Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Ricky Meets The Crew, Dolphins Hand out Turkey Dinners

Hey guys. I'm here to help with the Thanksgiving drive.

Aye there me brave lassie! Me name's Patrick Cobbs.

Hi. Ricky.

Lemme tell yeh boy-o, I should be the starting running beck on this ere team!

Okay. Sounds good to me.

Aye but I tripped over my shillelagh as I was fightin' a leprechaun and a fairy and I hurt me plum gibblets. They took me Guinness, so I kicked the fairy in his wee little testes and stabbed the leprechaun with a shiv I carved out from a toy compass I gets from me Lucky Charms cereal.

Well. That's great. Um... I'm just here to help hand out turkeys and whatever else you guys need.

Hello!

Um. Hi.

I am Samkon Gado. I am from Africa. I am very happy to be here! I make good runnings with Miami Dolphins, yes. I have many good friends with Miami Dolphins. Joey Porter is my good buddy.

Great.

"Give me my money, mother-focker!!! Or I will cut you and take your bitch!!!"

Excuse me???

I do not know what this means. But my good buddy Joey Porter teach me to say it at every conclusion of playing-card contest called Bleck Jeck. It is a very affective strategy.

Oh... um. Okay.

I am very happy to be here!

  Mumph, mumphlerel, mumphlreer, mumphrlere...

What?

Mumphrle... :gulp: Sorry. Had a corn dog in m-mouth. I'm Jesse. So. You here to take my starter's job, homey?

I just want to play football. I'll accept whatever roll coach gives me.

I heard you a good runner. Like world-class n'shit.

I guess.

Yea, yea, yea. But can you fit two whole turkeys in yer mouth?

Um. No. Of course not.

Okay guys. Bus is leaving to give away the turkey dinners. Let's go!

Okay. Great!

Lemme at em, coach. Aye I got me silver spoon ready to hand out stuffin.

I am very happy to be here!

Murf!....Murf!

Jesse! Jesse! Chatman!!! Spit those darn turkeys out your mouth and get on the bus!

:PEW!: Sorry coach. Just tryin to prove I deserve the starting job.

By shoving two whole turkeys in your mouth? What in heck fire will that prove?

Hey coach.

What??!

What time is lunch? I needs to get me more of them corn dogs up in m'mouth...sheeeeeit!!! Them muthafuckas are tase-ty!!!

Christ almighty. Get on the bus.

Kay coach.

  :sigh" Should have waited til they fired Marty in San Diego before agreeing to this job.

I told ya!*

-
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, NATION. BE GOOD. BE SAFE. HAVE FUN. AND DON'T LEAVE ANY LEFTOVERS. OR JESSE WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE....

*for those of you new to the site, yes, Cam Cameron's penis talks to Cam.

Ricky Meets The Crew, Dolphins Hand out Turkey Dinners

Hey guys. I’m here to help with the Thanksgiving drive.

Aye there me brave lassie! Me name’s Patrick Cobbs.

Hi. Ricky.

Lemme tell yeh boy-o, I should be the starting running beck on this ere team!

Okay. Sounds good to me.

Aye but I tripped over my shillelagh as I was fightin' a leprechaun and a fairy and I hurt me plum gibblets. They took me Guinness, so I kicked the fairy in his wee little testes and stabbed the leprechaun with a shiv I carved out from a toy compass I gets from me Lucky Charms cereal.

Well. That’s great. Um... I’m just here to help hand out turkeys and whatever else you guys need.

Hello!

Um. Hi.

I am Samkon Gado. I am from Africa. I am very happy to be here! I make good runnings with Miami Dolphins, yes. I have many good friends with Miami Dolphins. Joey Porter is my good buddy.

Great.

"Give me my money, mother-focker!!! Or I will cut you and take your bitch!!!"

Excuse me???

I do not know what this means. But my good buddy Joey Porter teach me to say it at every conclusion of playing-card contest called Bleck Jeck. It is a very affective strategy.

Oh… um. Okay.

I am very happy to be here!

  Mumph, mumphlerel, mumphlreer, mumphrlere…

What?

