MVN: Most Valuable Network

Weekender: Ahh, Bibiana

Have a great weekend, Nation. I leave you with Bibiana and Lilly. Make out! MAKE OUT!!! (Bigger pics and slide show here.)...

Picking First Sucks

Bill Parcells confirmed with the New York Daily News this week that he is, in fact, willing to trade out of the first overall pick. We all would like him to do this for a number of reasons -- mainly to get more picks so he can have more flexibility to fix our numerous problems. Also, because there isn't one player in this draft class that screams out must-draft-franchise-player. Chris Long, Jake Long, Matt Ryan, Glenn Dorsey, Vernon Gholston -- all the top prospects -- are great players. But they're not franchise changing, cornerstone players. They're the kind of players you would add to football team with a weakness or two. They're the kind of solid players you'd draft in the middle portion of the first round in any other year. But, of course, since the Dolphins hold the first overall pick this year and since God hates the...

The Fins Will Draft Matt Ryan. Maybe.

ESPN's Matt Mosley says that the Dolphins are going to draft DE Chris Long. Unless they draft QB Matt Ryan: "The Miami Dolphins are the most tight-lipped organization in football right now. Bill Parcells broke his silence to say a few words to New York Daily News columnist Gary Myers last week, but it wasn't anything particularly revealing. The Dolphins would prefer trading out of the pick, but they won't find a willing partner. I have Miami choosing Virginia defensive end Chris Long right now, but Boston College quarterback Matt Ryan is still a strong possibility. I think Ryan has the intangibles that Parcells is looking for, and it wouldn't be the first time the former head coach drafted a quarterback No. 1 overall (Drew Bledsoe).I'm told that Parcells has spent hours pouring over tape of Ryan and that he and GM Jeff Ireland have talked to pretty much...

Jason Taylor Is The Mambo King, Bitch

Jason Taylor once again kicked some dancy ass on Dancing With the Stars last night. He danced the Mambo and  impressed the judges with his nimble feet and devilish good looks. He also scored a 9 from all three judges! Tonight is double-elimination night. Two contestants will be gone by the end of the evening. Also gone: my dignity. Meanwhile, I just discovered that JT has his own blog on ESPN chronicling his adventures in dancing. It's pretty interesting stuff if you have nothing better to do. And by nothing better to do I mean shoving a plunger up some random person's ass or picking your toes. Here's an excerpt: "The only time I'd ever danced—before going on this show—I ended up in the hospital. I was doing the Michael Jackson dance from "Thriller" when I was 11, spun around and fell face-first on a speaker in my house....

2008 Dolphins Mock Draft

    I’ve been writing about the Dolphins draft in one form or another since 2005. More often than not, I have been right, they have been wrong. A quick re-cap: 2005: I said the Fins should draft Braylon Edwards. They took Ronnie Brown instead. Now, Edwards is blowing shit up in Cleveland while Brown is blowing up his knee and has yet to finish an entire season. 2006: I said the Fins should try to trade up for Jay Cutler. If not, then draft Antonio Cromartie. They took Jason Allen instead. Now, Cromartie holds the record for longest TD in NFL history, is a Pro Bowler and is generally regarded as one of the best corners in the NFL. Allen is, well, you know.... 2007: I said the Fins should draft either Patrick Willis or Brady Quinn. We all know what happened after that. So now, I’m calling...

Hey

Hey. Nothing much going on today. Hey. I'll just post some random SI Swimsuit pictures. Because what the hell, right? Hey. Did you know Elle Macpherson gave me my first real boner? I was 7. Hey. I'll be posting my first Fins mock draft tomorrow, so keep an eye out for that. And now the pics, as promised (click image for bigger view)....

