FinsNation

Off Topic: Buzz Bissinger Is a Scrotum Faced Douche

I gotta say I agree with DRK. I’m glad I wasn’t on that panel last night. Because, unlike the great Will Leitch, I probably would have lunged at Buzz Bissinger and beaten the ever living shit out his scrotum-looking balding face (seriously, the guy’s face looks like a freshly waxed ballsack. Never thought I’d live to see that). I’d beat him up good and then shit in his mouth while he lay bleeding and unconscious.

How’s that for fucking clever writing, Buzz?

I think AJ Daulerio put it best: 

"[Blogging and mainstream journalism] are two entirely seperate media. Bloggers are not putting newspaper columnists (or print media) out of business — bad newspapering is. These two worlds don't have to co-exist and were never intended to be that way. To me, blogging and internet writing, by and large, is rooted in comedy and opinion. That's it. One doesn't invalidate the other."

That said, I give a hardy shout out to Miami New Times editor Chuck Strouse. For giving me some paid work to write my goofy shit and for recognizing that the voice of a fan is sometimes better than the voice of a dulled out, jaded, overweight (and sometimes balding testicle faced) sports reporter who has forgotten why he became a sports writer in the first place. Because sports is supposed to be fun.

Bissinger is a fine writer. I enjoyed Friday Night Lights very much. And I’m a believer that talent overcomes everything when you put that talent to use. So as frightened as he is that his way of reporting and writing may be dying out, I think his legacy is safe. Even though he just added to that legacy by showing what a complete dickbag of the highest order he is in front of millions of HBO viewers (like he did for us Boog Sciambi fans a while back. God I miss Boog).

Also, rumor has it, he likes to fuck horses.

And yea, I too have read WC Heinz, fucktard

Bill Parcells Will Never Kiss Jason Taylor

I didn't want to do it. But since I'm a Dolphins blogger, I am legally bound to comment on the whole Jason Taylor-Bill Parcells brouhaha. The story in a nutshell: JT stopped by to visit the team a few weeks ago. Everybody was all like, "Hey what up, JT! You look so gay on that dancing show! Hahaha!" And then JT walked into a room where coaches -- and Bill Parcells -- were watching game-film and JT was all, "Hey I hope you're not watching game tape of some defensive ends! LOL." And nobody responded and, reportedly Parcells looked over at JT and completely snubbed him. The end.

Now... Salguero is reporting that shit has hit the fan; fans are divided; bloggers are pissed; cats and dogs living together... mass hysteria!

Here's my take on this whole thing: If Jason wants to be traded, fine. I'm not mad at him. The guy gave his heart & soul to this team. He bled for this team. And he has never failed to give 100%. He sees the writing on the wall and he wants to leave our shitty team to try and play for a ring on a good team. That would suck. But I'm cool with it. He wants to dance on TV? That's also cool. On the other hand, you got Bill Parcells and his no-nonsense approach to building football teams. And he's none too happy that his team leader is prancing around on TV like some damn Nancy-boy. That's fine too.

Where I have a problem is with Parcells acting aloof with JT. And by "aloof" I mean like a total dick. If you're mad at a guy, let him know. Think he's twelve different shades of fruity because he dresses like a  member of the Village People and dances on TV? Tell him so. Mad because rather than rubbing up against a hot, sweaty chick every night on a dance floor, he should instead be running around with 350 pound smelly sweaty dudes instead? Fine. But say something. Don't completely ignore the guy like he's Timmy the Oily-Faced Intern. Don't be a douche. It's pretty goddam simple.

In the end, the biggest problem is that this whole sticky-wicket has lowered JT's trade value. Because everyone knows Bill Parcells hates him. Whatever offer we were getting from Tampa on draft day is going to be the highest offer we get. Now teams will balk at anything less than a 4th-round pick. Maybe someone will fold and offer us something higher, but it's doubtful. So now because Parcells and JT are all pissy with each other, we have to either swallow a 4th round pick or let JT retire and get nothing or hope he plays out his contract with us. It's a shitty situation and it's being handled poorly. I love me the Man-Boobs but he's blowing it if this is all true. Cam Cameron was rammed up the ass with a pickle jar (metaphorically speaking, of course) by fans when he failed to embrace JT and get his advice about the team. Now Parcells is doing something much worse, and people pass it over because, well, he's Bill Parcells and he's a winner so he's allowed to be an asshole.

Bill Parcells: He's a my-way-or-the-highway guy. Advantage? The Dolphins. But let's hope that this incident  doesn't actually come back to hurt the Fins.

Jason Taylor: He's a great player on the last leg of his career. Advantage? Whatever team he plays for.

And me: I use words like "sticky-wicket" to describe when two people are at odds with each other. Advantage? Anyone born in England in the early 1900s who knows what the fuck I'm talking about.

Jalen Parmele = Marion Barber

According to a rumor I just made up, top NFL personnel people are calling Jalen Parmele the next Marion Barber.

Jeff Ireland concurs.

The Dolphins Added a Bunch of Guys

The Dolphins have added eight college free agents. A quarter of them won't make the final roster but that's not gonna stop us from getting all excited about it anyway.

