Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Tony Sparano Punishes Fins' Lackluster Performance by Forcing Them to See Sh*tty Movie

According to Jeff Darlington's twitter, Tony Sparano has canceled practice today so that the team can go watch the new GI Joe movie together.

Sigh.

GI Joe is everything that's wrong with Hollywood. Take a shitty action movie script that had been previously turned down, rename the characters, slap the name of a popular kids show and/or comic book on it, throw in lots and lots of explosions, ridiculously improbable action sequences, and a chick with big tits, add a Wayans brother and viola! A shitty blockbuster movie for idiot preteen boys and retards the world over!

Well I guess it all makes sense now. The movie that shat on my childhood being watched by the team that's been shitting on my adult life. It's like some kind of fucked up cosmic symmetry.

Statistical Analysis Projects That Fins Should Just Pack It Up and Not Even Bother

Thanks to uber-nerds like Bill James and the dorks at Baseball Prospectus, stats in sports is now all the rage. And no other group of nerds nerd it up quite nerdtastically like the nerds over at Football Outsiders.

If you're unfamiliar with Football Outsiders, then fuck you because you're a goddamned Neanderthal with shit for brains because you're not as smart as those of us who are familiar with it. The palefaces at FO basically run through a lot of data and watch a lot of game film and then come up with statistical projections for the upcoming NFL season and publish their findings in a giant book and charge you $20.00 for it. They've even invented their own forms of analytical stats like Defense-Adjusted Value Over Average (DVOA) and Adjusted Line Yards (ALY) to formulate their projections. And according to dudes who like to pretend they're smarter than you, the annual almanac is the best! fucking! thing! ever! and the one source that should be respected above all others. So perk up, Nation, because the Football Outsiders have taken a defense-adjusted-value-over-average sized shit all over the Miami Dolphins this year:

The Outsiders, who did all the projections, came in with a projected record of 6-10 for Miami. That would put the Dolphins in a second-place tie with the Jets, and only slightly ahead of the Bills (5-11). They give the Dolphins just a 2 percent probability of winning 11 or more games. However, they also give the Dolphins an 8 percent chance of dropping all the way back to three wins or fewer. That means these Outsiders believe the Dolphins are four times as likely to go 3-13 or worse than 11-5 or better.

So might as well go ahead and plan that trip to the Canary Islands with your wife, because why bother even watching the Dolphins this year. In fact, the entire team should just say fuck it and not even show up to their games. Why should they? These are FO guys we're talking about, after all!! They're nerds! With computers!!

These are the same geniuses who told us that Kevin Jones was going to be a fantasy football juggernaut for years to come. The same braniacs who told us that Kellen Clemens was the steal of the 2006 NFL Draft. The same masterminds who told us that Brady Quinn is going to be a huge star. The same wunderkinds who told us Byron Leftwich was going to lead the Jaguars to many many Super Bowls. The same whiz kids who told us that the Patriots shouldn't have traded for Randy Moss because he was "no longer a superstar."

Take a lesson from the FO guys, kids. The ability to talk to pretty girls and knowing what a breast feels like stands pale in comparison to going through miles and miles of data, typing numbers into a machine and getting roughly about 45% of your projections correct. Now drop that beer, cancel your trip to the beach party and go get yourself a pocket protector, you fucking Cretan!!

The Robot Shall Set the Record Straight, or All Shall Perish....All Shall Perish...All Shall Perish....

 

For all intents and purposes, The Robot Chad Henne sucked last week against the Bucs (didn't they all?). And since this preseason was supposed to be all about Henne showcasing himself as the future and delving us all deeper into a meaningless "Bench! Pennington! Now!" debate, the fact that he hasn't been lighting shit up has magnified his mediocre performances. For the most part, Henne has been almost shitty. In three games so far, he's gone 9 for 35, with 224 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 2 INTs. Some dude with a pocket protector and a calculator who's never talked to a girl but is a hell of a Dungeons & Dragons player, tells me that those numbers result in a 69.2 quarterback rating, which is meh, as opposed to what we all want it to be, the ever popular fuck yes!.

His worst game was against the Bucs, where he went completely haywire and tossed an INT in the redzone and finished the night 2 of 8 for 55 yards. He was also sacked four times because his sensors failed to detect the oncoming pressure, or he just held on to the football too fucking long.

