FinsNation

How To Be a Pro Bowler in 10 Easy Steps, by Steve Fifita

Sup. Steve Fifita here to tell you how you can become an NFL Pro Bowler. I've never been there myself, but take it from me. I know. And knowing is half the battle 'n shit. First, eat a lot of honey glazed hams. Not so much because they help you become a better football player in as much as they're just delicious. Then, run 5.15 seconds in the 40 yard dash. That's most likely due to the ham so don't worry about it. Nothing a good long shit can't take care of. Then, sign with the Miami Dolphins as an undrafted free agent. Then, get waived. Eat more ham. Try out with another NFL team like the Vikings or some shit. It doesn't matter because the Dolphins will re-sign you anyway. Re-sign with the Dolphins. Play up to your most mediocre standards as possible. Hey, you're a Miami Dolphin, so it's cool. Get waived again the following off-season. Then, sign with the Patriots six days later. Bingo. You're on your way to the Pro Bowl, bitches! And that's how you get to be a Pro Bowler in ten easy steps. Don't forget the part about the honey glazed ham. That's key. That and playing for the Dolphins and then going straight to the Patriots afterwards. But it's mostly about the ham, in my opinion.

You Smell That?

"The Dolphins spent the past two weeks finalizing a draft board. Ireland and Parcells met daily, sometimes several times daily, to discuss players and strategies with the goal of doing what is best for the team while also avoiding disagreements during the draft. 'He brings a great history of players that he has drafted, guys he's seen have success and, like the question was asked, `How much do you draw from your misses and your hits?' Well, he's had some misses and a lot of hits in his time so you draw from those experiences,' Ireland said."

You smell that? Do you smell that? Draft day, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of a good lateral movement and forty-time in the morning. You know, one time we had a kid named Lawrence Taylor, for twelve years. He led us to two Super Bowl championships. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know, that prospect smell, the whole draft. Smells like … victory.

How’re you feeling, Jeffy?

Like a mean motherfucker, sir!

Justin Smiley Has Something Up His Ass

Alright, Smiley. What you got?

What do ya mean coach?

Your ass is bigger than usual today. And if there's one thing I know, it's big asses.

Oh that. Meh. I just been putting gravy on my porkchops lately. That's all. Really.

Let's go Smiley. Out with it!

:sigh: Fine.

What the hell? That motherfucker's pullin stuff outta his ass!

A Triple-A Card?

In case I go for a ride with Channing Crowder.

Christ. What else you got up there? C'mon!

Alright... alright....

I went fishing over the weekend.

And?

And I caught a rainbow trout.

With these guys.

-Hot damn, son! It's hotter than dog shit on a skillet up in there!
-You said it, Bo. Darker than a coal miner's lunch box, too!

What else, Smiley. C'mon.

:gasp!: Oh sweet Jesus! I couldn't breathe in there!

What the hell, Smiley?

He kept bothering me, asking if I knew where the team prayer meetings were. So I grabbed him and said, "I got your prayer meeting right here!" I was gonna give him right back. Honest.

What else you got?

That's it, coach. I swear.

Say, uh, sorry to interrupt, Mr. Parcells. You know if anyone's seen Samkon Gado lately?

Gado? I thought we cut him, Jeff.

No, sir. He was supposed to report today to restructure his contract. But no one has seen or heard from him in like a week.

SMILE--Y!!

Oh yea. Sorry. Forgot.

This is not cool, my fiends! I am not to like being lodged inside a man's anus! It is not cool in the very least! I am to leave now! I am to leave and never come back! Merry New Year!

What?

Jesse Chatman & Samkon Gado in: PHIN FICTION

You remember that semi-retarded guy? Mike Mularkey? He used to be offensive coordinator round here?

Yes. I know him. He is, how you say? A dumb fuck. Yes?

I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brotha a dumb fuck. He’s slow. What’s the poor muthafucka gonna do? He’s semi-retarded.

Well…word round the water cooler is he’s now our offensive coordinator again.

Why is this happening?

Mularkey caught Coach Cam giving Mrs. Mularkey a foot massage. So now Mularkey's our OC. It’s a damn shame for Coach Cam. He’s just beggin to get fired now. 

It is great shame. But you play with matches, you get burn.

What? Man I think Mularkey waayyy over-reacted here. It was a foot massage!

