Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

The John Beck Era Begins. Thank you Jesus!

   
For a while there, it looked like I was actually going to have to hunt Cam Cameron down and stab him with a trident. But, turns out, I won’t have to. Sure glad I won’t have to go to jail. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind going to jail for the good of the Dolphins and you, Fins Nation. It’s just that the idea of eating stale bread everyday of my life is not that appealing. That and all the sodomy. So, Cam names John Beck the starter and accepts Ricky “The Pot Jokes Are As Old and Funny as Al Davis” Williams back into the fold. Crisis averted.

I’d like to think that this week was some sort of miracle. An act of God’s mercy. A way of The Almighty telling us that this season was just supposed to be one of his practical jokes, like American Idol or Keanu Reeves-- actor; but that things got a little out of hand and, with all the war, diseases and poor children to tend to, he forgot to come back and check on us. So here we are.

The last rookie quarterback to start a game for the Miami Dolphins turned out to have a pretty decent career. He was and always will be The Right Arm of God. Now we turn our hopes to the first rookie QB to start since The Right Arm of God. We call him, The Mormon. Can you smell the divine theme? I can. Smells like, victory. With a hint of saffron.

This week, against the Eagles, I expect The Mormon to run into the usual “Holy shit these NFL linebackers and safeties are fast as hell and can hit like a runaway cement truck doing 180!” moment every rookie QB goes through. I’m not expecting miracles or even a win. What I do want to see is what I’ve been predicting all along for Beck – a poised player with a short memory, an ability to lead, and an ability to throw the football better than, oh, let’s say for argument’s sake, Jay Fiedler. And Sage Rosenfels. And Damon Huard. And Brian Griese. And AJ Feeley. And Ray Lucas. And Gus Frerotte. And Trent Green. And Cleo Lemon.

I expect a lot of mistakes and misfires. Still, I’m enthusiastic about the start of the John Beck era this week. Eventually, I expect Beck to pull thunderbolts out of his ass, call down fire from the heavens and save a drowning baby or two throughout his career. I really do. Because The Mormon is a gift from the gods and, like Perseus before him, he shall be a wonder to behold, possessor of the heads of monsters he slew and the honor of nymphs he loved, throwing the football as swift as the speed of thought, leading the Dolphins to victory on winged sandals and bearing gifts for the poor and indigent.

Anyway, I’m kind of excited about the whole thing.   

Keys to the Game: Who cares? I’m actually giddy about watching a Dolphins game for once! I’m betting that you are too!

Prediction: Reality sets in. The Eagles are going to blitz the shit out of John Beck. Assholes. The Eagles also have this one guy named Brian Westbrook. Fuck that guy. Because he’s good. Really good. The Fins will once again be without Zach Thomas and, even with all the miracles we’ve received this week, there’s one miracle that is beyond cure: the Dolphins suck ass. Even Jesus Christ says, “Sure I can cure leprosy. See this guy? He was dead for three and a half days and I revived him! What’s that? You want me to make the Miami Dolphins good? Oh, uh… there’s my bus! Gotta run!”

Eagles 31- Dolphins 13

Still, John Beck dude! John Beck!

Ricky Williams ..... Is A Miami Dolphin...

My man Armando is reporting that Ricky's meeting with Cam and the Fins went very well today. And that, as soon as he passes a physical, Ricky can start practicing with the team and will play this season.

Man, the barrage of good news these last two days have been like when a girl sends you off on a "nice meeting you" blow the morning after hooking up. Smiles, everyone! Smiles!

Ricky Williams ..... Is A Miami Dolphin...

My man Armando is reporting that Ricky's meeting with Cam and the Fins went very well today. And that, as soon as he passes a physical, Ricky can start practicing with the team and will play this season.

Man, the barrage of good news these last two days have been like when a girl sends you off on a "nice meeting you" blow the morning after hooking up. Smiles, everyone! Smiles!

Say Yes to Ricky!

