FinsNation

Omar Kelly Super Secret Cap-Lock, Da Vinci Code-esque Message of the Day

Unlock the code....

ALREADY
AND
DAMN (!!)

NONE
HUGE
IF
OFF THE STREET
NEED

OLD

(lackadaisical hand claps from the FinsNation Café)

Omar is trying to tell us something again.  I believe he’s telling us to watch this trailer and try to make sense of that whimsical tale.

Can you dig it, maaaaaan??  REALLY???

/strokes Leninist beard with half-amused, half-skeptical aplomb

*Psst.  I get it, Omar.  I understand you.  I’m not like the others that pretend to.*

-DRK

(Mad props to cool-cat Darnell for the photoshop job.)

WTF

From the Palm Beach Post:

The Dolphins could considering bringing in Quincy Carter, who played for Parcells in Dallas, but hasn’t played in the NFL since 2004 before he was released amid drug allegations.

Hall of Fame wide receiver Michael Irvin reported today on his radio show in the Dallas-Fort Worth area that Carter will be in Davie on Friday for a workout at the Dolphins’ training facility.

Holy crap, did I really just read that or am I on mushrooms? So I guess all three of our quarterbacks are so beyond shitty that we feel the need to bring just anybody to compete for a roster spot?

Michael Irving apparently broke this news. Michael Irving also did a ton of coke throughout his lifetime, so I'm going to defer this to the inane ramblings of a guy who did a ton of coke throughout his lifetime and just move on with my day.

-The DUDE

Tony Sparano is Intriguing

The the USAToday sports blog runs a daily Who's In Your Five? feature and today they post the 5 most intriguing coaches for the upcoming NFL season.

And our man Iron Calves makes the list at number 2!

Tony Sparano, Miami: This guy made even have it harder than McCarthy. He is coaching a team that everyone thinks Bill Parcells is running. Perhaps these two will have a perfect marriage but it will be interesting to see what happens if they disagree on anything. All of this would be fine except that Sparano is taking over the worst team in the NFL last season. The good news is that the Dolphins have only one direction left to go. The rest is bad news.

But I gotta disagree with the The USAToday here. Sparano is already proving he can handle his shit. The players are already responding to him and, best of all, when a brawl breaks out on the practice field, he lets it run its course. He actually welcomes it. That's fucking badass. Sparano is the perfect guy to run a Parcells team -- with his freakishly huge calves, angry-sex face and his utter musky manliness. The man is set to make shit happen. He's got the undaunted ballsy strut of an old school airline pilot -- the guys that used to smack the stewardesses in the ass and drink scotch on the rocks before every takeoff and would never let on about the faulty landing gear or the cracked wing. That's the kind of guy we have coaching our Fins. And that's the kind of guy we need.

Hat tip to the The USAToday's Marketing Intern Usman Khan for sending me the link.

Thanks Khan!!!!

-The DUDE

She's Leaving Home: Terry Glenn to be a Dolphin?

The Star Telegram is reporting that former Dallas Cowboys receiver Terry Glenn could be headed to your Miami Dolphins any day now.  Glenn was injured for nearly all of 2007 and only activated for the final game of the year in which he caught as many passes and as many yards as Yatil Green did during all of 1998 and 1999.  Last Friday, Glenn was waived by the Cowboys after refusing to sign an injury waiver due to concerns over the health of his surgically repaired right knee.  

Glenn was the balls as a receiver for the Pats from 1996 through 2000, as well as the Cowboys during the '05 and '06 seasons. It'll be interesting to see what ole' Soup-Knees has left in the tank.  I'm assuming they're not even going to perform a physical on this guy because he would likely fail it as much as The DUDE and I would (We've both been diagnosed with acute BRASS BALLS).

David Kircus and Derek Hagan could not be reached for comment.  They are apparently heavily immersed in the heated competition for the highly coveted J.R. Tolver Memorial Award.

We at FinsNation will continue to monitor these proceedings closely.

-DRK

Robot Chad Henne Has Potential. Is a Robot.

We spent a second-round pick on him (57th overall), he comes from a big time college program, and he seems to fit the mold of a Bill Parcells type of quarterback (big arm, big body). Not much is being said about The Robot and the possibility that he could potentially be the franchise QB this team has been waiting for since 1999. But, so far, the coaching staff and even some players seem intrigued with Chad Henne's potential.

Players and coaches love Henne's potential [See? I wouldn't bullshit you.] -- ''We've seen the big arm and a pretty calm demeanor,'' coach Tony Sparano said -- but the sentiment is he needs time to develop. Henne said the Dolphins have helped him ''get the ball out faster'' than at Michigan. ''It's taking me 2.8 seconds to get the ball out now'' after the snap, he said.

Henne's arm strength has always been the best part of his game. Now that he's getting rid of it faster, I think it's as good a time as any to get some hard nipples over his potential as possible future franchise QB. This piece from Readingeagle.com highlights the fact that Parcells liked Chad Henne because of his toughness (it's written by some dude named Jimmy Johnson. Jesus, how many Jimmy Johnsons are there in this world? Creepy). Anyway...

Henne led the Wolverines, who started the season 0-2, to the Capital One Bowl. There, he threw for 373 yards and three touchdowns in a 41-35 defeat of then-defending national champion Florida.

"Fighting through (the injury) and playing Florida in the last game was exciting," he said. "And my toughness was kind of proven throughout this season, fighting through injuries and adversity."

It was that toughness displayed against Florida that landed him on Parcells' wish list.

