Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

The Robot Chad Henne Is Just Biding His Time

 

Tony Sparano came out yesterday and proclaimed that this is still very much Chad Pennington's team. But that's not stopping Chad Henne from assimilating and preparing for when the day comes that he will be called by his galactic overlords to disintigrate all weapons that could be used against him and take out every human being and begin harvesting our organs for his home planet Klaatu-5 to step in as the starting quarterback for the Miami Dolphins.

While Henne's role is set for now, he plans to prepare as if he'll be lining up under center on Sept. 13 when Miami opens the regular season at Atlanta.

"I'm not going to back down," Henne said. "That's just the competitor I am."

Pennington, 33 and entering his 10th NFL season, expects nothing less. It's one reason he passed on a vacation in July to work out in South Florida's suffocating heat and humidity.

Pennington still has something to prove to himself. Last season was only the second time Pennington played in all 16 games.

"Stay healthy; that's my No. 1 goal," he said Sunday.

But if Pennington doesn't, Henne's teammates, echoing their words a season ago, think he'll be able to step in.

Good to know Henne is ready to step in at a moment's notice. Odds are good that Chad Pennington could get hurt this year. But that's not why he arrived to camp looking stronger and more physical. Having a robot stalking you day and night will do that to a person. Always looking for ways to have you meet with an "accident," trying to find a way to melt you with its heat ray without anyone noticing, intercepting your brain waves so it can know what you know. Shit must be tough. Most teams have quarterback competitions. But what Chad Pennington is involved in is more than just looking to keep the starting job. It's a matter of survival.

The Robot Chad Henne Proclaims That He Shall Be Assimilated & Prepared

 

 Ethan Skolnick has an excellent profile on Chad Henne. The main focus of the piece is how Henne handles himself on and off the field. He isn't easily rattled, takes adversity well and keeps his emotions in check.

Someday, Henne will replace Pennington, perhaps at this season's conclusion, when Pennington's contract expires. Perhaps before. If you're trying to project how he'll handle a role that requires far more than throwing passes, it's worth reviewing how he handled four seasons starting at Michigan, where he was subject to parody and scrutiny. It's worth asking the person who knows him best.

"I took it all much harder than he did," Hartman says. "He has a very even temper. He doesn't get stressed out. That's why he is in this position."

He's a robot from the 50's for fucksake. Temper and stress are human emotions. But don't be fooled. A robot can easily turn on us if we anger it. This is why Henne is being assimilated to seek and destroy NFL opponents. It's more than just preparing him to lead us to several Super Bowl victories. It's also very much about keeping him from harvesting our organs and calling down his fellow robot overlords from the planet Barada Nikto 7. The guy that wrote Chad Henne Is A Joke totally got his testicles turned into liquefied petroleum gas. Watch your balls, Belichick.   

The Robot Chad Henne ...

 

 ... does not care for the paparazzi. Because he will not be a celebrity quarterback.

You know, like some people.

The Robot Chad Henne Did Not Care for X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Everyone's a critic.

Also, he spent some time with some elementary school kids, which was really cool of him to do.

The Robot Can Only Be Made Stronger With Pat White's Arrival

Armando Salguero writes about the impeding competition between Pat White and Chad Henne. Aside from annoyingly continuing to call the Wild Cat WildPat (dude, seriously, it's not that clever), Captain Teabags makes some good points in this post. Mainly, he points out that Henne is the better overall quarterback. White is a dynamic athlete to be sure, but he lacks the arm strength, velocity, pocket presence and overall cyborgian girth that makes Henne the favorite to win the starting job in 2010. Moreover, the fact that Jeff Ireland claimed that White was drafted to be a quarterback should be seen as nothing more than a message to both White and Henne that the starting job is up for grabs once Chad Pennington exits stage left.

[Henne] has the superior arm. He has the superior pocket presence. He is not as mobile as White, but neither is he immobile. And I have never seen him overmatched by any situation or circumstance during his 12 months in Miami.

 
Robots are not easily over matched by much of anything. That said, White looks like a guy who will bring it once the starting QB competition opens up this time next year. It'll bring the best out of both men. The Robot's death ray vs. Pat White's Jedi mind tricks. Should be interesting.

