Entries from May 2008
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RIP Harvey Korman.Have a great weekend, Nation....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
For the most part, old people are deranged, constantly complain about the weather, and generally smell like boiled cabbage. They're also afraid of black people and have to pee like every 2 minutes, but that's neither here nor there.Don Shula is old. But at one time he was a strapping young man who led men to victory on the gridiron. He's the winningest coach in NFL history, the only coach to lead his team to a perfect season, coached in more Super Bowls than anyone else, and as Dolphins head coach, only experienced two losing seasons out of 26. And he did it all without the help of video tape! Because video tape hadn't been invented yet. But still. Suck on that, Bill Belichick! Shula was recently asked to...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
This just in: NFL team evaluators agree -- the Dolphins will suck even worse without Jason Taylor."Without Taylor, 'it's a hodgepodge of guys. You're used to a Bill Parcells team being competitive from the start, and I'm not sure how competitive they will be on defense,' one of the executives said, asserting Taylor's departure would leave Miami without any clearly above-average defensive players. The other personnel chief said Miami would be left `with a below-average defense, with holes you can exploit.' ''There are a lot of experts out there. But there is one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine. Jalepeno poppers should be eaten not just as an appetizer but as a main course too. Captain James T. Kirk can totally kick Aquaman's ass.Scarlett Johansson's tits are...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Jason Taylor is coming home to SoFla to attend his charity golf tournament, which takes place during team voluntary OTA's. So does he intend on getting back to work with the Dolphins? Depends on whose interpretation you choose to believe.The Sun-Sentinel says JT "doesn't sound as if he's planning a training camp holdout as coach Tony Sparano indicated last week." The Miami Herald disagrees and interprets it as Taylor "doesn't sound like he's in any rush to settle his stalemate with the Dolphins." The Palm Beach Post took the safe route and says that JT is playing "coy about his football plans." Pussies. Hold on. Before I type another sentence, I have to consult my Magic 8-Ball about something…. Waiting.....waiting..... yup, this story is still annoying....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The Sun-Sentinel's Omar Kelly lists the Dolphins' defense's roster comparisons from last year to this year. I've received a few e-mails asking me to do this as well. But when I sat down and started Googling the stats for research, I accidentally stumbled onto a website with naked ladies with big tits, so I looked at that all day instead. True story....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Last week, Dolphins cornerback Will Allen pulled a gun on a guy at a Bed, Bath & Beyond parking lot. Today the Palm Beach Post is reporting that the NFL is looking into the incident and that they've had their eye on Allen way before this happened. "The NFL had been alerted when a suspicious Detroit bank told the league of Allen's involvement in a large amount of money being wired to South Florida, the source said. The Davie Police Department still is investigating the confrontation. The alleged victim said the argument was over money loaned to Allen to cover gambling debts; Allen contends the money was for an investment."The report also says that even if Allen is not charged with a crime, he might still face the wrath...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The Palm Beach post does a nice job breaking down the Dolphins' secondary. If you've been following the off-season shenanigans, then you know that the Fins now have like 187 players on the roster who will be competing for starting DB slots during camp. This is important, seeing that last season the unit was completely cursed with blown knees, bad ankles, torn Achilles tendons and a serious bout of The Suck. "Cornerback Will Allen was the only member of the secondary to start all 16 games last year.... Since the season ended, Miami’s new front office whacked five defensive backs, four of whom (Jereme Perry, Lance Schulters, Travares Tillman, Cameron Worrell) started at least one game." Shit. Looks like Tom Brady and Randy Moss will continue to shatter records...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
According to something called the Florida Times-Union, Bill Parcells is reportedly asking for a first-round pick for Jason Taylor."Parcells is unhappy that Taylor is skipping the offseason program to, among other things, perform on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. And even though Taylor likely will retire before the Dolphins become a contender, Parcells won't trade him unless he receives a first-round pick. Nobody is going to give up a first-round pick for a 34-year-old defensive lineman. So Parcells' stance is that Taylor will play for the Dolphins or retire."A first-round pick, you say? Mind you that the column sites no sources and quotes no one in the Dolphins' front office, yet this is printed as fact anyway. My theory is that what this Florida Times-Union article presupposes is that...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Shocking news out of Jacksonville: Cleo Lemon still sucks....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
