Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Jason Taylor And Other Tales of Badassery & Wonder

   

This is Jason Taylor.

He plays. He sacks. He conquers.

Do not think just because he won the Defensive Player of the Year in 2006 that his greatness has past. Oh no, my friends. He is only just beginning to unleash his terror against the rest of the National Football League.

Why, ask his new head coach. He�ll tell you. Cam Cameron -- like every other opposing coach in the NFL -- would get the testicle-shrivels whenever he had to game-plan for JT as the Chargers' OC. And he�s man enough to admit it:

�You have to account for him every play,'' Cameron said. �People say, 'We'll run at him.' If you run at him, he's tough for people to stay on because he's so active. You say, 'We'll run away from him.' Then he runs you down from behind. Then you say, 'We'll have to double him,' and you free-up somebody else to make a play.

�It's nice to be on the same sideline.''

So far, I�ve been in two fantasy drafts that feature independent defensive players. Both times I drafted JT. Both times I was mocked for taking him too early.

But the mocking only masked the fear and dread that seized upon my fellow fantasy football dorks. For I now have Jason Taylor on my team. And they all took a collective shit on their computer keyboards.

Jason Taylor is a man-beast. You can never take him too early.

He�s the man that brings offensive linemen to their knees.

He�s the man who gives Tom Brady nightmares.

He�s the man who keeps Mr. Dead in his pocket.

So I ask you, my fantasy football competitors � Know what I have in my fantasy football lineup?

Doom.

Jason Taylor And Other Tales of Badassery & Wonder

   

This is Jason Taylor.

He plays. He sacks. He conquers.

Do not think just because he won the Defensive Player of the Year in 2006 that his greatness has past. Oh no, my friends. He is only just beginning to unleash his terror against the rest of the National Football League.

Why, ask his new head coach. He’ll tell you. Cam Cameron -- like every other opposing coach in the NFL -- would get the testicle-shrivels whenever he had to game-plan for JT as the Chargers' OC. And he’s man enough to admit it:

“You have to account for him every play,'' Cameron said. “People say, 'We'll run at him.' If you run at him, he's tough for people to stay on because he's so active. You say, 'We'll run away from him.' Then he runs you down from behind. Then you say, 'We'll have to double him,' and you free-up somebody else to make a play.

”It's nice to be on the same sideline.''

So far, I’ve been in two fantasy drafts that feature independent defensive players. Both times I drafted JT. Both times I was mocked for taking him too early.

But the mocking only masked the fear and dread that seized upon my fellow fantasy football dorks. For I now have Jason Taylor on my team. And they all took a collective shit on their computer keyboards.

Jason Taylor is a man-beast. You can never take him too early.

He’s the man that brings offensive linemen to their knees.

He’s the man who gives Tom Brady nightmares.

He’s the man who keeps Mr. Dead in his pocket.

So I ask you, my fantasy football competitors … Know what I have in my fantasy football lineup?

Doom.

Anvil Head

Who? Or what, is the newest, most devastating, most sensational full back on the Miami Dolphins?!

Some have called him Corey The Masked Destructor. Others, Schle-killer. It is believed that he is worshipped as a god of thunder in certain lost Amazonian tribes. They call him Gorkon, which means Big Ass White Dude With A Thick Ass Neck.

We fans call him Cory Schlesinger. His close friends call him Cory.

His teammates, however, know him as Anvil Head.

And he shall unleash his destruction upon all opposing defensive linemen and linebackers who dare stand in his way and in the way of his running back. Tedy Bruschi, Jonathan Vilma ... beware! For Anvil Head The Mighty shall smash a hole right through your torso, leaving a bloody wake of torn flesh and shattered bits of bone sprayed across the field (while Ronnie Brown runs untouched for a touchdown) and you will wish to your ever loving god that you had called in sick or faked a hamstring injury during pre-game.

Who�s gonna mess with the badass dynamic duo of Anvil Head and the Juggernaut?!!

Only a fool. That's who. And what do Anvil Head and the Juggernaut do?

Knock fools out.

Anvil Head

Who? Or what, is the newest, most devastating, most sensational full back on the Miami Dolphins?!

Some have called him Corey The Masked Destructor. Others, Schle-killer. It is believed that he is worshipped as a god of thunder in certain lost Amazonian tribes. They call him Gorkon, which means Big Ass White Dude With A Thick Ass Neck.

We fans call him Cory Schlesinger. His close friends call him Cory.

His teammates, however, know him as Anvil Head.

