FinsNation

Ricky Williams ..... Is A Miami Dolphin...

Looks like Ricky Williams and Bill Parcells have started things off on the right foot. And Parcells has already told Ricky that he's going to be Ronnie (Black Thunder) Brown's backup.

Williams said he felt he was the kind of hard-working player Parcells likes. But Williams worried his reputation for off-the-field problems had preceded him.

Instead, Williams said Parcells told him he’d share carries this season with Ronnie Brown.

“I was expecting him not to talk to me at all,” Williams told The Statesman. “I was expecting to get a letter in the mail saying I was going to be a free agent.

“I like (Parcells) more than I thought I would.”

This is good because Ricky is a solid football player as well as a fine purveyor of "Fuck Yea!" moments in recent Dolphins history. We were all very excited last season when he came back from his Canadian exile and was all set to make his triumphant return on Monday Night Football against the Pittsburgh Steelers. But in keeping with the Dolphins' 2007 slogan, We Have Shit For Luck And It Shows!, a minute into the game some asshole stepped on his shoulder and ended his season.

So I for one am glad he's back and looking fit and focused. Ricky has had more than his share of "Fuck Yeah!" moments as a Miami Dolphin. Most memorable for me was in September of 2002, when he beat the Jets after busting through bodies like Godzilla through Tokyo and sprinting for a 53-yard TD that clinched the game for the Fins. I remember bolting from my couch right after that TD and yelling, "Fuck you! And fuck you! Get the hell outta my house!" to a couple of douchey-behaving Jets fans my buddy had invited to watch the game with us. They didn't get out only because we were actually in my friend's house. But those douchebags got the message: if this was my house, then they would definitely have to go. I get irrationally overzealous, incoherent and pretty much lose all cohesiveness when I watch Dolphins games. It's a gift.

So is Ricky -- entering the season at 31 years of age and as a backup -- going to give us more memories like this now that he's healthy with a clean slate? Fuck yeah he is! Jets fans better be on their guard because I'm gonna show up and verbally kick them out of other people's houses! They cannot stop me or Ricky with conventional doucheyness. Their doucheyness has no power over us! Their doucheyness only makes us stronger!!! Bring it on, I say!

So, yea, Ricky is looking strong.

300 dollars for a ticket? Git oot, you hoser!

For decades the Miami Dolphins have had a running blood feud with AFC East rivals Buffalo Bills. But now, it seems we have a common enemy. No, not the Patriots. Not even the Jets.

It's those damn dirty Canadians!

You heard right. Canadians. Canada is right on top of us on the map. Guess that makes them our asshats. With their menacing maple leaf flag, their gay horse riding cops and this thing they call "Hockey," they're poised to take over our very precious way of life. Namely, watching football while eating a big ass cheeseburger with onion rings and barbecue sauce. Oh sure, they may seem polite, even cordial. But don't be fooled. They're all kinds of backwards up there. From speaking French to playing football on 110 yard fields and yet only featuring 3 downs instead of 4. And if that wasn't enough, did you know they're responsible for unleashing Celine Dion upon the world? Merciless cold hearted bastards! Now they want to take our beloved American football away by charging a Moose's ass for a ticket.

Sideline seats from the end zones to the 20-yard lines will cost $295 a game. Anyone who wants to sit in the lower bowl of the Rogers Centre between the 20-yard lines will pay more than $300.

The Dolphins will play the Bills in Canada on December 7th. So if you were planning to fly up there to watch the team, don't. Unless you're a complete sucker. Or you just hate America. Besides, it would appear that only those Canadians who live in three-story igloos will be able to attend this game. Forget that wall the government wants to build to keep the Mexicans out. We need a wall around Canada. As for Buffalo, they seemingly sold their soul to the evil Canadians for $78 million to make this game happen. Since we can't build a wall around them, let's just keep doing what we've always done: pretty much not take them very seriously. What's their big contribution to society? Deep fried chicken wings? Like we couldn't figure that one out for ourselves. 