Mumphrle… :gulp: … Sorry. Had a corn dog in m’mouth. I’m Jesse. So. You here to take my starter's job, homey?

I just want to play football. I'll accept whatever roll coach gives me.

I heard you a good runner. Like world-class n'shit.

I guess.

Yea, yea, yea. But can you fit two whole turkeys in yer mouth?

Um. No. Of course not.

Okay guys. Bus is leaving to give away the turkey dinners. Let's go!

Okay. Great!

Lemme at em, coach. Aye I got me silver spoon ready to hand out stuffin.

I am very happy to be here!

Murf!....Murf!

Jesse! Jesse! Chatman!!! Spit those darn turkeys out your mouth and get on the bus!

:PEW!: Sorry coach. Just tryin to prove I deserve the starting job.

By shoving two whole turkeys in your mouth? What in heck fire will that prove?

Hey coach.

What??!

What time is lunch? I needs to get me more of them corn dogs up in m'mouth...sheeeeeit!!! Them muthafuckas are tase-ty!!!

Christ almighty. Get on the bus.

Kay coach.

  :sigh" Should have waited til they fired Marty in San Diego before agreeing to this job.

I told ya!*

-
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, NATION. BE GOOD. BE SAFE. HAVE FUN. AND DON'T LEAVE ANY LEFTOVERS. OR JESSE WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE....

*for those of you new to the site, yes, Cam Cameron's penis talks to Cam.

Sour Lemons

Cleo Lemon is not happy. He thinks the Dolphins would have won had he been in there Sunday instead of John Beck.

Cleo Lemon watched from the sideline at dreary Lincoln Financial Field and imagined himself guiding the Dolphins on a crucial touchdown drive and maybe, just maybe, a victory�He held the job four games and lost every one, but he felt he could have made the difference in Philadelphia, where rookie John Beck made his NFL debut�

When asked to assess Beck�s debut, Lemon declined.

"I'm not going to talk about anybody else's performance," Lemon said. "I can't speak on their performance. I can only speak on what I can give to this team. I feel like I can give a lot to this team, but when decisions are made you just have to play your role." After the game, Beck remained in his shoulder pads and at his locker to soak in [Trent] Green's counsel after many Dolphins had showered, dressed and headed for the bus. Lemon was nowhere to be seen.

Cleo Lemon thinks he could have made a difference in the Philly game? Why the fuck would he think that? What the fuck? It�s like going to a deli and ordering a fresh turkey on wheat with lettuce, tomato and a hint of Dijon mustard and getting a raisin and toenail sandwich instead. It makes no goddamed sense.

I understand Cleo is a competitor and that every competitor should believe in himself and want to be in the game and try really hard and all that crap. But that�s just shit you tell the fat kid who you ended up with on your kick-ball team. Suck is suck. Try as hard as you want, you�re still gonna suck. Just the way it is.

Does Cleo realize he was abhorrent when he played in five games for us this season? And does he realize that he was never meant to be the long-term solution down here? And does he realize the last thing an 0-10 team needs is a whining, sulking douchebag who refuses to help the young, inexperienced rookie? And can I ask any more rhetorical questions?

Cleo had more than his fair share at the controls. The plane crashed. It crashed three times. Then after crashing for the forth time, the pilot said �Meh, fuck it. Let�s try it again,� took off and crashed again. That�s it. End of the Cleo Lemon era. Thank you very much.

Holy cock bags the rash of bad quarterbacks over the years down here have been like a pestilence.

Sour Lemons

Cleo Lemon is not happy. He thinks the Dolphins would have won had he been in there Sunday instead of John Beck.

Cleo Lemon watched from the sideline at dreary Lincoln Financial Field and imagined himself guiding the Dolphins on a crucial touchdown drive and maybe, just maybe, a victory…He held the job four games and lost every one, but he felt he could have made the difference in Philadelphia, where rookie John Beck made his NFL debut…

When asked to assess Beck’s debut, Lemon declined.

"I'm not going to talk about anybody else's performance," Lemon said. "I can't speak on their performance. I can only speak on what I can give to this team. I feel like I can give a lot to this team, but when decisions are made you just have to play your role." After the game, Beck remained in his shoulder pads and at his locker to soak in [Trent] Green's counsel after many Dolphins had showered, dressed and headed for the bus. Lemon was nowhere to be seen.

