Entries from June 2008
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Why you no post Dude?Four reasons:A. Work. Interestingly, like most humans, I use water to drink and bathe in, also I have an AC to keep running (to avoid the swamp ass) and a child to feed. So, I have work. Lots and lots of work. Too much work, actually. I'm trying to clear the table of all my work so I can get back to serving humanity with blogging about the Miami Dolphins. Anyway, yea, work. Work sucks.B. New is slow. Absolutely the worst time for all Dolphins and football fans alike. Nothing going on. Nothing. Training camps can't start soon enough. C'mon dickbags. Do something. Give us something interesting to blog about. What's wrong with you assholes? Don't you have ineffectual fights you can start? Strippers to...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The video you see above is the suddenly famous Wii Fit Hula Hoop girl. The thing about this video is that it was posted like three weeks ago and has already gotten over 4 million views. Recently, it was revealed that the girl in the video is Lauren Bernat of Miami, Florida.So with that information in tow, I will now spend the entire weekend on a quest to find Lauren and her gorgeous ass. With only my cunning and my penis to guide me. Wish me luck.I leave you with a link dump:...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
This week's winner is the always consistent rojowill from the RIP George Carlin post:And yet Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia continue to live....rojowill has the kind of job that allows him to sit and read blogs and websites all day long. He's a Renaissance man, living the dream....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
One more time. Just for the record.BAM!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The Dolphins have announced their training camp dates. There are a lot of them. And you can bet your sweet ass that I'll be at as many of these as I possibly can*. Melting in the SoFla sun, drenching myself in a shitload of sunscreen, and having a bout of dehydration or two along the way. All so I can report to you about how Phillip Merling is attacking the tackling dummy with gusto. And so I, like everyone else who reports on these things, can tell you how our offense is coming right along and boost all our expectations to such unreasonable levels that we'll all want an umbrella shoved up our asses, and then opened, once the regular season starts after we remember and realize just how...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
It's June 25th. Training camp is a whole month away, which means until we trade Jason Taylor or Bill Parcells' head explodes or Will Allen pulls a knife on a guy outside a Linens & Things, news will be slow. (Unless you want me to post news about how Parcells nicknamed one of his guys "General Hospital." That Parcells. Funny and topical!)Today, my man Omar from the Sun-Sentinel lists a few lingering issues that need to be addressed by the Fins before camp. He lists the obvious, like settling the Jason Taylor situation and making sure guys like Ronnie Brown get and stay healthy.But here's what I think is the most important point he makes:Come up with a plan for how all four quarterbacks are going to begin camp...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Because nothing makes the day go by faster than a good dump...--CBS Sportsline has a nice piece on John Beck and his Mormonite powers coming to fruition as our future franchise quarterback. Beck has a lot of work to do, in my opinion. He's not a Parcells guy and I think Tuna has Chad Henne in his sights as the team's long-term answer. It seems to me, scouring through the interwebs, that Phinsider's Matty and I are Beck's biggest cheerleaders in the Dolphins blogosphere. I think he's the best option among the three we have. However, my concerns from last season remain: his age (he'll be 27 when the season starts), his size (he's a small 6-2) and his delivery point (batted balls everywhere!). Reports say he's working on...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
George Carlin - Guys Named ToddFuck. Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK... It's an interesting word too, cause it's got a double kind of a life -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck... What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeah, we're going to fuck, yeah, we're going to fuck, yeah, we're going to make love. And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word fuck hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
I'll end the week with our other unofficial official FN Girl, Marisa Miller. Our girl made the cover of July's Maxim (who somehow managed to make her look at least 10% less sexy...and thus why I never read Maxim. Seriously, Maxim? A one-piece outfit on Marisa Fucking Miller? Here's a tip, hire some heterosexual photographers on your staff, you boner strangling cockrockets!). Sure, I can post another item on the whole possible Packers-Dolphins trade. But I won't. Because I'm on vacation. And because I give you guys what you want when Fins news is slow going. Even though some of you spread vicious, vicious rumors about me shacking up in some motel with a certain Miami Herald columnist named Armando. Lies! All lies!!! I would never even be in the...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
