Dear God, my toe hurts. Please heal it in time for me to play football on Sunday. Just like you did with my buddy Jon Kitna the other day. You healed his brain. That was awesome. This a toe, so that’s nothing for you. If my toe ain’t healed then that fella that likes strippers will play. Which means I could lose my job. To a stripper lover. Oh and, P.S., God bless Mr. Al Davis. Amen.
Dear God. Please let my knee hold up against the Dolphins this Sunday. I got a hankerin for some revenge. It's pay back time for them bitches! Retro-mutha fuckin-bution! And please let my tiny hands not fumble the football too much. You do this for me and I’ll stop with the strippers. And God bless Al Davis. C-Pep out.
Dear God, McCown and Culpepper are running my team? Kill me now.
Dear Josh: Sorry but it looks like your toe is going to have to stay broken. Because it’s a toe. If it was a leg or an arm or even a thumb…mmmehhhh…Maybe. But a toe? That’s just too stupid to heal. Oh, and, P.S. There’s a reason why Jon asked you for a Spicy Chicken value meal with a large Fanta when you inquired about his wife and children on the phone yesterday. Now stop bothering me.
Dear Daunte: Last time you came calling, I bailed you out of that whole sex boat scandal thing and gave you a fresh start in Miami. You then proceeded to screw it up. Real nice, Panama Red. Sure, part of that was Nick Saban’s fault. But he’s in league with my sworn enemy so it was out of my hands. And speaking of … sorry about yours. The day you were born, the factory workers were on strike up here so I had to give you midget hands. It was a split second decision that had to be made. It was either that or being born with four feet. And no one wants to go through life known as he Foot-Hands Guy. I think I made the right call. Again, sorry and good luck this Sunday.
Dear Al: You’ve been dead for 4 years now.
Keys to the game: The defense flat out needs to get their heads out of their collective asses and play some damn football. Joey Porter's guarantee? Whatever dude. Just make a tackle and I'll be happy. Balls? Pft. Doesn't take much to guarantee a win against a 1-2 team. Crack some heads and cause some havoc, then I will praise you and your balls. Until then, the wow factor on you is negative 8. This game is on the defense. The offense should be able to score some points on Oakland's 24th ranked secondary. But our defense must step up and play. I don't even want to imagine what an 0-4 record feels like. So let's just stop the bleeding right here, mmmkay??? Thanks a bunch....
Prediction: Raiders 17 – Dolphins 24
Okay .. I'm outta here for the weekend. Gotta head up north on some business. I'll have to catch the game on a hotel TV (one with DirecTV, so I'm set.) I should be back Sunday night for the re-cap. Have a safe one...
Oh and, I’m 1-2 for my Fins seasonal predictions. This week I reach the .500 mark. Dolphins win. Yippie kay yey mutha f#@er!!!!!