Weekender: My Mortal Enemy is a Guy in a Bird Costume!

 

Well, I've finally gone and pissed off the wrong people. Jets fans? No. Mormons? Nope. Scientologists? Wrong again. Fans of Miami's pro soccer team and their mascot? Why, yes! Wait! Miami has a pro soccer team? Whaaa????

Yes and yes. It seems they didn't take kindly to any of the two or three articles I wrote about the Miami FC Blues soccer club for the Miami New Times. As you can probably guess, I wrote some snarky shit about them because, well, I'm an asshole. Also because, c'mon, how could I not? It's my duty as an American to rip a team that features washed up MLS players, calls itself the Blues, holds their home games in a public park where most people go to fly kites, feed ducks and make out on park benches, and have a mascot that likes to make glory-hole posters. I calculated the odds of something being so perfectly set up to be made fun of. Mathematically, I had to do it.

So, here's what the the team's fan club president wrote on their website:

Chris Joseph is a sports writer for the Miami New Times who ... made disparaging comments about our supporting staff  saying, "the team does have a four-girl cheerleading squad and features a mascot that looks like Woody Woodpecker on HGH"... Joseph makes the borderline witty comment "Miami FC Blues are still very much a part of the South Florida sports scene — in that they suck"... Then, like a member of Al Qaida at a U.S. Army recruiting booth, provided time, date and location for the game this weekend against Carolina... If I were a lesser man I'd tell you to go "@#%” yourself…Go "@#%" yourself! Let's get together and find out this guys e-mail address so we can share our thoughts on his ignorant comments.

He eventually posted my e-mail and MySpace address for the fans to send me e-mails and tell me how they're not going to take this lying down dammit!!! So far, I've received a whopping one e-mail. Power to the people!!

Anyway, it's all good. Sure they posted my personal e-mail and compared me to a terrorist network. But hey, when a writer's level of nastiness is calling a guy in a bird suit "Woody Woodpecker on HGH," then, yes, he's definitely in league with murdering religious extremists. Now, I can fight back. I happen to have this fan club president's name and e-mail and I can have you, Fins Nation Army, send him angry e-mails. After all, I'm sure the over 2,000 loyal visitors I get here can find the time to write a quick e-mail for me. But I won't. Because I'm not a douche.

Instead, I'll ask you, FN, to re-name the Miami FC mascot, Hotshot, in the comments. Hotshot doesn't quite cut it and Woody Wood Pecker on HGH doesn't seem to work for them.... so, have at it. Give this pecker a new name...

Comments

[Coral Gables Dave]

We have a pro soccer team in Miami?

Seriously, this is the first time I’m hearing this.

[rojowill]

Hot Shot is too ambiguous. They should just come out and call him Cum On Face already!

[Ang]

Woody Bonds-Clemens

[Mooch]

Hardy the Giant Circumcised Penis?

[Glenn from BC]

Hot Shot does sound like a name for a gay porno actor. And Dude, pissing off a team that has a club membership of probably 3 people is nothing to be proud of. Aim higher! Bash Billy the Marlin more! He's at least worth it...

[Tick]

Congrats Dude. You've riled up the fan club and mascot for a "pro" team that plays their games on a football/track&field/soccer hybrid field.

Pathetic (not you. them.)

[Komodo]

E.L. Fudge Pecker

Love the blog Dude!!!

[mc13]

He’s not only the Miami FC mascot. He’s the mascot for venereal diseases, Clappy! The red head represents the fiery pain you get when you take a piss. Take it from Clappy kids! Wear a condom!

[Bob]

I like how this dickbag says if he was a lesser man he’d tell you to go fuck yourself and then says go fuck yourself. So, by his own admittance, he is a lesser man.

What a dickbag.

[Coral Gables Dave]

No, seriously. We have a soccer team?

[Doug]

Shitty the Ass-Smelling Bird.

The guy walks around in the sun all day in that thing, hence...the name.

[Glenn from BC]

Bob, he’s a lesser man because he’s the president of a soccer fan club.

And yes, he’s a dickbag. That goes without saying.

[Julius]

“Then, like a member of Al Qaida at a U.S. Army recruiting booth, provided time, date and location for the game this weekend against Carolina.”

Yea, God forbid you tell New Times readers where they can go see the game. Wouldn’t want the attendance to rise to more than 11 people. That would be bad for the team.

[Mark G]

Spawn of Carrot Top. Thats what his name should be!. He is what you get when you cross carrot top and Cher

[TK]

He also looks like Sonic the hedgehog. Only gayer.

[Coral Gables Dave]

Holy shit. He DOES look like fucking Carrot Top!

Now that I think about it, hasn't he been out of work lately?

[Coral Gables Dave]

Also, I'm going to go with: Douchey.

[The Sports Hernia]

That is one furious mascot, looks like Uncle Leo when the doctor painted his eyebrows on.

[Jerry O]

Nice of them to go all out and spend a whole dollar and eighty cents for the poster board and marker. Nicely done, Hot Shot. Err... I mean, Cum On Face.

[Coral Gables Dave]

Haha... "Hot Shot I don't care for your demeanor."

"Demeanor?"

"Now you're just being difficult."

[Tom in Nashville]

Anything for free publicity, I suppose, since residents of the city didn't even know of their existence. Sad, really. Calling him a dickbag is an insult to dickbags everywhere, who probably aren't too happy to be associated with him right about now...

[Tom in Nashville]

Hey, what is HIS email address???

[phranchise]

BLUEBALLS!!!

[Tick]

Phranchise wins.

Also, these guys play in Tropical Park? That’s just fucking sad.

[Gersom]

How about we call him "Eddie Shanker". The soccer team can be called "The Clap". Introducing Miami's new soccer team and mascot Eddie Shanker and The Clap. Now let's go out there and slap our dicks around. Wait a minute!! Remember, no hands.

[Marc]

Why does it have jowls in the second picture?

[JerryD]

Say it ain't so Dude, you've become the Mando of pro soccer ... complete with an exploding head dweeb corps.

They are in dire need of soccer hooligans!!!

How bout ... PeckerWood ... although I did like BlueBalls.

Sir Peckerwood von Bleauball de Juevon

[Deavis]

How about Blow-Jay the Blue-Jay?

[vman]

How about Holeshot?
or Polly Pecker Head.
D.B. Pecker wood

Hey, Nothin more manley than a Rooster. He's all cock except for his nose....and that's his pecker.

So far I think Fudge Pecker has my vote from the posted names above! LMAO

[monkeyboy]

I've never commented on here before, but here goes: "CockPunch".

[Dat Roro Kid]

This is the most awesome thing I've seen all weekend.