Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

We're Number 3! So... VOTE FOR SH*TSAKE!!! (Updated)

 

Well if FN isn't tanking faster than the Dolphins in the 4th quarter. After holding steady in 2nd place in the Sports category of the Sun-Sentinel Best of Blogs thing, we've fallen into 3rd. Only to jump back into 2nd Saturday night. Only to fall back to 3rd on Sunday. Fucking fucksticks.

So get us over the top and keep us there. Voting ends Monday morning at 10 EST.

VOTE HERE.

Tell your friends, your neighbors, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your wife, your Mom, your pastor, your dentist, your proctologist, and please someone get the President and NORAD on the phone! 

No way we end this shit with the bronze. Fuck that. It's up to you, Nation! It's up to you.

Update: Voting has closed. And last I checked (around 9:52 AM) we had gone back into 2nd. So unless some one else snuck in with one more vote, or there is some shady shit going down at the Sun-Sentinel, I'd say we did it. WE'RE NO. 2! WE'RE NO. 2! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

Weekender: F$@K YOU, UNIVERSE!

 

Well it's official. Chris Pine is living my life. Not only is he Captain Fuckin Kirk, but now he's (supposedly) dating Olivia Munn (or so reader Walter tells me). Congratulations, Universe. You win. Also fuck you, Universe!

Olivia is making a serious run as Official FN Girl. Megan brought it strong on Super Bowl Sunday with that kickass commercial.... remember that commercial about that thing? Yea. Me too. Good commercial.

Well, Olivia just wrote a book, which is very cool because she's hilarious. Plus she looks amazing in a Princess Leia bikini, which I know I've pointed out multiple times here before but thought it necessary to bring to your attention again. So that is a good excuse as any to put her up as this week's Weekender Girl. Also the fact that she wrote a book. Also the fact that her biting her lip the way she is in this pic drives me fucking bananas. Also the fact that she has awesome knockers. And also because she's dating Captain Kirk.

So, to recap: Olivia Munn drives me fucking bananas. And Chris Pine is a dickhole. The end.

Have a great weekend, Nation.

(obligatory bullshit campaigning note: The Sun-Sentinel Best of Blogs thing ends Monday, so don't forget to vote for us on a daily basis until then. You can find the link on the upper right hand side of this here page. Looks like we can cruise into the No. 2 spot behind Phinsider. SILVER MEDALS & MEDIOCRITY! FUCK YEA!)

UPDATE: Wouldn't you know it... I write a post called Fuck You Universe!, and we fall into 3rd place in the voting. So GET ON IT, NATION! VOTE!

Just Cuz

 

Stoned Birthday Dog has been definitely making the rounds these past couple of days but I had to share this for those that haven't seen it.  He's all 'heeeeyyy, man...I'm totally gonna munch up this cake/cookie/whatever thing...hehehehe'.  I have never been more jealous of a fucking dog.

As far as Dolphins-related stuff, I thought this was worth reading for a change.  Fancy fucking that! 

Weekender to come...

Make It So....

 

So Greg Bedard of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel tweeted this yesterday:

First combine buzz: Word on the street is the Dolphins will pay Cardinals LB Karlos Dansby

Fuck and yes? Fuck and yes.

Not sure how this will turn out. Or if this is at all an accurate report. But Bedard used to cover the Fins for the Palm Beach Post. Which means he might have some inside info, or someone is throwing around misinformation. Or it could mean he's just talking out of his ass. Or it could mean someone in Milwaukee is fucking with him. Because what the hell else is there to do in fucking Milwaukee? I mean, really.

Either way, it's clearly a good thing that Dansby's name and the Dolphins are appearing together. Because Karlos Dansby is the balls. You heard it here first. Dansby has stated that Miami is one of four teams he's interested in playing for. That too is the balls.

Far as I'm concerned, of all the possible unrestricted free agents to go after this off-season, Dansby is the best player available. He's a solid linebacker who has had a solid career playing in Arizona. But bring him to Miami, and I think the dude will fuck some shit up good and proper like never before. With a defensive line that was among the league leaders in sacks last season, a guy like Dansby flying around the middle wreaking havoc and blowing motherfuckers up in Mike Nolan's 3-4 mad-machinery would be everything Joey Porter was supposed to be but was not. Fuck you with a small horse, Joey Porter! Also, Dansby's only 28 and has a rep for being a play-maker. He's also a beast of a man. A converted wide receiver turned man-mauler. It would be fucking outrageous to see him in a Dolphins uniform.

