Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Not Good

Just when you thought things couldn't possibly get any worse for the Dolphins, we get this bit of news.

Fuck. I think the word 'fuck' is the best word to apply to this situation.

Fuck.

Not Good

Just when you thought things couldn't possibly get any worse for the Dolphins, we get this bit of news.

Fuck. I think the word 'fuck' is the best word to apply to this situation.

Fuck.

Fins Nation Will Be In New York This Weekend

You see this hammered, incredulous bastard doing some kind of Mick-Jagger-on-acid-jig while still somehow managing to not spill his beverage?

That�s our very own FinsNation All Star commenter, Dat Roro Kid.

Embrace him, Nation. And be very proud.

For as of this moment, he is our official FN New York City correspondent. And this very weekend, he will be infiltrating enemy territory as he heads into the Meadowlands for this Sunday�s Dolphins-Jets match up.

That�s right. Roro Kid's got hisself Fins-Jets tickets and is going to be representing you, Nation. Look at that picture. Look at it. Look at it! Doesn�t it just make you swell with pride? Ahh � drunken Dolphins fans. Is there any other kind, really?

Roro, or Roger if you prefer, will be handing in his on-location report of the game right here on this blog, complete with analysis of the game, photos of various characters he comes across (female Jets fans? Fantastic!), and a detailed report on just how much Jets fans really are insufferable douchebags, even when their team sucks ass.

Hopefully, Roger will be experiencing the Fins� first victory of the season first hand and telling us all about it.

Hopefully, it will be exactly as we dreamed it would be.

Hopefully, he�ll be heading back home before somebody shivs him.

(Look for the report here sometime Monday or Tuesday)

Fins Nation Will Be In New York This Weekend

You see this hammered, incredulous bastard doing some kind of Mick-Jagger-on-acid-jig while still somehow managing to not spill his beverage?

That’s our very own FinsNation All Star commenter, Dat Roro Kid.

Embrace him, Nation. And be very proud.

For as of this moment, he is our official FN New York City correspondent. And this very weekend, he will be infiltrating enemy territory as he heads into the Meadowlands for this Sunday’s Dolphins-Jets match up.

That’s right. Roro Kid's got hisself Fins-Jets tickets and is going to be representing you, Nation. Look at that picture. Look at it. Look at it! Doesn’t it just make you swell with pride? Ahh … drunken Dolphins fans. Is there any other kind, really?

Roro, or Roger if you prefer, will be handing in his on-location report of the game right here on this blog, complete with analysis of the game, photos of various characters he comes across (female Jets fans? Fantastic!), and a detailed report on just how much Jets fans really are insufferable douchebags, even when their team sucks ass.

Hopefully, Roger will be experiencing the Fins’ first victory of the season first hand and telling us all about it.

Hopefully, it will be exactly as we dreamed it would be.

Hopefully, he’ll be heading back home before somebody shivs him.

(Look for the report here sometime Monday or Tuesday)

Regarding John ...

Got a ton of e-mails (aside from all the comments) about my MVN John Beck article from Tuesday. Got a few that disagreed and, honestly to my surprise, a good amount of readers that agreed with me.

But I would like to address one thing. The column I wrote is based on collective studies I've done on my own as well as a lot of info taken from Mr. David Lewin of FootballOutsiders fame. And while football analytics isn't as static as, say, baseball sabrmetrics ... the numbers usually are dead on and pretty accurate. However, that said, I am not saying that if Beck doesn't start soon or any time this season that he'll NEVER make it as an NFL QB. What I am saying is that the odds are against him if he doesn't start soon. He is certainly talented enough to beat those odds and no one is a bigger fan of the guy than I am. Whatever he does or doesn't do this season, I'm rooting for him to succeed. It's just that I think his chances are much better if he starts ASAP. But if he doesn't, well, I hope he manages to beat the odds. And he's talented enough and has enough moxie in him to do that very thing.

(Although I'm convinced that we'll at least see him sometime in November or December when the last of our playoff chances has gone the way of the Dodo bird)

That is all. Now back to your regularly scheduled douchebaggy sarcasm and cynicism right here ... on FinsNation.com...

Dolphins Stealing Jets' Signals Too?

A Jets fan says the Dolphins have been spying on the Jets' practices for a few seasons now. This was reported in the NY Daily News. So it's gotta be true.

A longtime Jets fan, who regularly attends training-camp practices, is absolutely convinced the Dolphins have been sending a scout/spy to Jets practices for years. That, of course, is against league rules. It�s the same guy every year, according to the fan. The suspected spy dresses in a Jets golf shirt and Jets cap, blending into the crowd at the open practice. He sits atop the bleachers with a legal pad, taking detailed notes.

One day, our fan friend sat near the spy and noticed he was wearing a Dolphins watch. Hmm. Afterward, the fan followed him out to the parking lot. What he saw next stunned him: When the spy got to his car, he pulled off his Jets shirt and threw it in a trash can, along with the cap. True story.

Quick, someone get Cam Cameron on the phone� they�re on to us!

