Okay. So. We suck balls. Big hairy rhinoceros balls. Oh-and-two and staring down the barrel of another season blown into oblivion. We're clinging our hopes on a 37 year old concussed has-been QB and a group of receivers that go through some bizarre pre-game rituals, among them, rolling in a vat of butter and Vaseline just before kickoff. Our once stout defense looks like a fat camp marathon after one quarter of play. Joey Porter has been abducted and replaced by some sort of android football player (obviously made in Korea because Koreans don't know dick about American football). Jason Taylor looks like he's about to lose his shit and start punching some random Sun-Sentinel reporter's nut sack if this team doesn't start winning soon. Our head coach loves families but hates our number one running back. And, so far, our #9 overall pick has had as much of an impact on this team as Henry Winkler.
The Dolphins organization is guilty. Guilty of a serious crime. The charge: Assault with a shitty-ass team. The victims? You, me, children and the elderly.
Armando Salguero posed the question of whether we should consider trading Jason Taylor for draft picks. Salguero suggests that trading JT would be the right thing to do for both Taylor and the organization. He suggests we send him to a contending team like the Patriots. Well why not just drive me down to Dolphin Stadium during Marlins batting practice, stick my crotch in front of the pitching machine and turn the nob to 102 MPH? No. JT is all we have. I selfishly choose to want to keep him a Dolphin for life.
Harvey Failkov asks if this season is on the brink after an 0-2 start. The answer is no. This season was on the brink just before the first pre-season game against Jacksonville.
Cam Cameron is trying to stay positive and says the team is not quitting on the season.
"No matter what that performance looked like,'' coach Cam Cameron said, "I can tell you unequivocally that this team cares.''
Coach Cam, it's not about desire. It's about talent. It's about play-makers. I desire to bed Jessica Alba. I really, really, really desire it. But that doesn't get me any closer to nailing her does it? Neither does this stack of restraining orders, but that's not the point.
"I would just say we've got a lot of bugs right now,'' running back Jesse Chatman said. "You can never win that way. We had five turnovers. You can't win that way. We had penalties. You can't win that way."
We've got shitty players. You can't win that way.
Bitter? Fuck and yes. Better believe it. I'm bitter. My head hurts, I can't think straight and I've lost all desire to shave or bathe. I mope around all day and daydream about bludgeoning Bill Simmons in the skull with a tire iron over and over and over until the only sound I hear is squish-squish-squish. I keep hoping a cement truck filled with snakes and scorpions falls on Bill Belichick and his smug fuck face smirk. And I keep checking to see if I've run out of Sam Adams so that I can walk on over to Publix and buy more. Because it's all I have to look forward to these days. I'm betting you feel the same way too.
But I'll be here. Taking each and every gut-punch loss like a man. And so will you. Because this is what we live for, Nation. Otherwise, we'd take up window shopping, reading GQ magazine and wearing crocs. So we love and stick with our Fins. Every mile of this curse-the-day-I-ever-decided-to-root-for-this-fucking-team Via Dolorosa.
So here's my pep talk/remedy: Fuck the season. It's over. And that's the way I want it. Because it means a high draft pick. It means being able to draft OT Jake Long from Michigan, or OT Sam Baker from USC, or WR Limas Sweed from Texas, or even S Kenny Phillips from the U. You know, talent. Play-makers.
My remedy is simple:
-Start John Beck right away
-Lose pretty much all of our games this season
-Keep Jason Taylor
-Parlay a 3-5 win season on one of the great prospects listed above in next year's draft
-Trade Chris Chambers for more draft picks
-Use those picks on LB Keith Rivers from USC and CB Dwight Lowery from San Jose St.
-Take out Tom Brady's knees and win $20 just for shits and giggles
-Drink a six pack, find a hot girl and mount her like a prized bull, repeat
Done and done. Life makes perfect sense again.
The Dude for Dolphins GM and President of Football Operations.
Randy, Cam, gimme a holler.