Let's hope this report is accurate. And let's hope that The Ginger Cockpuncher makes this Priority One in the unrestricted FA department. If not, I'll gladly pay for an airline ticket to Milwaukee for you to find Greg Bedard and shit in his mouth. I'd do it myself but, Milwaukee??? Shit no.

KARLOOOOSSSSS!!!!!

The Miami Cardinals!

 

The National Football Post tells us that the Arizona Cardinals are about to give free safety Antrel Rolle his walking papers. Holy giant giraffe testicles, that's fantastic! The Cards owe him a shitload of money, and won't be looking to pay him that money, hence giving him the boot. And since Rolle is a Miami guy, spends his off-seasons in Miami and said he wants to play for Miami, I'd say it'd be a good idea to look into getting him into a Dolphins uniform. 

Another reason to do just that: Gibril SHITBALLS Wilson. 

Rolle is just one of three Arizona Cardinals tied to the Dolphins this off-season, along with Anquan Boldin (via trade) and Karlos Dansby (via free agency). All three could potentially become Dolphins by the spring. Unless, of course, we want to keep giving 8 million guaranteed dollars to big heaping sacks of suck like Gibril. Because that's how we rolls! 

Seriously, though, look into it, Jeff. Look long. Look hard. Fuck or walk.

Weekender: Revenge of the Doldrums

 

It's Doldrums Time again, Nation. Fuck. Still, free agency and draft talk is right around the corner, so we have that to look forward to.

Until then, we leave you with SI swimsuit model Irina Shayk. I think she might be my favorite SI model. Her ass is like a peach, and she seems to be very bendy. Like some kind of sexy spider monkey. I can paint quite a picture, can't I? 

Anyway, you can see her entire SI Swimsuit page here.

Have a great weekend, Nation. And remember to keep voting for FN over at the Sun-Sentinel. Your votes shot us to the 2nd spot in Sports, which is the balls. Also, I just found out that you're allowed to vote once a day. So feel free to vote for us every day til March 1st. 

Be safe out there. See you Monday.

 

 

Once Again, The Experts Are Cordially Invited To Dine On A Penis Or Two

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So a bunch of experts have put the Patriots and Jets ahead of the Dolphins in the AFC East. Shhhhhhhocking!!

After interviews with insiders such as CBS analyst Steve Tasker, ESPN analyst Herm Edwards, Miami sportscaster (and ex-Dolphin) Kim Bokamper and Boston sportscaster (and former Patriot) Steve DeOssie, Graham concludes that while New England might be the favorite going in, the Patriots’ window for success is getting smaller after what the New York Jets accomplished this past year, and particularly this postseason.

What these meatheaded shitsacks forget is that, while the Jets defense was very good last year, they also got a fuckload of breaks at the end of the season, starting with the Colts laying down and sitting their starters for that all-important run to go and choke away the Super Bowl. Add a few "sure-fire" missed field goals, and the Chargers getting Norved and all of a sudden, the Jets are suddenly the next Team To Beat.

Never mind that we swept their asses. Never mind that they still don't know what they have with Sanchez other than a fagstick doucher who has a fucking orgasm after every goddamn single Jets touchdown (12 TDs, 20 INTs... he's the next big thing!). Never mind that they'll be limited with what they do in the draft and in free agency (Google it). The media "experts" are all going by what they did in the post season and fuck you if you disagree because, hey, they're experts. Herm Edwards is an expert. Herm Fuckin Edwards.

Anyway, whatever. Perception will be what it is and what it will be (I'm so Existential!). This offseason is the time for the Trifecta to do something about all that shit. They've got the 12th overall pick in the draft and free agency and a shitload of needs.

It all starts with what we do with the 12th pick. And it starts with us getting a big time receiver and a linebacker who can rip heads of dude's bodies and use the neck cavity as a shitter. It comes down to Dez Bryant and Rolando McClain.  I keep going back and forth on who I'd prefer. Today I'm leaning on Bryant. Because, holy motherfuckshit look at that highlight reel!

Either way, this offseason will be the offseason the Fins go from middling team to possible contenders. It's year 3 in the Parcells/Ireland/Sparano era. Everybody's on notice. Look at the Saints this year. Look at the Steelers last year. Now go and do likewise, gents.

Fuck or walk.

Go Vote For A Dolphins Blog With D-ckjokes, Win Yourself Some Karma!

 

So apparently FN has been nominated for the Sun-Sentinel's Best of Blogs Awards. We can say with confidence that we're not going to win this thing based in large part on our fondness for pictures of giant titties and the plethora of dick jokes that pervade this place. But we'd at least like to make some noise in the Sports section. Because why the fuck not.