And he shall unleash his destruction upon all opposing defensive linemen and linebackers who dare stand in his way and in the way of his running back. Tedy Bruschi, Jonathan Vilma ... beware! For Anvil Head The Mighty shall smash a hole right through your torso, leaving a bloody wake of torn flesh and shattered bits of bone sprayed across the field (while Ronnie Brown runs untouched for a touchdown) and you will wish to your ever loving god that you had called in sick or faked a hamstring injury during pre-game.

Who’s gonna mess with the badass dynamic duo of Anvil Head and the Juggernaut?!!

Only a fool. That's who. And what do Anvil Head and the Juggernaut do?

Knock fools out.

Adam Schefter Has His Sources

Here I Am ring tone

Hello! This is The Schef!

Adam. Whaaat�s happening.

Oh. Hi Randy. How�s it going?

Yea... Say, where did you get this information about me putting Chambers on the trading block?

A very well placed source. Someone within your organization with inside information. But I can�t tell you who because I don�t want him to get into trouble.

Well� you got us in a bit of a pickle here, my little friend. Chambers has gone apeshit. The last thing we need is dissention among the players.

Sorry about that Muel. But this is my job and I gotta report what I hear. I pride myself in being the best in the business in breaking these kinds of stories. Plus I really wanna impress Rod Woodson. I ... I think I love him.

Uh ... Um. Okay. Great. But � Look, I just want to quell the fires that�s all. Just give me a name. I swear he won�t get in trouble. I�m trying to run a very fragile organization here.

Okay fine. His name is Luigi.

Luigi? Is that a code name like Deep Throat?

No. That�s his real name. He�s Italian. And he�s the best Insider I have. He's so secretive, he's never shown his face to me. But he gives me all this great information. He even told me that you guys had agreed on a contract with Donte� Stallworth.

:sigh: Okay Adam. I appreciate it. Goodbye.

Here I Am ringtone

Hello! This is The Schef!

:Clears throat: Hey, Adam-eh! Adam-eh my-a friend-eh! It's-a me! You-a friend. Luigi! I have-a more-a informations for you-a!

Great Luigi! What is it?

LaDanian Tomlinson-a just-a fail a drug test-eh and is-a being traded to the CFL-eh!

Wow! Thanks Luigi! I�ll get that on the air right away! You�re the best!

Te nada � ah, er� I a mean-a � Bon giorno!

3 minutes later ...

Good evening. We have a huge breaking story coming out of San Diego! For that we take you to our Inside man, Adam Schefter. Adam � 

Adam Schefter Has His Sources

Here I Am ring tone

Hello! This is The Schef!

Adam. Whaaat’s happening.

Oh. Hi Randy. How’s it going?

Yea... Say, where did you get this information about me putting Chambers on the trading block?

A very well placed source. Someone within your organization with inside information. But I can’t tell you who because I don’t want him to get into trouble.

Well… you got us in a bit of a pickle here, my little friend. Chambers has gone apeshit. The last thing we need is dissention among the players.

Sorry about that Muel. But this is my job and I gotta report what I hear. I pride myself in being the best in the business in breaking these kinds of stories. Plus I really wanna impress Rod Woodson. I ... I think I love him.

Uh ... Um. Okay. Great. But … Look, I just want to quell the fires that’s all. Just give me a name. I swear he won’t get in trouble. I’m trying to run a very fragile organization here.

Okay fine. His name is Luigi.

Luigi? Is that a code name like Deep Throat?

No. That’s his real name. He’s Italian. And he’s the best Insider I have. He's so secretive, he's never shown his face to me. But he gives me all this great information. He even told me that you guys had agreed on a contract with Donte’ Stallworth.

:sigh: Okay Adam. I appreciate it. Goodbye.

Here I Am ringtone

Hello! This is The Schef!

:Clears throat: Hey, Adam-eh! Adam-eh my-a friend-eh! It's-a me! You-a friend. Luigi! I have-a more-a informations for you-a!

Great Luigi! What is it?

LaDanian Tomlinson-a just-a fail a drug test-eh and is-a being traded to the CFL-eh!

Wow! Thanks Luigi! I’ll get that on the air right away! You’re the best!

Te nada … ah, er… I a mean-a … Bon giorno!

3 minutes later ...

