FinsNation

Weekender: Ahh, Bibiana

Have a great weekend, Nation.

I leave you with Bibiana and Lilly.

Make out! MAKE OUT!!!

(Bigger pics and slide show here.)

Picking First Sucks

Bill Parcells confirmed with the New York Daily News this week that he is, in fact, willing to trade out of the first overall pick. We all would like him to do this for a number of reasons -- mainly to get more picks so he can have more flexibility to fix our numerous problems. Also, because there isn't one player in this draft class that screams out must-draft-franchise-player. Chris Long, Jake Long, Matt Ryan, Glenn Dorsey, Vernon Gholston -- all the top prospects -- are great players. But they're not franchise changing, cornerstone players. They're the kind of players you would add to football team with a weakness or two. They're the kind of solid players you'd draft in the middle portion of the first round in any other year. But, of course, since the Dolphins hold the first overall pick this year and since God hates the Dolphins, the fact is this is what we have to choose from this year. Sigh.

Recent history tells us that drafting No. 1 overall does not favor the Dolphins. According to this SI article, teams that pick in the top ten are usually doing so for a long, long time. Mainly this is because the system is all kinds of shades of fucked up. You've got a player coming out of college who basically amounts to a prospect and right off the bat, you gotta pay him $30 million guaranteed. And yet you really have no idea if the guy you just drafted is Super Bowl winning, record-breaking, commercial starring Peyton Manning or dog killing, weed-in-a-fake-water-bottle carrying, flipping off the fans Michael Vick. And the amount of money the top pick in the draft gets increases every year.

In my opinion, the only clear solution is for the owners and the player's union to come up with some kind of rookie salary cap. Then these insane gobs of money won't be blown on shit-the-bed busts like David Carr, or Alex Smith, or Robert Gallery, or Cedric Benson, or (gasp!) Ronnie Brown, until they prove they're worth a damn and can then be given an extension or a re-structured contract. How many good proven vets have the Dolphins been forced to waive for salary cap reasons because they owe Jason Allen's sorry sack of shit no-talent ass big draft money? It's a crazy-ass system and it's flawed because of the way the market flows and it needs to stop with... Wait.

What am I doing?

Bill Belichick is a dickbag!

Whew. That's more like it.

Anyway, Parcells needs to get up in somebody's ass and get them to trade for the number one pick.

The Fins Will Draft Matt Ryan. Maybe.

ESPN's Matt Mosley says that the Dolphins are going to draft DE Chris Long. Unless they draft QB Matt Ryan:

"The Miami Dolphins are the most tight-lipped organization in football right now. Bill Parcells broke his silence to say a few words to New York Daily News columnist Gary Myers last week, but it wasn't anything particularly revealing. The Dolphins would prefer trading out of the pick, but they won't find a willing partner. I have Miami choosing Virginia defensive end Chris Long right now, but Boston College quarterback Matt Ryan is still a strong possibility. I think Ryan has the intangibles that Parcells is looking for, and it wouldn't be the first time the former head coach drafted a quarterback No. 1 overall (Drew Bledsoe).

I'm told that Parcells has spent hours pouring over tape of Ryan and that he and GM Jeff Ireland have talked to pretty much anyone who's been associated with him. If the Dolphins can reach an agreement with Ryan before the draft, I think they take him. If not, they'll stick with Long."

There are also rumblings that the Dolphins like Michigan QB Chad Henne, whom they reportedly worked out on Tuesday. They also plan to attend USC QB John David Booty's workout. Also, Omar Kelly tells us not to count out LSU DT Glenn Dorsey as the guy the Fins get. Meanwhile, Louisville QB Brian Brohm enters the fray as the fastest QB in this class (4.61 40) and with an identical Wonderlic score as Ryan. And don't forget that Michigan OT Jake Long is still very much a possibility.   

So, to recap in case you're just joining us: We still have no fucking clue who the Dolphins will draft first.

Jesus this off-season is boring and monotonous. Getting poked in the face with a monkey's dick would be a hundred times more interesting than this shit right about now. In fact... yea... fuck it... I'm off to the zoo!

Jason Taylor Is The Mambo King, Bitch

Jason Taylor once again kicked some dancy ass on Dancing With the Stars last night. He danced the Mambo and  impressed the judges with his nimble feet and devilish good looks. He also scored a 9 from all three judges! Tonight is double-elimination night. Two contestants will be gone by the end of the evening. Also gone: my dignity.

