FinsNation

2007 Dolphins Predictions: 2007 Season

Time to put my balls out there and make some predictions for the 2007 season. Because that’s what bloggers are supposed to do. Put their balls out there. But not literally because that would just be weird.

FN’s 2007 Miami Dolphins season predictions.

2007 Dolphins Predictions: 2007 Season

Okay, let’s re-cap. Dave Wandstedt and his insipid mustache have shipped off to Pittsburgh where they continue their wild-n-crazy adventures in the world mediocrity. The Nick Saban era was filled with bad drafts, horrible trades, deceit and general All World dickishness. So now we start the Cam Cameron era. No mustache on him. And he’s not a dick. So far, so good. And while his first draft remains a source of controversy, the guy is all about family. He drafted Ted Ginn and the Ginn family. He traded for Trent Green and the Trent Green family. So far, no such luck in bringing a Pro Bowl caliber offensive lineman or two and their families. But we can’t have it all, now can we?

So far, I like Cam. Hey, I love families. I’m all about the families. I'm pro family. I just hope all this family crap translates to winning. That's all.

I like where the Dolphins franchise is headed. I like John Beck a lot. I like the additions we’ve made. I like that we have a coach and GM who are on the same page. But that might be all well and good for 2008 and beyond. Right now, for 2007, I’m not optimistic at all.

To my surprise, I’ve read a lot of positives about the 2007 Dolphins from different bloggers and news sites. Some of my buddies are pretty excited about the new season as well.

“This year’s gonna be different.”

"Really? Why and how?”

"It just will be, trust me."

But I don't trust him. I don’t trust 37 year old Trent Green. I don’t trust our receiving corps of old man Marty Booker, Butters McGee Chambers, and Derek Hagan the Horrible. I like Ginn but he’s a rookie. Above all, I do not trust our offensive line.

There are some positives to consider. Cameron’s play-calling will be vastly superior from anything we’ve seen since … well … since Don Shula. And Green is much better than Captain Ahab, Deer In Headlights, Captain Blue Skies and Colonel Noodle Arm. And then there’s Ronnie Brown. Plus, the offensive line can’t possibly be as bad as they were a year ago, can they?

So who's to say I won't become enamored with the 2007 offense? There’s at least some reason for hope this year. We no longer have a defensive-minded know-it-all running things. And Mike Mularkey has been relegated to Instant Replay Review Guy, which of course is the most appealing attribute to this year's offense. And the O-line seemed to have played better towards the end of the pre-season.

So I can see why some Fins fans, bloggers and columnists are optimistic about this season. And, believe me, I would love to be as optimistic as they are. But this weighty, self-conscious mixture of cynicism and cold hard reality keep bludgeoning me in the skull. The desire for optimism is there. The football geek inside me won’t permit it.

Here are the facts:
1.) No matter how much of an improvement Green is, he’s still a huge question mark. He’s a QB on the decline and is no longer playing behind the kind of protection he had in KC.
2.) The offensive line has way too many questions. Yes Carey and Satele have been solid. But the rest of the line is very shaky and are one slight hamstring pull from utter disaster.
3.) The receiving corps has too many holes. Booker is on his last legs, Chambers can be great one week and completely disappear the next and Ginn will have his rookie struggles more often than not.
4.) Tough schedule. The first half is not too bad and the Fins could conceivably go 6-2 in their first 8 games. But the second half of the season is brutal. And at least one of our division foes is going to sweep us this season (that one is a hunch, not a fact).

The saving grace, again, will be the defense. JT, Zach, J-Peezey and company are going to be a force to be reckoned with. And I think Matt Roth is going to have a breakout season. This team will live and die with its ass-kicking defense. Same as it ever was.

So, the Fin fan within me will continue to throw shit at the football geek within me. Because the Fin fan is all heart and passion while the football geek is a pompous, know-it-all douche bag.

2007 Miami Dolphins season prediction: 7-9, 3rd in the AFC East, No Playoffs

2007 Dolphins Predictions: Trent Green

Time to put my balls out there and make some predictions for the 2007 season. Because that’s what bloggers are supposed to do. Put their balls out there. But not literally because that would just be weird.