Cleo Lemon thinks he could have made a difference in the Philly game? Why the fuck would he think that? What the fuck? It’s like going to a deli and ordering a fresh turkey on wheat with lettuce, tomato and a hint of Dijon mustard and getting a raisin and toenail sandwich instead. It makes no goddamed sense.

I understand Cleo is a competitor and that every competitor should believe in himself and want to be in the game and try really hard and all that crap. But that’s just shit you tell the fat kid who you ended up with on your kick-ball team. Suck is suck. Try as hard as you want, you’re still gonna suck. Just the way it is.

Does Cleo realize he was abhorrent when he played in five games for us this season? And does he realize that he was never meant to be the long-term solution down here? And does he realize the last thing an 0-10 team needs is a whining, sulking douchebag who refuses to help the young, inexperienced rookie? And can I ask any more rhetorical questions?

Cleo had more than his fair share at the controls. The plane crashed. It crashed three times. Then after crashing for the forth time, the pilot said “Meh, fuck it. Let’s try it again,” took off and crashed again. That’s it. End of the Cleo Lemon era. Thank you very much.

Holy cock bags the rash of bad quarterbacks over the years down here have been like a pestilence.

Look Ma! No Flags! Weeee!!

For those of you who missed it (I�m looking right at you Lady Phin! Hey! You�re hot!), here�s Ted Ginn�s first (official) punt return for a touchdown. Posted here for posterity for us to enjoy forever and ever. Until the Gestapo over at NFL.com takes the video down.

Watching Teddy looking over his shoulder for a penalty flag makes me chuckle every time.

And then I weep silently and bitterly as I shake my fist in the air�.

Why God? Why do we lose a game even when we lead it in turnovers and big plays???

Why??????!!!!

Update: Click here to vote for Ted Ginn as Diet Pepsi Rookie of the Week. Do it. Do it now!

Look Ma! No Flags! Weeee!!

For those of you who missed it (I’m looking right at you Lady Phin! Hey! You’re hot!), here’s Ted Ginn’s first (official) punt return for a touchdown. Posted here for posterity for us to enjoy forever and ever. Until the Gestapo over at NFL.com takes the video down.

Watching Teddy looking over his shoulder for a penalty flag makes me chuckle every time.

And then I weep silently and bitterly as I shake my fist in the air….

Why God? Why do we lose a game even when we lead it in turnovers and big plays???

Why??????!!!!

Update: Click here to vote for Ted Ginn as Diet Pepsi Rookie of the Week. Do it. Do it now!

Nick Saban Is A Master Motivator, History Buff

 
We start the day with some news happening outside of Fins Nation. Former Dolphins coach -- but forever the holder of the lifetime achievement award for being a dick -- Nick Saban compared his Alabama team�s plight to 9/11:

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."

Pearl Harbor did kind of, sort of, get us ready for World War II. Or whatever. Who the fuck knows? Does it really matter? That shit is ancient history. All those people who died in Pearl Harbor were old anyway. I seen the pictures. 

And God knows 9/11 changed my spirit relative to catastrophic events. Like every time I burn my tongue when I bring my coffee up to my mouth too fast. I don�t get upset like I used to. I just blow into the cup and try again. Crisis averted. Whew. Thanks 9/11!

Yea, Nick Saban is still a fucking douchebag relative to being a goddamed shitheel. He and his $4 million a year contract (highest paid fucker in Division I-A) just got his Little Debbie snack cakes shoved up his ass by Louisiana Monroe. Or was it ITT Tech? Some might say the distress of such an embarrassing loss, coupled by the team's current three-game losing streak, is the reason why he came out and made such insensitive remarks. But, no. He made those remarks because he�s an asshole.

Oh, and by the way Nick, we�re still waiting for changes to occur down here after the catastrophe known as your tenure as our head coach.

