday (above). JT doesn't block that kick, we're walking around our apartment in our boxers with a noose tied around our neck and bloodshot eyes from all the Jack that needed consuming to numb the pain. But that is not the case. JT blocked the kick, the Fins ended up winning the game. All is right in the Universe. So for his reward, JT is going back to the Pro Bowl! It's his and his balls' sixth...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 18, 2007 1:52 PM
Before we get back to the Greg Camarillo Pants Party (yea, we’re gonna milk this shit for all it’s worth), I need to pass along some news items. Because as a blogger, I am bound by law to do this every now and then. Otherwise, it’s a trial by a Tribunal of Bloggers with the possibility of facing a punishment of having to watch an endless loop of a Dane Cook performance for 52 straight hours Clockwork Orange style. So, here we go.... *I failed to mention this but we had a huge response from you people when Ted Ginn Jr. was up for the Diet Pepsi Rookie of the week back in November. I told you to vote. You did. Within the hour, he shot up the ranks...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 18, 2007 7:30 AM
"We're the 1972 Miami Dolphins! Hurumph! Hurumph! Hurumph!" Lost in all the Greg Camarillo: Golden God! madness yesterday was the fact that the living members of the 1972 Dolphins were at the game Sunday. The team was honored at halftime and had been hanging around Dolphins facilities all week, watching practices and telling reporters, trainers, the audio/video guys, the guy who's responsible for draining the jelly out of all dozen of Keith Traylor's jelly-donuts, and anybody else who’d listen, that Wayne Huizenga shouldn’t sell the team. Some have credited their presence with the big win over Baltimore. But I think the Fins’ finally winning a game had less to do with Perfect Season mystique and more to do with creepy old dudes popping up in the middle of a...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 18, 2007 2:40 AM
Still giddy from our first win.... Say Hellloooo to the Dudette! The Dudette promised me that if the Dolphins won a game this year, she’d let me do The Voice again! Helllloooo! La-la-la!!!!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 17, 2007 2:42 AM
My feet still haven’t touched the ground. My throat is raw and scratchy. My voice is shot. I sound like Jennifer Tilly after several rounds of scotch and cigarettes at a Poker tournament. Myself, and everyone around me, are acting like we’re in a Dr. Pepper commercial. My brain still can’t wrap around the idea that, yes goddamit!!, we fucking won a game! And completely ruined the NFL’s hopes of having an 0-14 team meet a 14-0 team in the process. Fuck you NFL! Sunday's overtime win over the Ravens marked the first time in NFL history a 1-13 team and their fans celebrated like they had just won the Super Bowl. At first, this game had all the makings of a typical semi-tractor-trailer-tire-crushing-your-nut-sack vibe the Dolphins seemed to...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 16, 2007 4:40 PM
Greg Camarillo is a Golden God!!!! Back tomorrow for more! But, hells yea!!! We fucking won! Can you believe it???!!!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 14, 2007 7:55 AM
"I want a fucking win right fucking now." Well. This is it. One more loss away from tying the 1976 Bucs. Two more losses away from full on dementia. Beat the 4-9 Ravens or face the fact that you’ll be telling your grandkids you experienced the worst season ever in the history of the NFL. And then they’ll recoil in horror as they realize that you forgot to put in your teeth and that you just pissed your pants. One thing's for sure, this game is guaranteed to be one big giant horse manure sandwich with a dill on the side. 4-9 vs. 0-13. Baltimore is on a seven-game losing streak. Their fans are whining and doing goofy shit because of it. Seven games? Feh. Pussies. Try sixteen games...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 13, 2007 7:50 AM
Some random crap for you this morning. Number one, from this moment on, Cam Cameron will be known as Turd Ferguson. Also... According to Pro Football Weekly, it seems Jason Taylor wants to get the fuck out of Dodge. "We hear that the 11-year veteran, who has spent his entire career as a Dolphin, is bothered more than most players by the winless season and wants to go to a team that he deems a contender."Used to be a time when a report like this was borderline kooky-talk. Now it seems realer by the day. Jason Taylor finishing his career in another uniform? As my Haitian friend Titus would say, "Dat's een-san-ah-tee!" But it could happen. Especially if Turd Ferguson sticks around. And that’s fine by me. Dude deserves...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 12, 2007 7:25 AM
Evidence suggests that Cam Cameron’s mission in life is to completely and utterly fuck up John Beck’s career beyond all recognition before it even gets started. Instead of starting Beck at home against Buffalo after the bye week, he decided to give him the reigns on the road, in the shittiest of shitty-ass weather, against blitz-crazy defenses. He then decided to dropkick Beck’s confidence square in the man-sack by giving him the fish-hook after just a few plays last week. Now, as the Fins face the weakest of their final three opponents this Sunday, he decides to bench Beck and give Cleo Lemon the start. Lemon will, of course, fuck any chance we have of beating the Ravens in the ear, by fumbling the snap five or six times,...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 11, 2007 7:57 AM
Everybody wants Cam Cameron fired. But who do we replace him with? Bill Cowher? Bill Parcells? SI’s Peter King warns us of the Siren Song of the Big Name Coach, which we as a franchise have fallen for time and time again. I didn’t think Peter King was capable of anything other than verbally sucking off Brett Favre at every chance he got and eating an entire Christmas ham in one sitting. But the tubby bastard has a point that I happen to agree with here. The football-savvy just oozes out of him like warm gravy. Or is that actual warm gravy? Meanwhile, the Cleo Lemon or John Beck? debates have begun. Which, at this point, has become like choosing between the chick with the goiter or...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 10, 2007 7:52 AM