Damn you, regular training-camp attendee Jets fan (shaking fist angrily towards the sky)! Damn you and your craftiness! We should have known you were too clever for us what with your use of cologne as a deodorant substitute, your wispy mustache, and that cell phone clipped to your belt!  ...  ... damn you!!!.... .... ... ... ..

Dolphins Stealing Jets' Signals Too?

A Jets fan says the Dolphins have been spying on the Jets' practices for a few seasons now. This was reported in the NY Daily News. So it's gotta be true.

A longtime Jets fan, who regularly attends training-camp practices, is absolutely convinced the Dolphins have been sending a scout/spy to Jets practices for years. That, of course, is against league rules. It’s the same guy every year, according to the fan. The suspected spy dresses in a Jets golf shirt and Jets cap, blending into the crowd at the open practice. He sits atop the bleachers with a legal pad, taking detailed notes.

One day, our fan friend sat near the spy and noticed he was wearing a Dolphins watch. Hmm. Afterward, the fan followed him out to the parking lot. What he saw next stunned him: When the spy got to his car, he pulled off his Jets shirt and threw it in a trash can, along with the cap. True story.

Quick, someone get Cam Cameron on the phone… they’re on to us!

Damn you, regular training-camp attendee Jets fan (shaking fist angrily towards the sky)! Damn you and your craftiness! We should have known you were too clever for us what with your use of cologne as a deodorant substitute, your wispy mustache, and that cell phone clipped to your belt!  ...  ... damn you!!!.... .... ... ... ..

Have a Beer and Smile. I've Got the Remedy.

Okay. So. We suck balls. Big hairy rhinoceros balls. Oh-and-two and staring down the barrel of another season blown into oblivion. We're clinging our hopes on a 37 year old concussed has-been QB and a group of receivers that go through some bizarre pre-game rituals, among them, rolling in a vat of butter and Vaseline just before kickoff. Our once stout defense looks like a fat camp marathon after one quarter of play. Joey Porter has been abducted and replaced by some sort of android football player (obviously made in Korea because Koreans don't know dick about American football). Jason Taylor looks like he's about to lose his shit and start punching some random Sun-Sentinel reporter's nut sack if this team doesn't start winning soon. Our head coach loves families but hates our number one running back. And, so far, our #9 overall pick has had as much of an impact on this team as Henry Winkler.

The Dolphins organization is guilty. Guilty of a serious crime. The charge: Assault with a shitty-ass team. The victims? You, me, children and the elderly.

Armando Salguero posed the question of whether we should consider trading Jason Taylor for draft picks. Salguero suggests that trading JT would be the right thing to do for both Taylor and the organization. He suggests we send him to a contending team like the Patriots. Well why not just drive me down to Dolphin Stadium during Marlins batting practice, stick my crotch in front of the pitching machine and turn the nob to 102 MPH? No. JT is all we have. I selfishly choose to want to keep him a Dolphin for life.

Harvey Failkov asks if this season is on the brink after an 0-2 start. The answer is no. This season was on the brink just before the first pre-season game against Jacksonville.

Cam Cameron is trying to stay positive and says the team is not quitting on the season.

"No matter what that performance looked like,'' coach Cam Cameron said, "I can tell you unequivocally that this team cares.''

Coach Cam, it's not about desire. It's about talent. It's about play-makers. I desire to bed Jessica Alba. I really, really, really desire it. But that doesn't get me any closer to nailing her does it? Neither does this stack of restraining orders, but that's not the point.

"I would just say we've got a lot of bugs right now,'' running back Jesse Chatman said. "You can never win that way. We had five turnovers. You can't win that way. We had penalties. You can't win that way."

We've got shitty players. You can't win that way.

Bitter? Fuck and yes. Better believe it. I'm bitter. My head hurts, I can't think straight and I've lost all desire to shave or bathe. I mope around all day and daydream about bludgeoning Bill Simmons in the skull with a tire iron over and over and over until the only sound I hear is squish-squish-squish. I keep hoping a cement truck filled with snakes and scorpions falls on Bill Belichick and his smug fuck face smirk. And I keep checking to see if I've run out of Sam Adams so that I can walk on over to Publix and buy more. Because it's all I have to look forward to these days. I'm betting you feel the same way too.

But I'll be here. Taking each and every gut-punch loss like a man. And so will you. Because this is what we live for, Nation. Otherwise, we'd take up window shopping, reading GQ magazine and wearing crocs. So we love and stick with our Fins. Every mile of this curse-the-day-I-ever-decided-to-root-for-this-fucking-team Via Dolorosa.

So here's my pep talk/remedy: Fuck the season. It's over. And that's the way I want it. Because it means a high draft pick. It means being able to draft OT Jake Long from Michigan, or OT Sam Baker from USC, or WR Limas Sweed from Texas, or even S Kenny Phillips from the U. You know, talent. Play-makers.