I've been meaning to present this new feature here on FN for some time now. So I figured what better time than now. The title is pretty self-explanatory. I'll present the winner (or winners) here every week. Most of your comments are strong, funny and smart. So you should be recognized. And while the winner doesn't always have to be funny, it certainly doesn't hurt. Maybe at the end of the summer I'll present the very best, put it to a vote, and award the winner with a prize. For now, the weekly winners get their very own post in a blog (Hey! Look at you!), respect from their fellow commenters (or utter jealously and contempt) and a hardy cyber-slap on the back and an atta boy! from me.This Week's...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Taking time away from my vacay to post this: A report says that the Packers have made an "exploratory inquiry" about trading for Jason Taylor. And basically this is news because some guys on the coaching staff used to work under Wandstedt in Miami and that the Packers are desperate for a DE because they're not sure when they're going to get Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila and his busted up knee back. Whatever. So in other words, the Packers went, "Sup. You guys still wanna trade JT? Because we kinda need a defensive end." And the Dolphins went, "Uh. Yea. Sure. Give us your first round pick, or your second round pick for 2009 and he's all yours." And then the next sound that was heard was the Packers hanging up the...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
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Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Sup Nation. Just wanted to let everyone know I'll be off on vacation this week. The Dolphins are on vacation themselves, so I figured fuck it, why don't I just go on vacation too. For me, this means kicking back with a margarita on some random beach, hitting the waves, and ogling as much tits and ass that is humanly possible. For you, this means posting will be somewhat light. I'll be back next Monday, most likely refreshed, definitely hungover and definitely broker than ever. So have yourself a good week. I'll be out and about, having so much fun I'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah out of my asshole.See you then....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The scrawny little pecker-head you see on the left is me. The other kid is my big brother. And the mustachioed stranger in the middle -- that would be my old man in all his Magnum PI glory. I inherited my love of sports from my Dad. I also inherited from my Dad my love of good music, pizza bagels, women with nice asses, Superman comics, Ray Harryhausen movies, and a fondness for having fun at other people's expense. Alas, I did not inherit his affinity for mustaches. But there are three things my Dad instilled in me that has impacted my life the most. The first two are his love for the Miami Dolphins and his sarcastic and douchebaggedy wit (which explains why this blog is ensconced in...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Remember last year when Ronnie Brown blew up his knee trying to tackle a Patriot DB who just intercepted a pass? And we were all like, "Oh man, Ronnie got dinged up," and then three minutes later we were all like, "Oh shit. Not good." and then we were all like, "Why us?" and then we were all like, "God hates us! God fucking hates us!" Remember that?Good times.Well, less than a year later it looks like the universal colossus that is Ronnie Brown, the man we here at FN affectionately call Black Thunder (t-shirts coming soon!), is on his way back sooner than expected:Less than eight months after sustaining a season-ending knee injury, Dolphins running back Ronnie Brown took part in 11-on-11 team drills for the first time...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
What If says we'll win 5 games this year.Yay us!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
One of the greater benefits of drafting Jake Long first-overall in last April's draft, was the fact that it was kind of a surprise-package deal. We got ourselves a bona fide left tackle in Long. But we also got ourselves a kick-ass right tackle in Vernon Carey. It's like when you order a Whopper value meal at BK and you get a surprise onion ring with your fries! I love it when that shit happens! To re-cap, Carey was originally drafted in '04 to be our starting right-tackle. But things went to shit on our line and the behemoth had to convert to left tackle. He stared all 16 games last season and was the lone bright spot in a craptastic offensive line that killed John Beck's confidence and...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Yeremiah Bell. That's who. Bell, recovering from a 2007 torn Achilles tendon, said he's 95 percent recovered from the injury. "The other five percent will come over the rest of the offseason," Bell said ...Bell is running with the first teamers. He loves the new defensive system, calling it "player friendly," and thinks he can prosper in it. Chances look good he'll do exactly that. /muthafuckas!...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Ernest Wilford catches a pass over Derek Hagan, who was playing defensive back in drills, during minicamp on Saturday....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Contrary to what this picture might suggest, the Dolphins did not trade for Peyton Manning./It's actually Josh McCown. You may now return to your sad pathetic existence as a Dolphins fan because our quarterback situation still pretty much sucks monkey balls......
