Last night the entire nation got to see just how the Patriots can pull a win out their asses even when they’re man-handled at home. Tonight, the entire nation gets to see just how the Dolphins can pull a loss out their asses even when they dominate all the major stat-lines of the game. It’s a fascinating study that will have scientists and think-tanks debating for decades to come.
So tonight, the country will either sympathize with our plight or they will recoil in horror at just how bad we truly are. Or they’ll realize that this is a Steelers-Dolphins matchup and will watch Charlie Sheen’s shenanigans on Two and a Half Men instead. Somewhere in Bristol, an ESPN executive is having his toe-nails pulled off one at a time for recommending this bag of dog shit of a matchup for a Monday nighter.
During the off-season I wrote a piece for Mondesis House on why the Dolphins would win this game. My argument came down to Joey Porter and that the fact that the Dolphins organization is slightly less gayer than the Steelers. And if you ask me, that's just as good as any analysis you’ll hear from Sean Salisbury. Tonight, we’ll get to see it unfold.
Armando Salguero is reporting that Ricky Williams is going to get the start tonight. (That’s fucking insane!) But the reality is, Ronnie Brown is on IR, Jesse Chatman has a bad cankle and Patrick Cobbs is a leprechaun. So Cam Cameron really has no other choice on the matter. Also, Zach Thomas and his blowed up brain will not play tonight. As for Derrick Pope and his super-secret-double-probation trip to the hospital over the weekend, he’s fine and made the trip to Yinzviille. No word on whether or not he received a talent transplant. Even if he did, I would imagine his body would reject it anyway.
As for the offense, John Beck gets his second career start. From what I’ve heard and read, the weather will be shitty in Pittsburgh tonight. The Steelers and their fans will be agitated and filled with rage and are going to throw wrenches and hammers at Beck tonight to get last week’s loss to the Jets out of their mouths. The Dolphins remain 0-10 and Cam Cameron remains the play-caller. Short of a freak bowling ball to the groin accident, I can’t think of a harsher way for a rookie QB to start his NFL career.
The good news is the Steelers will be without Troy Polumalu and Santonio Holmes. So hopefully, Cam will bag the conservative approach and allow Beck to let his balls fly – the football, not his testicles. With Holmes out, the Fins need to concentrate on Willie Parker and put a shitload of pressure on Ben Roethlisberger (Shit. Polumalu, Roethlisberger. My spell check just blew its brains out). Our defense has played stellar of late and I can’t help but think a nationally televised game is just what Jason Taylor needs to have a Jason Taylor-like game.
So, here’s to Joey Porter returning home and having his best game in a Dolphins uniform. Here’s to John Beck getting his first career win. Here’s to a triumphant return of Ricky Williams. Here’s to the Dolphins getting that elusive first W. Here’s to Tony Kornheiser’s head exploding like that dude from Scanners as soon as he utters the words “Tom and Brady.”
Prediction: Steelers 31- Dolphins 20
(Comments are welcome during the game. I would live-blog it but I'll be busy throwing shit at my television and battling a serious case of Tourettes, as I am wont to do when I watch a Dolphins game)