Nick Saban Is A Master Motivator, History Buff

 
We start the day with some news happening outside of Fins Nation. Former Dolphins coach -- but forever the holder of the lifetime achievement award for being a dick -- Nick Saban compared his Alabama team’s plight to 9/11:

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."

Pearl Harbor did kind of, sort of, get us ready for World War II. Or whatever. Who the fuck knows? Does it really matter? That shit is ancient history. All those people who died in Pearl Harbor were old anyway. I seen the pictures. 

And God knows 9/11 changed my spirit relative to catastrophic events. Like every time I burn my tongue when I bring my coffee up to my mouth too fast. I don’t get upset like I used to. I just blow into the cup and try again. Crisis averted. Whew. Thanks 9/11!

Yea, Nick Saban is still a fucking douchebag relative to being a goddamed shitheel. He and his $4 million a year contract (highest paid fucker in Division I-A) just got his Little Debbie snack cakes shoved up his ass by Louisiana Monroe. Or was it ITT Tech? Some might say the distress of such an embarrassing loss, coupled by the team's current three-game losing streak, is the reason why he came out and made such insensitive remarks. But, no. He made those remarks because he’s an asshole.

Oh, and by the way Nick, we’re still waiting for changes to occur down here after the catastrophe known as your tenure as our head coach.

Unperfect 10

Hey, Miami Dolphins, let me ask you something. Do you take pleasure in tormenting me? Does it fill your heart with unbridled glee to see me absolutely giddy one minute and completely distressed the very next minute? Do you? You know, this is the kind of shit they pull with the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.

Cam Cameron is the only head coach in the NFL who possesses both balls of steel, for going for it on 4th and Goal, and shit for brains, for calling the worst possible play in the playbook to try and convert said 4th and Goal.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

Listen, I didn�t expect us to win this game. I totally expected Brian Westbrook to do what he did against us. And I totally came into this game with the sole purpose of watching John Beck�s debut, and that�s it. But when the defense shows up the way it did in the first half, containing Westbrook, intercepting Donovan McNabb twice, and then forcing him out with an injury, and when the special teams scores a penalty-free punt-return touchdown in addition to all this, you just know thoughts of happy smiley ponies, glittery rainbows and topless Hooters girls licking honey barbeque sauce off my body are dancing in my head. Could this be it?!! Could this be our first win?!! Could it? Will it? And then, boom. It happens. We get caught with our pants around our ankles and an empty tissue-paper roll. And there's not a single extra roll of Charmin in the cupboard and no paper of any kind to be found. And we're at our girlfriend's friend's dinner party. And we just dropped a major deuce that would make Godzilla proud.

Yea. That's what this Dolphins team does to us every week. Satisfaction followed by a sudden mix of extreme horror, frustration and embarrassment.

So stop it with the tormenting you assholes! If you�re going to lose, then at least lose extravagantly. I mean make it lavish. I want to be able to turn to my buddies after the game and go, �Wow! Now THAT was an ass-kicking!� Enough of this �almost got it� nonsense. Because I just can�t take the abuse much longer. 

As for the highlights, I will say this about Ted Ginn�s touchdown: it was probably the only punt return for a touchdown I have ever celebrated two seconds after it was scored. The whole time Ginn was running, while the rest of the room was yelling �Go! Go! Go!!!� I sat quietly and waited for the inevitable yellow spot in the giant sea of green. Hell, even Teddy was waiting for it, peering behind him as he trotted into the endzone. But, no flags. TD is good. 87-yards. Team record. Sweet.

And as for The Mormon, you can read my super-serious-football-analyst-guy analysis on his debut here. He looked as I thought he would. Like a rookie. His passes were hurried and forced. The game seemed to move faster than he could think. But he displayed everything I was hoping for: great pocket awareness, nimble feet, smart decisions, no turnovers, strong presence in the huddle, and accuracy. He even called some coverage audibles when he saw certain blitzes coming. Oh, and his insistence on throwing the ball vertically and to Ted Ginn definitely won him some awesome points. The Legend of the Mormon is off to an okay start so far. Just need to convert a 3rd down every now and then. That would be great.