I�m still riding this rare euphoric wave of having not one, but two, good pieces of Dolphins news dropped on us in one day. Jesus, it�s been a while since we had any kind of good news round these parts. In the back of my mind, I�m still waiting for the pile of shit to drop in my soup with the usual cursed nonsense we get from this team like, I don�t know, Ted Ginn�s knee just exploded for no reason whatsoever or Cam Cameron decided to trade Jason Taylor to Minnesota for Koy Detmer and a copy of ABBA�s Greatest Hits Live double CD set or some shit. Something to break us all out of this rare happy stupor and back into full-blown �Ah fuck! Motherfucker!� mode we Dolphins fans are all accustomed to.

But I�m gonna ride this thing until it runs into the proverbial brick wall. Because it�s all I got to cling to. John Beck is finally getting the start and should start the rest of the way. This is very good. Also very good, Ricky Williams� reinstatement. And as he meets with Cam today, I�m hoping the two parties can come to an agreement and that Ricky will once again don the Aqua and Orange and help us ride out the rest of this godforsaken season.

Look, I know there are still a lot of you out there who would like to stick Ricky�s nuts in a waffle iron for an hour or two. He's a selfish double-crosser. He did a bad thing. He betrayed and murdered your father. He�s more machine now, than man. Twisted and evil. I understand that. But let�s face it. We need Ricky back in the worst way. More than that, John Beck could really use a player like Ricky. As The Mormon gets thrown to the wolves, he�s gonna need all the help he can get. And Ricky provides that help. Sure, he can always backslide to his old ways and send his career up in smoke (see what I did there? I made a subtle reference to Ricky�s pot smoking. Aren�t I funny and clever?). But so what? It would be his loss. What do we have to lose? We�re 0-9, man. We need help. John Beck needs help. Plus, I need a reason to keep watching this shit storm of a team.

Here are some stats. And you know I love me some stats. I love stats the way Baltimore Orioles first baseman Aubrey Huff loves porn!

2002 was the best year of Williams� career as he ended the season with 2,216 all-purpose yards. He averaged 4.8 yards per carry � more than his career average of 4.0. In 2003, Williams rushed for 1,372 yards, averaged 3.5 yards per carry. 2005, after serving a four game suspension during his first �come-back� with the team, Williams ended the season with 743 rushing yards, sharing the load with Ronnie Brown. This season, he�d be playing behind a much improved offensive line that has featured a 100+ yard runner in seven straight games.

That�s a spicy meat-a-balls!

So, I say let�s smoke the peace pipe with Ricky (see! I did it again! Oh these marijuana jokes never get old) and be friends again. We just might win a game or two. Or we may not win any games at all. But we�ll at least be the Super Bowl champions of peace, love and harmony. And isn�t that what�s it�s all about anyway? So, as Nancy Reagan taught us all in that one episode of Diff'rent Strokes when Dudley got all strung up on some high end, pure Columbian Grade A shit: "Say Yes to Ricky!" Or... something to that affect.

Now come read my piece on why the Fins should welcome Ricky back over at The Phish Tank (and leave a comment or two). With apologies to Big Daddy Drew, I reference Ricky as the Aqua Judas in the column. I also got a serious writer vibe going on there too. Very sexy. It�s all good, baby. Swing on by....

Say Yes to Ricky!

I’m still riding this rare euphoric wave of having not one, but two, good pieces of Dolphins news dropped on us in one day. Jesus, it’s been a while since we had any kind of good news round these parts. In the back of my mind, I’m still waiting for the pile of shit to drop in my soup with the usual cursed nonsense we get from this team like, I don’t know, Ted Ginn’s knee just exploded for no reason whatsoever or Cam Cameron decided to trade Jason Taylor to Minnesota for Koy Detmer and a copy of ABBA’s Greatest Hits Live double CD set or some shit. Something to break us all out of this rare happy stupor and back into full-blown “Ah fuck! Motherfucker!” mode we Dolphins fans are all accustomed to.

