Hello? Testing…testes…other jokes from 25 years ago…is this thing still working?
HEY GUYS…SOOOOO, LIKE, WHAT’S UP??!?! How was your summer? Tell us all about it!!! Mine’s been really shitty and morbid and gloomy and sunny all at the same time in a delicious array of fuckedupness!!! But, hey, that’s just life. And life fucking sucks. Especially if you’re a Marlins fan. But, wait…what is this…..
MIAMI DOLPHINS TRAINING CAMP STARTS FRIDAY?!?!?!
Yup! It sure does!!! And while it will be undoubtedly mired in mediocrity and banality the likes of which would no doubt launch the late Bill Hicks into a blood curdling tirade, it’s still fucking Miami Dolphins football and that’s slightly better than NO Miami Dolphins football*. SO FUCK YEA!!!!
/ guitar solo, hi-fives a shark, impregnates 87 women at once, detonates building filled with Jets fans
You want story lines?? WE GOT EM!
QBs? We have 2 shitty ones and one guy that may or may not be overrated-but-we-needed-to-take-a-QB-in-the-first-round-for-fucking-once-so-okay-we’ll-take-him! YES!!! Fins up! WHO WILL WIN: The shitty white puppet QB that sucks in practice but lead us to 6 meaningless wins last season or the black guy who can’t run anymore and everyone hates?!?! WHO FUCKING KNOWS!
We got Chad Johnson. NOOOOO. Not Ochocinco, ya big silly! And he’s 34 and he supposedly has no good first step anymore and he barely played more downs than YOU last year for the Pats, but he’s colorful and WEEEEE GOT HIM! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Hard Knocks is filming us because what better way to let everyone know nationally that doesn’t know already that our team is actually run by a troop of baboons! Can’t wait to see Jeff Ireland act all Jeff Ireland-y and be Mr. Huff and Puff about the way he thinks. Yes sir! I’M THE BIG GM NOW, DADDY! I MAKE BIG DECISION! BRING ME FEINGA! I CUT HIM..SEEEEEE? WAAA! *knocks over G.I. Joes, crosses arms, pouts*
MOAR SMITHOLOGY AND VONTAE SEZ
Ryan Tannehill, Michael Egnew and
Olivier Vernon remain unsigned. One of those guys is actually worth signing right fucking NOW. BUT GINGER HONEYBADGER AIN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR SIGNING DEADLINEZZZZ.
Is Philbin Cam Cameron Redux??? I don’t knoooow but we’ll find out!
More storylines to come but we gotta get back to work!
All sarcasm aside, we’re excited as fuck for the season – mostly to entertain you guys and enjoy the ridiculous discourse we share here. It’s honestly the best part about this football team right now and that is both incredibly amazing and very very sad.
The 6th season of FinsNation starts…NOW.
/ cues ‘Tobacco Road’ by the Nashville Teens
// leans back in chair
/// takes sip of 600 yr old scotch
*subject to change around October