Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

London Calling

 

In case you haven't heard, the NFL is having its first ever over-seas regular season game! This week! In London! Seriously! No joke! See the exclamation points I've added to highlight the importance of it all?!

Yea, it's finally here. The big London game against the Giants. NFL CEOs and executives everywhere are popping bubbly and dancing with Asian call girls right now.

Remember how we all complained that this game might hurt our playoff chances because it was an "away" home game? God, we're such fucking saps.

Anyway, this it. The big London game. And it'll be without Ronnie Brown or Zach Thomas (whiplash). But, hey, Channing Crowder will be there! And he'll be putting that University of Florida education to good use as he speaks the native tongue of the English to the fans who ask for his autograph upon arrival. Spanish, of course! "Pinga tu madre!" he'll say to each of them with a smile. And they'll chuckle and say "Oh Channing! You are incorrigible!"

The NY Giants come into this game hot, while our defense comes into this game giving up an average of 400 points. Or something like that. I'm too fucking jaded to look it up. But I'm sure my calculations are pretty close.

Anyway, I hope loyal members of The Nation living in the UK show up big. I hope they make a lot of noise. I hope they start a fight with the Giants fans. Dolphins Hooligans! Anarchy wankers! (they say wankers right?)

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Keys to the Game: Stopping Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs and Plaxico Burress is a tall order for our defense. And it's an order they cannot process. The Giants secondary have been giving up an average of 135 yards to opposing receivers. But their pass rush has been off the charts sick. So Cleo is gonna have to run his ass off if he wants to make some plays. Which, of course, he won't. Because he's slow and un-nimble. But I will say this -- Ted Ginn Jr. will find the endzone this week. That's my balls to the wall prediction. Mark it down. Mark. It. Down. Ted Ginn .... is a Miami Dolphin!

Prediction: Giants win in another route. 35-17. The Dolphins come home 0-8. Cam Cameron says more crap about learning from our failures and then says how pleasant the English weather is and how all the folks in England have such nice teeth. Fans back home wait at MIA with pitchforks and torches. The giant JT robot gets shit faced, goes on a rampage, eats Christian Slater, and punches Big Ben, saying later that Big Ben "was eye-ballin' his bitch." Roger Goodell curls up in a fetus position and regrets the day he ever okayed a trip to England for his beloved NFL. He urinates on himself. Wayne Huizenga flies back home counting his money. Don Shula awaits him at Dolphins headquarters in Davie and hides behind his own statue. Then, just as Wayne enters the room, Shula drop kicks Huizenga in the testicles. He looks down at Wayne's collapsed and shivering body and whispers in his ear, "Give me back my team, bitch." London's calling.

Now, let Joe Strummer and the boys take us there....

London Calling

 

In case you haven't heard, the NFL is having its first ever over-seas regular season game! This week! In London! Seriously! No joke! See the exclamation points I've added to highlight the importance of it all?!

Yea, it's finally here. The big London game against the Giants. NFL CEOs and executives everywhere are popping bubbly and dancing with Asian call girls right now.

Remember how we all complained that this game might hurt our playoff chances because it was an "away" home game? God, we're such fucking saps.

Anyway, this it. The big London game. And it'll be without Ronnie Brown or Zach Thomas (whiplash). But, hey, Channing Crowder will be there! And he'll be putting that University of Florida education to good use as he speaks the native tongue of the English to the fans who ask for his autograph upon arrival. Spanish, of course! "Pinga tu madre!" he'll say to each of them with a smile. And they'll chuckle and say "Oh Channing! You are incorrigible!"

The NY Giants come into this game hot, while our defense comes into this game giving up an average of 400 points. Or something like that. I'm too fucking jaded to look it up. But I'm sure my calculations are pretty close.

Anyway, I hope loyal members of The Nation living in the UK show up big. I hope they make a lot of noise. I hope they start a fight with the Giants fans. Dolphins Hooligans! Anarchy wankers! (they say wankers right?)

-

Keys to the Game: Stopping Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs and Plaxico Burress is a tall order for our defense. And it's an order they cannot process. The Giants secondary have been giving up an average of 135 yards to opposing receivers. But their pass rush has been off the charts sick. So Cleo is gonna have to run his ass off if he wants to make some plays. Which, of course, he won't. Because he's slow and un-nimble. But I will say this -- Ted Ginn Jr. will find the endzone this week. That's my balls to the wall prediction. Mark it down. Mark. It. Down. Ted Ginn .... is a Miami Dolphin!