What am I doing with my Sundays? I oughta be out in a convertible, bird-doggin' chicks and bangin' beaver on Sundays. Instead, I’m watching the shitty Dolphins? I must be a fucking loon. This shit just ain’t funny anymore. It’s become downright grim. We’re now one loss away. One loss away from tying the worst record in NFL history. Two losses away from breaking that tie. And three losses away from completing the worst season ever in NFL history – in the same season a hated rival will go 19-0, no less. So, thanks to the collective efforts of the 2007 Miami Dolphins and the 2007 New England Patriots, I’m actually starting to hate football. I mean really fucking hate it. Not sure if this shit can ever be...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 10, 2007 12:00 AM
"Oh my! Hello. I am C-3PO. Human cyborg relations. I have come from a galaxy far, far away to deliver you some pertinent information. It seems that it has been exactly 365 days since the Miami Dolphins last won a game. I must tell you that the odds of this happening are 7,550,000 to one. Oh dear, oh dear. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be going. There's a Champagne Cooly with my name all over it! Fabulous! Oh my!"...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
I understand I’m fighting a losing cause with calling for patience with Cam. And I wouldn’t be at all pissed if Wayne did can his ass at the end of the season. My only thing is, when does it end? When do we stop hiring and firing coaches? Because we’re going to suck major ass next year too. Bring down Cowher, bring down Parcells, exhume Vince Lombardi and shove a cattle prod up his ass to revive him, and we’ll still suck. So what do we do when the next guy manages to only win 1 or 2 games in 2008? Fire him too? At some point, we need to be static, take our lumps and let shit settle so that the team can start working its way back...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 7, 2007 11:15 AM
Dan Marino is The Right Arm of God. You know it. I know it. He's also cast in the mold of Clint Eastwood's Man With No Name and Kurt Russell's Snake Plissken. A complete and total fucking badass. And so when he speaks, it would be wise for us to heed. Marino offers this advice from Mount Olympus: Be patient. Marino is the shit round these parts. Not to mention his rugged good looks, his intense presence, his Hall of Fame career and an arm that could throw the moon off its axis, thus disrupting the earth's sea levels, causing massive floods, killer typhoons, mile-high tsunamis, and totally fucking up your weekend plans. At the Jets game last Sunday, the jumbotron showed highlights of his legendary Clock-Play game against...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Hey Nation. This post has nothing to do with the Dolphins. But if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share something with you. (It's 100% true, by the way. And 100% free, so fuck you if you're mad because this isn't a Dolphins post): Last night my girl and I took our son to the local Borders bookstore where they were hosting some kind of Christmas thing for kids. It was billed as two hours of holiday cheer complete with games, goodies and caroling! She basically had to drag me to this fuck-fest. Aside from all the obvious shit I would have to endure, mainly being around a bunch of assholes and their ugly children, it also featured two things I hate most in life: a crowd of loud kids...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
You remember that semi-retarded guy? Mike Mularkey? He used to be offensive coordinator round here? Yes. I know him. He is, how you say? A dumb fuck. Yes? I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brotha a dumb fuck. He’s slow. What’s the poor muthafucka gonna do? He’s semi-retarded. Well…word round the water cooler is he’s now our offensive coordinator again. Why is this happening? Mularkey caught Coach Cam giving Mrs. Mularkey a foot massage. So now Mularkey's our OC. It’s a damn shame for Coach Cam. He’s just beggin to get fired now. It is great shame. But you play with matches, you get burn. What? Man I think Mularkey waayyy over-reacted here. It was a foot massage! I think Coach Cam should know better to...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Cam Cameron has been overwhelmed with head coaching and calling the offensive plays all year. It's tough to be a rookie head coach and deal with all the injuries, and the in-game clock management, and the development of talented rookies and calling in the plays all at the same time. But the good news is Cam is finally delegating. That's right. He's announced a new offensive coordinator. And so his choice as the new Dolphins OC is ... ... ... What? Him? Really? Ah fuck!! Motherfucker!! What the fuck!? This totally explains the three straight runs to hobbled Jesse Chatman after the Porter interception last Sunday. And why not hand Mike Mularkey the keys? When you're cornered by a grizzly in the woods, who else would you turn to...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
I’m not on the Fire Cam Cameron bandwagon. Not yet anyway. Some might think I am because of my recent posts but, believe me, these here visceral ramblings are all good and balanced -- like part of your complete breakfast! I am an equal opportunity ripper. I do everything in my power not to become part of the knee-jerk brigade or fall victim to the obtuse blathering of some of those fine folks (some of these commenters/message board brainiacs are actually blaming Cam for putting Zach on IR. I shit you not). That said, this isn’t going to win him any points with the furious throng calling for his head. And that group is growing daily by the thousands. Holding seven starters off the practice field on a...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Yea, I guess we should've seen this coming. Zach is officially done for the year, placing a big ass exclamation point on this sorry sack of shit of a season. And yet, there are still four more games left to endure. Fantastic!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
By The Dude on December 4, 2007 12:33 PM
Toast McGee is done for the season. And now, a heartfelt tribute ......
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
In hindsight, I guess I should have expected this. Everything was in place for a Dolphins win. And by that I mean the day was ripe for yet another ball-crushing, soul-sucking loss. The crowd was rocking. The Jets fans silenced. Joey Porter had just intercepted a batted ball and ran it back to the New York 30-yard line. All across the stadium, the feeling was palpable. This was it! This was going to be the day we finally took the proverbial monkey off our backs and punted it off a building. This was the day we would finally get that elusive victory. So what happened, you ask? Cam Cameron. Cam Cameron happened. With the Jets on their heals after that huge turnover and the home crowd in a frenzy,...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
