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Weekender: RIP Harvey Korman

RIP Harvey Korman.

Have a great weekend, Nation.

Don Shula Keepin It Real

For the most part, old people are deranged, constantly complain about the weather, and generally smell like boiled cabbage. They're also afraid of black people and have to pee like every 2 minutes, but that's neither here nor there.

Don Shula is old. But at one time he was a strapping young man who led men to victory on the gridiron. He's the winningest coach in NFL history, the only coach to lead his team to a perfect season, coached in more Super Bowls than anyone else, and as Dolphins head coach, only experienced two losing seasons out of 26. And he did it all without the help of video tape! Because video tape hadn't been invented yet. But still. Suck on that, Bill Belichick!

Shula was recently asked to chime in on the Dolphins on some ESPN radio show. And he did what all old people do. He fell asleep. When they nudged him awake, he laid out the truth:

"All you’ve got to do is look at the record, there’s nothing to tip-toe around. You just see what happened, and it’s just been a downward spiral. They just haven’t made many right moves. Hopefully now it can get turned around after the embarrassment of last year. 1-15, and it could have very easily been 0-16."

Ka-Pow! Cockpunch, served up ice cold by Don Shula.

Inevitably, the questions turned to the Jason Taylor situation:

"He’s getting near the end of his career. I really enjoyed watching him compete and I know that the guy’s just a fantastic athlete. He’s been a great player for the Dolphins, along with Zach Thomas … they’ve been great players in the years since I left the Dolphins. I’ve followed their careers. I just hope that Jason should be remembered for the great things he’s done for the Dolphins."

Asked if he was ever OK with a player missing something they shouldn’t have missed:

"I don’t remember a player not showing up when he was supposed to be there. I don’t know what Jason has missed, what has he missed?"

Sounds like Shula is exploiting his oldness by conveniently mis-remembering. Well played, old man. No matter. Shula is King Kong around here. So he can say whatever he wants. Besides, Shula's right. Because he's Don Shula. And also because, well, he's right. The Four Horsemen of the Crapocalypse are to blame for our misery and embarrassment. When Shula was in charge, it was awesomeness all around! Champagne flowed like the Nile river! The sun shined even on the darkest day! The air smelled dewy sweet! Free hookers for all season ticket holders! It was Valhalla! Now, it's just one continuous shit pie in the face after another.

And so, just like the rest of us, Shula is left to just shake his head and mourn the sad truth about how far this team has fallen. Unlike the rest of us, he has a full day, so he has to get going. Jazzersize, a trip to the store to steal some batteries, a nap and then dinner at 5:30. The Dolphins suck, but a man's gotta live his life.

JT Fills Holes That Can Otherwise Be Exploited

This just in: NFL team evaluators agree -- the Dolphins will suck even worse without Jason Taylor.

"Without Taylor, 'it's a hodgepodge of guys. You're used to a Bill Parcells team being competitive from the start, and I'm not sure how competitive they will be on defense,' one of the executives said, asserting Taylor's departure would leave Miami without any clearly above-average defensive players. The other personnel chief said Miami would be left `with a below-average defense, with holes you can exploit.' ''

There are a lot of experts out there. But there is one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine.

Jalepeno poppers should be eaten not just as an appetizer but as a main course too.

Captain James T. Kirk can totally kick Aquaman's ass.

Scarlett Johansson's tits are spectacular.

See? I pull no punches.

Jason Taylor, Jason Taylor, Jason Taylor

Jason Taylor is coming home to SoFla to attend his charity golf tournament, which takes place during team voluntary OTA's. So does he intend on getting back to work with the Dolphins? Depends on whose interpretation you choose to believe.

The Sun-Sentinel says JT "doesn't sound as if he's planning a training camp holdout as coach Tony Sparano indicated last week." The Miami Herald disagrees and interprets it as Taylor "doesn't sound like he's in any rush to settle his stalemate with the Dolphins." The Palm Beach Post took the safe route and says that JT is playing "coy about his football plans." Pussies.

Hold on. Before I type another sentence, I have to consult my Magic 8-Ball about something….

Waiting.....waiting..... yup, this story is still annoying.