Either way, it's not been an awesome preseason for Henne. And if he's going to be the future, then he needs to stop staring down his receivers and go through his progressions. Such is the plight of a robot from the 50s. Coach Sparano, for one, is eager to see how Henne bounces back this week against the Saints.

"I kind of have a pretty good idea of what he's ready to do," Sparano said Sunday following practice. "The thing I would say to you is I'm kind of curious to see how he bounces back from a performance I'm sure to him wasn't very good. I think he wants to get out there and set the record straight."

Sparano has to be a little careful here because anytime robots from the 50s set out to set the record straight, inevitably people get their shit fucked up pretty bad. But I'm confident he'll be fine. I've hitched my bloggy wagon to Henne and believe he's the future. And I'm telling you right now, you'd better get on the Henne bandwagon too. Lest you wake up one of these days to learn that your spleen has been surgically removed overnight. Don't say I didn't warn you.

photo sent in by kick-ass reader Kurt

Weekender: Guhhhh Edition

Nearly 24 hours after the debacle that was last night's dress rehearsal, we're all doing the traditional rationalizing and acceptance that comes with the bereavement process.  That was some shameful shit.  But, the good news is that a) it was preseason and b) we still have a bit of time to work this shit out.  I'm being a bit more accepting of the '3 games in 11 days' exhaustion theory.  It can't be too easy playing in that swampy Florida heat 2 times a day and not feel some lingering effects.  Fine, fine.  The only slight issue being that the Bucs also play in swampy Florida and had only 2 more days of rest than we did.  But, I digress.

I couldn't really decide on one girl today for the Weekender so I got a shitload of Victoria's Secret models, naked, pressed up against one another in the hopes that it might bring a smile to your face or your cock.  I'm not gonna lie to you:  I'd probably give up one of my thumbs to be involved in that rugby scrum.  As a bonus, Mad Men's Christina Hendricks with the dude that plays 'Pete Campbell' on the show.  Ignore him.  Focus on the tits.

A word of advice:  Don't be like Chad Henne when you're hitting the bars this weekend, boys.  Don't stare down your 'receiver'.  Go through all your progressions at the bar and hit the best 'target'.  Right in the goddamn pusser.

Have an awesome weekend, Nation.

Curb Thy Enthusiasm

 

 How fucking badass is Bill Parcells? Badass enough that he managed to call down lightning from the heavens and put an end to the shit that was happening on the field.

The first-team offense and defense were supposed to come out of the gates, punch the Bucs in the mouth, have a sandwich and a blowjob and call it a day. Instead, they came out and proceeded to shit all over themselves with their abhorrent play. 

The first-team defense could not stop Byron Fucking Leftwich from looking like Johnny Fucking Unitas. It took the first-team offense pretty much the entire first half to convert a goddamn first down. For all their hard-hitting potential, the safeties looked absolutely lost against a pretty shitty Bucs receiving corps. The defensive line could not wrap up running backs or get enough pressure on Leftwich when it counted. And the special teams coverage unit? Holy fuckbuckets awful!

Then the lightning came. And the game was delayed for 45 minutes. And when the Fins came back on the field.... well, they still played like shit. But not total shit. So there's that.

The Breakdown:

The Bad:

-- This team has two weeks left to get their shit together before they start playing real games against teams far better than the crappy-ass Buccaneers. The run blocking needs to get better, or we're fucked.

-- The defensive front is supposed to be the strength of our D, yet they were absolutely man-handled by the Tampa offensive line.

-- I am very worried about our secondary. Yes, they can knock the shit out of anybody. But the lack of cover-speed in the safeties and the lack of experience in the corners could mean we're in for some long afternoons.

-- The special teams coverage unit sucks harder than Armando at a pool party. This was a problem early last year. Soooo what the fuck?

The Good:

-- The pass protection was sporadic all night. But when given time to throw, Chad Pennington absolutely gunned the shit out of the football. The rumors of his arm looking stronger seem to be true.

-- Brian Hartline is the tits! The tits, I say!

-- Greg Camarillo seems to be just fine.

