FinsNation

Ex-Dolphins All Up In the Super Bowl

11 ex-Dolphins will be playing or somehow participating in the Super Bowl this Sunday, which is more than any of the current Dolphins can say. Let's see... Jason Taylor? Collecting Man of the Year Awards. Not bad. But we'd rather he be collecting a Super Bowl ring. Cleo Lemon?  At the corner laundromat. He threw his dirty undies in the dryer and the rest of his clothes he threw into some old lady's hamper (see what I did there?) Channing Crowder? Looking for another tree to crash into. Our entire secondary? Still in flames from what Randy Moss did to them back in October. Trent Green? Drawing murals on the wall with his own poop.

Here's the list. Because fuck it, man.

Giants:
CB Sam Madison (Free agent not re-signed before '06. Yup, Sam Madison is finally in a Super Bowl)
OL Grey Ruegamer (Drafted in '99, cut in 2000. Linemen. Pfft.)
DL Manny Wright (Saban made him cry. Cam cut him.)
RB Reuben Droughns (Spent one month on the practice squad in 2001. I know. It's the practice squad. I know. It's Reuben Drougnhns. But still)

Patriots:
RB Kyle Eckel (Waived in '07 training camp)
FB Heath Evans (Starter cut in Sept. '05)
LB Larry Izzo (Free agent not re-signed before 2001. I know. It's Larry Izzo.)
OL Billy Yates (Undrafted FA in '03, cut in '04. But, hey, who needs extra linemen anyway? Am I right?)
WR Wes Welker (Traded for 2nd-round pick in '07. I'd STILL make that trade. Only because it netted us Satele. Still. Fuck.)
RB Sammy Morris (Free agent not re-signed before '07. My Dad LOVES this guy. Needless to say, he's pissed beyond words.)
LB Junior Seau (Acquired in '03 trade, not re-signed before '06. I dare you to find a more annoying assbag than Junior Seau.)

There you go.

Discuss. Or not.

Dan Marino Got Wine

Nothing says benevolence and charity like a liquored up asshole telling everyone in the room just how much they’ve let him down. But that’s me. I love me an alcoholic beverage or two, and I love to let it all hang out when I drink. So if I’m going to get shit faced and act like a total douche, I might as well do it while supporting a good cause. It’s all about the kids, really.

Just when I begin to come to terms with the fact that Dan Marino may not, after all, be a god, he comes out and announces that he’s now making wine. He’s not a god. He’s the friggin Messiah!

Marino has announced his new line of Vintage 13 wines – chardonnay, merlot and cabernet sauvignon – will be sold at Publix, local wine shops and his restaurants in Miami, St. Petersburg, Orlando and Las Vegas. The wine will be distributed by Charity Wines and will sell for $13.00 a pop. For each bottle sold, $1.25 will go to the Dan Marino Foundation to help children with chronic disorders.

Never in my life did I ever think I’d be buying wine from Publix. But that's what I once said about condoms. Hell, it beats buying wine at WalMart. So off to Publix I go for some wine, condoms and a frozen pizza! And, hey, I like wine. I like a good merlot every now and then. It's a nice way to wash down a good meal and relax while watching the sunset. Plus, it’s great for getting my lady all loosey-goosey, if you know what I mean.*

Bang it here for more info on Marino Estates Vintage 13 wines. Get yourself a bottle or two and help support Dan’s foundation.

-

*It means I get her buzzed so I can rub my face between her boobies without a fight.

Random Crap

It's Super Bowl week. The most soul-sucking week in the entire calender year. Not much going on news-wise other than ESPN and NFL Network wanting to desperately skull fuck Tom Brady. But here's what there is Dolphins-wise:

-Dan Marino says we should reserve judgment on John Beck. I agree. Because I think The Mormon is a very good quarterback and needs more talent around him. Also because whatever Dan Marino says. If Dan Marino wanted to take a shit in my tuna melt sandwich, I'd absolutely let him.

-Some guy may or may not become the next Dolphins offensive coordinator. Hue Jackson? Sounds made up. He might not even be real.

-Armando Salguero's blog headline today: Trading the first pick to the Cowboys? Not so fast. When did Armando Salguero turn into a 1950's comic book villain?

-Some Boston Herald reporter makes the "Patriots Fan Base Is One Giant Bag of Dicks" theory official with this typically douchey Bostonian rant. Phin Phanatic calls the reporter a Skank. But that's wrong. I would call her something more cute and endearing, like Cunty. Cunty McShitballs.

I'll be back tomorrow with more news (hopefully) and more comedy gold!

Dolphins In Draft-Day Trade Talks With Dallas?

