For a while there, it looked like I was actually going to have to hunt Cam Cameron down and stab him with a trident. But, turns out, I won’t have to. Sure glad I won’t have to go to jail. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind going to jail for the good of the Dolphins and you, Fins Nation. It’s just that the idea of eating stale bread everyday of my life is not that appealing. That and all the sodomy. So, Cam names John Beck the starter and accepts Ricky “The Pot Jokes Are As Old and Funny as Al Davis” Williams back into the fold. Crisis averted.
I’d like to think that this week was some sort of miracle. An act of God’s mercy. A way of The Almighty telling us that this season was just supposed to be one of his practical jokes, like American Idol or Keanu Reeves-- actor; but that things got a little out of hand and, with all the war, diseases and poor children to tend to, he forgot to come back and check on us. So here we are.
The last rookie quarterback to start a game for the Miami Dolphins turned out to have a pretty decent career. He was and always will be The Right Arm of God. Now we turn our hopes to the first rookie QB to start since The Right Arm of God. We call him, The Mormon. Can you smell the divine theme? I can. Smells like, victory. With a hint of saffron.
This week, against the Eagles, I expect The Mormon to run into the usual “Holy shit these NFL linebackers and safeties are fast as hell and can hit like a runaway cement truck doing 180!” moment every rookie QB goes through. I’m not expecting miracles or even a win. What I do want to see is what I’ve been predicting all along for Beck – a poised player with a short memory, an ability to lead, and an ability to throw the football better than, oh, let’s say for argument’s sake, Jay Fiedler. And Sage Rosenfels. And Damon Huard. And Brian Griese. And AJ Feeley. And Ray Lucas. And Gus Frerotte. And Trent Green. And Cleo Lemon.
I expect a lot of mistakes and misfires. Still, I’m enthusiastic about the start of the John Beck era this week. Eventually, I expect Beck to pull thunderbolts out of his ass, call down fire from the heavens and save a drowning baby or two throughout his career. I really do. Because The Mormon is a gift from the gods and, like Perseus before him, he shall be a wonder to behold, possessor of the heads of monsters he slew and the honor of nymphs he loved, throwing the football as swift as the speed of thought, leading the Dolphins to victory on winged sandals and bearing gifts for the poor and indigent.
Anyway, I’m kind of excited about the whole thing.
Keys to the Game: Who cares? I’m actually giddy about watching a Dolphins game for once! I’m betting that you are too!
Prediction: Reality sets in. The Eagles are going to blitz the shit out of John Beck. Assholes. The Eagles also have this one guy named Brian Westbrook. Fuck that guy. Because he’s good. Really good. The Fins will once again be without Zach Thomas and, even with all the miracles we’ve received this week, there’s one miracle that is beyond cure: the Dolphins suck ass. Even Jesus Christ says, “Sure I can cure leprosy. See this guy? He was dead for three and a half days and I revived him! What’s that? You want me to make the Miami Dolphins good? Oh, uh… there’s my bus! Gotta run!”
Eagles 31- Dolphins 13
Still, John Beck dude! John Beck!