A Cold Wet Dose of Reality to Our Collective Groin Area

Well shit on a turtle, that was frustrating.

When the Fins defense caught those two early interceptions and The Leprechaun Patrick Cobbs left his Pot 'o Gold at the end of the rainbow to come to Houston to score a 53-yard and an 80-yard touchdown, and it seemed like Joey Porter was going to turn Texans left tackle Duane Brown into his own personal hand-puppet and have himself a career day, and we took that early 14-3 lead, I figured I should just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Then our weaknesses kicked in. And they kicked in hard.

First off, there's our special teams. Holy titty-fuck does this unit suck. We all witnessed just how shitty they are when we played the Patriots and New England kept returning our kickoffs to the 40. Yesterday, the Dolphins coverage team gift wrapped that win for the Texans with a pretty little bow, while taking a shit in a box and Fed Exing it to us, the fans. Simply put, Jacoby Jones' 70-yard touchdown return was the difference in this game. No question in my mind. He doesn't take it to the house, we win. Period.

Second: Our secondary is highly combustible, and possibly lathered in Vaseline. I knew Andre Johnson was going to have a big game. The guy is a fucking horse (and he's from The U!). But for fucksake, I didn't expect him to have this kind of game. Michael Lehan needs to learn that you can't slap a guy's arm when said guy outweighs you by 132 pounds. Put a body on a motherfucker, Mike! And learn to fucking catch, Renaldo Hill, you fucking useless anal wart. Jesus, why does our secondary always treat the football like it was dipped in AIDS during the most crucial times in games? Bottom line, our defense was fucked to the tune of 485-total yards, including 379 passing yards from Matt Schaub, a guy who literally lost seven pounds a week ago after being hospitalized when he got some weird Amazon rain forest virus up his ass. This week, he bounces back and has a career fucking day. And let's not forget the craptastic showing from our D in that final drive. Twice, Miami had the Texans on 4th down. Of course, Andre Johnson makes a spectacular 23-yard catch on 4th and 10 where Yeremiah should have knocked it loose, and sets things up for the cockpunch. Several plays later, Schaub is waltzing into the endzone like he's taking a stroll in the park and looking for a restroom with glory holes in it. Cockpunch engaged. Game over (oh, and here's a concept the coaches should consider: when something is working, STICK WITH IT! Whenever we put pressure on Schaub, he would wilt faster than I do whenever I imagine Rosie O'Donnell naked. Why we didn't keep sending guys into Schaub's face all the live-long day, especially in the second half, is beyond me).

Third, and most importantly, they have Andre Johnson. We have Ted Fucking Ginn Jr. While it was awesome to see the Fins breakout the Wildcat in flea-flicker form (which led to that 53-yard TD to Cobbs) and score a TD for the 6th time utilizing it, we're going to need a little bit more to close games out. Simply put, this game just reminded us --again -- that we're missing that big-play receiver to rip it up alongside Ronnie Brown. Yes, the Dolphins put points on the board. But they were a pitiful 2-for-10 on third down conversions, while Johnson made the big catch at the most crucial moments for the Texans all day long (except for that one fumble, but fuck you, you nit-picking dickbag. I'm trying to make a point here). I'm still up for going after this guy. We need to. Until then, we're stuck with Ginn. And for the record, he caught one pass. Then ran backwards as if the DB was chasing him with a meat cleaver. That's one catch, for minus-one yard.

Also, only 11 carries for Ronnie? That's a sure-fire way to get your ass handed to you real quick like.

So, we failed to make it to .500, and we're 0-4 against the Texans. Our weaknesses have been exposed -- again. But these are things that can be fixed, so all is not lost. Plus, we have Cam Cameron and the Ravens coming to pay us a visit this Sunday. That should be enough to get us going again.

For now, we're just going to have to go about our week simmering in this awful bitterness and wondering "what-if."

Fuck.