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Mandatory minicamp came and went over the weekend. Here are some highlights from the guys who covered it all:--Armando Salguero has more evidence that our passing offense still sucks. But, hey, our kicking game is looking fantastic! Wee!! --Bill Parcells was impressed by The Golden God. He also gave Ricky Williams a fist pound. Neat! Also... wait....checking, hold on ... yup. Passing offense still sucks. --As usual, Omar Kelly turns in a stellar re-cap. Of the guys he's most impressed with: Will Allen tops the list, along with Yeremiah Bell and Ricky Williams. So basically, we gotta hope Will stops gambling, Yeremiah stays healthy and Ricky, well, you know. Fingers crossed, everyone!!--Salguero has a nice piece on Parcells from yesterday's Herald. The bottom line, Parcells is a Hall of...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Today was the first day of mandatory training camp for the Dolphins. Nothing much happened, so we can call it a day. But if you're still going to be a douche about it, click on the "Continue Reading" link below to get caught up on the day's nothingness. Otherwise, enjoy what makes this the greatest Dolphins blog in the Universe: Tits! And! Ass!:...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Perhaps there's more to Bill Parcells than meets the eye. Perhaps old age has softened him up a bit. Perhaps he realized that all this bickering with Jason Taylor is just a pointless and needless distraction.Or perhaps Parcells reads FinsNation and was swayed by my eloquent counterpoints on why he was in the wrong, and was moved to take action. Because, deep down, he knew I had made some pretty good points. Like when I called him a fatass cocksucker. I can be very articulate and persuasive. It's a gift, really....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Things were looking pretty bad for Michael Lehan yesterday. Aside from getting beat by Derek Hagan during a passing drill, which in and of itself makes for a pretty shitty afternoon, Lehan also suffered what looked like a serious season-ending leg injury on the play. However, Lehan's agent reported some good news to the Palm Beach Post:Dolphins cornerback Michael Lehan will be out only four to six weeks...Agent Craig Domann said the diagnosis was a [ankle] dislocation. The Dolphins likely will work Lehan slowly, but he should be back early in training camp and available for the regular season. “To my knowledge, it doesn’t appear to be as severe as it must’ve looked,” Domann said.Not as severe as it looked, according to Lehan's agent. Yea, a dislocated ankle isn't...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Someone from Gatorade sent me an e-mail asking me to pass this along to you guys. And although Gatorade isn't paying me shit, I'll pass it along anyway because that's the kind of guy that I am. And also because I dig Gatorade. Except for that light blue Hawaiian flavor. I'm not drinking anything that looks like Windex. Besides, my friends are just dickish enough to make the concerted effort of replacing the Hawaiian flavor with actual Windex while I'm not looking. Assholes.And now they've got those AM flavors where Kevin Garnett delivers it to Peyton Manning like a morning milk man from the 1950's. Gatorade for breakfast? That's just gross. What the hell, Gatorade? I get it. It quenches my thirst. I don't need to be drinking that...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Omar Kelly reports on the Fins' offense during today's OTAs. As usual, it's a great roundup from Omar. Except that he uses the CAPS key a bit too much to express emphasis, where italics would do just fine. Otherwise, he's just shouting random words at us. And that just makes him look like a crazy person. Anyway, he says Josh McCown and John Beck are both looking good: Both Josh McCown, who opened up Wednesday's practice as the starter, and John Beck looked SHARP during Wednesday's OTA session. A number of touchdowns and big play passes were thrown during team drills, and 7-on-7. Basically, the offense was humming, and to be honest I was very impressed with the passing game. Now, this doesn't mean the Dolphins are going to...