FinsNation

Travis Daniels Traded to the Browns

The Fins traded Travis Daniels to the Browns today for an undisclosed draft pick. Daniels was a fourth-round pick back in 2005. Daniels had himself a solid rookie season, but then promptly turned into a liability.

Daniels, 25, bottomed out last season, when he routinely gave up big plays and seemed to lose his confidence. Daniels allowed an average of 10.9 yards per completion in 2007, ranking among the worst in the NFL.

Not only that, but according to Armando Salguero, the Browns had inquired about getting Michael Lehan ahead of Daniels but the Dolphins said no.

Cleveland wanted a dude with a severe ankle sprain over Travis Daniels. Bill Parcells said no, because he wanted a dude with a severe ankle sprain over Travis Daniels. Is it me, or has every move made by Nick Saban turned into a hardy bowl of slow simmered shit stew? 

-The DUDE

Actually, This Pennington Thing Could Turn Out To Be a Good Move, Maybe

When I heard the Fins were thinking of bringing in Chad Pennington, my first reaction was not unlike someone undergoing a rectal exam with a table spoon. We have become the highway rest stop for has-been injured QBs who've been thrown away by their old teams. And it had delivered one giant heaping wad of shit after another. So here's Pennington, coming off a terrible season with a shoulder injury. But that didn't stop Parcells' pants from bulging when he heard Chad was free. Nor did it stop Parcells from making the call to Pennington's agent.

So here we go again, I thought. Just one more shitty re-tread QB to add to our fantabulous collection. But then came Saturday. And I saw Chad Henne and his potential and, I must admit, I got a bulge in my own pants. It's just one game, but I'm pretty sure we finally found our franchise QB. And what does Henne need other than to be constantly oiled and have updates installed into his hard drive? He needs a dude to teach him while he sits and waits for his turn. And who did he have to teach him? Josh McCown.

If Pennington sucks, then McCown sucks with extra MSG. Coming into Miami, McCown had the experience of a journeyman QB. So it seemed natural for him to be the bridge to the future. Sadly, he also apparently has the IQ of a shoe. Also, McCown is also not a very good quarterback. He stumbles around in the pocket like a moose that's been shot with a tranquilizer dart. He also tends to panic when the pressure is on, causing him to just heave the football like it's one of those ACME cannonball bombs in the old Looney Tunes cartoons. This was the guy slated to teach The Robot the ropes of NFL stardom.

Had Pennington been available before we signed McCown, then I think I wouldn't have been as angry if we had signed him then. Sure he's 32 and damaged goods. Sure he has the arm strength of a baby spider monkey. But he's exactly what this team needs right now, I think. A guy who knows how to move an offense, and a guy who seems to have no ego whatsoever. He seems to relish the mentor role and he seems like he's not a dick, which is always good. Plus, my Mom thinks he's just too adorable. So there's that. Yes, Chad Pennington will do just fine.

That is, until he gets sacked in the first game of the season and then has to miss 6-to-8 weeks.

Until then, I approve of Chad Pennington.

Ah, but what about Mr. T. you ask?

Well then there you go.

-The DUDE

Breaking: Chad Pennington is a Dolphin

Well, that didn't take long.

The Dolphins have signed former Jets QB Chad Pennington. It's a two-year deal worth $11.5 million.

Gut reaction: Meh, whatever the fuck. It's not like we've never been down this road before.

More reactions to come later. It is Friday night, after all.

Your thoughts below, if any.

-The DUDE

Yea, Please Don't

Bill Parcells' Pavlovian dog-like reflex whenever one of his former quarterbacks suddenly becomes available just kicked up a few notches this afternoon. Chad Pennington will be released by the Jets today. Mantits drafted Noodlearm 18th overall in the 2000 NFL Draft (181 picks before Tom Brady!) back when he was coaching New York. And so, the inevitable.

I just e-mailed 12 university experts about this subject. And 11 out of the 12 said the proper response here would be pure unbridled indignation mixed in with a dash of apprehension. So just go with that.

-The DUDE

Big Tuna on HBO's Real Sports

I watched Bill The Cockpuncher Parcells’ appearance on HBO’s Real Sports Tuesday night – all of two times – to bring you this special FinsNation report. Seeing as many of you probably don’t want to shell out the extra $10 or so for HBO per month so you can use it on two more 6-packs of Natural Ice or 10 delicious medium unbreaded wings from Flannigan’s, I thought I owed it to you all to parse on his interview with Andrea Kremer.

