Well, here we are. Week 6 and staring down the possibility of matching our worst start ever as a franchise. Unfortunately, we don’t have a cronk-smoking running back to blame this time around.
So who do we blame?
There are several candidates.
And they’re being put on notice as of right now.
We’re putting you on notice…
Joey Porter: You swindled big skrilla from us, dude. 20 million to be exact. And have done absolutely nothing in return. Classy guy that you are, you placed the blame squarely on the shoulders on the man most responsible for your shit-your-pants performances: your defensive coordinator. Yes, it’s his fault you’ve failed to register a sack. It’s his fault you only have something like 15 tackles this season. It’s his fault. Fuck him and that damn squirrel on his head.
Ted Ginn Jr.: You’ve done nothing but argue with your foot, run in circles like a mental patient, and gotten our starting quarterback killed. That’s only a fraction of why we drafted you instead of Brady Quinn. Now get out there and wave your arm over your head. Fair catch the shit out of them punts! THAT’S why we drafted you instead of Quinn.
Cleo Lemon: You’re starting in place of the concussed Trent Green. And newspapers all over America are having such a hoot with that name of yours. “Can Cleo Deliver Lemon-Aid to the Dolphins?” “Will Cleo Run to a Win or be a Lemon?” “Lemon to start for Sour Dolphins” Ah the national media. God love them. And God help you, Cleo Lemon. Because The Mormon is just one play away from taking your job. The Mormon and God. They're like this [crossing fingers together]. So watch your back. Also, stay away from that Ted Ginn fella. That dude is a quarterback killer.
Cam Cameron: Um... how can I put this? Ah heck, I'll just put it. Stop being a pussy. Play to win. Not for overtime. We’re 0-5. We have nothing to lose. That’s it. Oh, one more thing … we hired a football coach not a summer camp councilor for an all girl’s fat camp. Don’t be afraid to kick somebody’s ass every now and then. Also, it’s always effective when you use the word “fuck.” Try it. Not only will your players play better but it’ll make you feel better. Try it. One time. Look in the mirror and say, “Why the fuck did you trade away a draft pick for that fucking brain damaged old fuck, Trent Green?! Fuck you and your glasses!” See Cam? Feels good!
The Sports Gal: You're not a Dolphin. You're not a part of the Dolphins organization (maybe you squeal like a porpoise during sex, but that's another post entirely). But you’re on notice, Sports Gal. Because, apparently, you’re as much of a smug, insufferable, douchebaggity assbag as your husband, Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy [see last paragraph of this for evidence). Fuck you. Fuck Bill. And fuck the entire city of Boston (See Cam? Feels good!). Now you and William run along and go eat a dick.
Randy Mueller: Randy, lots and lots of folks are calling for your head lately. Not me. I’m defending you. I’m putting myself out there to defend your honor and calling the Fins to keep you around because I believe in you. So here’s what you’re going to do for me. Next time you want to sign another aging player for big dollars, don’t. And next time Cam wants to draft a long snapper with your first pick because he goes way back to his days as a Hoosier with the kid’s Pop and, boy won’t that clan just bring some real homegrown biscuits and gravy family values to this team, ball your hand into a fist and punch Cam in the face (aim for the glasses if you must), repeatedly, over and over until he has collapsed unconscious on the War Room floor. Then proceed to kick him in the area of the crotch over and over again, while screaming these words with each passing blow of your foot, “Not on my watch bitch! Not! On! My! Watch!”
Keys to the Game: Stop the run, stop Braylon Edwards (stud), and feed Ronnie all day long. Oh and, if the game is close and there’s about a minute left and our only choice is to try a 54 yard field goal to win or punt and see if we can get it into overtime … ATTEMPT THE FUCKING FIELD GOAL!!! See Cam? Feels good.
Prediction: The Fins are 41/2 point underdogs. They’re on the road. The geek in me says Browns 24 – Dolphins 17. But the fan in me says Browns 21 – Dolphins 24. But the key to being a true Dolphin fan lately is to shrug your shoulders and say, “fuck it.”
So, fuck it. Dolphins 24 – Browns 21