As you may or may not have noticed, there's a banner ad to the left of this here post. Which should prompt one to ask the question, "Has the Dude sold out and become a corporate whore?" In which my reply would be, "Yes, indubitably. Next question."Thanks to a fast growing readership, people's love for the Miami Dolphins, and a fair share of pictures of tits and ass, we at FN are now able to dabble in the flesh sponsored ad trade. So expect to see more of these things popping up here and there throughout the site in the coming months. And please do me a personal favor and click on the damn thing once in a while. It makes the sponsors happy, it gives you a chance to...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Happy Memorial Day, Nation. Grill it up, eat it up, get shitfaced. But don't forget to remember.As it is every Memorial Day, FN will be watching the badassary that is The Dirty Dozen. To honor the badasses that fight and die for our freedom. And because it's chock-full-o' the awesome. See you tomorrow. ...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Too busy today! Too busy! No time to post! No time! For long sentences!Instead! lol OTA's to lighten shit up round here. Too much tension lately!And....!Too busy!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Yes, the Jason Taylor situation blows. Blows hard. And not in a good way. And as expected, lots and lots of Dolphins fans are going totally batshit. They're lighting Molotov cocktails, throwing chairs out of windows, starting bar fights, incoherently shouting obscenities at each other in Portuguese, jumping off of roof tops, pissing on electrical fences, shoving their cocks into random mailslots and saying, "I got yer package right 'ere!", riding off on the women and raping the horses. It's madness!!!!But before we all burn down the city of Miami -- even those of us who don't actually live here -- let's sit back and think through some things.From the outset, it sounds like JT came out and demanded a trade by threatening to skip mandatory mini-camps. What a...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
It appears that Jason Taylor and Bill Parcells are indeed headed for a divorce. News reports are coming out everywhere that JT has told the Fins that he won't be attending any of Miami's training camps this summer. Asked about it today, head coach Tony Sparano said, "I know that Jason is not going to be at any OTA's. I know that Jason will not be at any minicamps. I know that right now Jason is not going to be at training camp. That's what we know. Jason is a player under contract with the Miami Dolphins. He knows that. Both parties are well aware of the information. That's all I'm going to say about it....I'm not going to talk about another thing about Jason."The question now becomes who...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
My man Omar Kelly from the Sun-Sentinel has today's OTA report.Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams took some carries with the first-team and all indications are that both are ahead of schedule to get back on the field in full badass form. This is quite possibly the best news I've heard all off-season. It's important these guys get their reps in and get their bodies back in tune for maximum badass impact once the season starts. If Ronnie and Ricky can comeback at full strength, holeeeyyy shit are they going to be a serious backfield duo.Meanwhile, as reported here yesterday, Jason Taylor was the only player not in attendance. He is, however, expected to join the team during the June 6-8 minicamp. Taking his place at starting outside linebacker was...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
JT was able to climb out of the three-hole he put himself in on Monday night, and finally scored a perfect 30 from the Dancing With the Stars judges. Sadly, it wasn't enough to beat heavily favored Kristi Yamaguchi, who ended up taking home the Crystal Dildo Mirror Ball with her dance partner Mark Ballsass Ballas. So the bad news is JT lost.The good news is I'll never have to watch that shitshow ever again.But I applaud JT for taking it as far as he did.And yea, good idea bringing a gold metal winning ice skater into a dance competition. I think for the next Survivor, they should have the contestants on the island go up against a pack of hyenas and tigers with only their cunning and a box...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
JT stiff-arming a guy who'll be at Dolphins mini-camp this weekendSo it appears that today's big story is that Jason Taylor won't be attending this weekend's voluntary mini-camp. ::SPIT-TAKE:: Whaaa???!!Nooo!!! God forbid JT doesn't show up to run in circles for two hours, take a water break, run around some orange cones strategically placed on the ground in the shape of a big 'Z', take a water break, and then run in more circles!! Thats! Just! Wrong! Let's all cross our arms and furrow our brows in disgust that JT is not coming to these voluntary mini-camps. Our pissy disposition let's him know we mean business. The only way we're going to turn this thing around from a 1-15 team to, say, a 3-13 team, is by being really,...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