How Does Last Year's Craptastic Fins Compare To This Year's?

The Sun-Sentinel's Omar Kelly lists the Dolphins' defense's roster comparisons from last year to this year.

I've received a few e-mails asking me to do this as well. But when I sat down and started Googling the stats for research, I accidentally stumbled onto a website with naked ladies with big tits, so I looked at that all day instead. True story.

Will Allen Could Be In Trouble

Last week, Dolphins cornerback Will Allen pulled a gun on a guy at a Bed, Bath & Beyond parking lot. Today the Palm Beach Post is reporting that the NFL is looking into the incident and that they've had their eye on Allen way before this happened.

"The NFL had been alerted when a suspicious Detroit bank told the league of Allen's involvement in a large amount of money being wired to South Florida, the source said. The Davie Police Department still is investigating the confrontation. The alleged victim said the argument was over money loaned to Allen to cover gambling debts; Allen contends the money was for an investment."

The report also says that even if Allen is not charged with a crime, he might still face the wrath of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell if the league determines his debts were from gambling.

" 'Any such conduct may result in severe penalties, up to and including a fine and/or suspension from the NFL for life,' the NFL gambling policy states."

Which means unless Will Allen hires Jackie Chiles to be his lawyer, he could very well be in some trouble. Unless Allen can somehow convince Roger Goodell that he's actually Bill Belichick. Evidently, that's the only way anyone can get out of trouble with Goodell. Convince him you're Bill Belichick. Otherwise, you're probably fucked.

The Secondary is Still a Bit Fuzzy

The Palm Beach post does a nice job breaking down the Dolphins' secondary. If you've been following the off-season shenanigans, then you know that the Fins now have like 187 players on the roster who will be competing for starting DB slots during camp. This is important, seeing that last season the unit was completely cursed with blown knees, bad ankles, torn Achilles tendons and a serious bout of The Suck.

"Cornerback Will Allen was the only member of the secondary to start all 16 games last year.... Since the season ended, Miami’s new front office whacked five defensive backs, four of whom (Jereme Perry, Lance Schulters, Travares Tillman, Cameron Worrell) started at least one game."

Shit. Looks like Tom Brady and Randy Moss will continue to shatter records at our expense. Mainly because the fate of our season will once again be in the hands of guys like Jason Allen and Travis Daniels. If you could get an X-ray of Jason Allen's brain, instead of a cheetah with goggles, a leather jacket and a pair of sneakers with wings on them, you'd see a sad donkey with it's shoulders slumped because the crafty three-legged kitty got away with his lollipop again. :(

Parcells Asking for a First-Round Pick for JT?

According to something called the Florida Times-Union, Bill Parcells is reportedly asking for a first-round pick for Jason Taylor.

"Parcells is unhappy that Taylor is skipping the offseason program to, among other things, perform on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. And even though Taylor likely will retire before the Dolphins become a contender, Parcells won't trade him unless he receives a first-round pick. Nobody is going to give up a first-round pick for a 34-year-old defensive lineman. So Parcells' stance is that Taylor will play for the Dolphins or retire."

A first-round pick, you say? Mind you that the column sites no sources and quotes no one in the Dolphins' front office, yet this is printed as fact anyway. My theory is that what this Florida Times-Union article presupposes is that you're a fucking moron. I defy you to come up with a better explanation.

I should have quit you, long time ago...

Shocking news out of Jacksonville: Cleo Lemon still sucks.

Site News

As you may or may not have noticed, there's a banner ad to the left of this here post. Which should prompt one to ask the question, "Has the Dude sold out and become a corporate whore?" In which my reply would be, "Yes, indubitably. Next question."

Thanks to a fast growing readership, people's love for the Miami Dolphins, and a fair share of pictures of tits and ass, we at FN are now able to dabble in the flesh sponsored ad trade. So expect to see more of these things popping up here and there throughout the site in the coming months. And please do me a personal favor and click on the damn thing once in a while. It makes the sponsors happy, it gives you a chance to view some fine products, and it puts money in my pocket. But more importantly, it puts money in my pocket. Hey, everyone has the right to get paid for writing dick jokes and posting pictures of boobies. It's the American way!

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-The Dude