We're currently in 4th place in Sports but we'll settle for number two since Matt over at The Phinsider has like a bazillion readers and shit. In fact, as of this morning he's taken the top spot overall. C'mon, Matt... you're not even local, man! You're based in fucking New Jersey. NEW JERSEY for Christ!!

Well anyway, we can accept losing to Matt. He's a Dolphins fan and a big fan of FN. But there's no way in Shitsville, USA we're gonna lose to a blog about soccer. Soccer??? The fuck!?

So, we're calling on you, FinsNation Army, to come through for us in this sort of dubious and, quite frankly, arbitrary contest of no real significance!

Now here's the thing: it's a bit of a pain in the ass to vote because you have to register first. You can do that here. It requires your e-mail address, a password and telling them whether you have a penis or a vagina, because I guess that's important to the powers that be at the Sentinel. 

Then, you go here and scroll down to Sports. Find Fins Nation and vote the shit out of us for best Sports Blog. Then get on your myfaces and twatters and tell your family and friends who couldn't give a fuck to do you a solid and vote for us too.

You can also go here to vote for us as Best Overall Blog. Because how fucked up would that be?

We understand this will take a good chunk of time out of your day. So fuck it if you can't get around to it. But voting ends on March 1st, so you have time. It's important to us that we're loved and accepted by many anonymous people.

Thanks for your support. We love you. Tits.

Link Dump!

 

Not exactly a whirlwind of activity going on in Dolphins Land these days so I'm giving you Brooklyn Decker riding on top of a saddle and looking very Christie Brinkley-ish in her prime.  Uptown girl...she's been living in her uptown woooorrrld... 

• We've all read about Dansby naming his 4-team wishlist and including the Dolphins on there.  I'm going to hold off saying anything about this until free agency heats up because getting all worked up about it and losing Dansby to the Giants would be the equivalent of 9-year old me making the trek all the way to Toys R' Us to pick up that Ninetendo video game and them NOT FUCKING HAVING IT.  WAAAA!!!
• Salguero names his must haves/needs/wants wishlist for Miami in his usually derogatory and high-minded way.  Can't say I argue with his list (which really makes me want to abort my own asshole) though this is all based on what's available in the draft.  It's sooo early in the process and there are so many areas on defense where we need tried-and-true playmakers that it's just mental masturbation at this point. 
• Hey, at least we did better on special teams!  Must say our coverage unit was much improved over 2008 but those return numbers are a bit skewed by El Beekeeper's two big runs against those faggot Jets.  We still need someone in the return game that can consistently head up field and get us to the 35, 40 yard line as well as get some decent yardage in the punt game (to go along with the occasional big return).  Dexter McCluster anyone?

If there's anything else bouncing around out there, bang away at the comments. 

Weekender: Valentine's Day Edition!!!

 

 Ah yes, the Doldrums have commenced in earnest.  Another week passes light on news as we enjoy the inevitable release of Joey Porter today, trade whispers aplenty regarding high-priced, high-caliber players like Wilfork and Boldin earlier this week and we slowly march our way towards the ever-important Combine.  The Dude's computer is dead (or is it???) and I may as well be.  But fear not, brave FN readers:  there is hope on the horizon and our city of dick jokes and boobies on a hill will soon reveal itself once again.  The jizzy waters of dickjokery will flow and Dolphins rumors/hearsay will once again flourish in that rich, blacksoil Earth of bullshit. 

Sometimes doing the Weekender is such a chore - mostly because I have to do it at work where I don't have a whole lot of time or available websites not blocked by powerful, omniscient organizations.  So, after trying and failing a number of times, you're getting Katy Perry looking classy and fuckalicious.  Believe me, I tried to get something sluttier but it was just not happening.  We'll make it up to you with the next slut.

Anyway, here's to hoping you have a special lady friend you can flail away on top of and she does the same to you.  Ladies: PLEASE do your man the favor of - at least for this fucking weekend - get your lingerie/underwear game TIGHT.  Buy something new, get a hot matching set, anything!  Give that motherfucker something to SMILE about.  Ain't no shame in the sex game, particularly on Valentine's Day, when the freakiest of deakiest sex should be transpiring.  Guys: make that woman WANT to fuck the shit out of you.  Be suave, get her something nice, take her to a NICE restaurant, don't say anything stupid, tell her she's beautiful and fawn all over that bitch.  Falsely lead her to believe that your disgusting manself is worth it (I seriously don't know how ladies even LOOK at us; we're hideous!).  If she's a smart one, she will reward you by fucking your brains out your goddamn nose.

Have a great weekend, Nation, and may you jizz / orgasm your sweet little hearts out.