Prediction: Giants win in another route. 35-17. The Dolphins come home 0-8. Cam Cameron says more crap about learning from our failures and then says how pleasant the English weather is and how all the folks in England have such nice teeth. Fans back home wait at MIA with pitchforks and torches. The giant JT robot gets shit faced, goes on a rampage, eats Christian Slater, and punches Big Ben, saying later that Big Ben "was eye-ballin' his bitch." Roger Goodell curls up in a fetus position and regrets the day he ever okayed a trip to England for his beloved NFL. He urinates on himself. Wayne Huizenga flies back home counting his money. Don Shula awaits him at Dolphins headquarters in Davie and hides behind his own statue. Then, just as Wayne enters the room, Shula drop kicks Huizenga in the testicles. He looks down at Wayne's collapsed and shivering body and whispers in his ear, "Give me back my team, bitch." London's calling.

Now, let Joe Strummer and the boys take us there....

Decision on Ricky Williams Could Come Next Week

Commissioner Roger Goodell is planning to re-visit the Ricky Williams situation when he returns from London next week. Goodell says he'll be looking at all the reports he's got on Ricky and will also receive a recommendation from the doctor heading the NFL's substance-abuse program.

Ricky applied for reinstatement on October 1st. The Commish has 60 days, from that point, to gather all the info on Williams and make a decision. If Goodell says Ricky can play, the Dolphins will then have two weeks to decide if they want him back, or cut him and place him on waivers.

I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in saying that the Dolphins should welcome Ricky back as soon as possible.

With Ronnie Brown in the fold, I was in the camp that didn't want Ricky back. Mainly because I was still feeling the sting of when he left us high and dry (pun intended) and felt like it was time to move on and start the Black Thunder era.

But with Ronnie out for the year and with our backfield looking like we just wandered unto the Lollypop Guild, I say yes to Ricky. Only because, right now, I only have one goal for this team. And that is to avoid being the only team in NFL history to go 0-16.

A dubious goal. But a goal nonetheless. And let's face it. If there are no goals, there's chaos.

Yea and also, for my fantasy team. That would be awesome too.

Decision on Ricky Williams Could Come Next Week

Commissioner Roger Goodell is planning to re-visit the Ricky Williams situation when he returns from London next week. Goodell says he'll be looking at all the reports he's got on Ricky and will also receive a recommendation from the doctor heading the NFL's substance-abuse program.

Ricky applied for reinstatement on October 1st. The Commish has 60 days, from that point, to gather all the info on Williams and make a decision. If Goodell says Ricky can play, the Dolphins will then have two weeks to decide if they want him back, or cut him and place him on waivers.

I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in saying that the Dolphins should welcome Ricky back as soon as possible.

With Ronnie Brown in the fold, I was in the camp that didn't want Ricky back. Mainly because I was still feeling the sting of when he left us high and dry (pun intended) and felt like it was time to move on and start the Black Thunder era.

But with Ronnie out for the year and with our backfield looking like we just wandered unto the Lollypop Guild, I say yes to Ricky. Only because, right now, I only have one goal for this team. And that is to avoid being the only team in NFL history to go 0-16.

A dubious goal. But a goal nonetheless. And let's face it. If there are no goals, there's chaos.

Yea and also, for my fantasy team. That would be awesome too.

Ornery Parcells to the Dolphins?

Jason Cole of Yahoo! Sports is reporting that a source tells him that former Giants, Patriots, Jets, and Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells might be the next general manager of your Miami Dolphins.

This guy's head just exploded.

Look, staring at an 0-and-whatever season sucks. It does. We go 0-16 and you might as well tap me on the balls with a hammer while you're at it.

And yes, The Muel seems to have fucked up some things. The Joey Porter Korean Android comes to mind. And Wayne's gonna strap on a rubber glove, lather in in Vaseline, and do some internal examining in the coming weeks.

But here's the thing.

Randy Mueller is not the reason the Dolphins are 0-and-whatever.

The fault lies with the former leadership.

Jimmy Johnson. Dave Wandstedt. Rick Spielman. Nick Saban.

The Four Horseman of the Crapocalypse. They're the ones to blame.

Since 1998, the Dolphins have had 59 draft picks. Fifty nine. 46 were used to draft shitty players, 13 were used to trade for 10 other shitty players. And as it is with all shitty players, they were full of shit.