Hat tip to commenter JerryD for this nugget in yesterday's comments. PFT reports:

"ESPN's Chris Mortensen suggested during a special edition of Sunday NFL Countdown that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is eyeing the possibility of swinging a trade with the Dolphins for the No. 1 overall pick in the 2008 draft. Such a deal would allow the 'Boys to bag running back Darren McFadden, who played college football at Jones' alma mater of Arkansas."

According to Mortensen, any deal would have to include Cowboys RB Marion Barber:

"To make it happen, the Cowboys would have to work out a sign-and-trade deal before Barber gets a chance to ink an offer sheet that would force the Cowboys to match the terms or let him go in exchange for compensation. Thus, the safest bet for the 'Boys would be to tender Barber at the highest possible level, which would force any team that signs him to give up a first-round pick and a third-round pick. Those extra picks then could be used to sweeten the pot for the top spot in the draft."

Dallas now holds the 22nd and 28th overall picks in the draft. The thinking is, Dallas would give up Barber and those two picks for Miami's No. 1 overall. We know this because Jimmy Johnson's draft chart tells us so. It's like a magic 8 ball.

So the Dolphins would then hold two first round picks and the rights to Marion Barber. And some are suggesting that the framework for a trade is already in place, given that Jerry Jones has allowed Bill Parcells to scavenge pretty much his entire front office personnel and coaching staff, leaving him with nothing but Wade Phillps and Joe Simpson to run shit down there. It could be that Jones is keeping quiet as part of the potential deal.

I like the idea of a trade like that. Marion Barber helped me win my fantasy league this year, so clearly I'm qualified to say the man is a very good running back. Put him in the backfield with a healthy Ronnie Brown (or even a Ricky Williams or a Lorenzo Booker) and that backfield tandem might very well be the tits of the AFC (translation: tits are good). Add the two first rounders and the two second rounders we already have, and we're in prime position to nab four quality players in the first two rounds. Not too shabby. Will this trade happen? Eh, probably not.

But it's the kind of thing Parcells is capable of pulling off. So there's always hope. The NFL is his world and he likes to play the Conquering General.

I like to play Star Trek. I dress up in my Jean-Luc Picard outfit and walk around town barking out orders at total strangers, "Number One, you have the Bridge. I have to take a Number Two."

Weekender

The big event of the weekend will be the Farewell to the Orange Bowl Stadium festival going on all day tomorrow. The main event features a flag football game between ex-Dolphins and ex-Hurricanes.

You can read my preview of the event for the Miami New Times here.

The Canes roster features guys like Jim Kelly, Bernie Kosar, Lamar Thomas, Randall Hill and Ken Dorsey, among others. The Dolphins will be led by The Right Arm of God himself and features Jason Taylor, Joe Rose, Earl Morrall, Jim Kiick, Nat Moore and Jimmy Cefalo. It's the equivalence of a game between your Dad and his friends vs. your Grandfather and his friends. Good times all around.

It'll be a seven-on-seven matchup from the 50 yard line with 20 minute halves. The Dolphins team will mostly be napping come the last three minutes of the first half.

I say fuck it. It really should just be Dan Marino and JT against the entire Canes roster anyway. "But Dude," you say, "that'd be quite an unfair disadvantage." Why yes, Jimmy, it would be quite a disadvantage.

For the Canes!

Are you kidding me? Dan Marino and Jason Taylor? C'mon!! That's the all-time greatest team-up ever. That's like if Superman and the Incredible Hulk teamed up and fought against a tire swing and a box of raisins. Same thing. It's not even close. This is why the organizers had to throw in useless old fatass turds like Cefalo and Rose, to even the playing field. Lest Jason decides to use Ken Dorsey as a tooth pick after consuming Jim Kelly's spleen. Anyway, should be fun. Here's more info on the event.

Have a great weekend.

Dolphins Are Ready To Hear Offers

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland has made it official. The Dolphins are ready to hear offers for the overall number one pick. Or not.

Said Ireland: "Rome wasn't built in a day, and this won't be built in a day either. The No. 1 pick is no different from the 22nd pick. You've got to make the right selection. You just can't miss on it. We're going to do everything in our power to make the right choices, whether it be to take the pick or move down. We'll listen to all offers.

"We're open for business."

Did everybody catch that? Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will this shit. Armando Salguero's readers heads just exploded (as did the heads of the members of the Dolphins fan sites' Message Board Morons Brigade).

I'm warming up to the idea of trading away the pick, seeing that there isn't one player that really stands out for me (I still love McFadden but waved bye-bye to him as soon as Parcells waddled his fat ass in the door). But it's going to be tough trying to get a good deal. It really comes down to how much in love teams are with Glenn Dorsey or McFadden.

I'm in love with myself. And some would say that is the most important love of all.

Channing Crowder Crashed

Channing Crowder crashed his 2007 pickup truck on the Florida Turnpike at 5:15 this morning. And then left the scene.