Personally, I've always envisioned White coming in for Wild Cat plays and other variations of the spread while also taking snaps and running regular plays from time to time. Just to fuck with defenses. They'll basically have to prepare for two quarterbacks when they prepare to play the Fins. Chad Henne will fuck up your secondary. Pat White will fuck up your mind. It's gonna be awesome.

The Robot Chad Henne is Assimilated & Prepared

Chad Henne participated in the Fin Cup charity golf tournament this week. And he told reporters that being a backup to Chad Pennington again all this coming season isn't necessarily a foregone conclusion.

"It was definitely a learning experience this year,'' said Chad Henne, the Dolphins second-round pick last year, who only got into one regular-season game his rookie season and led a 67-yard TD drive. "We'll see how it all plays out coming up this year. I would assume he'd be the starter at the beginning, but who knows, we'll see how it plays out.''

One might easily misinterpret this as some kind of threat towards Pennington. But keep in mind that Chad Henne is a robot from the 50's, and is incapable of emotion or of mincing words. He knows Pennington's injury history, and calculated the odds of him getting hurt again this season, and spoke accordingly. It's still a pretty badass statement from our future franchise quarterback. And you gotta love that shit. Henne knows he's got the arm, the skills and the balls to handle the position. And that's what you want from your leader.

Now some might say Henne should just go ahead and start this season so that he can start getting acclimated to the speed of the NFL, and that having him on the bench again will only hurt him. But that's not necessarily true. Henne can be much better served on the bench, learning from Pennington and taking in as much information as possible. This is his franchise. It's not going anywhere. And, as we all know, Pennington is teaching the robot everything he knows. When Henne's time does finally come, he'll be fully prepared.

Henne's ability as a quarterback won't be hampered if he waits another season behind Pennington. That's like saying plants don't grow in the jungle just because no one is there to witness it. Or like saying girls don't make out in their bras and panties after a slumber party pillow fight. Of course those things happen. It's just science.

Omar Has Changed His Mind About Chad Pennington. And So Have I.

When we first signed Chad Pennington in the off-season, my initial reaction was pretty much one of "here we go again." Simply put, Pennington was just another retread quarterback with an injury history. And that arm of his. Whoa nelly, Keith Jackson could throw a football harder and farther than Pennington. So my reasons seemed legit. And, as Omar Kelly admits in his blog post today, he had the same feelings about Noodles. The vibes just weren't good. But the vibes can go fuck themselves with a cactus, because they were wrong. And so was I. And, as Omar admits today, so was he. Although, I did quickly change my mind soon after we signed Pennington. Nothing that rational mulling can't solve. Plus, Mr. T approved of Pennington. So there was that.

Omar tells us Pennington's work ethic and intelligence is why he's proving the doubters wrong. Pennington's study habits are second to none. And his overall leadership is something we seriously haven't seen from our QB since The Right Arm of God roamed the sidelines yelling at everybody.

And then there's this:

For those wondering if rookie quarterback Chad Henne and second-year vet John Beck are paying attention, let me calm your anxiety and reveal that they are.

Beck said he and Henne actually get homework assignments from Pennington and gladly breaks down whatever he asks.

Homework assignments? I don't know about you, but that gets my nipples really hard. You can engrave your name and your family crest onto a diamond with my nipples. Did Brett Favre go out of his way to teach Aaron Rodgers the ins and outs of NFL quarterbacking in Green Bay? Fuck and no. And I think we can safely say that Kellen Clemens in New York is pretty much on his own. Meanwhile, here in Miami, The Robot is getting a good dose of the Pennington knowlege downloaded into his system. Awesome.
 
And then there's Chad Penninton's dreamyness. The one guy I would blow, based on who he is and how gorgeous he is, is Chad Pennington. I have no gay inclinations whatsoever except that I want to fuck Chad Pennington. Throughout the day at work, I often catch myself day dreaming about Chad Pennington. Seriously, I'm not gay in any way except that I want to totally fuck that guy right in his face. And then I want to return the favor. But I don't know. I don't think I have a shot. He's just so out of my league. Sigh.