After 10 weeks of fierce competition, and all out maximum effort, it all came down to last night's final dance-off. And Jason Taylor placed third out of a possible three. While the winner will ultimately be decided by fan votes tonight, it's pretty evident that JT will have to pull off a miracle to win the competition. After all the weeks of kicking ass and taking names, it looks like JT picked the wrong week to falter. [Taylor] clearly struggled, especially with that limp, muscled arm of his, and only received 24 out of a possible 30 points. Not the kind of marks you want in an all-or-nothing finale. [...] when the night was done, Jason finished with 51 points. Kristi ruled with a perfect 60 and Cristian came...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Sure the Fins killed all the suspense of the NFL Draft by signing Jake Long days before the big day. But it was a masterful move, ensuring that the number one overall-pick was in camp on time and not playing the Jason Allen I'll Show Up When I Get Paid Even Though I Suck card. It ensured that the top rookie was in camp, learning the plays, earning his pay and suffering through swamp ass in the South Florida heat with the rest of his teammates. And oh by the way, the Fins are the only NFL team who've signed their rookies. So while the Pats are dealing with the endless charade of Spy Gate and Marvin Harrison is going around shooting people, and Tony Romo is tea-bagging Jessica...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Well, tonight's the night. The Dancing With the Stars finale. No holds barred! Winner take all! Take no prisoners! Thunderdome! Weeee!! And while JT prepares for his date with sequins-destiny, yet another report has surfaced that says he's upset that he hasn't heard from Parcells or Ireland:Taylor’s unhappy about the silent treatment from new football czar Bill Parcells and new general manager Jeff Ireland, who are displeased that (Dancing With the Stars) kept Taylor from offseason workouts with his teammates. “I’ve talked to Parcells and Jeff Ireland probably less than a minute each,”Taylor said. “If you’re working in an organization, you want to have respect and communication throughout. I think that’s important for everybody. So we’ll see.”And there's also the latest ESPN Sunday Conversation with Taylor where he sort...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
No offensive line is complete without a dude who likes to roam the woods and shoot at shit. But that's just what the Dolphins O-line will be getting when they sign former Texans center Steve McKinney later this week. Steve is the older brother of former Dolphins guard Seth McKinney. Steve can play both center and left guard, which means Justin Smiley can play right guard, where he is better suited. Steve is coming off a knee injury after tearing his left ACL, forcing him to miss most of the 2007 season. You'd think that signing a guy who is 32 and coming off a major knee injury would be a problem. You'd think that, and you'd be wrong. Because above all else, Steve likes to hunt deer with...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
You guys made my month last week with your overwhelming kick-ass responses to my re-name Hotshot post. I loved all your suggestions and laughed my ass off with every comment. Ultimately, the winner was a mix between commenters mc13 and Phranchise's suggestions of "Clappy" and "Blueballs." The new name: Clappy McBlueballs! The prize: My ever lasting respect. And if we ever meet, the beers are on me. So yea. Don't fuck with The FinsNation Army! You guys rock. And always remember what Clappy McBlueballs! says: "Hey kids! When you meet a strange lady and she says she wants to rock, remember your poor pal Clappy and don't forget your cock sock! So long!" Have a great weekend, Nation. See you Monday. PS: The Dolphins waived last year's sixth-round pick,...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The always excellent Omar Kelly over at The Sun Sentinel lists his top 10 off-season additions by Bill Parcells & His Merry Cockpunchers. Some names that caught my eye from his list: Akin Ayodele, whom Omar calls "the most knowledgeable defender when it comes to understanding the defense the new coaching staff will be implementing." Unless Channing Crowder crashes his car into a tree again and flees to Costa Rica, the job should still be his. But Ayodele will give him a run for his money. Omar also lists safety Chris Crocker saying Crocker is a player "who has exhibited a nose for making plays (seven interceptions and 27 pass deflections) in his five previous seasons." As some of you may know, Crocker shares his name with this guy....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Looks like Ricky Williams and Bill Parcells have started things off on the right foot. And Parcells has already told Ricky that he's going to be Ronnie (Black Thunder) Brown's backup.Williams said he felt he was the kind of hard-working player Parcells likes. But Williams worried his reputation for off-the-field problems had preceded him. Instead, Williams said Parcells told him he’d share carries this season with Ronnie Brown. “I was expecting him not to talk to me at all,” Williams told The Statesman. “I was expecting to get a letter in the mail saying I was going to be a free agent. “I like (Parcells) more than I thought I would.” This is good because Ricky is a solid football player as well as a fine purveyor of "Fuck...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Jason Taylor has made the final round of Dancing With the Stars. I know this because I can read. No so much because I watched last night's show. Because I didn't. I pretty much stopped watching after the third episode. Clearly my threshold for shitty television was not as strong as I originally thought. But, yea, JT has a chance to actually win this thing. And I'm rooting for him. Because why the hell not? It's May. If JT were down here instead of on Dancing With Some Chick With a Sweet Ass, how would that change things? How many more wins would that bring us in 2008? How much closer would it get us to the playoffs? As far as I'm concerned, the Fins blew their chance at...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Okay, a vote by a show of hands... --Who wants to see a photo shoot video of FinsNation's Official Girl, Bibiana? --Who wants to read about Jason Taylor and his latest performance on Dancing With the Stars? Yea, that's what I thought. And to the homo who voted for JT, here. Otherwise, enjoy.......