They signed Hawaii WR Davone Bess. I already compared my excitement over his signing with my excitement for a woman's ass (and linking to the world's greatest movie scene).

They also signed Georgia Southern QB Jayson Foster, who everyone seems to be excited about because he can play both quarterback and wide receiver! Yay! He's like Slash! Remember Slash!? Kordell Stewart! I remember Kordell Stewart! And that's why I'm not as excited as everyone else about this signing! But welcome aboard anyway, Jason!

Also signed: Portland State tackle Daren Heerspink, Delaware tackle Mike Byrne, Boise State tackle Dan Gore, Montana kicker Dan Carpenter, Maine tight end Matt Mulligan and BYU linebacker Mike Poppinga.

So there you go. Eight new Dolphins for our approval. But who gives a shit what you and I think. The real question is, does Mr. T approve?

Case closed.

Your Obligatory Dolphins Draft Grade

It seems that the Dolphins scored a pretty nice draft grade across the board from various experts yesterday. For example, the Star-Telegram called the Chiefs and the Dolphins the biggest winners of the draft and awarded them each the highest grades of all the NFL teams. And CBS.Sportsline gave the Fins an A.

Then there's Mel Kiper Jr. He too is a draft expert. Mainly because he says so. So we'd best listen up. Don't mess with Mel Kiper. He'll beat your ass if you get sassy with him. That Todd McShay is just begging to get the shit knocked out of him. Kiper gave the Fins a B. Then remembered that we drafted Chad Henne and downgraded it to a B-. Fuck him. Kiper criticized Henne's accuracy and immobility. And then said he liked Henne's toughness and intangibles. But gave the Fins a B- anyway.

Me? I rather like our draft class. It's not sexy like, say, a poolside margarita in a beachside resort. It's more workman, like a cup of coffee. Which can be sexy. After all, I do like my coffee like I like my women -- black. Or white. Plus two sugars is good too. The draft filled needs and plugged holes. Jake Long is a mountain of a man. And like my Boy Scouts scoutmaster always used to say, a mountain-man is just what you need to plug in holes. As for Henne, here's my take on him. I think he'll be a decent quarterback. I still like John Beck slightly better. But I guess we'll see how it all plays out.

As for which of our rookies have the best chance to start this season, I'll say it's a bit of a toss up. Right now vets Jason Ferguson and Randy Starks look to occupy the defensive line. You've also got Paul Soliai in the mix. Freshly drafted Kendall Langford has a good a shot as any among the rookies to get a starting nod. As does Phillip Merling, if he's cleared to play. On the O-line, you'll have Big Jake at left tackle, Vernon Carey at right and Justin Smiley and Samson Satele in the middle. Then it'll come down to rookies Shaun Murphy, Donald Thomas and Lionel Dotson battling against Ikechuku Ndukwe and Trey Darilek for the final guard spot. That's a Star Wars character and a guy whose name sounds like "derelict." On those two principles alone, my bet is on one of the rookies. Shaun Murphy most likely.

As for our new running backs, I like Jalen Parmele. He seems to have a Marion Barber vibe to him. Only because Bill Parcells drafted him. Meanwhile Lex Hilliard looks to be a fullback but will likely start as a seam-buster on special teams. Either way, it's going to be fun following the adventures of our crime fighting fullbacks Boomer & Lex!

So, all in a all, it's a draft that fills needs and, best of all, it's a draft that doesn't have me wanting to strangle the guys in charge. And that's always a good thing in my book.

Final Grade: B

Take that minus and shove it up your well-coiffed ass, Mel Kiper Jr!

Phillip Merling is a steal, thinks It's 2006

During Phillip Merling's conference call with the Miami media, he said that he's "going to a good team that's competitive." He also said of Bill Parcells: "I like that type of coach."

So either Phillip Merling thinks he's going to the Dallas Cowboys, and that this is 2006, or he just hasn't been paying attention.

All dickishness aside, a few words about our new defensive end: Phillip Merling may end up being the steal of the 2008 NFL Draft. Coming into the draft, he was called a mid-to-late first round pick. Some had him going to the Redskins, Buccaneers or 49ers in the first round. Merling's draft stock fell when he suffered a sports hernia injury, which in turn led to a craptastic combine. But he more than made up for it during his solid pro day workout on April 24th. Wait? Sports hernia? His testicles hurt? Maybe he did watch the 2007 Dolphins after all.

Even at 6-4, 275 lbs (and counting) Merling has great speed. He plays with an unrelenting motor and is powerful enough to shed multiple blockers. He's described as relentless and is very polished and well-coached. His technique is solid and he is extremely versatile. Merling's bulk, strength, long arms and overall quickness makes him a perfect fit for Miami's 3-4 defense. He can play both defensive end and outside linebacker. Merling was teammates at Clemson with DE Gaines Adams, the 4th overall pick of the 2007 Draft. While Merling is not as explosive as Adams, he is more versatile.