The Whole Chad Henne Thing

The Robot reacts to Michael Crabtree's highlight video

To start Henne or to not start Henne. It's been the number one topic of conversation on other blogs and on local radio all week. But I haven't touched it because, frankly, I botched it last season when I called for John Beck to start. Little did I know that he would treat the football like it was made of a bucket of dicks. Little did I know that Cleo Lemon would be better than him. Little did I know that the man who said he had a surprise for me in his pants was actually talking about his penis. But some fans are calling for Chad Henne to start over Chad Pennington. Mainly because, meh, fuck it, why not? And I get it.

But I'm going to say no on this. Mainly because we have shit for players and it just wouldn't do anyone any good. Not that I think Henne would go the way of a Beck or a David Carr and lose all confidence if he came out and played poorly. He's a robot, so he knows no such emotions as confidence or lack of confidence or love or hate or fear. But I'd rather we'd get some, you know, talent around him before turning him loose. Look, I hate watching Captain Noodles run the offense with his dink and dunk passes just as much as you do. But I'd rather we kept him as the starter while Henne roamed the sidelines, downloading the information and coming in for mop-up duty like he did last week. It'll be a good way to ease him into things. And I'm going to say this now: Next April, we must draft Texas Tech WR Michael Crabtree. Fuck everybody else. 6-3, 214 lbs, and an absolute beast (by the way, Anquan is 6-1, 217 lbs). This is the guy to get. Crabtree and Devone Bess would give Henne a pretty awesome one-two combo for many seasons to come.

Maybe in my next lifetime, the Dolphins will actually do what I say and we'll have ourselves a decent team. Also maybe in my next lifetime, I'm going to get a girlfriend with no feet. That way she won't nag me about taking her dancing all the time.

-The DUDE

The Whole Chad Henne Thing

The Robot reacts to Michael Crabtree's highlight video

To start Henne or to not start Henne. It's been the number one topic of conversation on other blogs and on local radio all week. But I haven't touched it because, frankly, I botched it last season when I called for John Beck to start. Little did I know that he would treat the football like it was made of a bucket of dicks. Little did I know that Cleo Lemon would be better than him. Little did I know that the man who said he had a surprise for me in his pants was actually talking about his penis. But some fans are calling for Chad Henne to start over Chad Pennington. Mainly because, meh, fuck it, why not? And I get it.

But I'm going to say no on this. Mainly because we have shit for players and it just wouldn't do anyone any good. Not that I think Henne would go the way of a Beck or a David Carr and lose all confidence if he came out and played poorly. He's a robot, so he knows no such emotions as confidence or lack of confidence or love or hate or fear. But I'd rather we'd get some, you know, talent around him before turning him loose. Look, I hate watching Captain Noodles run the offense with his dink and dunk passes just as much as you do. But I'd rather we kept him as the starter while Henne roamed the sidelines, downloading the information and coming in for mop-up duty like he did last week. It'll be a good way to ease him into things. And I'm going to say this now: Next April, we must draft Texas Tech WR Michael Crabtree. Fuck everybody else. 6-3, 214 lbs, and an absolute beast (by the way, Anquan is 6-1, 217 lbs). This is the guy to get. Crabtree and Devone Bess would give Henne a pretty awesome one-two combo for many seasons to come.

Maybe in my next lifetime, the Dolphins will actually do what I say and we'll have ourselves a decent team. Also maybe in my next lifetime, I'm going to get a girlfriend with no feet. That way she won't nag me about taking her dancing all the time.

-The DUDE

Hey, Good News! Ted Ginn Still the Starting WR

It seems like some folks were in a bit of a tizzy yesterday when Derek Hagan appeared on the first-team roster ahead of Ted Ginn Jr. Today, however, Tony Sparano clarified it for everybody: Ted Ginn is still the starter opposite Greg Camarillo. Feel better now?

What? Still don't feel better?

Well, then how bout a picture of Chad Henne zapping a hooker with his death ray?

You're welcome.

-The DUDE