Happy Madden Day everybody! That's right. The greatest video game of them all comes out today. And it is a good day. Madden Day is the single greatest day of the summer. 4th of July? Meh. Fireworks are for children, the elderly and retards. Memorial Day? Please. The only thing I remember on Memorial Day is the three hours it took looking for parking at the beach and the endless throng of pasty white people that have absolutely no business being half naked and sweaty in public whatsoever. Labor Day? Fuck Labor Day. Why do we have a day celebrating work? What's next, Pay Your Bills Day? What the hell?
No -- this is the apex of the summer. Madden Day.
It's a day when I get to waste 24 to 48 hours straight like some strung out smack addict and it's completely fine. Start playing at 11 AM and finish at 2:30 AM the next day. Eat nothing but Cheetos and beer and end the marathon looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway. WILSON!!!! Good times all around.
It's a great day. It's 100% American. And it's 100% awesomeness. And it's today. The only set back is if you invite your friends over for a few rounds of Madden tournaments, expect your home to smell like shit and your couch cushions to smell like ass. Otherwise, enjoy!
Oh, and here's the entire Dolphins roster on Madden '08. The highest rated Dolphin? Zach Thomas with a 97. Sweet. Jason Taylor comes in second with a 96. How'd that happen? Joey Porter is rated 95. Looks like the Dolphin front seven is going to kick a ton of ass in Madden '08.
Fred Evans is rated 64. Cheat Code Alert: If you press the X and then the trigger button three times, Evans throws up on the field and then takes a swing at a referee. Press the O and security comes out and Tazers him twice.
Then -- as it is in real life -- there is the offense.
Joe Toledo is rated 75. But if you play him your XBox will explode. Chris Chambers is rated 88. As is Ronnie Brown. I see Daunte Culpepper is on the squad. He's rated at 83. Trent Green? 85. Green is only slightly better than Culpepper in Madden '08. How do those geniuses at EA Sports do it? It's uncanny!
Anyway ... Happy Madden Day. Have fun! And don't forget to wash your ass.