Based on a prior interview with 60 Minutes and an excellent piece on him from The New York Times several years ago, I was actually looking forward to this interview as I’ve been a fan of Parcells for some time now, years before his (inevitably brief) tenure with us. Let’s fire away with some bullet points:

•    In his 66th year, Parcells is looking downright horse-y. He must certainly feel a physical kinship with the ponies he loves to watch.
•    Incidentally, he says he can’t think of a nicer place in America during the summer than a horse ranch in Saratoga, NY at 6am. I, on the other hand, can think of approximately 68,935 nicer places in the Continental U.S alone.
•    He likens his current position with the Dolphins to being a “guidance counselor.” I don’t remember my guidance counselor picking my school, professors and classes when I was in high school. In fact, he didn’t do much of anything! Why didn’t you think of trading Jason Taylor for draft picks, Mr. Foster, you horsecock?!
•    Parcells admits that what made him quit coaching was after Tony Romo flubbed the field goal snap in that playoff loss to Seattle a couple of seasons ago: “I didn’t want to go through that process again. Too much blood.”  Sooooooo thank you for completely fucking up the most mundane play a quarterback can make during a game, Tony Romo!
•    Worth the time invested in watching alone: Old clips of Parcells absolutely ripping on players, including him telling kicker Matt Bahr to “throw up on your own time.” I wish I dated Parcells' daughter so I could get that kind of verbal abuse during a friendly game of Marco Polo at a family barbecue.

DRK: Marco!
Parcells: (wandering around the snacks table) Polo.
DRK: Tuna outta water!
Parcells: Go fuck yourself, son.

Dolphins Trade Jason Taylor To The Redskins

The Jason Taylor era in Miami is over.

Fox Sports is reporting that the Dolphins have traded JT to the Washington Redskins for a second round pick in 2009 and a sixth-round pick in 2010.

Update: The Dolphins have confirmed the news.

Who Has An Ornery Disposition, Man-Boobs, and Is a Total C-ckpuncher?

This guy!

A solid piece on the man here by Tim Reynolds of the AP.

Parcells' focus is fully on the task in Miami. The 2008 season hasn't started, yet Parcells often finds himself planning things already for 2009 and beyond, sorting things into three categories: "musts,'' "needs'' and "wants.'' His attitude, among both players and coaches - most players, anyway - is infectious.

"They brought coach Parcells in to win,'' Dolphins quarterback John Beck says. "That's why I play football. I play football to win so when they brought somebody into win, I felt it was a great opportunity because that is what they are doing with this place. They want to turn this place around, get this place back to the way it was.''

"It's a whole different attitude,'' Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter says. "Right now, when you have a coach like Parcells coming in and his coaching staff, it's just a whole different atmosphere with the respect level that you have for Parcells. You know what he's capable of doing. He's got the fire lit up under everybody.''

That's a Parcells tradition.

The cockpunching proceeds in about two weeks.

Bill Parcells Open to Having JT Back

 
Perhaps there's more to Bill Parcells than meets the eye. Perhaps old age has softened him up a bit. Perhaps he realized that all this bickering with Jason Taylor is just a pointless and needless distraction.

Or perhaps Parcells reads FinsNation and was swayed by my eloquent counterpoints on why he was in the wrong, and was moved to take action. Because, deep down, he knew I had made some pretty good points. Like when I called him a fatass cocksucker. I can be very articulate and persuasive. It's a gift, really.

Gatorade Would Like to Invite you to Slap Balls with Bill Parcells

Someone from Gatorade sent me an e-mail asking me to pass this along to you guys. And although Gatorade isn't paying me shit, I'll pass it along anyway because that's the kind of guy that I am. And also because I dig Gatorade. Except for that light blue Hawaiian flavor. I'm not drinking anything that looks like Windex. Besides, my friends are just dickish enough to make the concerted effort of replacing the Hawaiian flavor with actual Windex while I'm not looking. Assholes.

And now they've got those AM flavors where Kevin Garnett delivers it to Peyton Manning like a morning milk man from the 1950's. Gatorade for breakfast? That's just gross. What the hell, Gatorade? I get it. It quenches my thirst. I don't need to be drinking that many carbs morning, day and night. Jesus, enough already with the 300 different flavors and forcing that shit down my throat all the live-long day. Orange, yellow and red. That's it. That's all Michael Jordan required. That's all anyone should require.

Otherwise, it's a fine product. Oh, and they're also responsible for the all-time greatest commercial ever. Anyway, I'll just let the e-mail do the talking:

Parcells Asking for a First-Round Pick for JT?

According to something called the Florida Times-Union, Bill Parcells is reportedly asking for a first-round pick for Jason Taylor.

"Parcells is unhappy that Taylor is skipping the offseason program to, among other things, perform on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. And even though Taylor likely will retire before the Dolphins become a contender, Parcells won't trade him unless he receives a first-round pick. Nobody is going to give up a first-round pick for a 34-year-old defensive lineman. So Parcells' stance is that Taylor will play for the Dolphins or retire."

A first-round pick, you say? Mind you that the column sites no sources and quotes no one in the Dolphins' front office, yet this is printed as fact anyway. My theory is that what this Florida Times-Union article presupposes is that you're a fucking moron. I defy you to come up with a better explanation.