FinsNation

Your New FinsNation Correspondent, Dat Roro Kid

Hi!!!

I’m Roger a.k.a. Dat Roro Kid. Apologies for the length in advance, sit back and enjoy your breakfast this fine morning but I wouldn’t get used to it if I were you. 

The Dude has graciously asked me to be a contributor here on FinsNation once we move over to the new MVN site.  The minute he asked me I absolutely jumped at this opportunity as I’ve been reading the site since the old Miami Sports Dude days and figured this to be one of the more entertaining and informative sports blogs out there. It also can’t hurt that it strictly adheres to covering the Miami Dolphins, a team/concept/extrapolation of my very soul that occupies nearly 68% of my thinking brain on a daily basis (other 32%?? Maaaan, you’re gonna find out). My single greatest hope here is to add to (what I feel) is an already outstanding site and make it even more insatiably kickass. 

In an effort to solidify our gay bond last weekend while I was in Miami, I received via Thomas Pynchon-like Tristero code an ‘order’ to meet the actual Dude. You know what? He’s handsome, well-mannered and knowledgeable about all things Miami sports – and that really pisses me off. I should be the only handsome blogger/contributor guy on this site and my mother reinforced that in me when I drunkenly visited her after my Saturday night hang out with the Dude (True story).  So I’ll say he’s completely awesome even if he does irk me with his cool demeanor, square jaw, decision to eat a Philly chicken (instead of going for the O.G. cheese steak) and his wearing of a white t-shirt under his button down – effectively negating what might have been a sicko, Hispanic, couple-of-buttons-buttoned look. In fact, here’s a photo from that meeting:

God Has Smote Josh McCown

Looks like the quarterback competition prayer-off between Josh McCown and John Beck has taken an interesting turn. A Texas TV station is reporting that McCown has injured his throwing hand in a wood cutting incident. Actually, he almost lost a finger. Thaaaaat's right.

McCown needed six stitches to the index finger on his right hand a couple of weeks ago when he was injured while he and his brother, Luke, were cutting firewood. Josh McCown told Tyler television station KETK that he was holding the firewood and his brother, a backup quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, made the mistake of cutting his finger instead of the firewood.

I've been saying all along that the QB job was going to come down to who prayed the hardest between these two. Looks like today, the advantage goes to Beck. Mormons are a mysterious bunch, what with their magical underwear and their blockbuster sequel to The Bible. Plus they have Donnie Osmond, so right there one should know not to fuck with a Mormon.

But, to be fair, I think Jesus hasn't been sure which way to go with this. Both Beck and McCown have been pretty devout. But then someone goes and does something somewhat imprudent like holding firewood while someone else tries to chop it.

So it's now clear that Jesus doesn't necessarily side with the pious but, rather, will take sides against the fucktard.

Christ.

Site News

Site News

Last week I briefly mentioned some changes would be happening here at FN. While we're still working on it, I decided to let you in on said changes.

Namely, FinsNation is expanding and joining up with Most Valuable Network LLC (MVN). MVN.com is making some big changes to its NFL coverage. They've starting a new partnership program in which they'll be hooking up with some of the top football bloggers on the Interwebs. They've asked FinsNation to be one of those sites. FinsNation agreed.

What this means for you is pretty much nothing, other than a revamped site design and a few more advertisements on the page. It'll also probably bring in a rush of new readers and commenters -- it's up to you guys to keep said new commenters in line -- and some more exposure to FN in general.

This brings me to my other announcement.

It seems FN is getting too big for just one asshole to handle. So, I'm bringing in another asshole to help out. His name is Roger. You might know him better as Dat Roro Kid. Roger's done some correspondence work for us before. And, as most of you know, is a star commenter here at FN. And, as I learned this past weekend hanging out with the man, he can consume gallons and gallons of alcoholic beverages! He also introduced me to a strange subculture of laptop “music” and people dressed as robots waiving Vote for Ron Paul signs and smashing chairs with axes on stage (don’t fucking ask).

Now, he'll be the official part-time correspondent for FinsNation (What? Have? I? Done?).

I’ve asked DRK to do something around 2-3 posts per week. The man knows his Dolphins football, and he knows his way around a good dick joke. So, I think he’s perfect for the job. Plus, this gives me a chance to be called Editor-In-Chief Chris Joseph. And that sounds pretty awesome. Chicks dig men of power.

Also, just because we're partnering up with MVN doesn't mean the content will change around here. You'll still get your fill of the dick jokes, the word FUCK and your requisite Tom Brady Is A Homo posts. Oh, yea, and Dolphins news too. Really, nothing is changing except for the look of the site and the added doucheyness of Roger (which will mean more posts to read!). So look for the new design to debut sometime in the next couple of weeks (the design dudes at MVN are still hashing it all out). And be sure to welcome DRK to the big time in the comments. Or call him a fucking faggot. It's up to you.