But here we are. Another unbearable Monday, waking up in a world where the Patriots are shoving sticks of dynamite into opposing defense's pants and are clearly headed towards 19-0, while the Dolphins are being run by fucking Snaggle Puss. We�re now 0-10 and looking at a Monday Night game on the road against what will be a pissed off Pittsburgh Steelers after they dropped one to the Jets yesterday. Thank you schedule makers! Your box of cat shit is in the mail and en route! I only wish we were playing on Thanksgiving Day this week, so that I can have an excuse to get trashed while watching the game and not have to worry about it the next day since there�s no work. Ah, fuck it. I�ll get trashed anyway. We�re 0-10. We�re the Miami Dolphins. It�s my right as an American.

Unperfect 10

Hey, Miami Dolphins, let me ask you something. Do you take pleasure in tormenting me? Does it fill your heart with unbridled glee to see me absolutely giddy one minute and completely distressed the very next minute? Do you? You know, this is the kind of shit they pull with the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.

Cam Cameron is the only head coach in the NFL who possesses both balls of steel, for going for it on 4th and Goal, and shit for brains, for calling the worst possible play in the playbook to try and convert said 4th and Goal.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

Listen, I didn’t expect us to win this game. I totally expected Brian Westbrook to do what he did against us. And I totally came into this game with the sole purpose of watching John Beck’s debut, and that’s it. But when the defense shows up the way it did in the first half, containing Westbrook, intercepting Donovan McNabb twice, and then forcing him out with an injury, and when the special teams scores a penalty-free punt-return touchdown in addition to all this, you just know thoughts of happy smiley ponies, glittery rainbows and topless Hooters girls licking honey barbeque sauce off my body are dancing in my head. Could this be it?!! Could this be our first win?!! Could it? Will it? And then, boom. It happens. We get caught with our pants around our ankles and an empty tissue-paper roll. And there's not a single extra roll of Charmin in the cupboard and no paper of any kind to be found. And we're at our girlfriend's friend's dinner party. And we just dropped a major deuce that would make Godzilla proud.

Yea. That's what this Dolphins team does to us every week. Satisfaction followed by a sudden mix of extreme horror, frustration and embarrassment.

So stop it with the tormenting you assholes! If you’re going to lose, then at least lose extravagantly. I mean make it lavish. I want to be able to turn to my buddies after the game and go, “Wow! Now THAT was an ass-kicking!” Enough of this “almost got it” nonsense. Because I just can’t take the abuse much longer. 

As for the highlights, I will say this about Ted Ginn’s touchdown: it was probably the only punt return for a touchdown I have ever celebrated two seconds after it was scored. The whole time Ginn was running, while the rest of the room was yelling “Go! Go! Go!!!” I sat quietly and waited for the inevitable yellow spot in the giant sea of green. Hell, even Teddy was waiting for it, peering behind him as he trotted into the endzone. But, no flags. TD is good. 87-yards. Team record. Sweet.

And as for The Mormon, you can read my super-serious-football-analyst-guy analysis on his debut here. He looked as I thought he would. Like a rookie. His passes were hurried and forced. The game seemed to move faster than he could think. But he displayed everything I was hoping for: great pocket awareness, nimble feet, smart decisions, no turnovers, strong presence in the huddle, and accuracy. He even called some coverage audibles when he saw certain blitzes coming. Oh, and his insistence on throwing the ball vertically and to Ted Ginn definitely won him some awesome points. The Legend of the Mormon is off to an okay start so far. Just need to convert a 3rd down every now and then. That would be great.

But here we are. Another unbearable Monday, waking up in a world where the Patriots are shoving sticks of dynamite into opposing defense's pants and are clearly headed towards 19-0, while the Dolphins are being run by fucking Snaggle Puss. We’re now 0-10 and looking at a Monday Night game on the road against what will be a pissed off Pittsburgh Steelers after they dropped one to the Jets yesterday. Thank you schedule makers! Your box of cat shit is in the mail and en route! I only wish we were playing on Thanksgiving Day this week, so that I can have an excuse to get trashed while watching the game and not have to worry about it the next day since there’s no work. Ah, fuck it. I’ll get trashed anyway. We’re 0-10. We’re the Miami Dolphins. It’s my right as an American.