I think Coach Cam should know better to give Mrs. Mularkey foot massage. You should not touch another man’s woman like this. It is not same as eating her beaver. But it is same ballpark.

Man giving a guy’s wife a foot massage and stickin yer tongue in the holiest of holies ain’t in the same fuckin ballpark. It ain't the same league. It ain’t even the same sport.

You ever give foot massage?

What?! Don’t be telling me about foot massages! I’m the foot fuckin master!

Would you give a man foot massage?

Man, fuck you.

Cam and Randy Bring In A Motivational Speaker

Boys, coach Cam and I feel you need an extra oompf to get a little pep back in your step.

That's right Randy!

You need a little inspiration from someone we all respect and admire, well frankly, like a god around these parts.

That's right Randy!

So, coach Cam and I have called in a special guest to speak with you to help motivate and put a foot in your caboose. So to speak, heh heh heh.

That's right Randy!

Because we can do this, fellas! We just need the right motivation. Right coach?

Um, and, well, our guest is a tad upset about our 0-11 start. And I think you'd all agree that there's nothing like a good old fashioned pep talk.

That's right Randy!

Yup. So without further adieu, I give you the greatest Miami Dolphin ever: Dan Marino! Dan?

Holy motherfucking Moses. That didn't quite turn out like I'd imagined.

I... I think I just shat myself.

Ricky Meets The Crew, Dolphins Hand out Turkey Dinners

Hey guys. I’m here to help with the Thanksgiving drive.

Aye there me brave lassie! Me name’s Patrick Cobbs.

Hi. Ricky.

Lemme tell yeh boy-o, I should be the starting running beck on this ere team!

Okay. Sounds good to me.

Aye but I tripped over my shillelagh as I was fightin' a leprechaun and a fairy and I hurt me plum gibblets. They took me Guinness, so I kicked the fairy in his wee little testes and stabbed the leprechaun with a shiv I carved out from a toy compass I gets from me Lucky Charms cereal.

Well. That’s great. Um... I’m just here to help hand out turkeys and whatever else you guys need.

Hello!

Um. Hi.

I am Samkon Gado. I am from Africa. I am very happy to be here! I make good runnings with Miami Dolphins, yes. I have many good friends with Miami Dolphins. Joey Porter is my good buddy.

Great.

"Give me my money, mother-focker!!! Or I will cut you and take your bitch!!!"

Excuse me???

I do not know what this means. But my good buddy Joey Porter teach me to say it at every conclusion of playing-card contest called Bleck Jeck. It is a very affective strategy.

Oh… um. Okay.

I am very happy to be here!

  Mumph, mumphlerel, mumphlreer, mumphrlere…

What?

Mumphrle… :gulp: … Sorry. Had a corn dog in m’mouth. I’m Jesse. So. You here to take my starter's job, homey?

I just want to play football. I'll accept whatever roll coach gives me.

I heard you a good runner. Like world-class n'shit.

I guess.

Yea, yea, yea. But can you fit two whole turkeys in yer mouth?

Um. No. Of course not.

Okay guys. Bus is leaving to give away the turkey dinners. Let's go!

Okay. Great!

Lemme at em, coach. Aye I got me silver spoon ready to hand out stuffin.

I am very happy to be here!

Murf!....Murf!

Jesse! Jesse! Chatman!!! Spit those darn turkeys out your mouth and get on the bus!

:PEW!: Sorry coach. Just tryin to prove I deserve the starting job.

By shoving two whole turkeys in your mouth? What in heck fire will that prove?

Hey coach.

What??!

What time is lunch? I needs to get me more of them corn dogs up in m'mouth...sheeeeeit!!! Them muthafuckas are tase-ty!!!

Christ almighty. Get on the bus.

Kay coach.

  :sigh" Should have waited til they fired Marty in San Diego before agreeing to this job.

I told ya!*

-
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, NATION. BE GOOD. BE SAFE. HAVE FUN. AND DON'T LEAVE ANY LEFTOVERS. OR JESSE WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE....

*for those of you new to the site, yes, Cam Cameron's penis talks to Cam.

Bye Week Madness

We all struggle with our inner demons. A voice that speaks to us and tries to dominate our very existence. For most of us, the voice is just an expression of our conscience or a figment of our imagination. We are able to shut it out and go about our day at peace. Our tortured hero Cam Cameron also has an inner demon. In his case, it's his penis. And like our own inner demons, it talks. But unlike our inner demons, it's not a fictitious product of a stressed out mind. It's real. Very, very real.... ....