-The DUDE

Comments

[Gersom]

How much you wanna bet the Miami brass doesn't go for that guy? WOW!!!! Ginn actually caught a pass yesterday?????? I'm shocked!!! I just can't remember his name ever being called yesterday. But now to find out he caught a pass for minus one yard pisses me off even more. WTF!!!!!!!!
I have to admit I enjoy watching the fake Wes Welker, but the high-ups need to realize that Camarillo and Welker are not number one WR's. It will never happen. Wake the fuck up.
One last thing: FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[finfan1]

There are a lot of reasons to be mad. Even though we really had no business winning this game. Matchups wise, the Texans are just better than we are. So it came down to the little things and we couldn't execute.

And agree 100% with not giving Ronnie more of a load. Any time you go up 14-3 on the road, it's time to put the entire offense on your workhorse RB. Of course, that punt return TD changed all of that. Just frustrating all around.

[Gersom]

Was I really the first?????

Take that fuckers!!! :)

One last thing: FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nonee moose]

Our pass coverage was too soft in the middle. Gave up too many first downs that way, especially late.

But it really boils down to one big mistake. How can no one be spying the QB on fourth and game?

[The Dude]

Nonee, I mentioned that exact thing in yesterday's thread. Just mind-boggling that the middle was a wasteland. We out-coached ourselves wanting to put a bunch of bodies on Johnson or Daniels. Grrrr.....

Anyway, always good to see you here in the comments, Nonee.

[Gersom]

No, no ,no I'm not done yet. Running the game through my mind again like a fucking broken Randy Travis record, it's pretty clear to me that had the team converted on some of those third downs or even taken a chance on the fourth down conversion, Schaub would not have had a career day. Their offense would not have had the chance to put up 485 yards on the D. There are chances that have to be taken to try to win the game. They were not taken. Houston has a number 1, 2, and 3 WR. We only have a number 3. Even though the DB's got burned yesterday, it was mainly because they were on the field for most of the game. Johnson is a BEAST, but he wouldn't have beat the secondary while sitting on the bench (although it feels like he could). I believe the team needs a number 1 WR above anything else this season. Will Parcells and Ireland do something about it this season? I doubt it. And that fucking sucks because this team is very close to competing for the AFC East title. They need to FIX IT!!!!!!

One more thing: FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dat RoRo Kid]

Stages of grief complete. Commence 'acceptance'.

1) We're soft in that middle zone. Seemed almost like we were up by 20 points the whole game and playing a Prevent D.

2) Ted Ginn is a piece of shit.

3) Special Teams fucking suck. Why didn't we keep Keith Davis again?

4) Where WAS the pressure? Why such half-assed blitzing all game? Saw no interesting wrinkles in the defense at all.

5) Why was Y Bell trying to make a play on a ball that would have been GAME OVER if he just got in position to knock it the fuck down. Why was he trying to catch it?

Whatever. It's obvious we weren't gonna make the playoffs this year. No way to take that leap so quickly and it's extremely sobering. I accept that we're not very good but we should have had those motherfuckers. There were some great positives as well but that was just a weird fucking game from start to finish.

/ throws up, walks away

[Coral Gables Dave]

Dude and DRK made me laugh this morning, so I guess I can go on with my day/week.

But fuck does it suck to wake up to a loss like this. I don't know what's worse: a 1 point loss or the drubbing we took against Arizona.

/would have rather watched the Sham Wow guy

[hurriphin]

new guy!! I've only been on this blog for like 5 mins. and i've already laughed out loud like six times. I love my fins, but damn the truth hurts!!

[Coral Gables Dave]

Welcome to the crazy, hurriphin.

GO CANES!!
GO DOLPHINS!!

WOOT

[Dat RoRo Kid]

Welcome, hurriphin. Enjoy the ride.

[I-have-the-best-seat-in-the-house]

Doesn't it make you feel a little bit better that the Patriots suck just as much ass, if not more?!?

[Dat RoRo Kid]

It does, but it also makes my blood boil like a goddamn vampire on South Beach that the Jets are currently rollin'.

[Tom-Ass]

We got us some fresh meat on the FN blog? Sham-wow! Welcome to our online group therapy session Hurriphin.

●Props to THE DUDE for the "...stroll in the park looking for a restroom with glory holes..." comment. Good one!