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
I'm gonna run you guys til you puke godammit! Now give me thirty more laps! I'll be watching from here while I eat my roast beef sandwich. I'm gonna have you all in tip top sha... .... mmmmmmmm ..... roast beef .........
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Well, I've finally gone and pissed off the wrong people. Jets fans? No. Mormons? Nope. Scientologists? Wrong again. Fans of Miami's pro soccer team and their mascot? Why, yes! Wait! Miami has a pro soccer team? Whaaa???? Yes and yes. It seems they didn't take kindly to any of the two or three articles I wrote about the Miami FC Blues soccer club for the Miami New Times. As you can probably guess, I wrote some snarky shit about them because, well, I'm an asshole. Also because, c'mon, how could I not? It's my duty as an American to rip a team that features washed up MLS players, calls itself the Blues, holds their home games in a public park where most people go to fly kites, feed...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
For decades the Miami Dolphins have had a running blood feud with AFC East rivals Buffalo Bills. But now, it seems we have a common enemy. No, not the Patriots. Not even the Jets. It's those damn dirty Canadians! You heard right. Canadians. Canada is right on top of us on the map. Guess that makes them our asshats. With their menacing maple leaf flag, their gay horse riding cops and this thing they call "Hockey," they're poised to take over our very precious way of life. Namely, watching football while eating a big ass cheeseburger with onion rings and barbecue sauce. Oh sure, they may seem polite, even cordial. But don't be fooled. They're all kinds of backwards up there. From speaking French to playing football on 110...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Unless you want to read a riveting story on why Josh McCown thinks he'll suck less in Miami than he did in Arizona, Detroit or Oakland, there's not much going on in the news for the Fins. So, with time and space to kill, we present to you a special news brief along with some commentary that is sure to piss some people off and earn us a lot of angry e-mails. But what the hell. Here goes: Your Miami Dolphins are now the all-time league leaders in Mormons! We currently have six Latter Day Saints on our roster. Here's your Miami Dolphin LDS breakdown (feel free to consult this list when you have your All Religion Fantasy Football league draft): QB John Beck: The original baby! He is...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
pic taken from the greatness that is The Sports Hernia When Jason Taylor finishes his Dancing With the Stars gig, he'll jump on a plane and head straight for .... Des Moines? Yup. Instead of joining the team for training camp in late May when DWTS ends, JT will be heading to Iowa for a charity golf tournament. Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor will play in the pro-am event at The Principal Charity Classic May 28 at Glen Oaks Country Club. Other celebrities scheduled to appear in the event include Iowa State wrestling coach Cael Sanderson, athletic directors Gary Barta and Jamie Pollard, Bobby Hansen and Tom Davis. Actor Ron Livingston...I hate Jason Taylor. Not because he's neglecting his duties with the Miami Dolphins. But because he gets...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Sup. Steve Fifita here to tell you how you can become an NFL Pro Bowler. I've never been there myself, but take it from me. I know. And knowing is half the battle 'n shit. First, eat a lot of honey glazed hams. Not so much because they help you become a better football player in as much as they're just delicious. Then, run 5.15 seconds in the 40 yard dash. That's most likely due to the ham so don't worry about it. Nothing a good long shit can't take care of. Then, sign with the Miami Dolphins as an undrafted free agent. Then, get waived. Eat more ham. Try out with another NFL team like the Vikings or some shit. It doesn't matter because the Dolphins will re-sign...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
We now turn your attention to Dan Le Batard's latest column in the Herald. And the subject is ... sigh ... the Jason Taylor-Bill Parcells feud. Parcells would like his star lifting weights here. Instead, his star is being named one of People magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People there. Parcells would like his star leading his teammates here. Instead, his star is huddling on TV with Jay Leno there. Parcells wants Taylor in pads, not wardrobe. It is old school versus new school. Caveman versus chameleon. Dictator versus dancer. And 20 million people can tune in every week to see why the tension keeps growing, step by step.I think the proper response here is to go ahead and slam your head against a wall as hard as you can....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Google Image search for 'Abe Wright' produces pic of Enos from Dukes of Hazard, no pics of Abe Wright The Dolphins made some roster moves today. Most notably, they released linebacker Abraham Wright and signed rookies linebacker Keith Saunders and cornerback Scorpio Babers. So to recap, they cut a guy whom we all probably thought was a good draft pick last year and signed a Spider-Man villain....