DATELINE CLEVELAND OHIO -- Regular FN readers know that I have a well placed source* who has told me Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was abducted by the North Korean government and replaced with a life-like android. Unfortunately for Porter, this likely means he's being held in a dark, dank cell while mindless gimps throw slices of uncooked bacon at his face continuously throughout the day. Unfortunately for us fans, it means that since it's a Korean android, it knows very little -- if anything at all -- about American Football. In other words, it's playing like shit. Other than that, it is an almost perfect duplicate.
No doubt the Korean scientists abducted Porter from some Atlantic City casino, took his 20 million dollar contract, and hastily put together the android. My source says that he has taped evidence of two Korean scientists speaking as they snuck the android into the Miami Dolphins' facilities in Davie, just before 2AM on March 7th of this year:
Scientist #1: Have you seen this thing play football back in the lab? It sucks. They'll never believe it for a second.
Scientist #2: Don't sweat it. He's a Miami Dolphin now. He'll blend right in.
Scientist #1: Oh. Right.
My source says the tapes have been confiscated. He didn't say by whom.
Well, now, the android is beginning to speak. And by speak, I mean it's spewing some form of pre-programmed trash-talk -- just like the real Joey Porter used to do -- as evidenced by his recent remarks about Cleveland tight end Kellen Winslow.
Cleveland, as you may know, will be Miami's opponent this week. Trash talking works wonders when your team is a playoff contender. But pretty much sounds like the inane ramblings of a mindless idiot when your team is 0-5. The Korean scientists failed to program a kill-switch if just such an event occurred, prompting one Korean official to say, off the record: "We knew the Dolphins would suck. But no one saw this coming. Sheee-it. I mean, c'mon! They traded for Trent Green!" Said another official, "I have Chris Chambers on my fantasy team. The Dolphins will be just fine. What's that? They're 0-5??? Fuck this government's world news filtering and oppression of information! I thought we were still in the pre-season! Well, at least I have Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush on my roster to soften the blow. WHAT??? Ah shit monkeys!" (ed. note: the second official has since gone missing. We assume he moved to an undisclosed location to avoid paying any lingering debts he had in Vegas. Or, he probably moved to avoid his friends in that fantasy league giving him shit about his team. Or, he was assassinated by his government).
Needless to say, we just might have an international crisis on our hands. But we believe that Kellen Winslow will do what's proper and sacrifice himself for his country. He is, after all, admittedly, a Fucking Soldier.
So it's up to Winslow to lay down this week. Take a dive. And let the Korean android Joey Porter have his way with him. So far as we can tell, Winslow is well on his way. Asked to comment on Porter's trash talk, Winslow replied: "I think Joey Porter needs a hug. He's so angry, man."
What kind of pussy response is that, you ask? It's the kind that American heroes like Kellen Winslow make when they're about to take one for their country. Otherwise, it's really, really shitty trash talking. Seriously, "needs a hug?" Who the fuck is Winslow channeling? Timothy Leary? (ed. note: perhaps these two?)
No, no, no, my friends. That response was done with a cool and purposeful mind. Winslow is getting ready to take a dive.
Now someone please, send a Navy SEAL team over there and bring back the real Joey Porter.
*Bob Woodward's source was known as "Deep Throat." My source is known as "Imaginary Friend Induced By Large Amounts of Alcoholic Beverages Consumed due to the Shit Show Known as the Miami Dolphins"