Matt Ryan Threw Some Balls

Matt Ryan had his pro day yesterday in front of media and about 42 NFL personnel, scouts and GMs. Dolphins' director of college scouting Chris Grier and quarterbacks coach David Lee were in attendance. Ryan worked out at BC's biggest Pro Day ever, throwing to former teammates for a mini-combine of 42 scouts and other personnel evaluators from 22 NFL teams. He completed 48 of 52 passes -- three drops, one overthrown -- from three-, five- and seven step drops, from the pocket and on the run, throwing to both sides of the field. [Chiefs coach Herm] Edwards said it looked like Ryan was trying too hard early on, knowing that most of the scouts and reporters were there to see him. "That's what generally happens," Edwards said. "It puts a lot of pressure on the kids, and that's good, because the game they're going to play has pressure."...

Jason Taylor Wins Over Dancing Judges, My Heart

First of all, I promised myself that I’d only watch 20 minutes of the show to catch a glimpse of Jason Taylor dancing just so I can say that I watched him do this crap at least once. It would be my first and last time watching Jason Taylor frolic around in shiny pants. If anyone asked me prior to last night’s Dancing With the Stars season premiere what I thought JT’s chances at winning this thing were, I would’ve told them that Jason Taylor is half-man, half cyborg-- programmed to seek and destroy his foes and adversaries and, therefore, not at all programmed to dance in a totally non-destructive manner for cash and prizes. I would have told them that he’s out of his element – as opposed to his regular job description: rip quarterback a new asshole, go home, have a straight grain whiskey on the rocks....

JT Says He's Staying (and other crap)

Here's what happened over the weekend while you wondered why your Emperor's Club "order" was a no-show: Jason Taylor appears on satellite radio, says he's staying in Miami, walks off doing jazz handsTaylor told Sirius Satellite radio hosts Vic Carucci and Dan Leberfeld that Miami is where he wants to be. This has really become the most annoying story of the off-season. It's been a slow time for news and some are speculating that Bill Parcells is all pissy about JT's off-season shenanigans and will therefore trade him away because of his cavorting with fast dames on some god damned fruity television program. That'll show him! Look, this thing won't get resolved until either one of two things happen: A.) Jason Taylor gets traded or B.) Jason Taylor is in a Dolphins uniform on Opening Week in September. AND THAT'S IT! The media needs to seriously quit trying to...

Justin Smiley Has Something Up His Ass

Alright, Smiley. What you got? What do ya mean coach? Your ass is bigger than usual today. And if there's one thing I know, it's big asses. Oh that. Meh. I just been putting gravy on my porkchops lately. That's all. Really. Let's go Smiley. Out with it! :sigh: Fine. What the hell? That motherfucker's pullin stuff outta his ass! A Triple-A Card? In case I go for a ride with Channing Crowder. Christ. What else you got up there? C'mon! Alright... alright.... I went fishing over the weekend. And? And I caught a rainbow trout. With these guys. -Hot damn, son! It's hotter than dog shit on a skillet up in there!-You said it, Bo. Darker than a coal miner's lunch box, too! What else, Smiley. C'mon. :gasp!: Oh sweet Jesus! I couldn't breathe in there! What the hell, Smiley? He kept bothering me, asking if I knew...

The Dolphins Done Some Good

For the past decade or so, our Dolphins have managed to excel at the art of sucking ass. And not hot ass either. I'm talking rain forest baboon ass. So, as a result, most posts on this here blog mainly contain Dolphins news along with a few dick jokes. It numbs the pain. But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this: "Dolphins tackle Vernon Carey, ex-Dolphins fullback Rob Konrad... were the big-name winning bidders in the annual Make-A-Wish Ultimate Sports Auction on Tuesday night at the Broward County Convention Center... [the event] drew several prominent athletes, including Dolphins quarterback John Beck...The event raised $240,000 to grant wishes to children with life-threatening medical conditions. About 600 people attended the event, which was emceed by NBC and HBO sportscaster Bob Costas." All the money raised at the event went to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is very kick ass. So it's a...

Vernon Gholston to be Fins First Pick?