Meanwhile, I just discovered that JT has his own blog on ESPN chronicling his adventures in dancing. It's pretty interesting stuff if you have nothing better to do. And by nothing better to do I mean shoving a plunger up some random person's ass or picking your toes. Here's an excerpt:

"The only time I'd ever danced—before going on this show—I ended up in the hospital. I was doing the Michael Jackson dance from "Thriller" when I was 11, spun around and fell face-first on a speaker in my house. I was bleeding between the eyes. It's still the most visible scar I've got on my body."

All this time I thought that scar above JT's nose was a result of some routine weekend of wrestling pumas or rescuing orphans from grizzly bears. Or at least something acquired during a football game. But alas, he got it the most stupid way imaginable. And what the hell were those speakers made of? Rocks?

Still it's good to know JT was just as clumsy and just as liable to trip over a cat or some shit and break his teeth as I was when I was 11. This makes me feel better about me. Still. The hospital? My Dad has a saying whenever something bad happens. He says "Puta!" Which means "Bitch!" in Spanish. So, as a child, whenever I would fall and bust my head and blood ran down my face from my fractured hemorrhaging skull, I wouldn't get a trip to the hospital. I'd get a robust "Puta!" followed by a kick in the ass and then an order to go fetch another bottle of beer from the fridge.

So, to sum up, the 11 year old me was a badass while the 11 year old Jason Taylor was a bit of a pussy. Of course, things have changed over the years. Jason Taylor can now pretty much pummel me into a fine powder, earns millions of dollars playing football, serves tirelessly and give to children's charities, is beloved by women everywhere and dances with hot chicks for cash and prizes. Me? I'm a blogger with pretty cool collection of 1960's nudie playing cards. Check out the 3 of clubs! Lady's got nipples the size of silver dollar pancakes!!  

Anyway, if you can, please vote for JT tonight by texting 3402 so he can bring home the cup, or trophy or whatever the hell they award these people at the end of the season.

2008 Dolphins Mock Draft

   

I’ve been writing about the Dolphins draft in one form or another since 2005. More often than not, I have been right, they have been wrong. A quick re-cap:

2005: I said the Fins should draft Braylon Edwards. They took Ronnie Brown instead. Now, Edwards is blowing shit up in Cleveland while Brown is blowing up his knee and has yet to finish an entire season.

2006: I said the Fins should try to trade up for Jay Cutler. If not, then draft Antonio Cromartie. They took Jason Allen instead. Now, Cromartie holds the record for longest TD in NFL history, is a Pro Bowler and is generally regarded as one of the best corners in the NFL. Allen is, well, you know....

2007: I said the Fins should draft either Patrick Willis or Brady Quinn. We all know what happened after that.

So now, I’m calling the Dolphins to target two guys: Vernon Gholston and Brian Brohm. Fat fucking chance that happens.

Anyway, here now, my Fins 2008 mock draft. Ah, yes, the mock draft. The most arbitrary, capricious waste of time a blog or website can subjugate upon its readers. So let’s do it, shall we!

1. DE Chris Long, Virginia: As much as I’d rather we take Vernon Gholston, this does seem the safest pick to make at No. 1. And everyone seems to love Long. Long is good. Long is great. Chicks dig the Long. So, I'll cave with convention and say Chris Long. But Chris Long better be fucking be exactly like his Dad is all I'm saying. I mean exactly. He needs to have a Hall of Fame career, lead our defense to at least one Super Bowl victory, get that same shitty buzz cut, make pickup truck commercials and star in shitty straight-to-DVD movies.

2 (#32). QB Brian Brohm, Louisville: The Dolphins are going to take a QB somewhere in this draft. That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on John Beck. I haven’t. But it’s just the way it’s gonna be. My personal favorite QB in this class is Brohm. Brohm brings 30+ games started in college, a 65% completion percentage and tremendous athleticism as well as loins of steel. In my opinion, he’s better than Ryan, Joe Flacco and Chad Henne. And there’s no rhyme or reason as to why his stock has plummeted. The injury history is not a problem for me, either. If teams pass on him to fill other needs in the first round, Brohm becomes a bargain here and we have to take him. That’s all there is to it. Brian Brohm is what you want in a franchise QB. Again, I love me some Mormon. But when the most important position in all of football has been neglected and seriously fucked over with for the past decade, you need to stock up on as many potential franchise QBs as you can until someone emerges. My money’s on Brohm.

Continue Reading 2008 Dolphins Mock Draft>>

Hey

Hey.

Nothing much going on today.

Hey.

I'll just post some random SI Swimsuit pictures. Because what the hell, right?

Hey.

Did you know Elle Macpherson gave me my first real boner? I was 7.

Hey.

I'll be posting my first Fins mock draft tomorrow, so keep an eye out for that. And now the pics, as promised (click image for bigger view).