● I read somewhere that Yeremiah Bell (muthahfuckah) was yelling at Crowder for help in coverage on the QB sneak play, since Bell was trying to cover two receivers, so I understand why we were open in the middle. Still, we should have brought 5 after Cotton Schwab all day long.

● I also understand that we tried to double-cover Andre (3000) Johnson most of the day, which left the middle open for Owen (who the fuck am I) Daniels. Still, if we had rushed 5 all day, there would have been more sacks, more picks and 1 more victory for us.

● Paul (Newman) Pasqualoni should be flogged for even attempting Tom Olivadotti's bullshit "Prevent" defense from the 80s. Have we not learned enough times that it prevents you from winning???

● Gerson, I hope like hell that you opted to stay home from work today. If a coworker were to whistle too much in your presence or take the last of the coffee without refilling the pot, I'm afraid it would turn into a remake of the movie 'Falling Down!'

[hurriphin]

i'm glad to find a site where guys aren't castrated for digging on their team. I think anyone whom has had the patience to be a dolphin fan for the last decade, has well earned the right to be critical of OUR team. when OUTSIDERS criticize, I step up to bat, so fuck that!! I'm aslo privy to pointing out the few positives we got going, so there it is! GO PHINS!!

[dolfinosteel]

ATTENTION!!ATTENTION!!! ROY WILLIAMS NEEDS TO BE A MIAMI DOLPHIN AND TED GINN NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The Dude]

Hurriphin: Welcome. Thanks for stopping by. Feel free to drop a few F bombs on the Fins whenever necessary.

Tom: Thanks for the props even though it sounded kinda gay. /no homo

Best-Seat-In-the-House: You look gorgeous in green ;)

[rojowill]

I go away on a vacation and the Dolphins are in shambles. Plus, I didn't comment all week last week for fear of jinxing their winning streak. But now I'm back!

/hello?.... hello?? echo..echo..echo...

[hurriphin]

how do you guys like this 09 phins draft?:
1st-cb malcolm jenkins/osu or vontae davis/ill.
2nd-wr brandon tate/unc or darrius heyward-bey/md. or derrick williams/psu
2nd-cb mike mickens/cin. or darius butler/uconn. or domonique johnson(bigtime sleeper)/jackson st.
3rd-de/olb cody brown/uconn

[gohabs]

What pissed me off, apart from all of the above, was the fact that the Dolphins had fourth and very closely shaved cunt hairs to go twice (both in the second half I believe) and punted. Two wins and Tony's balls have fallen off. I know it's easy to play Monday morning qb, but fuck! Show some faith in your line...

[finfan1]

I like your picks. I'm not sure we'll be that high up to pick Jenkins but you never know. I do like Vonate Davis. We need big physical corners. Also, never overlook Parcells' love for linebackers. George Selvie from South Florida fits the Parcells mold perfectly.

At WR, if we can, I'd like to get Crabtree. Dude endorses this pick, no?

[Davey]

Tom, where did you read that about Bell?

Couldn't we have called a TO at that point? I mean is was so obvious the space was completely empty. God hindsight sucks ass.

[Coral Gables Dave]

This fucking makes me sick (saw it on PFT):

"It was a gamble," admitted Houston coach Gary Kubiak. "If you catch the wrong stunt inside, it can look real ugly. It parted like the Red Sea."

And Tom, who is Owen Daniels? He's a Dolphin killer that's who. He killed us last year too.

As for the draft, just get us big fuckers who can score and keep the other team from scoring!

FUCK!!!

[hurriphin]

the ravens will probaly take the first available CB. I think selvie could be gone if we pick any later than 8th.
1st. det.
2nd. cincy.
3rd. k.c.
4th. stl.
5th. oak.
6th. balt.
7th. mia.??

[Tom-Ass]

Dear Mr. Parcells,

I know you are a busy man, so I will try to make this brief so you don't miss the next start-time at the horse track or early bird special at the local all-you-can-keep-down buffet.

I am writing this open-letter in hopes that you will accept a little unsolicited advice from a lifelong fan of the Dolphins organization who simply cannot stomach another loss like we endured yesterday. Any more accidents (see also: fucking meltdown) like that and I will be forced to auction off my team loyalty on eBay. And lord knows I don't want to start cheering for some goddamn minor league soccer team in Miami featuring a chicken (cock?) for a mascot.