NFL Network insider and magical elf, Adam Schefter suggests that the Fins could be making my boy Vernon Gholston the first overall pick. "As much as Ohio State defensive end Vernon Gholston wowed scouts during his personal workout Friday, he did the same during private individual workouts Monday for the Miami Dolphins... Miami, which owns the No. 1 overall pick in April's draft, sent its defensive coordinator Paul Pasqualoni to Columbus to personally work out Gholston on Monday morning. Miami is scheduled to pick first overall. It has now become apparent that Gholston could become the top defensive player drafted, and is unlikely to slip much beyond the sixth overall pick. His talents are too immense; which are backed up by his production. Gholston has posted 22 ½ sacks combined over the last two season, more than any of the draft’s top-rated defensive players."NFL scouts have been wowed and...

Fins Now Lead League in Dudes Shot in the Ass

The Dolphins have signed former Cowboys safety Keith Davis. Davis adds depth to the secondary and will be competing with Yeremiah Bell, Jason Allen and Renaldo Hill for a starting spot (really, how hard can that be?). But Davis is primarily being brought here to fix our shitty special teams. A team captain last season in Dallas, Davis has a history of being solid in special teams. Davis also has a history of getting shot a bunch of times."He missed the entire 2003 season after suffering a gunshot wound to his hip and elbow while waiting to pick up a friend at a topless club...Davis was also shot in the head and thigh while driving down a Dallas highway in July 2006 as he was returning from a family vacation. The police described it as an attempted carjacking. None of the wounds were considered serious."Jesus, bullets just find this...

The Hobbit Has Gone North (and other crap)

Here's what happened over the weekend while 10,000 BC was hitting No. 1 at the box office, thus signaling the end of Western civilization as we know it: -- The Dolphins have just become 52% less ridiculous. Another face of the debacle that was the 2007 season has left us. Jesse Chatman has gone to the Jets. While Jesse did provide us with some comedic gold last season, he also represented everything that went wrong with the Fins in '07. The guy was our starting running back at one point for fucksake. I just threw up in my mouth. The Hobbit ends his days as a Dolphin with 515 yards and 1 touchdown. Now, he'll be eating whole turkeys and roaming the streets of New York looking for donuts in the city that never sleeps. I envy Jets bloggers. I really do. -- Justin Smiley was on 790 The...

Weekender: A QB For the Tuna?

No matter how many of Jesus' soldiers we have on board at quarterback, I really do think Parcells  & his Take No Shit Ass Kicking Badassery Marauders Brigade, LTD,  (or TNSAKB for short) are going to take a QB somewhere in April's draft. There was a big stink made last week about Parcells having requested all of Matt Ryan's college tapes. There have also been the constant talk of Parcells really liking Joe Flacco of Delaware. Both of those rumors could be complete bullshit, of course. But I still get the feeling that Tuna is not quite convinced The Mormon is the man for the job. It's not an indictment on John Beck as much as it's a symptom of how bad shit has gotten down here at the QB position since The Right Arm of God retired. A franchise will only be as good as its QB. With...

Jason Taylor Is My Friend. Maybe.

  Apparently, Jason Taylor has supposedly, maybe just set up a MySpace page to keep his fans abreast on his Dancing With the Stars venture. And look who he’s got as his number one friend! (after the official Dancing With the Stars page). Of course, this may not even be real. This could very well be a well orchestrated plot by some deviant who is trying to entice me into a MS chat room where he’ll make me e-mail him pictures of me in my swim trunks. Then exploit my weakness for Oreos and make me meet him at a motel where he will then show me the “Oreo” he has for me in his pants (U LV OREO? OMG ME 2! LOL). But I’ll bring Chris Hanson along, so it’s cool. Or maybe it’s real. Maybe Jason Taylor is a fan of FinsNation. No one in the blogosphere...