It's pretty clear the Dolphins had Merling in mind at 32 the whole time. It's very likely that once Florida's Derrick Harvey went to the Jaguars at 8th overall, Merling was next on Parcells' draft board. So thanks to a sports hernia and to teams who don't suck as much as we do, so they can't afford to take a guy who may not be ready by the start of the season, we were able to nab Merling with the 32nd pick. Merling may not be the next Jason Taylor in terms of being a game-changing player. But he doesn't need to be. He's a guy that will win Fins fans over with his relentless, never say die, don't stop beating the Bejesus out of the opposing running back until he hears the whistle, type of player. Versatile, powerful, all heart.

“I’m a physical player and the best thing about me is that I’m not limited to one thing,” said Merling. “I don’t think I’m an extreme pass rusher or an extreme run stopper. I think I’m balanced and I can do both.”

Phillip Merling is going to show us all what a steal he was. That is, once his abs, groin and balls stop hurting. But then it is so on.

Cobra Commander Approves the Dolphins Draft

I really like what the Dolphins did this year! Last year when they drafted Ted Ginn Jr. with the 9th overall pick, I did a spit take with my Miller Highlife. It was a little embarrassing, actually. But no one noticed. As you can see, I often wear a helmet with a faceguard. Plus I passed it off as sneezing so no one suspected anything. I quietly excused myself from the room and changed into my cowl while Destro and Zartan went to take a "look" at my new pool. Or so they say. Those assholes know fully well they were sneaking more peaks at the Baroness sunbathing. Meh, who can blame them? That bitch is high maintenance but damn, her tits are spectacular! Anyway, after changing into my cowl, I went outside and took my frustrations out by kicking a stray puppy. What? I'm Cobra Commander. I'm a megalomaniacal mad mad who displays a pathological tendency for violence and destruction whenever I am unhappy or dissatisfied in any way. Besides, I mean c'mon man, Ted fucking Ginn?  Are you shitting me? Anyway... I like what Bill Parcells and Jeff Ireland have done with this draft. Bill's building this team from the trenches. Our defense is suddenly younger and bigger. And what can I say about Jake Long? Dude's a mountain. A real cornerstone left tackle! We're going to pound the rock down people's throats. Anyway, yea, good draft all around. Cobraaaa!!!!!!

Aloha!

The Dolphins were still active even when the draft ended. They signed one of my favorite players from college last year -- Davone Bess from Hawaii. Bess had a sick season last year, catching passes like a madman for the Warriors as Colt Brennan's top target. He caught 108 passes for 1,266 yards and 12 touchdowns. Bess is a sharp route runner, he's quick, has great hands and is a tremendous athlete. He might project as a slot receiver in the NFL and can definitely help in special teams. I like this signing a lot. Know what else I like? A great ass. When I think of asses, a woman's ass... something comes over me!

Okay that's it.

All Right! That's It For Me!

Aaaaaaand, we're done. Well, that was fun. I'm all tapped out. Thanks for joining me, Nation. Thanks for the comments and the e-mails and the general all-around awesomeness that you always bring. Thanks also for making the last two days the most visited days of FinsNation's short history. You guys kick major ass. And that's way better than just regular ass. If you missed any of the draft, be sure to peruse the last five or six posts to get caught up with the whole shebang, or you can just visit the Draft Picks Page. I'll be back later to give my thoughts on the whole thing. But for now... I'm leaving on a high note!

Fourth - Seventh Rounds

We'll cover the rest of the day here.

Couple of thoughts from the third: The Giants get Mario Manningham, screwing up Parcells' plan to turn the Fins offense into the Miami Wolverines. Great pick for the G-Men. The whole "lying about smoking marijuana" thing is bullshit. The dude can play. So he likes to fire up a doob every once in while and then lies when asked about it at a job interview. Who among us can say we've never done that???

Also, the Pats draft QB Kevin O'Connell from San Diego State. Dammit! This kid is a really, really good quarterback. But what? Why would the Pats do this? Because, as I've been harping on for the last two months despite your angry, angry e-mails -- you can never have enough good quarterbacks on your roster (even when you have a future Hall of Famer like Tom Brady). See? I'm as smart as Bill Belichick! He's still a bigger dick than me, though.

Anyway... on to the rest of the rounds.

#115 110 Pick: OG Shaun Murphy, Utah St.

The Fins traded up to the 110 spot and got themselves another Mormon! They also seemed to have filled the much needed guard position. At 6-3, 330 pounds, Murphy is a former defensive end. He's known for having a great motor, has great quickness, intelligence and strength. He's powerful and athletic, which bodes well for our new-look O-line. He's also the son of former MVP major league baseball player Dale Murphy. And, as it is with every Mormon, he enters the NFL a little older than your everyday pro prospect. Oh Mormons! How you love your missions!

#176 Pick: RB Jalen Parmele, Toledo

I had a feeling the Fins would use this pick on a back. And no, it's not mike Hart. Parmele looks to fit very well on this roster. He's quick, runs a 4.47 40, is powerful, and tough to bring down. He can break tackles, is an excellent short-yardage guy and a very good blocker.

Continue Reading Fourth-Seventh Rounds >>