A few years ago, my nephew Jonathan and I were playing catch with his football out in the backyard of his East Hartford, Connecticut home. My big brother and his family live up there. My brother has always had a fascination with inflating things to their maximum capacity. As kids, any time we'd get a beach ball or a soccer ball from our grandfather, it would last about 23 minutes before exploding after nipping the corner of the coffee table in our living room. So my nephew's football felt like it had been dipped in iron thanks to my brother, the Mad Inflater. It was Thanksgiving, so there was a chill in the air and foliage on the ground. My nephew was at that awkward age in life when a young boy starts to become a man. His voice changes, he gets hair where there was once none and he starts noticing tits. He also got a lot stronger than when he was just a little goofball. So my little nephew, who was now in the throws of becoming a man-child, chucked his rock-hard football at me with all his might. Because I asked him to. "Gimme some heat," I said. Well, the football came, my friends. And it came with a vengeance. It also came low, since it weighed about as much as a fire hydrant. It crashed threw my icy numb fingers and landed directly on my groin, point-first. Needless to say, that shit hurt like I was giving birth to a baby rhino. Good thing it was cold too. I required no ice for my balls but the pain lingered for the entire weekend into New Years. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. I bring up this heart warming family holiday story as an anecdote to illustrate how, after yesterday's game, I felt as if the Dolphins had just heaved a rock-hard football at my testicles in the dead of winter.
As I woke from my Hennigan's induced haze this morning, it occurred to me. We could conceivably finish the season 1-15. Not hard to figure, even when you're hungover. I predicted a Dolphins loss this weekend because it doesn't take Jimmy the Greek to figure it out. We can't stop the run, Jason Taylor has been completely emasculated and the Joey Porter Korean android finished the day with a measly 3 tackles, 0 sacks, and 0 interceptions.
The Dolphins averaged 7.1 yards per play to the Jets 4.2, and still lost. Seeing Ronnie Brown shred the New York defense for 211 total yards was great, and it was what we've all been calling for. And Trent Green had another solid performance stats-wise. But let's not fool ourselves. The Jets defense is among the worst in the NFL. So we need to temper our enthusiasm. Travis Daniels gave up a second TD in as many games, proving once again that no man can pick talent quite like the incomprable Nick Saban. And Andre Goodman was let go by the Lions, so no further analysis needed there.
Top to bottom, this is a horrible team. I got a lot of flack for my "negative" writings and predictions during the pre-season. What you gotta say now, Mr. Rourke? Because it's no longer "Smiles everyone! Smiles!" We may be at the ass-end of suckville, but I didn't drive us here. I don't write "negative" stuff just for the sake of doing it. I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. And the reality is the Fins are among the worst teams in the NFL right now. Now, we're staring at an 0-3 season with an aging defense and an offense that has maybe one good player. Ronnie Brown. That's it. Stop telling me Chris Chambers is a number one receiver. HE'S NOT!!!!
The Dolphins are 0-3 along with the Atlanta Falcons and St. Louis Rams (ed. note: and Saints). We're headed straight for another top 5 or even top 3 draft pick. And as the rest of the schedule looms, there simply isn't one game I can look at and say, "oh yea, we should win this one!" Not a single one. We could conceivably end the season with 1 win. One. Uno. The playoffs are no longer a possibility (as if they ever were) and players don't magically get better with age. If I knew we were going to suck this bad, I never would've endorsed us picking Brady Quinn or even John Beck last April, since Brian Brohm will be there for the taking. (ed. note: No, I don't want us to draft Brohm. We have Beck. I like Beck. You can stop sending the e-mails now.)
Still with me? You're a trooper and a masochist. That's why you and I are like this (pointing to my eyes with two fingers, then pointing at you with two fingers, over and over again) Okay ... Let's take a look at the remaining schedule and see how things just may roll out:
The Raiders: They have both a better defense and a better overall offense.
The Texans: They almost beat the Colts this week and they have a real quarterback. And if Andre Johnson is back for that game, his fantasy owners are going to have a collective orgasm.
The Browns: Their defense stinks but they're offense features two play-making receivers in Braylon Edwards and Kellen "I'm a Soldier" Winslow.
The Patriots: Ha.
The Giants: Again, crappy defense but an offense our defense has no chance of stopping.
Buffalo: Ok, we might have a shot to win this one. Oohhh... we can beat Buffalo! Get the parade route on Brickell Avenue ready.
Philly: They have a white guy that can outrun our entire team. How sad is that?
Pittsburgh: We might have a less-gay football team, but they'll kick our ass all over Yinzer town.
Jets: See Dolphins Week 3 results
Buffalo: In December?
Ravens: Our offense has no chance against their D.
Pats: Only if they're resting their best players... and even then they'll beat the shit out of us.
So ... top 3 pick here we come. Oh, and speaking of, Ted Ginn Jr. had 1 catch for 15 yards yesterday.
My balls thank you, Miami Dolphins.