Boomer Grigsby Will Dance After He Crashes Your Mother’s Car Into a Pole, and you Will Like It

   Boomer Grigsby was signed by the Fins to mainly be a member of the special teams and to compete for the fullback position. But already he’s gaining cult status in Fins Nation. Grigsby is known as a guy who likes to smash shit with his head. He doesn’t want the football. He just wants to smash shit with his head. Put anything in his path: a nose tackle, a linebacker, a plate-glass window, a stack of watermelons, a brick wall, a World War II era army tank, what have you, and he’ll run at it at breakneck speed and ram himself into it head-first. He’s a fucking loon, this guy. And I’m absolutely loving him. But before you go dismissing Grigsby as some mindless nut running around, foaming at the mouth, eating his chinstrap, and defecating on some random cheerleader’s foot, there’s this: Grisby attended Harvard Business School....

What's Next

Some Fins fans are wondering if this is it. If Miami’s spending spree lasted one whole day and then ended when Calvin Pace decided to to sign with the Jets, pissing off some Jets players in the process. But there’s still plenty of time. The signing period for unrestricted free agents ends July 22nd. So the Fins could potentially sign more players according to what they do in the draft.  As of right now, here are some key players that are still out there that Parcells & his front office guys, also known as the Take No Shit Ass Kicking Badassery Marauders Brigade, LTD,  (or TNSAKB for short) can target: OT Kwame Harris (SF), OT Maurice Williams (Jacksonville), OG Jake Scott (Indianapolis), CB Benny Sapp (KC), S Eugene Wilson (NE), S Chris Crocker (Atlanta). Meanwhile, the Dolphins signed former Chiefs fullback and former 1802 bare-knuckle boxing champion Boomer Grisby...

Arrows Going Up

Analysts, former NFL general managers and other people who generally know what the fuck they're talking about, have been giving the Fins the thumbs up on their recent FA moves. Former Cleveland Browns scout and present ESPN.com analyst Matt Williams said this: ''They've done a tremendous job. They've added guys with their arrow going up.'' Williams was very critical of Miami's signing of J-Peezey last year. This year, he's pointing out the upturned arrows. Also, former Titans GM Floyd Reese said this about OG Justin Smiley: ''I like him -- tough guy, athletic, strong, very aggressive." And Doug Kretz of ESPN said Smiley is: ''Tenacious and smart." Floyd also said that DT Randy Starks is ''versatile, big and can play the run." Floyd drafted Starks when he was with Tennessee. Reese also mentioned that Starks can switch to DE in the 3-4 and be very effective in that scheme....

Where We're At

Okay, so here's where we're at. The Fins went absolutely apeshit on Friday signing free agents left and right. They've acquired nine in all so far: OG Justin Smiley, TE Sean Ryan, LB Reggie Torbor, NT Jason Ferguson (from Dallas), DT Randy Starks, WR Ernest Wilford, WR David Kircus, QB Josh McCown and LB Charlie Anderson. Whew! The signings have met with some mixed reviews among fans and certain parts of the media. And that's cool. Opinions matter. Opinions are good. And opinions are like gay cousins -- everyone has at least one. But I, for one, like what we're doing so far. The Dolphins are getting younger at key positions. True, none of us had ever heard of Sean Ryan before Friday. And we nearly started a PFT-style rumor that he's Matt Ryan's older brother in the comments. And it would've been fun to see some mainstream media...

Hells Bells, Mutha F****!

In case you missed it, Yeremiah Bell is back. Welcome back. Now just stay healthy. Muthafucka.   ...

Calvin Pace Will Break Windows With His Arm In New York

Calvin Pace, who smashed a window with his arm while playing grab-ass with some friends a couple of years ago, was waiting for Joey Porter money. And the Jets gave it to him. After being offered a contract by the Fins on Friday, Pace flew up to New York over the weekend to hear their sales pitch. In the end, it came down to who was going to give him the $20 million in guaranteed money. The Jets caved and offered Pace a whopping 6-year deal that will pay him $42 million, $22 million of it guaranteed. Holy fuck that's a lot of money for a guy who essentially has had one good season in a 4-year career. I'm relieved it wasn't us who ended up over paying for him. I wanted Pace to be a Dolphin -- but not for that kind of money. I'm glad our front...