Hi there Fins Nation.
Come on, tell them.
Ahem. Hi there Fins Nation. I just wanted to...
Come on! Tell them!
I'm trying to.
Well, get on with it, twat-face!
Continue reading "Cam Cameron and His Penis Would Like to Wish FN a Happy Crappiversary" »
The following is an actual e-mail exchange between me (The Dude) and FinsNation star commenter Dat Ro Ro Kid (DRK) yesterday afternoon:
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DRK: I read this and it makes me very, very angry.
DUDE: Yea, I saw that. It's so awesome being a Dolphins fan.
DRK: I think you could seriously put the monkeys from 'Project X' to run the front office with buttons on a giant console representing certain drafts picks and free agents and we'd be way better off than we are right now.
DUDE: The Josh McCown era starts soon!
DRK: (throws up in pants)
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...And scene.
I'll just end this by once gain reiterating that we all hope Cam Cameron and Randy Mueller both have themselves a rectal accident. Like falling ass-first onto a hammer or a cactus, respectively.
Players, ex-players and recently fired coaches are all reacting to the purge Bill Parcells has wrought upon
the Dolphins.
Perfect Season running back Jim Kiick said it was a good day in Dolphins history,
"The changes had to be made," he said. "I don't
think Cam was what they were looking for. He wasn't much of a motivator
or a stern coach. I think they need more discipline, and that's what
Parcells is looking for."
He then added, "Hurumph! Get off my lawn you damn kids!" (See what I did there? Because Jim Kiick is old.)
Ex-offensive line guru Hudson Houck said Cam did a good job. It was just that the players on the field kinda sucked,
"I thought (Cameron) was pretty well-prepared. Our meetings were no different than some of the Super Bowl teams I've been on," he said. "The only difference was the type of players we had. The other places I've been, we just had better players."
The one coach I didn't want to see go was Hudson Houck. The guy is known for working miracles with offensive lines. And he sure as hell worked some miracles with our crap infested line. The man could do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. Except for that movie where Bruce Willis played him. God that movie sucked 101 different kinds of ass!
As for Jason Taylor,
Taylor avoided any negative sentiments during a
Thursday conference call to promote his upcoming work as a playoff
analyst for NBC. "Being 1-15 you realize even before the season was over that there
was going to be changes," Taylor said. "It's one of those times as a
player that you don't really have control over it." Wait. JT is going to be a playoff analyst for NBC this weekend? That's the tits! NBC just got upped a few notches in the kick-ass department in my book. FOX is sooo going to get the shit kicked out of them! I can't wait to see that boney ass dipshit Cris Collinsworth (real Chris's put an 'H' in their names, you Kansas City faggot!) talk to JT in that obnoxious patronizing tone he does with everyone else. Just so that we can see JT snap his scrawny neck with his forearm. That'll be awesome. Anyway, I'm happy for JT. He's living the dream!
The Cam Cameron era is over. He and his talking penis have been fired.
Bobby Knight and his friendship with Bill Parcells clearly wasn't enough to save Cam's ass from the inevitable. It's 1-15 and done. It's kinda sad, really. Like when a goldfish dies. You knew it was coming. And you sort of couldn't wait for it to happen because who has time to feed a fucking goldfish all the live long day? Who am I, Ernie?
Then you wake up, the goldfish is dead, and you sort of feel sad. Then you flush it down the toilet and move on with your life.
Oh, and it looks like Jeff Ireland is one bad mother fucker of a nerd. Because he axed pretty much the entire coaching staff except for linebackers coach George Edwards and special assistant Steve Hoffman. Two guys I didn't know existed until this very moment. Also gone -- finally! -- Mike Mularkey! That dude had more lives than a cat in a burning building. Coincidentally, he had cat shit for brains.
The firing of Cam Cameron means the Dolphins just got 5% less funny. But 10% more bad-ass.
And I'll take it. Because if it means we're suddenly, you know, relevant in the NFL again, and if it means we get ourselves a coach and players who'll rip Tom Brady a new asshole again and again for the next 10 years, then hey, I'm all for it.
Bill Parcells spent his day Monday addressing the Dolphins' players and discussing his plan for steering this shit back towards Winnersville, USA. He also spent some time creepily lurking around the Virginia Tech Hokies practice (in case you didn't know, they're in town for this). That was Monday.