-- Tony Sparano is not afraid to bark at dudes when they fuck up. What a far cry from the days when Wannstedt would run his hands through his hair, or when Saban would walk around with that permanent shitty "can't wait to get out of here and yell at some college kids" look on his face, or when Cam Cameron would weep. We're in good hands with Coach Sparano, Nation. I take solace in that.

A weird, ugly win. But a win, nonetheless. Like nailing Paris Hilton. Even though she's a lazy-eyed, knock-kneed Golem, you still get to tell your friends that you nailed Paris Hilton. Score!

And I don't think I've ever been that emotional during a preseason game. I mean I was in mid-season form: throwing shit at the TV, throwing my hands in the air in disgust, dropping more F-bombs than an old Redd Foxx record....  it was kinda awesome, actually.

So this is what it feels like to have expectations. Hmm......

That Was Garbage

Now look, I know it's preseason and all.  And it may just be that I'm a little drunk.

But tonight's showing by the offensive and defensive lines were straight up putrid.  I don't care what the fuck game this is but to see us getting pushed around by a CLEARLY inferior Bucs team is beyond comprehension.  I saw Jake Long getting pushed around.  Justin Smiley was pushed around with ease.  Even goddamn Donald Thomas was working off his heels.  Huge holes for Graham and Cadillac.  Channing Crowder diving into plays when the shit was way over.  This was goddamn bullshit for 30 minutes.  I recognize this was an odd game with the delay and all but we were performing even WORSE for the first 20 minutes or so. 

I'm pissed.  We should have owned these fuckers.  Instead we had to use exotic, regular season blitz packages to push them back in that mid-2Q drive.  The fuck is that?  This was our opportunity to push some guys around with nothing to play for.  Some shitass 'rebuilding' team.  We should have owned these fuckers.

I'm not happy.  I know we make a lot of dick jokes here and show some tits but that was piss poor and we're not happy about it.

A win-is-a-win-is-a-win but....Fuck!  That's not the way to do it.

Dolphins at Bucs Game Thread

Here's your game thread for the night, Nation. For those of you trapped in a well with a lap top, you can watch a live stream here. Otherwise, tune into FOX right now.

And Go Fins!

Keys To the Game - Dolphins @ Buccaneers

Awwww yea, muthafucka.

Tonight we are primetime for the whole world to see and what the world is gonna see is a rag-tag team of crazy fuckers that are NOT to be trifled with.  It's that Fin-tastic taste of what's to come tonight as our boys take on those Tampa GAY faggots with our starters playing well into the 3rd Quarter.  After that, The Robot's gonna come in and vaporize the entire field.  He'll take out about 2/3rds of their players and coaches, set that stupid stadium pirate ship on fire and then shed a tear as he is a robot from the 50s and all (hint:  they are imperfect and have feelings).  Without further adieu, let's get to The Keys.  You know them.  I know them.