But I’m gonna ride this thing until it runs into the proverbial brick wall. Because it’s all I got to cling to. John Beck is finally getting the start and should start the rest of the way. This is very good. Also very good, Ricky Williams’ reinstatement. And as he meets with Cam today, I’m hoping the two parties can come to an agreement and that Ricky will once again don the Aqua and Orange and help us ride out the rest of this godforsaken season.

Look, I know there are still a lot of you out there who would like to stick Ricky’s nuts in a waffle iron for an hour or two. He's a selfish double-crosser. He did a bad thing. He betrayed and murdered your father. He’s more machine now, than man. Twisted and evil. I understand that. But let’s face it. We need Ricky back in the worst way. More than that, John Beck could really use a player like Ricky. As The Mormon gets thrown to the wolves, he’s gonna need all the help he can get. And Ricky provides that help. Sure, he can always backslide to his old ways and send his career up in smoke (see what I did there? I made a subtle reference to Ricky’s pot smoking. Aren’t I funny and clever?). But so what? It would be his loss. What do we have to lose? We’re 0-9, man. We need help. John Beck needs help. Plus, I need a reason to keep watching this shit storm of a team.

Here are some stats. And you know I love me some stats. I love stats the way Baltimore Orioles first baseman Aubrey Huff loves porn!

2002 was the best year of Williams’ career as he ended the season with 2,216 all-purpose yards. He averaged 4.8 yards per carry – more than his career average of 4.0. In 2003, Williams rushed for 1,372 yards, averaged 3.5 yards per carry. 2005, after serving a four game suspension during his first “come-back” with the team, Williams ended the season with 743 rushing yards, sharing the load with Ronnie Brown. This season, he’d be playing behind a much improved offensive line that has featured a 100+ yard runner in seven straight games.

That’s a spicy meat-a-balls!

So, I say let’s smoke the peace pipe with Ricky (see! I did it again! Oh these marijuana jokes never get old) and be friends again. We just might win a game or two. Or we may not win any games at all. But we’ll at least be the Super Bowl champions of peace, love and harmony. And isn’t that what’s it’s all about anyway? So, as Nancy Reagan taught us all in that one episode of Diff'rent Strokes when Dudley got all strung up on some high end, pure Columbian Grade A shit: "Say Yes to Ricky!" Or... something to that affect.

Now come read my piece on why the Fins should welcome Ricky back over at The Phish Tank (and leave a comment or two). With apologies to Big Daddy Drew, I reference Ricky as the Aqua Judas in the column. I also got a serious writer vibe going on there too. Very sexy. It’s all good, baby. Swing on by....

John Beck Will Start

According to Armando Salguero, Cam Cameron is expected to announce today that John Beck will start against the Eagles on Sunday.

As it is, there won't be any need for me to hunt Cam down and stab him with a trident.

Anyway, you all know I've been calling for this to happen since, like, Week 3. Better late than never I guess.

Woot.

-

*Sexy Update 2*: Ricky will meet with Cam and Dolphins officials tomorrow. This is good news in that Cam will at least meet face to face with Ricky and, hopefully, get him into the fray as soon as possible.

*Sexy Update*: ESPN's Chris Mortensen is reporting that Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL. Now we all wait with bated breath to see how Cam fucks this one up. But, yea, two good news stories in one day. Am I high?

John Beck Will Start

According to Armando Salguero, Cam Cameron is expected to announce today that John Beck will start against the Eagles on Sunday.

As it is, there won't be any need for me to hunt Cam down and stab him with a trident.

Anyway, you all know I've been calling for this to happen since, like, Week 3. Better late than never I guess.

Woot.

-

*Sexy Update 2*: Ricky will meet with Cam and Dolphins officials tomorrow. This is good news in that Cam will at least meet face to face with Ricky and, hopefully, get him into the fray as soon as possible.

*Sexy Update*: ESPN's Chris Mortensen is reporting that Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL. Now we all wait with bated breath to see how Cam fucks this one up. But, yea, two good news stories in one day. Am I high?