My remedy is simple:

-Start John Beck right away
-Lose pretty much all of our games this season
-Keep Jason Taylor
-Parlay a 3-5 win season on one of the great prospects listed above in next year's draft
-Trade Chris Chambers for more draft picks
-Use those picks on LB Keith Rivers from USC and CB Dwight Lowery from San Jose St.
-Take out Tom Brady's knees and win $20 just for shits and giggles
-Drink a six pack, find a hot girl and mount her like a prized bull, repeat

Done and done. Life makes perfect sense again.

The Dude for Dolphins GM and President of Football Operations.

Randy, Cam, gimme a holler.

Have a Beer and Smile. I've Got the Remedy.

Okay. So. We suck balls. Big hairy rhinoceros balls. Oh-and-two and staring down the barrel of another season blown into oblivion. We're clinging our hopes on a 37 year old concussed has-been QB and a group of receivers that go through some bizarre pre-game rituals, among them, rolling in a vat of butter and Vaseline just before kickoff. Our once stout defense looks like a fat camp marathon after one quarter of play. Joey Porter has been abducted and replaced by some sort of android football player (obviously made in Korea because Koreans don't know dick about American football). Jason Taylor looks like he's about to lose his shit and start punching some random Sun-Sentinel reporter's nut sack if this team doesn't start winning soon. Our head coach loves families but hates our number one running back. And, so far, our #9 overall pick has had as much of an impact on this team as Henry Winkler.

The Dolphins organization is guilty. Guilty of a serious crime. The charge: Assault with a shitty-ass team. The victims? You, me, children and the elderly.

Armando Salguero posed the question of whether we should consider trading Jason Taylor for draft picks. Salguero suggests that trading JT would be the right thing to do for both Taylor and the organization. He suggests we send him to a contending team like the Patriots. Well why not just drive me down to Dolphin Stadium during Marlins batting practice, stick my crotch in front of the pitching machine and turn the nob to 102 MPH? No. JT is all we have. I selfishly choose to want to keep him a Dolphin for life.

Harvey Failkov asks if this season is on the brink after an 0-2 start. The answer is no. This season was on the brink just before the first pre-season game against Jacksonville.

Cam Cameron is trying to stay positive and says the team is not quitting on the season.

"No matter what that performance looked like,'' coach Cam Cameron said, "I can tell you unequivocally that this team cares.''

Coach Cam, it's not about desire. It's about talent. It's about play-makers. I desire to bed Jessica Alba. I really, really, really desire it. But that doesn't get me any closer to nailing her does it? Neither does this stack of restraining orders, but that's not the point.

"I would just say we've got a lot of bugs right now,'' running back Jesse Chatman said. "You can never win that way. We had five turnovers. You can't win that way. We had penalties. You can't win that way."

We've got shitty players. You can't win that way.

Bitter? Fuck and yes. Better believe it. I'm bitter. My head hurts, I can't think straight and I've lost all desire to shave or bathe. I mope around all day and daydream about bludgeoning Bill Simmons in the skull with a tire iron over and over and over until the only sound I hear is squish-squish-squish. I keep hoping a cement truck filled with snakes and scorpions falls on Bill Belichick and his smug fuck face smirk. And I keep checking to see if I've run out of Sam Adams so that I can walk on over to Publix and buy more. Because it's all I have to look forward to these days. I'm betting you feel the same way too.

But I'll be here. Taking each and every gut-punch loss like a man. And so will you. Because this is what we live for, Nation. Otherwise, we'd take up window shopping, reading GQ magazine and wearing crocs. So we love and stick with our Fins. Every mile of this curse-the-day-I-ever-decided-to-root-for-this-fucking-team Via Dolorosa.

So here's my pep talk/remedy: Fuck the season. It's over. And that's the way I want it. Because it means a high draft pick. It means being able to draft OT Jake Long from Michigan, or OT Sam Baker from USC, or WR Limas Sweed from Texas, or even S Kenny Phillips from the U. You know, talent. Play-makers.

My remedy is simple:

-Start John Beck right away
-Lose pretty much all of our games this season
-Keep Jason Taylor
-Parlay a 3-5 win season on one of the great prospects listed above in next year's draft
-Trade Chris Chambers for more draft picks
-Use those picks on LB Keith Rivers from USC and CB Dwight Lowery from San Jose St.
-Take out Tom Brady's knees and win $20 just for shits and giggles
-Drink a six pack, find a hot girl and mount her like a prized bull, repeat

Done and done. Life makes perfect sense again.

The Dude for Dolphins GM and President of Football Operations.

Randy, Cam, gimme a holler.

Time to call up the Mormon

Well, here it is. My argument/case for staring the John Beck era right now.

Hope I can convince you as much as I'm convinced that getting Beck into it as soon as possible is what's best for him and the future of the Dolphins.

And one more thing: as bad as this offensive line can be at times, it's NOT as bad as David Carr's Texans' O-line. Besides, a lot more went into Carr's confidence being shattered than just bad blocking. John Beck will not be the next Carr or Couch or Weinke, etc. even if he starts right away.

Anyway ... stop on over The Phish Tank and read my shit. And Go Fins!

Bang it here:

The Case For Starting the John Beck Era Right Now

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