Yesterday Parcells woke up at around the time I was just hitting the sack, headed on over to 7-11 for a Big Gulp and some Funyuns for breakfast, and hit camp at about 7:30 AM. Later on in the day, Parcells met with Cam Cameron. But not before he stopped over at the NOVA University cafeteria for a Boar's Head ham sandwich and a large Coke. He spoke with Cameron. And then nothing was decided. Which means Parcells is likely going to wait to speak with whomever he ends up hiring as the next GM before he makes a decision on Cam.
Meanwhile, Parcells and Jeff Ireland's much ballyhooed interview never happened. A flight delay only allowed them to have dinner last night, pushing back the interview until later today. Wonder who's idea it was to have dinner instead of a quick interview? Hmmm.... Parcells also interviewed Jets Director of College Scouting Joey Clinkscales yesterday.
Meanwhile, I spent the day on my couch flipping back and forth between Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs marathon and college bowl games. I also figured out a way to dip my Tostitos chips into the salsa jar and eating it while not having to get up to do it (put the jar on my chest). I also finally figured out how to use the word "ballyhooed" in a blog post. First and second New Year's goals, check! Two down, two to go.
And so the purge begins...
As first reported on PFT last night, the Herald's Armando Salguero is now reporting that the decision has been made by Bill Parcells to can Randy Mueller. He could be gone by as early as today. Salguero also reports that Parcells has already told Wayne Huizenga that Cam Cameron will also be given the boot. The report says that Parcells has heard stories that Cam surfs the web too much, making sure his players are giving the right answers to specific questions on the team's official website. There have also been reports recently that some of Cam's decisions have been based on what he's read on the web from angry media and fans.
"Parcells told Huizenga he doesn't want a coach that is worried about blogs or website interviews. He wants a tough-minded, hard-driven football man who is more concerned with football than facade." (emphasis mine)
Looks like FinsNation.com is losing a reader this week. Damn. Fucking Parcells and his build-a-winner agenda! May your prize racehorses all contract anthrax and die and get turned into a batch of nation-wide recalled glue because it's glue laced with anthrax!
Asshole.
Cam Cameron is going to get fired. Not so much because he's an idiot. But because he refused the will of God. Cameron defiantly decided against starting John Beck against the Bengals in the final meaningless regular season game and, instead, started
Cleo Lemon because he gave us the best chance to win (Ed. note: someone! get me a vomit bag!) So
God had to intervene. He smote Lemon with a hip injury (Ed. note: like Jacob!)
and opened the heavenly gates of stardom for Beck to come in and do his thing. Lemon goes down, Beck comes in. On the very first play, Beck fumbles the snap, allowing Cincinnati's Chinedum Ndukwe (Ed. note: spell check just took a shit!) to recover the ball and run it back for a 54 yard touchdown. I'm not gonna lie to you. After that play, I was ready to hop on the next plane to Iowa so I could find Mitt Romney and punch him in the nuts.
It seemed, for that brief moment, that perhaps The Mormon was going to go the way of Tim Couch. Another highly touted quarterback prospect who fumbles his way out of the league and then succumbs to the lure of steroids so he could continue to suck but at least be really buff and muscular while sucking. But Beck was able to recover from the devastating start. And the dude was able to lead the Fins to two touchdown drives the likes of which John Joseph Smith himself would be proud of if only he understood what football was. (Ed. note: perhaps if we showed him some clips of the Redskins or Chiefs).
Beck was able to finish the day 13 for 21, for 135 yards, two touchdowns and a 96.3 passer rating. He rushed for his first touchdown and threw his second to Derek Hagan (Ed. note: he caught it!). When Beck had his groove going, he demonstrated a killer quick-release and showed a lot of moxie when the team was in no-huddle mode. Sadly enough, it took an injury to Lemon for us all to see what we originally needed to see prior to this game anyway. Coming into this week, there were doubts about Beck. Let's face it, in his last few starts, he resembled the piss-boy more than he resembled the heir to the Marino throne. Now we at least have been reassured that Beck can play the quarterback position when he gets the help (Ed. note: thanks Lorenzo Booker!) and gets into a rhythm (Ed note.: thanks Ted Ginn!). Thanks to the fact that Cleo Lemon can't scramble worth dick, and was able to get banged up, Beck was able to come in so that we, and particularly Bill Parcells, could see that he is just fine and that if we build around him, The Mormon can be a successful quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. Go get em, John! And for Godsakes, stop fucking fumbling the ball!!! Rub your hands on your magical underwear before every game, would ya!
Update: Thanks to Brandon from Utah (surprisingly enough, NOT a Mormon) for the John/Joseph Smith correction. John Beck, Joseph Smith, Joseph Beck, John Smith...they're the same guy!