Of those 59 draft picks -- zero remain on the team. ZERO. Most of these players are no longer employed in the NFL, while the others are backups and scout team players on other teams.

Of The Muel's first official draft this past April, the Dolphins have signed  9 out of 10 picks. When was the last time that happened with the Dolphins? All indications appear that most, if not all, of these rookies are going to pan out.

The defense is old, fragile and falling apart because the old regimes failed to rekindle it with younger, faster players. We have a shitty QB situation because the old regimes failed to draft a serious quarterback prospect while throwing away draft picks for the likes of Jay Fiedler and AJ Feeley. Again, Porter is all on the Muel. But you and I were loving this signing when it first happened. Okay, lesson learned.

But The Muel's track record as a top personnel guy far exceeds anyone else out there not currently employed.

Bill Parcells woud just be another "big name" Huizenga brings down here to add to his collection of the Jimmy Johnsons and Nick Sabans of the world.

Parcells is an ornery old dude with man boobs. And that's all he'd bring to Miami. Anger and tits on a dude. That's it. And what coach would want to work under an asshole like Parcells? Seriously? Because you know if he came down here, he'd be the boss. It would be his way or the highway. Like Saban. Except with man boobs.

And here's another little nugget about Man Boobs Bill: He really, really, really likes signing old veteran players. Check his track record. And that's the last thing we need. In case you haven't noticed, we're chalk-filled with old veteran players. Which is why we suck so hard.

Ask Cowboys fans how they feel about Parcells now.

Let Mueller do his thing. Enough of the big names. This team sucks because JJ, Wandstache, Spielman and Saban fucked it all up.

Now we're going to blame Mueller for spraying shit all over the toilet when he just got here to clean the mess up?

C'mon people!

The Dolphins Now Have a Midget Backfield

The Dolphins have signed former Green Bay Packers and Houston Texans running back Samkon Gado off waivers.

This is now the Dolphins backfield:

Jesse Chatman: 5'8"
Samkon Gado: 5'9"
Patrick Cobbs: 5'8"

The Dolphins backfield now consists of fucking Oompa Loompas.

Oh, there is Lorenzo Booker, who stands at 5'10" which is almost 6 feet!

But a huge criteria for being counted as being part of the backfield is to, you know, play an actual play or two.

Cam Cameron makes my brain hurt.

The Dolphins Now Have a Midget Backfield

The Dolphins have signed former Green Bay Packers and Houston Texans running back Samkon Gado off waivers.

This is now the Dolphins backfield:

Jesse Chatman: 5'8"
Samkon Gado: 5'9"
Patrick Cobbs: 5'8"

The Dolphins backfield now consists of fucking Oompa Loompas.

Oh, there is Lorenzo Booker, who stands at 5'10" which is almost 6 feet!

But a huge criteria for being counted as being part of the backfield is to, you know, play an actual play or two.

Cam Cameron makes my brain hurt.

All Hope Rests on Zack's Neck, a Dude Called Schultz, and Moses

Zach Thomas may have whiplash. You may or may not have heard, but Zach was involved in a minor car accident after Sunday's loss to the Patriots. Because he's a Miami Dolphin. And crazy shit like that is supposed to only happen to the Miami Dolphins.

Anyway, turns out the team fears that he either suffered another concussion or whip lash because of the accident, which means that we may be without Zach for the UK game.

And in other Dolphins news:

*No Face missed practice today, nursing a high ankle sprain. The nickname we branded him with seems to have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, no?

*Miami also signed former Dolphin free safety Lance Schulters. Schultz was actually a pretty good safety when he was here in 2005. He started all 16 games for us and made 4 INTs and 76 tackles. Not too shabby.

Yea he's old (32). But right now, he's the best player we have in the secondary. In fact, Tattoo from Fantasy Island would be the best player we have in the secondary.

*The Dolphins also signed rookie DE Quentin Moses. Just a couple of seasons ago, Moses was considered a top draft prospect at Georgia. Had he come out during his sophomore season, he would've been a late first-round pick. Instead, he stayed for his senior season and took a big dump on his own future by having a mediocre season. He slipped to the third round in last April's Draft and was taken by Oakland. Then, the Raiders cut him after he failed to impress in the pre-season. Then he signed with the Cardinals. They too were not impressed.

