Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender: One More Week

One week from today, we'll be talking about the Jets and the first game of the season. We'll also be telling the Brett Favre-loving media to go fuck themselves with a steam cleaner. So good times for all is in our immediate future.

Also, we'll be seeing plenty-o-cockpunches throughout the weekend, as the Fins look to trim the roster to 53. So, feel free to chat it up here in the comments about it all as it happens.

Have a great weekend, Nation. Hopefully it's a 3-day weekend for us all. Also, if you're anything like me, then you're excited about this: college football starts this weekend! Woo-hoo!!

-The DUDE

Weekender: One More Week

One week from today, we'll be talking about the Jets and the first game of the season. We'll also be telling the Brett Favre-loving media to go fuck themselves with a steam cleaner. So good times for all is in our immediate future.

Also, we'll be seeing plenty-o-cockpunches throughout the weekend, as the Fins look to trim the roster to 53. So, feel free to chat it up here in the comments about it all as it happens.

Have a great weekend, Nation. Hopefully it's a 3-day weekend for us all. Also, if you're anything like me, then you're excited about this: college football starts this weekend! Woo-hoo!!

-The DUDE

More Evidence for why Omar Kelly Kicks Armando's Ass in Pretty Much Everything

First off, there's Omar's offensive projections blog post from today, which is a great read in and of itself.

But then, there's the last line of the post:

The defense is coming, but as you might expect it was a long night in New Orleans last night and I've got a bit of a hangover headache. Shhhhhhh.

Deuces.

Mr. Salguero, please pick up the white courtesy phone. There’s a Mr. Kelly on the line and he has your ass which he’d like to hand you.

-The DUDE

More Evidence for why Omar Kelly Kicks Armando's Ass in Pretty Much Everything

First off, there's Omar's offensive projections blog post from today, which is a great read in and of itself.

But then, there's the last line of the post:

The defense is coming, but as you might expect it was a long night in New Orleans last night and I've got a bit of a hangover headache. Shhhhhhh.

Deuces.

Mr. Salguero, please pick up the white courtesy phone. There’s a Mr. Kelly on the line and he has your ass which he’d like to hand you.

-The DUDE

Tony Sparano...... Secrets

 

 

....secrets....

My name is Tony Sparano and people like to laugh and say it sounds like Tony Soprano. But what they don't know is that my birth-given name is Tony Dildo.

secrets.....

I'll be honest with you. No one -- and I mean no one -- fucks as hard as I do.

secrets...

The only reason I took this job was because they promised me I would meet Garo Yepremian. So far, that promise has been a load of horseshit.

secrets.....

Everyone says that my main rivals will be Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini. But my real rival? Tube socks.

secrets..

The real joy of this job is meeting the young fans who come to see us practice. Like this one little boy who asked for my autograph the other day. I signed his football and the kid says, "Thanks Mr. Parcells!" I then took the football from him, punted it into the stands and told him that Bill Parcells was dead.

secrets.....

My wife and I went out and both got ourselves tattoos on our backs. Hers reads, "Tony 'N Margie 4-Ever!" Mine is a picture of two rhinos doing it.

secrets.....

(The real Tony Sparano's Secrets, by Omar Kelly)

-The DUDE

Chad Henne Has a Sack

Last night, The Robot started off the game a little like we're used to seeing from our quarterbacks down here in the Land of the Shitty Quarterbacks: a fumble and an INT. But he quickly shook it off by then going 16 for 20 and ending the night with 134 yards and a TD (it pays to be able to clear out the memory banks of confidence-killing plays!) on his way to leading the Fins to their 14-10 victory over the Saints to close out the pre-season. His 8-yard TD to tight end Sean Ryan was a thing of beauty. And his Favre-like improvised flip to Greg Camarillo to set up a Ronnie Brown TD was ballsy.

Chad Henne is just all balls. Big balls too. Credit Parcells for this, who looks for players with large sacks and then drafts them. Chad Henne is one of those players. Chad Henne has a gargantuan sack. We're talking big. Like those sacks of money with dollar signs on them from them old-timey cartoons, you ask? Um, yeah sure why not.

-The DUDE

Chad Henne Has a Sack

Last night, The Robot started off the game a little like we're used to seeing from our quarterbacks down here in the Land of the Shitty Quarterbacks: a fumble and an INT. But he quickly shook it off by then going 16 for 20 and ending the night with 134 yards and a TD (it pays to be able to clear out the memory banks of confidence-killing plays!) on his way to leading the Fins to their 14-10 victory over the Saints to close out the pre-season. His 8-yard TD to tight end Sean Ryan was a thing of beauty. And his Favre-like improvised flip to Greg Camarillo to set up a Ronnie Brown TD was ballsy.

Chad Henne is just all balls. Big balls too. Credit Parcells for this, who looks for players with large sacks and then drafts them. Chad Henne is one of those players. Chad Henne has a gargantuan sack. We're talking big. Like those sacks of money with dollar signs on them from them old-timey cartoons, you ask? Um, yeah sure why not.

-The DUDE

Dolphins Preseason: Fins-Saints Keys To the Game

Funny how just as quickly as we were trumpeting the return of the season (even PREseason), we are now over-eager for that Sept. 7th showdown against the Jets.  We can’t be bothered with watching Matt Mulligan or Courtney Bryan playing out there!  You can’t seriously expect us to watch any more of Lex Hilliard unless we have to, right?!?!  The list of dudes just waiting to be cockpunched has grown long and cumbersome (that’s for you 7Mary3 freaks) and there’s a whole slew of waiver wire pickups to be work-jerked.  This is the sort of game where it might be best to put the sound on mute, make yourself a Tanqueray and Tonic and explore the complete works of Jandek – in order of release.

Dolphins Preseason: Fins-Saints Keys To the Game

Funny how just as quickly as we were trumpeting the return of the season (even PREseason), we are now over-eager for that Sept. 7th showdown against the Jets.  We can’t be bothered with watching Matt Mulligan or Courtney Bryan playing out there!  You can’t seriously expect us to watch any more of Lex Hilliard unless we have to, right?!?!  The list of dudes just waiting to be cockpunched has grown long and cumbersome (that’s for you 7Mary3 freaks) and there’s a whole slew of waiver wire pickups to be work-jerked.  This is the sort of game where it might be best to put the sound on mute, make yourself a Tanqueray and Tonic and explore the complete works of Jandek – in order of release.

Keith Davis is No Longer a Dolphin

This is quite literally yesterday's news. But we're now just getting to it. In what was a bit of a shocker, the Dolphins released safety Keith Davis yesterday.

Davis was brought here from Dallas to shore up what was an atrocious special teams unit from last season. He had been playing well so far this off-season and in pre-season games, so the release is a little out of nowhere. Also, Davis is a badass. A dude who's been shot several times -- including once in the head, in which he drove himself to the hospital. That's fucking badass. And I should know because I was once knocked out after getting hit in the head with an orange. So I know where Davis is coming from with his badassness.

And that's why this move puzzles me.

Man, The Cockpuncher will kiss you lovingly on the head one day, punch you in the cock the next. No one is safe!

-The DUDE