FN’s 2007 Miami Dolphins season predictions: Trent Green

What an amazing trade we made! Trent Green. Wow. Call the cops. Randy Mueller just robbed Carl Peterson like a German tourist lost in downtown Miami. Super Bowl here we come! This is going to be a … uh, what’s that? Huh? Oh. This isn’t the year 2000. Right. Forgot. My bad.

Ok. Then let’s look at what the 2007 Trent Green model has to offer.

2004 was a very good year for Trent: 4,591 yards, 27 touchdowns and 10 INTs. A 66.4 completion percentage. Sweet. If we can have Trent Green v.2004, then we’ll be in outstanding shape. Especially with our defense.

2005 Trent Green: 4,014 yards, 17 touchdowns, 10 interceptions, 62.5 completion percentage. Okay, not bad. I like the second-straight 4,000 yard season. But that’s 10 TDs less and 7 INTs more than a year ago.

2006 Trent Green: First game of the season gets knocked out with a very severe concussion. But he comes back to finish the season and plays the last 8 games. 1,342 yards, 7 touchdowns, 9 interceptions.

So the 2007 Trent Green arrives at 37 years old and a season removed from being severely concussed.

The conclusion on Green is simple: Even before he suffered the concussion, he was a quarterback on the decline. Partly because of age, partly because of wear and tear. But even as a young buck, the guy was an INT machine. Maybe playing under Cam Cameron’s system will give him a little extra oomph. Like Viagra for a horny elderly dude. But Green is basically running on fumes and last year’s concussion was just the beginning of the end for him. What we’re getting in our quarterback is yet another cast-off. Someone else’s discarded 8-track player. And playing behind this patchwork offensive line is not going to help matters. So… sorry grandpa. Put your pants back on. It’s not going to happen tonight.

What will help is if guys like David Martin and Chris Chambers can become reliable receivers, and if the offensive line falls into place. In other words, we need an honest to goodness, Mother Mary’s face on my burnt waffle miracle here. (Help us Obi Wan Satele. You’re our only hope) Then Green can easily top 3,000 yards, which would be ideal. What else would be ideal is if he stopped throwing the ball to the other team. But now I’m just the fat Swedish boy in the candy shop with chocolate stains on his mouth asking for another Milky Way, aren’t I?

Trent Green is a decent enough QB. He’s a great leader and has tremendous presence. And he fills me with a lot more confidence than a Captain Ahab running Daunte Culpepper or even the permanent deer-in-the-headlights look on Gus Frerotte. But facts are facts. Green’s in the twilight of a see-saw career. This elevator only goes down.

What I hope to see is a solid mistake-minimized season. What I hope doesn’t happen is Cam being forced to start Cleo Lemon because of bad play by or injury to Green. Outside of that, I want this to be a one year deal. Warm up the pilot’s seat for John Beck, Greenie. Then off ya go. Hey don’t feel bad for the guy. Have you seen his wife? No Viagra necessary.

2007 Prediction: 507 attempts, 289 completions, 3,028 yards, 14 TDs, 16 INTs

2007 Dolphins Predictions: Ronnie Brown

Time to put my balls out there and make some predictions for the 2007 season. Because that’s what bloggers are supposed to do. Put their balls out there. But not literally because that would just be weird.

FN’s 2007 Miami Dolphins season predictions: Ronnie Brown

I love me some Ronnie Brown. I think he’s the tits. Sure, he’s yet to show us he’s deserving of that number two overall pick in the 2005 draft. But I’m convinced there’s a star workhorse running back somewhere inside him. Cam Cameron wants us to think he’s not so convinced. But how can he not be? Ronnie has ideal size and pass-catching abilities you want from a 230-plus pound running back. He is capable of 4.48 speed (ideally fast for his size) and he’s built *blam!* Ford tough. I think Cam pulling his whole Ronnie returning kicks/Jesse Chatman might be the starter shenanigans is just an old-school way of trying to light a fire under Ronnie’s ass. Because c’mon… Jesse Chatman? The only way you’ll get Jesse Chatman to run faster and better than Ronnie Brown is to dangle a Big Mac over his facemask like a farmer dangles a carrot over a mule.