Matt Ryan Threw Some Balls

Matt Ryan had his pro day yesterday in front of media and about 42 NFL personnel, scouts and GMs. Dolphins' director of college scouting Chris Grier and quarterbacks coach David Lee were in attendance.

Ryan worked out at BC's biggest Pro Day ever, throwing to former teammates for a mini-combine of 42 scouts and other personnel evaluators from 22 NFL teams. He completed 48 of 52 passes -- three drops, one overthrown -- from three-, five- and seven step drops, from the pocket and on the run, throwing to both sides of the field.

[Chiefs coach Herm] Edwards said it looked like Ryan was trying too hard early on, knowing that most of the scouts and reporters were there to see him.

"That's what generally happens," Edwards said. "It puts a lot of pressure on the kids, and that's good, because the game they're going to play has pressure."

Sounds like Ryan did okay. And, hey, Herm Edwards seems impressed. Many bloggers and columnists will point out Ryan's pressing, criticizing him for "trying too hard" to impress. These are the same douchenozzles that walk up to a pretty girl at a bar and say some shit like, "Hi. You may not see it by looking at me but I have a big penis. I... er... I mean... I... I'm a columnist for the guh...... shit! What I meant to say was, I want to do you because ....see how beautiful you are? I mean... damn! That was wrong. That was wrong. It's wrong to speak to a woman like that. It's also wrong to fuck a chimp. Er....uh. Or ... I don't know. Is is wrong to fuck a chimp? How does one know? Maybe they like it. So....uh, can I buy you a drink??"

Anyway... know one knows if Ryan will be a Dolphin come April. I like the guy but I won't punch anyone in the face if we don't end up drafting him. If we do, then that means there's something Bill likes about him. And none of us know anything about these things, really. And columnist and bloggers are morons. And tits are awesome. And Louis CK is a genius. And the economy sucks. I'm all about the facts, man.

Jason Taylor Wins Over Dancing Judges, My Heart

First of all, I promised myself that I’d only watch 20 minutes of the show to catch a glimpse of Jason Taylor dancing just so I can say that I watched him do this crap at least once. It would be my first and last time watching Jason Taylor frolic around in shiny pants.

If anyone asked me prior to last night’s Dancing With the Stars season premiere what I thought JT’s chances at winning this thing were, I would’ve told them that Jason Taylor is half-man, half cyborg-- programmed to seek and destroy his foes and adversaries and, therefore, not at all programmed to dance in a totally non-destructive manner for cash and prizes. I would have told them that he’s out of his element – as opposed to his regular job description: rip quarterback a new asshole, go home, have a straight grain whiskey on the rocks.

But after watching JT dance the foxtrot in front of millions of viewers, mostly whom have no earthly clue what he does for a living (He’s, like, a football player, right?), I was pleasantly surprised. I even found myself genuinely cheering for him like I do on Sundays. This was not what I expected of myself. First of all, because this show is ridiculous. And secondly, because I expected JT to come out all revved up like before a game and smash some shit up. But he didn’t. Because I’m so used to watching him bulldoze over 300 pound linemen, crack quarterbacks’ skulls in and punch the air with that “hit the target” celebration thingy that he does, I expected him to flop around the dance floor like a moose that had just been hit with a tranquilizer dart. Instead, JT was graceful, lithe, with a hint of charming sophistication. I was enchanted.

I was even hoping the judges would come out and agree with me that JT was all kinds of awesome and give him a perfect score, as I had already done in my heart. And while he did get favorable scores from the three judges (7-8-7), it wasn’t a perfect score. That shit annoyed me to no end. I don’t know if standards are usually high on the show. I don’t know if they’ve ever scored higher than a 9. But after they gave their respective scores, I found myself saying to the three judges -- out loud mind you, “Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you.” I was officially hooked in.

Fuck me.

After that, it became a matter of watching the other contestants and uttering to myself, “Yea, Jason can pretty much kick that guy’s ass.” Cristian de la Fuente? I have no idea who you are or what you do. But Jason Taylor can kick your Cristian de lass. Adam Carolla? Pfft. Please. Penn Jillette? Magic is stupid. Oh and Jason Taylor can kick your ass. Steve Guttenberg? Nice guy. Good guy. Jason Taylor can so kick your ass. Mario? Actually, Mario scares me a little. Kid can dance. But Jason Taylor can still kick his ass.

Anyway, it all continues next Tuesday. Anyone want to have a watch party? My house! Come on over!* We can order pizza and cheer on JT, text in our votes, and make fun of the fact that Priscilla Presley has that creepy smooth waxy face, yet flappy old lady arms and saggy body. It'll be sooo awesome!