So this is it. Final game of the clusterfuck that is and was the 2007 season. Anyone out there give a shit? I mean, really. Anyone? Other than the fact that this may or may not be Jason Taylor's last hurrah in a Dolphins uniform, there really isn't too much to get worked over about.
Fins Nation seems to be more abuzz with the arrival of Bill Parcells' foot (the one that will be keen on kicking some serious front-office ass in the coming weeks) than they are about the Bengals coming into town this Sunday. The Tuna -- yes, that's his nickname, let's just accept it -- hasn't said anything about what decisions are going to be made, but all indications are that Cam Cameron's days here are numbered. And don't think Cam doesn't know it. Why else would he be starting Cleo Lemon over The Mormon in the most meaningless game of the regular season? Because Cam is going down swinging. The Tunabomb is about to drop and he knows it. It's like Hitler's last days. Hunkered down in a bunker somewhere below the practice bubble, cradling a copy of "Fail Forward Fast" and telling Cleo and Trent that he'll love them both equally til the bitter end.
It's been a long, arduous journey, this 2007 season. And by "long" I mean "fucking." And by "arduous" I mean "shitty." One where we've learned a bitter truth about our Miami Dolphins. They suck, end of story. But hope has arrived in the shape of man-titties. And that, perhaps for the first time ever in the history of mankind, is a good thing. So, this Sunday, as you watch Cleo Lemon scramble around before getting sacked for a 12 yard loss, and as you watch Cam put on his best fart-face when trying to decide what to do during a 1st and Goal, and as you catch a glimpse of Levi Jones turning Joey Porter into his own personal hand puppet, just keep telling yourself, "This will all be over soon... this will all be over soon..."
Prediction: Dolphins 24 - Bengals 31
Parcell's Foot 48 - Dolphins Front office 3
Oh, and, Let's Go Giants!
Evidence suggests that Cam Cameron’s mission in life is to completely and utterly fuck up John Beck’s career beyond all recognition before it even gets started. Instead of starting Beck at home against Buffalo after the bye week, he decided to give him the reigns on the road, in the shittiest of shitty-ass weather, against blitz-crazy defenses. He then decided to dropkick Beck’s confidence square in the man-sack by giving him the fish-hook after just a few plays last week. Now, as the Fins face the weakest of their final three opponents this Sunday, he decides to bench Beck and give Cleo Lemon the start. Lemon will, of course, fuck any chance we have of beating the Ravens in the ear, by fumbling the snap five or six times, tossing a pick six or seven times and throwing one of his shoes instead of the football three or four times. The Dolphins will lose and Cameron will then announce that Beck will get the nod at New England next week when the Pats will be favored by 3,001 points.
Some might agree with this move and say Lemon gives us the best chance to secure a win. To those folks I’d say, between you and me, the time your parents told you they left your dog on a farm where he could live the rest of his life dancing and prancing in the meadows? They lied. They forked over 600 bucks to have him put to sleep. Oh, and you’re probably a homo.
Anyway, seems cryptic and prophetic that a dude named Lemon is going to lead us down the path to 0-16. Cam Cameron makes my brain hurt.
Everybody wants Cam Cameron fired. But who do we replace him with? Bill Cowher? Bill Parcells? SI’s Peter King warns us of the Siren Song of the Big Name Coach, which we as a franchise have fallen for time and time again. I didn’t think Peter King was capable of anything other than verbally sucking off Brett Favre at every chance he got and eating an entire Christmas ham in one sitting. But the tubby bastard has a point that I happen to agree with here. The football-savvy just oozes out of him like warm gravy. Or is that actual warm gravy?
Meanwhile, the Cleo Lemon or John Beck? debates have begun. Which, at this point, has become like choosing between the chick with the goiter or the chick with the mustache.
Look, given the state of shit around here, I don’t want to debate coaches and QBs right now. I just want a fucking win. And I want these douchegobblers to get their heads out of their asses and deliver one to me, STAT. We’re 0-13! We have three more games to try and avoid becoming the stars of ESPN Classic's The Biggest Fuckups In NFL History with your host, Steve Sabol.
The proverbial monkey on our collective back has evolved from being just a regular monkey -- taunting us and throwing shit at anyone within three feet of us -- into Dr. Zaius -- scoffing at our notion of science and warning us not to go into the Forbidden Zone.
So yea, everything else is pretty meaningless right now. Just. Win.