South Florida Is the New Utah

Unless you want to read a riveting story on why Josh McCown thinks he'll suck less in Miami than he did in Arizona, Detroit or Oakland, there's not much going on in the news for the Fins. So, with time and space to kill, we present to you a special news brief along with some commentary that is sure to piss some people off and earn us a lot of angry e-mails. But what the hell. Here goes: Your Miami Dolphins are now the all-time league leaders in Mormons! We currently have six Latter Day Saints on our roster. Here's your Miami Dolphin LDS breakdown (feel free to consult this list when you have your All Religion Fantasy Football league draft):

QB John Beck: The original baby! He is The Mormon. And he shall lead this glorious band of fantastical six Latter Day Saints!

Long Snapper John Denney: When you're the team's long snapper, you're going to spend a shitload of time on the bench. Why not spend that time reading? Why not the Book of Mormon? Nothing makes time go by between punts like a book featuring Native Americans and Jesus!

OL Shaun Murphy: At 6-3, 330 pounds and with a buzzcut fit for a psych ward patient, Murphy is just the latest in the legion of badasses throughout Mormon history. Badasses like Donnie Osmond, for example.

LB Kelly Poppinga: Will be a special teams stalwart thanks to strong legs powered by 12 hour bike rides through your neighborhood.

Center Samson Satele: As a Samoan, he's part of the smallest racial group in the United States. But the Church of the LDS wants Mormons to have like 12 kids, so it'll all even out.

 WR Davone Bess: As long as Bess remains a Miami Dolphin, when the LDS Church leaders take their annual membership census, they'll know where they can find the black guy.

So there you go! Miami Dolphins, Mormon strong! Mitt Romney and special underwear wearers everywhere approve! And, hey... could be worse.

Your Miami Dolphins 2008 Schedule

Well, here it is. The schedule of who'll be kicking our ass and when in 2008 (home games in CAPS):

      SEPT. 7     NEW YORK JETS     1:00 P.M.          
      Sept. 14     at Arizona Cardinals 4:15 p.m.         
      Sept. 21     at New England Patriots 1:00 p.m. 
      SEPT. 28     BYE                
      OCT. 5     SAN DIEGO CHARGERS 1:00 P.M.      
      Oct. 12     at Houston Texans     1:00 p.m.         
      OCT. 19     BALTIMORE RAVENS  1:00 P.M.         
      OCT. 26     BUFFALO BILLS  1:00 P.M.      
      Nov. 2     at Denver Broncos 4:05 p.m.      
      NOV. 9     SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 1:00 P.M.       
      NOV. 16     OAKLAND RAIDERS 1:00 P.M.         
      NOV. 23     NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 1:00 P.M.       
      Nov. 30     at St. Louis Rams 1:00 p.m.       
      Dec. 7     at Buffalo Bills (in Toronto!) 4:05 p.m.      
      DEC. 14     SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 1:00 p.m.       
      Dec. 21     at Kansas City Chiefs  1:00 p.m.      
      Dec. 28     at New York Jets 1:00 p.m.

2008 Schedule Comes Out Today

Goddamn what an awesome day here in Miami! 62 degrees, a dry cool wind, not a cloud in the sky. And the Dolphins schedule comes out today.

No really. I'm going to be totally straight-forward with you, because that's the kind of guy I am. Being in Miami is fucking fantastic. Honestly. It's awesome. It's wonderful waking up here knowing that there will be no shoveling of snow today. Or any other day. The beach is 30 minutes from everywhere. The Keys just a few hours drive. It's t-shirt & shorts weather every damn day. Palm trees swaying, sun shine shining. And the women! Holy. Shit. The women! I don't mean to sound condescending or arrogant about it. Other places are nice too. But shit, it's amazing like a motherfucker living in Miami. Oh man. You have no idea.

Anyway, my point here is to let you know that I'll post the Dolphins 2008 schedule as soon as it comes out later today. Thanks.