FinsNation Fantasy Football

Also wanted to take this opportunity to announce the First Annual FinsNation Fantasy Football League. If you want to be a part of it, drop me a line. It will be a 12-team league, so it'll be formed at a first-come-first-served basis. Once the league is formed, I'll shoot you an e-mail with all the info. It'll be a head-to-head league with a live on-line draft (probably on Yahoo! or ESPN).

Who Has An Ornery Disposition, Man-Boobs, and Is a Total C-ckpuncher?

This guy!

A solid piece on the man here by Tim Reynolds of the AP.

Parcells' focus is fully on the task in Miami. The 2008 season hasn't started, yet Parcells often finds himself planning things already for 2009 and beyond, sorting things into three categories: "musts,'' "needs'' and "wants.'' His attitude, among both players and coaches - most players, anyway - is infectious.

"They brought coach Parcells in to win,'' Dolphins quarterback John Beck says. "That's why I play football. I play football to win so when they brought somebody into win, I felt it was a great opportunity because that is what they are doing with this place. They want to turn this place around, get this place back to the way it was.''

"It's a whole different attitude,'' Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter says. "Right now, when you have a coach like Parcells coming in and his coaching staff, it's just a whole different atmosphere with the respect level that you have for Parcells. You know what he's capable of doing. He's got the fire lit up under everybody.''

That's a Parcells tradition.

The cockpunching proceeds in about two weeks.

Armando: Still Lord of the Idiots

Once again, Armando Salguero proves he is, without a doubt, a dickbag. If it wasn't for Greg Cote, Salguero would be the Undisputed Shit Tossing Champion of the World among Miami Dolphins beat writers. Alas, Cote grabbed the number one seed back from him after yesterday's massive pile of horse shit.

Today our man Arrrrrmando not only writes about the Dolphins' marketing foul up (really, dude, I don't give a shit if the Fins can't sell tickets. Build a fucking winner and that place will be a sell out every damn week. There. Marketing done.) but he also creates a meaningless firestorm over a political blurb he makes trying to be clever in showing how the Fins marketing dept. is all messed up. Now he has 50+ comments (and counting), 90% of which is a bunch of dick slapping morons yelling at each other over political issues.

The lone exception could be this comment I stumbled upon:

By reading Armando's blog every day you will come to determine that, in fact, the Dolphins are the ABSOLUTE WORST THING ON THE PLANET EARTH

Worse than the Holocaust, genocide in Darfur, the Asian Tsunami of 2004 and cancer - combined.

Posted by: Dat RoRo Kid July 09, 2008 at 09:40 AM

Fins Nation is everywhere!

Anyway, I just hope the rumors of A-Sal having his contract bought out by the ever shrinking Miami Herald are true and we can all be free to read about our Dolphins without the added nuisance of having our brain cells destroyed by the millions. What a gift to the entire world that would be. Unless it's not true. Then Armando might as well change the name of his blog from "Dolphins In Depth," to "Fuck You, Chris’s Hopes!".

The Favre-to-the-Fins Debate Has Just Begun, and Already I Want to Throw Myself Into a Cactus

              
I'm ambiguously gay!

I like poop.

Greg Cote, as only Greg Cote can do, posted a column today on how Brett Favre to the Dolphins would make sense.

Dear Brett: You may have heard. Our weather is somewhat kinder to old bones than Green Bay's. We average about one inch of light snow every 35 or 40 years down here. And don't worry about that pay cut you'd probably have to take. We lead the nation in retiree-pleasing Early Bird specials. I know that some of you out there are saying of Favre becoming a Dolphin, ''It could never happen.'' But it could, and I'll tell you why.

Then, on his blog, Armando Salguero went after Cote's piece and shot down the seemingly ridiculousness of it.

I opened my paper this morning and read why the Dolphins should go after Favre. The story concedes what most right-thinking people understand: That Favre to the Dolphins could not happen. But then it stubbornly insists, "it could." To which I stubbornly retort: No it couldn't. Really. It couldn't, wouldn't and won't. Why? Let me count the ways...

Well now. Looks like we got ourselves a good old fashioned local rag Dolphins beat-writers DOUCHE OFF!!!

OK, boys. You know the rules. We want you to say the douchiest thing possible about this douchey topic while both sounding competent and acting like you're not two sides of the same douchey coin!

Ready? Wait for it. And 3...2...1... DOUCHE IT UP!!!!

More Bloggy Goodness From Omar

Stare into the face of sexy, my friends. Stare INTO IT.

Omar Kelly is on a roll. This time he gives us his roster breakdown of the Dolphins defense.