Just once it would be awesome if the Dolphins made the news in a way that didn’t remind us all what a bunch of fuck ups they are. But here it is:

“[Crowder] said, he lost control of the pickup at the rain-slicked Hollywood Boulevard exit, slamming into a tree. And yes, rather than wait around in the rain, he caught a ride home, leaving the crunched truck on the roadside, -- gun, crutches and all. … Crowder's personal property, including the firearm, was returned to him. As for the crutches? Crowder had arthroscopic surgery on his right knee near the end of the Dolphins' dismal season.”

He crashed then got a ride home? That’s it? This story had promise when it was first reported that his truck was found abandoned and that cops discovered a gun and crutches in it. It had murder-mystery written all over it!

Instead, it turns out Crowder just can’t fucking drive. He crashed the car, someone probably pulled over to help and realized it was Channing Crowder. “Hey! Aren’t you Channing Crowder?” the guy asked. Crowder, thinking the guy was probably a cop, then said to him, "Um… no speaka English" and limped away. The guy then offered him a ride home and Crowder then said, “Shit yea motherfucka!”

End of story.

Some will likely wonder if Crowder had been drinking. But I say nah. The most likely scenario is that Crowder steers a car the same way he tackles – with his feet.

Coaching Staff Updates

Sorry for the late post today. I was fixing my hair.

Contrary to a report by DallasCowboys.com yesterday, Todd Bowles will not be the Dolphins defensive coordinator. Instead he was named assistant head coach and coach of the secondary for the Fins.

Instead, it looks like Paul Pasqualoni will be the new DC. In case you haven’t heard, he used to be with the Cowboys. What does Pasqualoni bring to the table, aside from a pain in my ass when I try typing his name? He used to coach Syracuse. Apparently he sucked there. Ask Vman. He’s also from Connecticut. My brother lives there, so I'm qualified to say this: Connecticut is boring as balls. Seriously. If you've never been, it’s easy to duplicate the experience of being there. Just walk around a grocery store for an hour. Don’t shop. Just walk around. While you’re doing this, tie a plastic bag over your head. Ping! You’re in Connecticut!

Anyway, here’s Sparano’s coaching staff so far:

Paul Pasqualoni: Defensive Coordinator
Todd Bowles: Assistant Head Coach/Secondary
“Diamond” David Lee: QB Coach
James Saxon: RB Coach
*Karl Dorrell: WR Coach
Mike Maser: Offensive Line
Kacy Rodgers: Defensive Line
Evan Marcus: Strength & Conditioning

Fuck the news is slow.

*Update: Karl Dorrell has been named the Dolphins WR coach. Suck a bag of dicks, Bruins fan site commenters!

Bowles To Be the New Defensive Coordinator?

As first reported by commenter Brian earlier, DallasCowboys.com is saying that Cowboys secondary coach Todd Bowles is expected to be named the Dolphins' defensive coordinator.

Bowles is described as a laid back coach, which is something the players in Dallas apparently liked about him. He was at one point interviewed for the head coaching job when Parcells left. But Jerry Jones wanted a guy he could push around and blame when things eventually go horribly wrong, so he went with Wade Phillips instead. Bowles is a hot commodity around league circles.

"Bowles said he has offers from other clubs, including a defensive assistant position in Washington, but said Tuesday as he was leaving for the airport that he will go to Miami and reunite with new head coach Tony Sparano, who had been on the Cowboys staff since 2003."

I like going to airports and just walking around pretending I'm an important business man. I pace around with an empty briefcase, peering at my watch and looking at the flight information screens and shaking my head, frustrated that my flight is delayed and/or canceled. Then someone invariably always tries to make smalltalk and asks me what I do for a living. But I just point and say, "Look a monkey!" and run off when they look away. I then go into the Duty Free shop where I buy a Toblerone for $22.50.

First Coach to Eventually Get Fired by Parcells is Almost Onboard

Dan Henning has emerged as the leading candidate to land the Dolphins’ offensive coordinator’s job. Henning has held jobs with the Falcons, Redskins and even Don Shula’s Dolphins for a while. Remember those Dolphins teams of 1979-1980? Me neither.

Henning was most recently the OC for the Carolina Panthers. Which all means, under his leadership, the Fins will be approximately 7% better than a team made up of midgets and hobos.

Giants QB coach Chris Palmer is no longer the front-runner for the job. But I say we wait for Palmer. Anyone who can do what he’s done with Eli Manning needs to be down here working with John Beck. Because just like Aqua Man can communicate with fish and make them do what he wants, Palmer can communicate with goofy white QBs who are devoid of personalities and can’t say the word “fuck” and make them good quarterbacks.

Meanwhile, reached for comment about the job, Henning said: “I’m the front runner for the Dolphins OC job? Shit. Taxi! Taxi!!!!”