Jason Cole of Yahoo! Sports is reporting that a source tells him that former Giants, Patriots, Jets, and Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells might be the next general manager of your Miami Dolphins.
This guy's head just exploded.
Look, staring at an 0-and-whatever season sucks. It does. We go 0-16 and you might as well tap me on the balls with a hammer while you're at it.
And yes, The Muel seems to have fucked up some things. The Joey Porter Korean Android comes to mind. And Wayne's gonna strap on a rubber glove, lather in in Vaseline, and do some internal examining in the coming weeks.
But here's the thing.
Randy Mueller is not the reason the Dolphins are 0-and-whatever.
The fault lies with the former leadership.
Jimmy Johnson. Dave Wandstedt. Rick Spielman. Nick Saban.
The Four Horseman of the Crapocalypse. They're the ones to blame.
Since 1998, the Dolphins have had 59 draft picks. Fifty nine. 46 were used to draft shitty players, 13 were used to trade for 10 other shitty players. And as it is with all shitty players, they were full of shit.
Of those 59 draft picks -- zero remain on the team. ZERO. Most of these players are no longer employed in the NFL, while the others are backups and scout team players on other teams.
Of The Muel's first official draft this past April, the Dolphins have signed 9 out of 10 picks. When was the last time that happened with the Dolphins? All indications appear that most, if not all, of these rookies are going to pan out.
The defense is old, fragile and falling apart because the old regimes failed to rekindle it with younger, faster players. We have a shitty QB situation because the old regimes failed to draft a serious quarterback prospect while throwing away draft picks for the likes of Jay Fiedler and AJ Feeley. Again, Porter is all on the Muel. But you and I were loving this signing when it first happened. Okay, lesson learned.
But The Muel's track record as a top personnel guy far exceeds anyone else out there not currently employed.
Bill Parcells woud just be another "big name" Huizenga brings down here to add to his collection of the Jimmy Johnsons and Nick Sabans of the world.
Parcells is an ornery old dude with man boobs. And that's all he'd bring to Miami. Anger and tits on a dude. That's it. And what coach would want to work under an asshole like Parcells? Seriously? Because you know if he came down here, he'd be the boss. It would be his way or the highway. Like Saban. Except with man boobs.
And here's another little nugget about Man Boobs Bill: He really, really, really likes signing old veteran players. Check his track record. And that's the last thing we need. In case you haven't noticed, we're chalk-filled with old veteran players. Which is why we suck so hard.
Ask Cowboys fans how they feel about Parcells now.
Let Mueller do his thing. Enough of the big names. This team sucks because JJ, Wandstache, Spielman and Saban fucked it all up.
Now we're going to blame Mueller for spraying shit all over the toilet when he just got here to clean the mess up?