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The BIG news of the day is the special weekend gathering of.... The Sweaty Ass-Crack Club? The Swamp Pit Society? The Merciless Bullying of 22 Year Olds Trying To Land a Job On A Football Team By Making Them Run In The South Florida Sun Until There Is Complete Internal Organ Shut Down Association? No! Not really. It's actually..... ROOKIE MINI CAMP!!!!! And ALL the papers have you covered: The Herald: Jake Long is confident he improved during the three days of camp. "I got better," he said. He will return to South Florida May 16 and get settled, and hopefully start to get acclimated with the heat. The Sentinel: Chad Henne struggled on Sunday. His passes were off the mark on a number of reps, but it's hard...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
It's been an eventful week, Nation. The draft came and went, Parcells and JT feuded, the Fins signed and fired some people and Buzz Bissinger jumped all over our boy Will Leitch because he's just so angry that blogs are here to blow up the world. He just doesn't get the bloggy goodness that is blogs. Anyway, Buzz, just remember that there are more important things to get outraged over in this world of ours, you self-important horse humping, man-sack looking douche! Hope that puts it all into perspective. Also, thanks for the e-mails and comments this week with all the compliments. You guys have been stroking my ego way too much. But I... I like it. I like it a lot. Not it a gay way,...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Sure I may have ripped into Bill Parcells for acting like a douche towards Jason Taylor and for failing to act like a decent human being towards another human being. All that aside, I love the shit out of this boobilicious bastard! In his most recent act of cleaning house, Parcells has fired three of Nick Saban's scouts. That's right. Three men who were largely responsible for turds-in-helmets like Jason Allen, Anthony Alabi and Derek Hagan have been canned. Or as Parcells most likely calls it ... they've been Cockpunched. And Parcells has done a lot of cockpunching since arriving into town. The Tuna has been more than thorough in not only cleaning the stench of past regimes, but of firmly putting the Parcells Stamp of Badassery on everything...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Sports Illustrated's Don Banks lists 12 depth-chart competitions to keep an eye on this summer. The Dolphins make the list at No. 4 with the quarterback battle between John Beck, Josh McCown and Chad Henne:Miami quarterback, Chad Henne vs. John Beck and Josh McCown -- Henne has always been a fast learner and most observers believe he'll be the Dolphins' guy before Halloween rolls around. Miami's second-round pick started his first game as a true freshman at Michigan and won't find the NFL stage too big for him. That said, the veteran McCown, playing for his fourth team, probably will run the offense better than anyone in the preseason and earn the opening day starting job. As for Beck, Miami's second-round pick in 2007, Bill Parcells is said to...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Sports Illustrated's Bucky Brooks lists ten rookies poised to make an impact this season. On the list is our very own number one-overall pick, Jake Long:Jake Long, OT, Miami: Bill Parcells handpicked Long to be the cornerstone of the Dolphins offense, and his ability to pave the way for Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown will help Tony Sparano establish a smash-mouth identity for the team. No one expected the Dolphins to start the Parcells' era with an offensive player, but Long will anchor an offensive line that will attempt to maul defenses at the point of attack.Fuck yea! I love that last line: "Long will anchor an offensive line that will attempt to maul defenses at the point of attack." It's like our O-line is now made up of...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
ESPN & Scouts Inc's Todd McShay posted his first 2009 NFL mock draft yesterday, which is both awesome and not very good. Not only is it as ridiculous as me saying I know exactly what you're going to eat for breakfast on October 25th, 2024* But it also has a strange indefinable lure to it. It's kinda seductive, that link. Should I take a look? No, it's stupid! The draft just ended and it's silly. But, really, what's the harm? Oh okay. No, don't do it! But I want to know what he thinks the Dolphins will do! Oh... Oh.... Fine. Look. But don't tell anybody.... Anyway, he has the Dolphins picking 4th. And at 4, he has them taking DT Al Woods out of LSU. But fuck that...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Monday, 7:51 AM. A train station somewhere in Amsterdam. (Later that day, Big JT will ponder AA. But he knows he's only kidding himself)...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