We shake our heads and wag our finger whenever we see some promising young quarterback lose his mojo when he’s forced to start behind a terrible offensive line and throw to crap-the-bed receivers. Then we throw our hands up in disgust wondering “what if” for that poor, poor soul. What if he had better protection? What if he had better receivers? Now we’ll never know because his psyche is shot, blah blah blah… So why can’t we say the same for someone like Ronnie?

In his two seasons as a Dolphin, the guy has never had a steady offensive line, never had a good quarterback and never had stretch-the-field receivers to help his cause. Bottom line, a running back is only as good as his offensive line. Larry Johnson, LaDanian Tomlinson, Edgerrin James (with the Colts), Marshall Faulk all had either a great offensive line or great QB/WR or both. Brown has never had any of that. And unless LJ Shelton and Rex Hadnot are suddenly and mysteriously each bitten by radio active spiders, that’s not about to change in 2007.

The one thing that will help Ronnie is if Trent Green can finally bring some stability to the offense. Plus having Chatman take some carries will help too. The NFL is a two-back league and Brown seems to play a lot better when he has a capable battery mate with him the backfield (see Cadillac Williams, Auburn & Ricky Williams, 2005).

But in the end, I think the offensive line will once again let him down. And the moron Dolphins fans who cannot think or speak intelligently or rationally will again start pulling the “Bust” card out on Ronnie on the message boards. (Friggin morons. You are the Fredo of this Dolphins family. And one day, I will have you go out fishing on the lake behind the house)

However, I do have this nagging feeling deep down in the core of my being that Ronnie’s gonna surprise a few people this season. Or maybe I just need to fart. I guess we’ll see.

2007 Prediction: 247 carries, 1,178 yards, 8 TDs

2007 Dolphins Predictions: Chris Chambers

 

Time to put my balls out there and make some predictions for the 2007 season. Because that’s what bloggers are supposed to do. Put their balls out there. But not literally because that would just be weird.

FN’s 2007 Miami Dolphins season predictions: Chris Chambers

We’re a long ways away from 2005, sunshine. Remember 2005? Back when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were going to be together forever, gas prices were at a mere $4.42 per gallon and that chick from No Doubt started acting like she’s black. Dolphins receiver Chris Chambers had himself a Pro Bowl season then, catching 11 touchdowns and 1,118 yards.

Then 2006 rolled around, and he went the way of the shitter. 677 yards and only 4 touchdowns for the season. And let’s not forget all those dropped passes. Oh, those dropped passes. Here’s the reality on Chambers: He’s a good receiver. But he’s not great. And he’s not what you’d want from your offense’s number one receiver. His dropped passes and occasional bad route running make him decent, at best. But decent doesn’t cut it in my aqua and orange neighborhood, buttercup. Yes, a lot of the blame should be placed on the quarterbacks and offensive line last year. But 94 passes that were intended for him last year went incomplete, which led the league. The reasons for those incompletions are threefold: Chambers running an incomplete route, Chambers getting jammed by opposing secondaries, Chambers dropping catchable passes. Somewhere along the line, Chambers has to take the blame for Chambers.

What he does bring is the occasional acrobatic play. Chambers is a tremendously gifted athlete. He makes some amazing leap off your couch shout like a banshee and smack yer mamma in the ass highlight-reel catches. But they’re too few and far between. Can he do better with Trent Green at the helm? How can he not? Only a season-ending injury can make him any worse than he was a season ago. But even with Green onboard, I don’t see Chambers returning to his 2005 form ever again. He’s not that kind of receiver. Hell, if you believe what NFL Network’s Adam Schefter says, Cam Cameron and Randy Mueller don’t think he’s that kind of receiver. Either way, drink up Chris Chambers and enjoy him as much as you can this season. Because it’s his last as a Dolphin.