Now, he's a Dolphin. And he is the 5th defensive lineman the Fins have added in the past two weeks.

Two words: Amobi. Fucking. Okoeye.

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So, this weekend's big UK game will be without a real quarterback, Zach Thomas, Chris Chambers, Ronnie Brown and David Martin. So it'll be the NY Giants versus the Dolphins pre-season squad.

Wow.

All Hope Rests on Zack's Neck, a Dude Called Schultz, and Moses

Zach Thomas may have whiplash. You may or may not have heard, but Zach was involved in a minor car accident after Sunday's loss to the Patriots. Because he's a Miami Dolphin. And crazy shit like that is supposed to only happen to the Miami Dolphins.

Anyway, turns out the team fears that he either suffered another concussion or whip lash because of the accident, which means that we may be without Zach for the UK game.

And in other Dolphins news:

*No Face missed practice today, nursing a high ankle sprain. The nickname we branded him with seems to have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, no?

*Miami also signed former Dolphin free safety Lance Schulters. Schultz was actually a pretty good safety when he was here in 2005. He started all 16 games for us and made 4 INTs and 76 tackles. Not too shabby.

Yea he's old (32). But right now, he's the best player we have in the secondary. In fact, Tattoo from Fantasy Island would be the best player we have in the secondary.

*The Dolphins also signed rookie DE Quentin Moses. Just a couple of seasons ago, Moses was considered a top draft prospect at Georgia. Had he come out during his sophomore season, he would've been a late first-round pick. Instead, he stayed for his senior season and took a big dump on his own future by having a mediocre season. He slipped to the third round in last April's Draft and was taken by Oakland. Then, the Raiders cut him after he failed to impress in the pre-season. Then he signed with the Cardinals. They too were not impressed.

Now, he's a Dolphin. And he is the 5th defensive lineman the Fins have added in the past two weeks.

Two words: Amobi. Fucking. Okoeye.

-
So, this weekend's big UK game will be without a real quarterback, Zach Thomas, Chris Chambers, Ronnie Brown and David Martin. So it'll be the NY Giants versus the Dolphins pre-season squad.

Wow.

Jason Taylor is King of the Monsters

 

This is the most awesomest thing ever.

If Walt Disney and I had ever met to have lunch at a Starbucks, you know, to discuss ideas and hit on the goth chicks behind the counter (he'd have a cold tuna salad sandwich..me, the black & white cookie), this is what we would've come up with after several frappucinos and crude sketches on a couple of napkins.

The NFL is going to mark the historic occasion of the first regular season game being played overseas by unleashing the terror of Jason Taylor to the masses.

That's right. It's something straight out of this shitty excuse of a blog: a giant robotic Jason Taylor!

At 26 feet, the Big JT animatronic is the biggest animated human figure ever built. It was created by an award winning engineering team in London, the SFX Compant Artem Ltd.

Some of the robot's highlights:

    * Standing at 26ft tall � Big JT is almost the height of two double decker buses stacked on top of each other. It is the biggest structure of its kind ever built.
    * The animatronic has moveable feet and arms and travels at 4-5mph � a single Big JT footstep covers nearly 2.5m
    * Each of his custom made shoes are 6ft long and contain laces measuring 6.5m in length
    * Each of the animatronics eyeballs are the size of a large grapefruit.
    * Big JT�s handspan is larger than a doorway
    * A specially adapted camera is fitted to the helmet of Big JT and is programmed to transmit images of what Jason �sees� onto a 40ft LED screen which travels behind him. Big JT also reacts to footage of himself and team mates played on the screen - cheering touchdowns and tough tackles.

Did you read that? It has eyes that work! Holy shit. This thing is going to kill some English people. Probably because they keep referring to his size in the metric system, which is confusing as hell. But mainly because it "reacts" to the plays it sees on the screen. And if this big son-of-a-bitch is anything like me when I watch a Dolphins game, it's going to smash some shit up all over London.

Seriously, this is straight out of my wildest childhood dreams. A Miami Dolphins player turned into a giant robot! I am giddy.

Unfortunately, the Dolphins will probably not be able to use Big JT for the actual game against the Giants. Nor will they be able to have him hop a ship to come play out the rest of the season here in the States. Lord knows we could use a 26 foot giant robot. But alas, Big JT will stay in the UK. And be a completely useless wanker.

Unless Godzilla decides to attack London. Then it is so on.