Either Cam Cameron Is Retarded, or John Beck Sucks

Today's the day. The day Cam Cameron is supposed to come out and announce that John Beck will be getting the start against Philly this weekend. We all see it coming right? I mean, after all, Cam was non-committal about naming Cleo Lemon as the starter for this week after Sunday's loss to Buffalo. So one is lead to believe that Cam is finally going with the common sense call and giving The Mormon the shot we've all been waiting for. So, this is it. The start of the John Beck era. We're going to get to see if the rook is for real and if he is, finally, the solution to our long-time quarterback problem!

But wait!

That glimmer of hope you just felt? You didn't think the Dolphins would actually let you keep that, did you? LOL. Silly Dolphin fan. How quickly you forget! The Dolphins are not your ordinary NFL franchise. And Cam Cameron is not your ordinary NFL head coach. So hand over that glimmer of hope right now mister! Just who in the hell do you think you are?

The Palm Beach Post quotes a source today that says Lemon will remain the starter for your Miami Dolphins. And that maybe -- maybe -- Beck will come in if Lemon struggles.

Wow. This is what it must feel like to be simultaneously kicked in the testicles while being gang raped by a family of bears.

Now, we won't know for sure what the plan is until Cam has his post-practice news conference this afternoon. But just so you know, be prepared to take a shit at that time. Because you're probably going to want to take a massive one after Cam makes his announcement.

If this source proves to be right, if this information is true, if Lemon does remain the starter even after Cam made us believe he was going to evaluate the whole thing, then we have two options we need to start seriously considering going forward:

#1.) Cam Cameron is a goddamned retard. There has to be medical records somewhere that say one Malcolm "Cam" Cameron has a mental disability. Because no one can be this stupid without it being diagnosed by a trained psychologist or a team of doctors.

or

#2.) John Beck sucks. Cleo Lemon is ranked 28th in the league in quarterback rating. He's 0-5 as a starter. He averaged 4.2 yards per pass last Sunday. He makes bad decisions at the worst possible times. He takes sacks. He failed to lead the Fins into Buffalo territory in when it mattered at home, in a game where our defense mostly dominated. In five games he's thrown only 3 TDs. He brings nothing to the table that inspires hope. And yet, he's been dubbed the guy "who gives us the best chance to win?" So the question is simple: What the fuck has John Beck been doing that he can't beat this sorry sack of shit out for the starting job? It can't just be the old rookie/inexperience thing. Because how much experience does Lemon really have? Exactly.

So, either Cam is an absolute certified idiot, or John Beck is a bust. Which is it? Because I can't take anymore of this bullshit.

I guess we'll see come this afternoon. Hopefully this post will be a moot point and Cam will name Beck the starter and the Post's source will be taken into the woods and shot on general principle. I'll break the news here (or one of the FN Commenters will), so keep it here.

If. You. Dare.

Either Cam Cameron Is Retarded, or John Beck Sucks

Today's the day. The day Cam Cameron is supposed to come out and announce that John Beck will be getting the start against Philly this weekend. We all see it coming right? I mean, after all, Cam was non-committal about naming Cleo Lemon as the starter for this week after Sunday's loss to Buffalo. So one is lead to believe that Cam is finally going with the common sense call and giving The Mormon the shot we've all been waiting for. So, this is it. The start of the John Beck era. We're going to get to see if the rook is for real and if he is, finally, the solution to our long-time quarterback problem!

But wait!

That glimmer of hope you just felt? You didn't think the Dolphins would actually let you keep that, did you? LOL. Silly Dolphin fan. How quickly you forget! The Dolphins are not your ordinary NFL franchise. And Cam Cameron is not your ordinary NFL head coach. So hand over that glimmer of hope right now mister! Just who in the hell do you think you are?

The Palm Beach Post quotes a source today that says Lemon will remain the starter for your Miami Dolphins. And that maybe -- maybe -- Beck will come in if Lemon struggles.