Look, I know that Rome wasn't built in a day, much like you didn't just wake up one morning to find you had luscious man-boobs.

Since we cannot make the defensive personnel better overnight, we should at least run a better scheme. For instance, if we know our secondary is susceptible to big-game receivers, then doesn't it make sense to say FUCK IT and rush five or more at the QB all day long? Sure, you risk more on that particular play, but no risk equals no reward.

On offense, our best and most effective QB has a noodle arm, but that's ok for now. The problem, as all of America knows, is that we have SHIT for wide receiver talent. Sure, we have been creative with the Wildcat formation (props to the whole TITS Posse), but who the fuck is afraid of our passing game?

I know you want a really TALL, YOUNG and FAST wide out, but those take at least 2-3 years to develop once you draft them. Instead, how about you say FUCK IT and trade for Roy Williams before the trade deadline? We know you aren't keen on giving up draft picks, so why not swap Ernest Wilford, Tedd Ginn AND John Beck if needed to make this happen? So far, none of those guys are doing anything except wasting roster spots, salary dollars and oxygen. Think it over. Please, I'm begging you...

Sincerely,
Tom-Ass

PS: If you don't trade for Roy Williams, can you at least send Joey Porter on a designed blitz into the Ravens sideline to cockpunch that ass-clown Cam Cameron for me???

[Tom-Ass]

Davey - ask and yee shall receive.

You asked for my source on the speculation that Yeremiah Bell was calling to Crowder for coverage help on that QB sneak play?

Here it is:

http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/sports_football_dolphins/2008/10/stock-report-ga.html

[BMR]

Dude

I first saw this site after the end of last years clusterfuck of a season and I gotta say this site keeps me from going Columbine on a whole bunch of people. This is the first time ive posted anything on here, but I'm real interested in this Roy Williams thing. Any chance of it happening????

Anyway you guys have all covered everything i thought about from our teams circle jerk yesterday, so I'll end with Fuck the Texans, the whole state of fucking Texas, and anyone who owns a pair of cowboy boots and/or a fucking cowboy hat

Go Fins!!!

[Tom-Ass]

Right on BMR!

If Jeff Ireland is truly "looking under every stone" for any possible trades or player acquisitions that will benefit our team, then surely Roy Williams is on his radar. At least, that's what I hope and pray for right now.

If we had him split out wide, imagine how effective our base offense would be. Sure, you can go ahead and shove 8 and 9 guys in the box (like we are the football equivalent of Jenna Jameson). Lets see what happens when noodle arm lobs one over the top for Roy to grab. Even more intriguing is what it does for our Wildcat (go fish) formation with him out wide.

That, to me, would be lethal!

[hurriphin]

I say we start a list of missed players who the phins have wiffed on, via the draft or free agency. I personally follow the drafts and combines and scouting ect. very closley. In the last 6 or 7 yrs. we've only drafted 1 guy I've called for, and that was ronnie brown.

[Tom-Ass]

Cockpunch delivered...

http://miamiherald.typepad.com/dolphins_in_depth/2008/10/lions-rogers-no.html

/sad

[JerryD]

We all saw WHAT happened, but HOW did they do it?

Texas had a masterful game plan, built around their strengths that would neutralize our strengths.

TX O-line is big & tough, so they spread them, forcing us to line up on them or get pinched from the side.

Our game plan was to rattle Schaub, so we had Porter take the outside speed rush the whole first half & it was fairly effective.

BUT, this opened up a 10-year hole off-guard & the Texans gashed us with the run big time ... no run success on their left as our line held their ground & pushed. We should have cheated a LB over to fill the hole, but we didn't the entire 1st half. Don't know why??

2nd Half Porter mostly bull-rushed to stop the run fairly effectively ... so they had time to pass & gashed us badly.

We played a plain-vanilla cover-2 (someone mentioned this). 2 Safties 25+yd deep & the CBs played the 'outside.'
Jesus ... there was a 20 yd seam in the middle which killed us (not the normal cover-2 5-8yd seam).