Know what I think about sometimes? Killing Randy. Just ramming a fuckin pick-axe right through his head. Fucker’s gonna cost us our job, man. Sincerely. Wish I could strangle him. If only I had arms. But I am just a lowly penis. Cam?

Just ignore it. Just ignore it. Just ignore it.

Hey Cam. Cam? Caaaam….

:sigh: Yes, penis? What is it?

I was thinking.

Yea?

I was thinking maybe we should take a break this week. Fly down to Vegas. Visit that woman with the donkey again. Get in some Blackjack. Whatta ya say? All-you-can-eat breakfast buffet! Ah? Ahh?

You know we can’t do that.

C’mon! It’s called a bye week for a reason. Say “bye-bye” for the week, ya know? Let’s get fucking hammered! Woot!

That’s enough now, really.

Man! You are such a wuss. An uber-wuss. That means Super-wuss in Polish. Er something. Look everybody! I’m a uber-wuss’s penis! Look at me! Look at me! LOOOOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!

Stop it. That’s enough!

Know why I can talk, people? Because I gots the balls!

I said stop it!

That’s right! I can sing too. “Oh solo mio! Cam is a pussy! Watch him punt the ball instead of going for the win!”

Stop!

I can also do a jig. Ah-cha-cha-cha…. Dolphins are gonna go 0-16, yea yea! If I had arms I'd be doing jazz-hands right here. Jazz-hands...

Enough! (punches his crotch) Oomph!

Everything okay in here? What was that ruckus?

N—nothing. I’m f-fine. See? G-get me an ice p-pack…. Uhhh….

This is our chance, Cam! Quick! Pick up your laptop and as soon as he comes back in with the ice, slam it into his head. He’ll never know what hit him. Although knowing that jag-off, you ask for an ice pack, he brings back a tuna salad. C'mon. Pick up the laptop and ---

(picks up laptop and slams it into his crotch) Grrrugh!

I got your ice pa-- Jesus, Cam! What is with you? You look like you're nauseous.

Peni….

What?

Penis…Pen

What?

Dick! DICK! DICK!!!

Well now you’re just being difficult again. Every time there's a break down in our communication, you go shouting out "my penis! my penis!" or call me a dick! Simply childish! I can’t work in these conditions! I need a break. I’m taking the week off! Good-bye! (slams office door)

Well that’s just fucking fantastic. Bet he’s going to Vegas. And we’re stuck here? This blows. Fucking Randy. He’s gonna find some aging hooker and over pay her while she just lays there and does nothing. You watch.

You know. Like he over paid Joey Porter? Oh come on, man! That’s gold!

Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!

Hey, I know some people in Vegas. They can take care of that contrarian little shit for us. No one ever has to know. Strictly hush-hush. Lots of unmarked graves in the desert. Know whatta mean?

(runs hard and slams crotch into the corner of the office desk, blacks out)

And so it goes for our tortured hero ...

A Message From Some Random Dolphins...

Hi. I’m Cam Cameron. First of all, you’ve all got to calm down. Heck fire, we all do. I’m talking to you. Yea you in the blue shirt. I can see you. Turn that frown upside down. I’m just kidding, I can’t see you. Look, we’re going to stick with Trent Green, okay. He’s our guy. He’s going to take it one game at a time and play within himself. He’s going to go out there and give it 110%. So don’t worry about it Dolphins fans. No one is as frustrated about all this as I am. I promise. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve go to go prepare this week’s game plan. There’s a Kenny G album in my office CD player with my name all over it!

d

Hi. This is Wayne Huizenga. Shheethh…sheethh…shheeeth…. Sorry bout that. I just had ribs for lunch. That's why I made those noises. I am out of floss. Anyhoo, I just wanted to thank you all for your continued support. Did you know that I got started in the garbage business? There’s also that video rental thing, but garbage is where I made my bones. And my goal of turning the Miami Dolphins into the refuse of the NFL is nearly complete. LOL… I’m just fucking with you. Just stick with me, Dolphins fans. We’re going to turn this around. I promise. Just please keep supporting us and keep buying shit from the team shop and keep renewing your season tickets. Consider it all an investment that will pay off some day. Trust me. Hey, I’m a business man. I know what I’m talking about. Oh. Gotta run. My limousine is about to run into a tunnel and  ….. shhhhhhhhhhhshhshhshhshhshhshhh ……. …….