Good evening. We have a huge breaking story coming out of San Diego! For that we take you to our Inside man, Adam Schefter. Adam … 

Phil Simms Doesn�t Like the 2007 Dolphins

Network analysts' off-air predictions for the 2007 Dolphins

CBS' Phil Simms said this about the 2007 Dolphins: �They don't have enough stars. I've never known skill players to have seasons that exceed the quality of their offensive line. You need at least two guys in the top group of NFL linemen. Right now, they don't have any. They have a pretty good defensive front seven, but is it the Baltimore Ravens? Is it shut down? Probably not. If they're a fringe playoff contender, the fans should see it as a tremendous job by the coach.''

Congratulations, Phil Simms! The NFL is now 75% gayer!* While your boy Chris has his college buddy�s name tattooed on his ankle, you�re considered the second half of the most homoerotic play-by-play team in the NFL. Also, Ryan Seacrest is now a part of the NFL, so he�s doing his part to contribute to the added gayness in a big way.

Oh, and your color commentary... kinda shoddy. Which is like shitty, except with an 'o'.

And a 'd'.

*Not that there�s anything wrong with that

Phil Simms Doesn’t Like the 2007 Dolphins

Network analysts' off-air predictions for the 2007 Dolphins

CBS' Phil Simms said this about the 2007 Dolphins: “They don't have enough stars. I've never known skill players to have seasons that exceed the quality of their offensive line. You need at least two guys in the top group of NFL linemen. Right now, they don't have any. They have a pretty good defensive front seven, but is it the Baltimore Ravens? Is it shut down? Probably not. If they're a fringe playoff contender, the fans should see it as a tremendous job by the coach.''

Congratulations, Phil Simms! The NFL is now 75% gayer!* While your boy Chris has his college buddy’s name tattooed on his ankle, you’re considered the second half of the most homoerotic play-by-play team in the NFL. Also, Ryan Seacrest is now a part of the NFL, so he’s doing his part to contribute to the added gayness in a big way.

Oh, and your color commentary... kinda shoddy. Which is like shitty, except with an 'o'.

And a 'd'.

*Not that there’s anything wrong with that

Report: Chambers On The Block

The NFL Network's Adam Schefter is reporting that Chris Chambers has been made available on the trade market by the Dolphins.

Chambers is scheduled to make $5.4 million in base salary this season to go along with his $7.3 million salary-cap number. As productive as Chambers has been -� catching at least 59 passes in each of the past four seasons and 82 two seasons ago �- his financial numbers are not easy for the cap-strapped Dolphins to swallow.

According to what Schefter is saying here, this is purely a business move by Miami. I can see that. Try to move a receiver who still has some relative value to save a little cap space. Makes sense.

An off-season ago, this would've sent Fin fans apeshit and calling for Randy Mueller's head: "We traded Chambers?!! Give us Randy Mueller's head!!!" we'd yell while waiving torches in the air, even though this is the 21st Century and there is no earthly reason anyone should be carrying a torch.

But now, the sentiment in Fins Nation would probably be: "We traded Chambers? Meh. What did we get for him? A 4th round pick and a plasma television for the locker room? Cool."

Either way, it's out there. And I say no one will bite. And -- wait, I'm going out on a limb here -- I'm going to say Chambers will be a Miami Dolphin when the season starts September 9th in Washington. Besides, it's Adam Schefter. The same guy who said absolutely, positively Donte Stallworth was going to sign with the Dolphins. And then he did the exact opposite of that very thing.

Report: Chambers On The Block

The NFL Network's Adam Schefter is reporting that Chris Chambers has been made available on the trade market by the Dolphins.

Chambers is scheduled to make $5.4 million in base salary this season to go along with his $7.3 million salary-cap number. As productive as Chambers has been -– catching at least 59 passes in each of the past four seasons and 82 two seasons ago –- his financial numbers are not easy for the cap-strapped Dolphins to swallow.

According to what Schefter is saying here, this is purely a business move by Miami. I can see that. Try to move a receiver who still has some relative value to save a little cap space. Makes sense.

An off-season ago, this would've sent Fin fans apeshit and calling for Randy Mueller's head: "We traded Chambers?!! Give us Randy Mueller's head!!!" we'd yell while waiving torches in the air, even though this is the 21st Century and there is no earthly reason anyone should be carrying a torch.

But now, the sentiment in Fins Nation would probably be: "We traded Chambers? Meh. What did we get for him? A 4th round pick and a plasma television for the locker room? Cool."

Either way, it's out there. And I say no one will bite. And -- wait, I'm going out on a limb here -- I'm going to say Chambers will be a Miami Dolphin when the season starts September 9th in Washington. Besides, it's Adam Schefter. The same guy who said absolutely, positively Donte Stallworth was going to sign with the Dolphins. And then he did the exact opposite of that very thing.