I suppose our coaches rightly figured we couldn't cover the beasts effectively & force them in the middle for Safety help.

These 2 factors were the main story. Depending on what we did, TX had their choice of a minimum 5+yd run or a 10+yd pass, but many longer.

Plain & simple, our younger, smaller, slower players couldn't match up, so they schemed us masterfully. Expect other teams to see this & spread their O-line & create these mis-matches if they have the personnel.

What they hey, we didn't have our A game, but we had our B game & played well considering their beasts & deadly scheme!!

[Coral Gables Dave]

No worries there Hurriphin. They do that here constantly. And of all the guys The Dude has called for the Fins to draft, they've selected none, even though most of those guys have become Pro Bowlers and potential Pro Bowlers.

We have a saying here: The Dude for Dolphins GM!

[Coral Gables Dave]

By the way, I think Salguero is stealing our schtick:

"Sad sigh. Groan."

All that's missing is the / at the beginning of that sentence.

/WTF Salguero???

[Brian]

What really makes any of you think we could trade Ginn? Who would take on that contract for a bum.

Two words: MICHAEL CRABTREE.

I don't care what it takes to get him.

[Tom-Ass]

Why the hell are we even concerned about the 2009 draft when we sill have 11 games to play this year? As for daydreaming about Crabtree, his ass will be gone by the time we pick. Don't beliveve me, see that the Lions are ahead of us in the draft pecking order and, God knows, they will take yet another WR...

[hurriphin]

Brilliant talent scouting by sham shameron, nick "left the phins for saken", wannstache, and co. Dolphins braintrusts are ass-ologists!

[Marc]

I've made peace with the loss. What I haven't are the questions "What the fuck makes you think about Rosie naked?", "Why?", "How often?", and "How does she look?"

That last one is for me.

[hurriphin]

looking at the schedule, with the exception of maybe denver, there isn't one "out of reach"game out there. if the team actually learns from that colonostomy in houston, then 8-8 isn't out of the question. however, if things go the traditional way of the fin--we'll get my opening season prediction of 5-11 with 3 or so games left on the table.

[Tom-Ass]

Holy butt plugs, Batman!

The Lions ARE having a fire sale!

http://www.profootballtalk.com/2008/10/14/fire-sale-in-motown/

Sham-wow!

[Brian]

I'm not concerned about the '09 draft, just yet. But the only way we get Roy Willaims is with a draft pick. I'd rather wait and use it on Crabtree.

And as for him being long gone, didn't we just lose to a winless team? I'm yet to be convinced this team isn't going to have a top ten pick.

[The Dude]

Yea, Brian. Yea.:

http://www.finsnation.com/2008/09/the-whole-chad-henne-thing.html

[JerryD]

Like the first 2 games, we made NFL-Leaders of the Opposition in two categories:

M. Schaub 379 yards
A. Johnson 178 yards

If we aren't winning NFL Weekly Awards, we're giving them. Sheesh!! Believe we're associated with weekly Offensive Awards for every game.

Coaches gotta do better & adjust, as I wrote in "HOW they did it"

[Tom-Ass]

Ok, so the whole "Crabtree will be long gone" wasn't enough. Fine, here is a more thorough list of reasons why you should not count on him wearing the orange & aqua:

1) He will be gone top-5 or top-10, for which there is too much football left this year to say where we pick.

2) Regardless if we had the #1 overall and took him, it will still take 2-3 years for him to get acclimated and polished in his craft. So, unless his name is Randy Moss, it ain't happening for a while with him.

3) If I know anything about Parcells, it is that he does NOT like using high draft picks on WRs or RBs. He feels they are all prima donnas. (see also: Terry Glenn)

[Tom-Ass]

In happier news, the annual NFL popularity contest balloting has begun. So get on out there and vote for Greg "Swisher" Camarillo, Casey Cramer and Ted Ginn (along with his family) for the Pro Bowl!

http://www.nfl.com/probowl/ballot

Every year, when the above starts up, I always think it is to early to consider such things. Then I realize that 1/3 of our precious season we collectively bitch about 24/7 is already gone. Sooner that we all realize, we will be back to bitching about the lack of football and telling dick jokes to pass the time till the draft...