d

Hi. I’m Lorenzo Booker. I just took a shit in Jason Allen’s helmet. Because I’m bored as tits out here.

d

Hi. I’m Mike Mularkey. I have a message for all you Dolfans down in the dumps. For all you Dolfans suffering through this 0-4 season, watching your beloved team become the laughing stock of the NFL, watching as your once dominant defense gets shredded by backup running backs every week. My message: Suck on that bitches!!! Know what this is? This is karma, mother fuckers! A big heaping slice of karmic payback! Oh, Mike, don’t be so harsh! Our team sucks. Boofuckinghoo!! Know what I’m doing now? Do you? I’ve been relegated to “instant replay” guy! That’s right! I went from being a head coach, to being offensive coordinator, to being tight ends coach, to being fucking instant replay monitor. I mean, why don’t they just strip me of all my clothes, hang me upside down by my nut sack in the middle of Bayside and have people walk by and throw cat shit at me? It would be a step up in my pathetic life right now. So ha ha, assholes! You get what you deserve! And while my wife has left me and I am now having sex with a blowup doll, my son Shaney is still with me. And if any of you homos want to keep making fun of me, I’m going to send my son to beat the living shit out of you! … I’m going to have him take Polaroids of your beaten limp body … and I’m going to hang them on my walls and masterba … oh who the fuck am I kidding?? …. I miss my old job …. Fuck I hate my life!!! ... Shaney! Where's my Scotch??? One of your little punk fagotty friends drink all my Scotch again??? Shaney!!!!

d

Hewwoooh!! Ima Kin Yon Il. Wanna know why you linebacka Joey Pota sucky so much cock on football field? Becaaaaws I have replaced you Joey Pota with android weplacement. Soon all NFL team will have android weplacement. And every NFL team will sucky so much cock. But it start wit you, Miami Dophins. Becaws I once was in South Beach club and ask girl to dance and she laugha ina my face and say to me "no thank you little ole lady." So now I hate South Beach. So you suffer first, Miami. If I were you, I check to see if Jason Taylor is human or Korean android. Is all part of my master plan to rule world through fat American religion call Football. I don’t need nuke. Soon I take over world with my army of sucky so much cock android replacement. Bwaahahahahahaha!!!!!

d

Hi. I’m Jason Allen. I … I just wanted to …. I --- what the fuck!!?? Who took a shit in my helmet!!??

d

Adam Schefter Has His Sources

Here I Am ring tone

Hello! This is The Schef!

Adam. Whaaat’s happening.

Oh. Hi Randy. How’s it going?

Yea... Say, where did you get this information about me putting Chambers on the trading block?

A very well placed source. Someone within your organization with inside information. But I can’t tell you who because I don’t want him to get into trouble.

Well… you got us in a bit of a pickle here, my little friend. Chambers has gone apeshit. The last thing we need is dissention among the players.

Sorry about that Muel. But this is my job and I gotta report what I hear. I pride myself in being the best in the business in breaking these kinds of stories. Plus I really wanna impress Rod Woodson. I ... I think I love him.

Uh ... Um. Okay. Great. But … Look, I just want to quell the fires that’s all. Just give me a name. I swear he won’t get in trouble. I’m trying to run a very fragile organization here.

Okay fine. His name is Luigi.

Luigi? Is that a code name like Deep Throat?

No. That’s his real name. He’s Italian. And he’s the best Insider I have. He's so secretive, he's never shown his face to me. But he gives me all this great information. He even told me that you guys had agreed on a contract with Donte’ Stallworth.

:sigh: Okay Adam. I appreciate it. Goodbye.

Here I Am ringtone

Hello! This is The Schef!

:Clears throat: Hey, Adam-eh! Adam-eh my-a friend-eh! It's-a me! You-a friend. Luigi! I have-a more-a informations for you-a!

Great Luigi! What is it?

LaDanian Tomlinson-a just-a fail a drug test-eh and is-a being traded to the CFL-eh!

Wow! Thanks Luigi! I’ll get that on the air right away! You’re the best!

Te nada … ah, er… I a mean-a … Bon giorno!

3 minutes later ...

Good evening. We have a huge breaking story coming out of San Diego! For that we take you to our Inside man, Adam Schefter. Adam … 

Ted Ginn And His Foot