-
*By “Come on over,” I mean, “What are you fucking high? It’s a joke!”

Not a joke: Jason Taylor’s dance moves. I’ll be so watching next week.

JT Says He's Staying (and other crap)

Here's what happened over the weekend while you wondered why your Emperor's Club "order" was a no-show:

Jason Taylor appears on satellite radio, says he's staying in Miami, walks off doing jazz hands
Taylor told Sirius Satellite radio hosts Vic Carucci and Dan Leberfeld that Miami is where he wants to be. This has really become the most annoying story of the off-season. It's been a slow time for news and some are speculating that Bill Parcells is all pissy about JT's off-season shenanigans and will therefore trade him away because of his cavorting with fast dames on some god damned fruity television program. That'll show him! Look, this thing won't get resolved until either one of two things happen: A.) Jason Taylor gets traded or B.) Jason Taylor is in a Dolphins uniform on Opening Week in September. AND THAT'S IT! The media needs to seriously quit trying to figure this out. And the media needs to seriously stop doing these kinds of columns. No, seriously. Stop.

Meanwhile, tonight is JT's debut on Dancing With the Stars. You can see some video and photos on his MySpace page, where I continue to be his BFF (after the "Vote for JT", "Edyta" his dance partner, and the "DWS Season 6" pages. ::claps, giggles and hops up and down::). This Edyta chick seems somewhat hot. But she also sounds mind numbingly annoying. Won't surprise me in the least if JT ends up tossing her across the room like a sack of game-worn Vernon Carey jockstraps once she finally gets on his last nerve. JT has no tolerance for bullshit. Anyway, catch the 2 hour premiere (Jesus! 2 fucking hours??!!) tonight on ABC! And be sure to vote for JT by texting  34343.

Parcells keeps building the Special Teams unit. Other units can go fuck themsevles
The Fins signed former Bengals WR Tab Perry, prompting two questions: Why are we only building up the special teams and neglecting our other needs? And, why would anyone name their kid Tab? Bill obviously has other plans that do not include signing any more free agents as far as building the offensive line, defensive line, secondary or wide receiver units is concerned, so we'll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, take a step back, pause and reflect at what our special teams looks like now. All of a sudden, it's looking pretty damned kickass. Yea it does.

Ricky Williams is on schedule with his rehab. Bloggers, columnists and fan forums are on schedule for more shitty "Ricky-Loves-Pot!" jokes
If you recall, Ricky's comeback with the Fins lasted about 7 minutes last season before some gorilla asshole from the Steelers stepped on his shoulder. Meanwhile, Ronnie Brown's season went to the crapper after he  tore his ACL. Yes, it was a lovely season. But Brown's agent says he too is on schedule with his rehab and is even doing some running. It will be great to have both Brown and Williams in the backfield next season. If both can stay healthy (I'm looking at you, Black Thunder!), that's one mighty RB combo coming from behind John Beck, or Josh McCown, or Matt Ryan, or Joe Flacco, or Chad Henne, or....

Justin Smiley Has Something Up His Ass

Alright, Smiley. What you got?

What do ya mean coach?

Your ass is bigger than usual today. And if there's one thing I know, it's big asses.

Oh that. Meh. I just been putting gravy on my porkchops lately. That's all. Really.

Let's go Smiley. Out with it!

:sigh: Fine.

What the hell? That motherfucker's pullin stuff outta his ass!

A Triple-A Card?

In case I go for a ride with Channing Crowder.

Christ. What else you got up there? C'mon!

Alright... alright....

I went fishing over the weekend.

And?

And I caught a rainbow trout.

With these guys.

-Hot damn, son! It's hotter than dog shit on a skillet up in there!
-You said it, Bo. Darker than a coal miner's lunch box, too!

What else, Smiley. C'mon.

:gasp!: Oh sweet Jesus! I couldn't breathe in there!

What the hell, Smiley?

He kept bothering me, asking if I knew where the team prayer meetings were. So I grabbed him and said, "I got your prayer meeting right here!" I was gonna give him right back. Honest.

What else you got?

That's it, coach. I swear.

Say, uh, sorry to interrupt, Mr. Parcells. You know if anyone's seen Samkon Gado lately?

Gado? I thought we cut him, Jeff.

No, sir. He was supposed to report today to restructure his contract. But no one has seen or heard from him in like a week.

SMILE--Y!!

Oh yea. Sorry. Forgot.

This is not cool, my fiends! I am not to like being lodged inside a man's anus! It is not cool in the very least! I am to leave now! I am to leave and never come back! Merry New Year!

What?