It's that determination that has him in the position to compete for a starting NFL job.

He's big. He's immobile and stiff in the pocket. And his throwing mechanics are very, well .... mechanical. He seems to be devoid of any emotion -- whether it's in the pocket or in interviews. This evidence suggests to me that Chad Henne is, in fact, a robot from the 50's.

And he could very well be our savior.

-The DUDE

FinsNation Would Like to Invite Comcast To Go Eat a D*ck

 
Comcast released their list of the 20 Teams Nobody Cares About. Among the dishonorable mentions are life-long losing franchises like the Milwaukee Bucks, Washington Nationals, and Detroit Lions. And topping the list at number one? Your Miami Dolphins.

Once a storied franchise, a one-win season has seen the Dolphins value quickly drop to 15th in the NFL. If a talented No. 1 draft pick and veteran coach turned executive VP can't get things going in Miami, you can expect the Dolphins stock to hit rock bottom.

Did Alan Greenspan write that? Values and stocks? What the fuck is this scrotum slapper babbling about? Look, I'll be the first to admit that we suck the ass out of a dead rhinoceros right now. But, unlike the other teams on this list, our shitty ways are the exception, not the rule. The Lions and Nationals and Bucks have always sucked. Forever. This is fairly new to us. Hence, the anger.

If the list had been titled The Top 20 Current Crappiest Teams, or the Top 20 Teams that Used to Kick Ass but Now Suck It, I'd be fine with that. But the Top 20 Teams that Nobody Cares About? And number one, at that?

Stick to your Comcastic customer service, high-priced cable packages, illegal cockblocking of your customers and not having the NFL Network, Comcast. Leave the sports to people who know what the fuck they're talking about. And don't fuck with our Dolphins.

Dickbags.

-The DUDE

Ernest Wilford Is Not Afraid

Now that we've gotten the existentialism portion of the blog out of the way, we focus on an actual Dolphins article. And ESPN has written one! About the Dolphins!

Uber-Caucasian Tim Graham wrote a piece about the Dolphins for ESPN's Camp Confidential coverage. Among other things in the piece, we have new Fins receiver Ernest Wilford expressing his confidence in his team. And by "expressing his confidence" I mean, "holy monkey tits this guy must be on crack."

"Everyone's coming out here with one common goal, and that's to win," new receiver Ernest Wilford said. "We want to win our division this year. We're not going to wait."

"Why not us?"

Wilford's question was rhetorical. An answer came anyway:

The New England Patriots for one.

"Why not us?" Wilford said again, this time more firmly. "The Patriots are just another team to me.

"No fear. Don't live in fear."

After the portion where Wilford deftly treads the line between fearless and moronic, the rest of the piece is pretty standard fare. Graham rolls out the requisite "burning questions" format that most NFL beat writers love to use. Maybe it's because they all have herpes. Without actually answering any of the questions, Graham asks: Can Bill Parcells turn the Dolphins around? Can Ricky be a star again? Will Beck or Henne emerge as the franchise QBs of the future? Will Joey Porter not suck as badly as last season?

He then wonders about Jake Long as the cornerstone of this team, and tells us that the coaching staff is counting on Charlie Anderson to take up where JT left off. Graham then says how much different this new regime's culture is from Cam Cameron's Family Circus a year ago.

It's a wholly original article that asks questions without answering them and tells the rest of America how truly shitty our team is right now. But fear not, Nation. Ernest Wilford ain't afraid of The Suck. So I won't be either.

Now, pass the pipe.

-The DUDE

FinsNation Signs of the Apocalypse

From the Palm Beach Post:

Derek Hagan is having a GREAT practice. He makes a beautiful catch, out-jumping Will Allen on a 25-yard route, and is hauling in everything. Several members of the media have remarked that Hagan is having a great day. This is a big year for Hagan, now in his third season. The knock on him is that he has hands of stone, but he’s hauling in everything today.

Looks like Derek’s an early front runner for the coveted J.R. Tolver Memorial Award for Wide Receivers That Will Get You All Excited About Them During Camp Only To Do Absolutely Nothing In The Actual Regular Season.

Well done, Derek!

Currently, Hagan is narrowly edging out OTA’s winner, David Kircus.  Hang in there, Kirkus.  There are more diving catches for you to make before you fade off into obscurity. Just believe.

-DRK

Deep Thoughts Chapter XII: In Which Channing Crowder Suddenly Realizes the Fins Are Devoid of Talent

"We must not have much talent to have the GM and the coach on the billboard."

- Channing Crowder, on the team's marketing campaign focusing on Jeff Ireland and Tony Sparano.

-The DUDE

Omar Kelly Super Secret Cap-Lock, Da Vinci Code-esque Message of the Day

Unlock the code

ALL QUARTERBACKS
PROUDLY
ALL
FORCED
IT WAS JUST ONE PRACTICE (!!!!!)
SUPPOSE
NO QUARTERBACK
NONE

Omar - in his very psychedelic, be-bop, Allen Ginsberg, Gaslight sort of way – is telling us that existence is simply a ruse perpetrated by an evil overlord known only as The Puppet Master.  The Puppet Master controls all our actions and he mocks our ridiculous notion of "free will."  All life is a slow march to the grave.  Simply put, we are engaging in one drab day after another until our inevitable shuffling off this mortal coil. 

Yes, brother…….YEEESSSSSSS. 

/snaps fingers, nods approvingly while stroking Leninist goatee

-DRK