One of the main things that stick out for me: How the new regime is looking at rookies Phillip "Longshanks" Merling and Kendall "BadMotherfucker" Langford to blossom quickly as defensive end stalwarts (lest we be held at the mercy of Matt "White Molasses" Roth).

The Dolphins need [Merling and Langford] to become not only talented fill-ins in 2008, but productive role players, if not starters in 2009.

Amen to that, Deuces. Merling will be the x-factor to watch during training camps and pre-season. He was hyped up quite a bit before he turned his penis and balls into a grappling hook (ie: hernia injury). Now we have to see if his injuries are fully healed and see if he is, in fact, as awesome as Bill Parcells thinks he is. I'm hopeful Merling will be a second-round steal when it's all said and done. Langford gives out that small-school-late-round-draftee-who-can rip-QBs-a-new-asshole-like-Jason-Tayor vibe. But that's just me.

Anyway, the whole thing is a good read. Omar's take on the linebackers and corners is especially salient, given the fragility/potential for greatness high-wire act those two positions are for us right now.

So to sum up, “Awesome” is the operative word to describe Omar Kelly and his recent blogs. As for the other Dolphins reporters, the operative word is probably “Diabetes,” except the way Wilford Brimley says it. 

On Notice....

 
Time to put some folks on notice .....

You're on notice, Omar Kelly. Your breakdown on the Dolphins and how things will shape up is just a little too good. We prefer our Dolphins reporters to be snide, condescending douchebags who make shit up just because they can. They're dicks. And we like them that way. So, buck up, Deuces. Mediocrity is just a Jason-Taylor-to-the-Arizona-Cardinals-rumor away! We're all counting on you.

You're on notice, Phil Simms. First you try to seduce me with your beady little eyes, your ebullient Kentuckian accent, and your smooth talking homoerotic in-game analysis. Now you're telling me the Dolphins will finish the season 9-7? God I love you, you glorious albino bastard!

You're on notice, Paul Pasqualoni. Because the defense is in your capable hands. Because you know how to work miracles with a 3-4 alignment. Because you have the permanent look of a guy who just walked in on his wife blowing a horse. Your NCAA record kinda sucks, so we're trusting that Parcells and Sparano knew what they were doing when they hired you away from Dallas. Now go and make Joey Porter earn his money.

You're on notice, CBS. You pulled Dan Marino from the new Inside the NFL? Now you're just begging for a cockpunch. Or have we forgotten this? Do not anger the gods, CBS. Oh, wait. Inside the NFL? Shit, I didn't realize people still watched shows that went out of style in 2001. Never mind.

You're on notice, ESPN, for wanting Brett Favre to come out of retirement more than Brett Favre does. Somewhere Peter King just spit out his Starbucks latte and exclaimed aloud, "Why didn't I think of that?!? I got a hankerin for a raspberry scone..." And for those of you thinking Favre to the Dolphins, kindly shove a beehive up your ass.

Be forewarned. The Nation has put you all on notice.

Where You Been?

I know what you're thinking.

"Where you at, Dude? This shit ain't gonna write itself, cockface!"

Well, maybe just my mother is thinking that. Still. Sorry for the lack of posting. Still working on the new-look FinsNation and all. Also, The Dudette decided to buy herself some furniture and picked out the heaviest fucking pieces she could find in the store. And then had me carry it. Just me. Never mind that she has a brother and like 15 million cousins who could lend a hand. Nah, I'll do just fine.

Anyway, as per usual nothing much happening with the Fins. Here's a piece on Jeff Ireland being a bad-ass about the whole rookie-salary cap thing. And Joey Porter promises not to suck anymore. What else can one do but take a guy who's been shot in the ass once at his word? Here's to the real J-Peezey showing up this season.

I promise the new site will be up as soon as possible. Then we can get back to the madness. Until then, there's a hernia operation with my name all over it waiting for me. Moving heavy furniture in 98 degree weather is its own special brand of awesome.

Thanks for your patience.

A Common Anger: The Continuing E-mail Adventures of The Dude & DRK

The following is an actual e-mail exchange between me (The Dude) and FinsNation star commenter Dat Ro Ro Kid (DRK) yesterday afternoon:
-

DRK: I read this and it makes me very, very angry.

DUDE: Yea, I saw that. It's so awesome being a Dolphins fan.

DRK: I think you could seriously put the monkeys from 'Project X' to run the front office with buttons on a giant console representing certain drafts picks and free agents and we'd be way better off than we are right now.

DUDE: The Josh McCown era starts soon!

DRK: (throws up in pants)
-

...And scene.

I'll just end this by once gain reiterating that we all hope Cam Cameron and Randy Mueller both have themselves a rectal accident. Like falling ass-first onto a hammer or a cactus, respectively.