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Looks like our already incredibly shallow secondary just took a shot to the onions. Reports coming out of today's OTA's are that CB Michael Lehan suffered a bad leg injury during practice and had to be carried off the field. Armando Salguero reports:Cornerback Michael Lehan was carried off the field today when he injured his left ankle area during a team-drill pass. Receiver Derek Hagan jumped for pass along the sideline and Lehan came under him. I cannot tell you if he sprained the ankle, broke the ankle, or perhaps suffered an Achilles tendon injury....Lehan had the area wrapped in ace when two trainers carried him back to the locker room.Just more evidence that our luck is the shittiest in the history of all things. Derek Hagan, of all...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Tony Sparano would like to remind Bill Parcells that, while he is free to play all the macho head-games with Jason Taylor his Man-Tits desire, and enforce his insufferable authority over everyone, especially over the biggest name on the team, so that no one forgets who's really in charge around here, that it will, in fact, be Sparano's ass if the team doesn't win games. Therefore, it might be a good idea to keep as many of the good players that are currently listed on the team's roster, regardless of their choice of off-season extra curricular activities and stuff. Just a suggestion....
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
The NFL Network has named Dan Marino the 7th all-time most mobile quarterback in NFL history. Yep. Damn right they did. Marino is ranked ahead of Donovan McNabb and Doug Flutie. John Elway didn't even make the list. Suck on that, you horse faced pigeon-toed cockrocket!One of Marino's most under appreciated skills was the way he shuffled in the pocket to avoid the pass rush, set his feet, sense pressure from behind, shuffle again and fire the football like a cannon. Sure the man couldn't outrun a baby with one foot, but he certainly was elusive. And that's what matters. The Right Arm of God was, in the words of NFL Films' Steve Sabol, "like a great matador...one of the most elusive quarterbacks ever." NFL draft guru Mike Mayock...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Unlike some Dolphins bloggers and fan forum members, current and former NFL players are siding with JT on this whole fiasco. Colts Pro Bowl defensive end Dwight Freeney says that Taylor should get a little more respect than he's getting: "He is the face of the franchise. Before him it was Dan Marino. When I think of Miami, I think of Jason Taylor."Anthony Munoz, former Bengals offensive lineman and current member of the NFL Hall of Fame, said a player with JT's track record shouldn't be criticized for skipping training camps: "At that age you don't need the beating that you take in camp. I know a lot of coaches and GMs won't like me for this, but at that point in your career if you can just get...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
At the risk of alienating more readers, and boring the shit out of the rest of you, I give you a special comment by me, The Dude, on this whole Jason Taylor thing. Again. Sorry. Has to be done.What has Jason Taylor done that has people seething as if they were suddenly, and without warning, anal-raped by a kangaroo with herpes? Why is he the bad guy in so many Dolphins fans' eyes? I don't get it. And, Nation, I never will. He's done nothing wrong. He missed voluntary OTAs and plans to miss next week's camp for personal reasons. He has done nothing outside what his contract says he should do. Maybe once he starts missing practices unexcused, I'll get upset (probably not, but stick around and see...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
Jason Taylor has scheduled a press conference for today at 11:30 AM. Miami Herald's Armando Salguero says JT -- if he's honest -- is expected to announce that he'd like to be traded. The Sun-Sentinel's Ethan Skolnick agrees and believes that JT will talk candidly about wanting to be traded. Both Salguero and Skolnick see Taylor as someone who, at this stage in his career, doesn't want to start another re-building project and would like to play for a contender. Says Skolnick: As I've said for a while here: the most likely scenario was a trade, the second-most likely was retirement, and the least likely was Taylor playing another down for the Dolphins. That should become more clear today.Yes it shall. Maybe. Hopefully. Coming out and openly talking about...
Tags: Dolphins, Miami Dolphins, NFL