2007 Prediction: 60 receptions, 842 yards, 6 TDs 

Not Looking Forward to Brett Favreh's Cheap Record-Breaking Ways

As the 2007 NFL season approaches, there are certain things I’m looking forward to. A new Dolphins season under new leadership. Pizza, burgers, hot wings and an assortment of other crap I plan on stuffing myself with (washing it down with Heinekens, Sam Adams and the occasional Coke) while watching games on Sunday afternoons and Monday nights. Fantasy football. Cheerleaders. And hanging out with my boys.

One thing I’m not looking forward to is Brett Favre. Favre stands to break a few of Dan Marino’s most illustrious records this season, including the grand daddy of 'em all: career touchdowns.

Favre has hijacked his team, hijacked the Packers fan base and hijacked Aaron Rodgers’ career. All for the sake of dragging his tired country-fried, deer killin' ass back and scraping through another interception riddled season just so he can break Marino’s records.

While Peyton Manning will eventually own the record book, it’s just a tad annoying knowing that someday Marino will sit at number 3. Even more annoying will be the constant verbal blowjobs Favre will receive when he breaks the records from the likes of John Madden, Peter King and all of Bristol, Connecticut.

I wrote Favre a letter on my old blog last year. As a Dolphin fan, and as a Marino-worshipper, I figured to be a little bit biased about the whole thing.

But apparently, this Packer fan feels the exact same way I do about this whole travesty.

As the time comes near to Favre breaking the records, you can be sure that I’ll be venting here. I hope you’ll join me.

Until then, I’ll be holding my breath with the rest of America until Favre has another press conference where he tells us he’s not retiring. Again.

Ugh. Go shit on a wild boar, Brett Favre.

(thanks to Banyantree for the link)

Shannon Sharpe Doesn't Like the 2007 Dolphins

Network analysts' off-air predictions for the 2007 Dolphins

CBS' Shannon Sharpe said this about the 2007 Miami Dolphins: "It's a 6-10, 7-9 team. Trent Green is not who he was [before last year's concussion]. Going from Randy McMichael to David Martin is a step down -- Martin drops easy passes.''

Ok horseface. Here’s the thing. McMichael was ranked 22nd of 24 tight ends in proportion to dropped passes last year. David Martin is an upgrade. Captain Hook would be an upgrade to that Vaseline lathered, wife-beating assbag.

Now close your mouth before your inexplicably large tongue accidentally kills somebody.

Phil Simms Doesn’t Like the 2007 Dolphins

Network analysts' off-air predictions for the 2007 Dolphins

CBS' Phil Simms said this about the 2007 Dolphins: “They don't have enough stars. I've never known skill players to have seasons that exceed the quality of their offensive line. You need at least two guys in the top group of NFL linemen. Right now, they don't have any. They have a pretty good defensive front seven, but is it the Baltimore Ravens? Is it shut down? Probably not. If they're a fringe playoff contender, the fans should see it as a tremendous job by the coach.''

Congratulations, Phil Simms! The NFL is now 75% gayer!* While your boy Chris has his college buddy’s name tattooed on his ankle, you’re considered the second half of the most homoerotic play-by-play team in the NFL. Also, Ryan Seacrest is now a part of the NFL, so he’s doing his part to contribute to the added gayness in a big way.

Oh, and your color commentary... kinda shoddy. Which is like shitty, except with an 'o'.

And a 'd'.

*Not that there’s anything wrong with that

Jimmy Johnson Doesn’t Like the 2007 Dolphins

Network analysts' off-air predictions for the 2007 Dolphins

Fox's Jimmy Johnson said this about the 2007 Dolphins: “Miami will be coached better but losing Wes Welker will hurt their offense. They are No. 3 in the division and will miss the playoffs.''

Wes Welker? Allow me to run a few names by you, if I may. Yatil Green? John Avery? Karim Abdul-Jabbar? Lawrence Phillips?… shall I go on? Go shit on a tarpon, Jimmy Johnson.