• As Omar mentioned so smooooothly, which version of this $70 million guaranteed O-line are we gonna see tonight?  Are we going to see the line that pushed around a solid Carolina defense or are we going to see the sloppy play that characterized the Jacksonville game?  Will there be holes for Ronnie and Ricky to get those juicy 5 yards a clip?  Will Weapon Lex unleash his mustachioed, girthy cock onto unsuspecting Bucs linebackers??
• The WR battle absolutely needs to be kicked up a notch tonight.  Expect to see a lot of Ted Ginn.  I have a feeling they're going to hit Teddy early and often tonight and I heard the forecast calls for a swarm of killer bees in the area.  Put that bee suit on, Teddy!  Can we avoid some of the dropsies that plagued us in the Carolina game??  Seems like once Henne/White are in there and it's officially garbage time, the receivers lose a bit of their intensity and begin dropping routine passes.  We cannot stand for this aggression...man.  Patrick Turner:  I swear to God.  You LOOK like a goddamn NFL-caliber #1 receiver.  Do not make me call you out again because it won't be pretty.  I don't want to see you drop even one fucking pass out there and, for God fucking sakes, extend that huge ass body of yours and catch passes thrown to the sideline.  You big fucker.
• Will we see the continued dominance from the 1st team D?  Outside of that DeAngelo Williams fluke run last week, the D has been pretty spectacular.  Pasqualoni has pretended that the rule about not blitzing in the preseason is a passing turtle to shit on.  There's been enough looks and pre-snap movement to make my nipples hard.  I like Tony McDaniel's ability to penetrate, Cameron Wake has shown some flashes and the front 7 has looked downright nasty overall. 
• However, we need to clean things up on the back end.  I'm increasingly worried about Gibril Wilson with each game.  Does he know this defense well enough?  Is he making the right coverage calls?  Is he communicating effectively??  Even Yeremiah Bell has looked a bit sluggish.
• Speaking of DBs, this is a key game for Vontae to show us something once he's in there and prove that last week was no fluke.  I'm also hoping Sean Smith can pick up where he left off before he had the flu (*cough* Armandoisasensationalizingprick *cough*).  Plus, the battle between Joey Thomas and Nate Jones for that key nickle spot continues.  Jason Allen:  The team would like a healthy mix of extra cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms and a little pineapple for the postgame pizza party.  Thanks, bro.
• Mr Cute with Big Balls has seen limited action but he's been his usual, steady, cute, adorable, effective, consistent self.  Will be nice to see some extended time out there and see if he can hit those receivers for some good yardage chunks.
• Special Teams:  I think the competition between Carpenter and Barth is basically over.  Barth is horrible at kickoffs and, at the very least, Carpenter is a proven commodity in the kicking game and has shown a better leg on kickoffs.  However, we still need to find a decent kickoff returner and I hope they try a little Weapon Lex on the kickoffs and keep Bess on punts for now.  Fact is, that's a glamour position and we're not gonna find anyone fast enough to do that until the cuts start happening or maybe in the later rounds of next year's draft.  That is not necessarily this year's battle.  This year's battle, however, is to do a much better job on the kicking/coverage side of special teams.  Carpenter can help that by booting deeper into the endzone and our coverage units absolutely need to get better.  We need to find the right personnel to put in there.  I suggest Weapon Lex on both sides of that ball.

That's it for me.  I'm off to get drunk and enjoy the game.  I suggest you guys and sexy gals follow suit.

Score:  Dolphins 20 - Bucs 12

Why did I pick that score?  It looks really fuckin' nice and we're going undefeated this preseason. 

Go Dolphins!!

Afternoon Link Dump

The Fins are in Tampa tonight for the third game of the pre-season. DRK will be by shortly with his Keys to the Game post. It will be televised nationally on FOX at 8:00 EST. The game, not DRK's Keys to the Game post.

One thing of note: being that this is the third game of the preseason, the starters are expected to see a lot action tonight. And I'm not just talking about their post game marathon of hopping from strip club to strip club into the wee hours of the morning. Chad Pennington is expected to play until mid-way through the third. This also means a lot more carries for Ronnie and Ricky and a lot more looks for Ted Ginn. And it will be a good chance to see guys like Sean Smith play a bulk of the plays, while Donald Thomas does what he has to do to seal the starting right guard job.

A brief afternoon link dump: 

-- Edgar Thompson gives us three talking points heading into tonight's game.

-- Omar Kelly gives us the seven things he'll be looking for tonight.

-- Ethan Skolnick gives us this piece on Weapon Lex and this blog post on defensive lineman Lionel Dotson.

-- Me? I give you this picture of the mysterious Dolphin fan known only as That Girl With the Amazing Tits.

I think we can all agree that, at the end of the day, I am more awesome than Edgar Thompson, Omar Kelly and Ethan Skolnick.

Cobra Commander and Mr. T. Debate Who Should Line Up as the #2 Receiver Behind Ted Ginn

In This Week's Cobra Commander and Mr. T. Debate the Miami Dolphins: Who Should Line Up as the #2 Receiver Behind Ted Ginn?

Greg Camarillo was infirmed last year but looks healthy and ready to go this year. Cobraaa!!!!


Greg Camarillo is a zeero! Devone Bess is mos' definitely the guy. He's fast and he's got great hands. Jibba-jabba!!

Devone Bess is weak and small. I'd take Patrick Turner before I'd take Bess. He's a big target! Cobrrraaa!!!!!

Patrick Turner ain't no burner! You wanna big target? How 'bout Brian Hartline! Jibba-jabba!!

Brian Hartline sucks the chrome off Destro's cock! Cobrrraa!!!!  

 


 


 


What? Too much?

Join us next week for another installment of Cobra Commander and Mr. T. Debate the Miami Dolphins....