Wow. This is what it must feel like to be simultaneously kicked in the testicles while being gang raped by a family of bears.

Now, we won't know for sure what the plan is until Cam has his post-practice news conference this afternoon. But just so you know, be prepared to take a shit at that time. Because you're probably going to want to take a massive one after Cam makes his announcement.

If this source proves to be right, if this information is true, if Lemon does remain the starter even after Cam made us believe he was going to evaluate the whole thing, then we have two options we need to start seriously considering going forward:

#1.) Cam Cameron is a goddamned retard. There has to be medical records somewhere that say one Malcolm "Cam" Cameron has a mental disability. Because no one can be this stupid without it being diagnosed by a trained psychologist or a team of doctors.

or

#2.) John Beck sucks. Cleo Lemon is ranked 28th in the league in quarterback rating. He's 0-5 as a starter. He averaged 4.2 yards per pass last Sunday. He makes bad decisions at the worst possible times. He takes sacks. He failed to lead the Fins into Buffalo territory in when it mattered at home, in a game where our defense mostly dominated. In five games he's thrown only 3 TDs. He brings nothing to the table that inspires hope. And yet, he's been dubbed the guy "who gives us the best chance to win?" So the question is simple: What the fuck has John Beck been doing that he can't beat this sorry sack of shit out for the starting job? It can't just be the old rookie/inexperience thing. Because how much experience does Lemon really have? Exactly.

So, either Cam is an absolute certified idiot, or John Beck is a bust. Which is it? Because I can't take anymore of this bullshit.

I guess we'll see come this afternoon. Hopefully this post will be a moot point and Cam will name Beck the starter and the Post's source will be taken into the woods and shot on general principle. I'll break the news here (or one of the FN Commenters will), so keep it here.

If. You. Dare.

At A Loss

Sup bitches! It's y'boy Jesse Chatman. Y'all might recognize me as the guy who used to backup LaDainian Tomlinson in San Diego. Some of y'all may recognize me from my playing days at Eastern Washington U. And some of y'all might recognize me from the China King Buffet over on north west 163rd street, and their daily $5.00 all-you-can-eat lunch special. Yup. That dude that ate all the sweet and sour ribs last Wednesday? That was me. Ha-haaaa... That shit wuz crazy delicious. I can fit three of them motherfuckers in my mouth at the same time. F'real. Anyway, now I'm the starting running back for the Miami Dolphins. Ever since Ronnie Brown went down with that knee injury, I've been axed to step in and step up. And I have. Did you see me running over Buffalo? I was runnin all over those motherfuckers like somebody done stole my double sized Milky Way. That is until Coach Cam stopped feeding me the motherfuckin ball and shit. And as y'all that know me from the China King can attest to -- if I ain't being fed, I'm one head stompin, table tossin, salt shaker throwin, rampagin motherfucker! That one waiter who was too slow in re-filling the eggroll tray still has a fork jabbed in his head. It's lodged in his brain. That motherfucker picks up local cable access television in his ears because of that fork. So don't fuck wit Jesse when it's feedin time. What I'm sayin is, when we have the ball on our own five yard line and we're lookin at a 3rd and 7, just hand me the motherfuckin ball. Just feed me, baby. That's all you gots to do. Instead, Cleo went back to pass, froze like he was about to get mounted by a Moose and got sacked for the safety. Meanwhile, Jesse is still waitin to get fed. Know what I'm sayin? Shee-it, that's all I gots to say. 

Hello. Cam Cameron here. I think our running game is doing awfully well. Awfully well. Just super. And while I certainly didn't understand a word Jesse just said, I can tell you that we're all learning. The season is a learning process. Learning is fun. Now, please excuse me. I have to once again come up with a reason why I'm going to choose Cleo Lemon over John Beck again this week. I do this while I listen to some Tom Jones on my iPod. He's fantastic. And yes, in case you were wondering, I do bite my lip when I dance.