Hey, Miami Dolphins, let me ask you something. Do you take pleasure in tormenting me? Does it fill your heart with unbridled glee to see me absolutely giddy one minute and completely distressed the very next minute? Do you? You know, this is the kind of shit they pull with the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.
Cam Cameron is the only head coach in the NFL who possesses both balls of steel, for going for it on 4th and Goal, and shit for brains, for calling the worst possible play in the playbook to try and convert said 4th and Goal.
Listen, I didn’t expect us to win this game. I totally expected Brian Westbrook to do what he did against us. And I totally came into this game with the sole purpose of watching John Beck’s debut, and that’s it. But when the defense shows up the way it did in the first half, containing Westbrook, intercepting Donovan McNabb twice, and then forcing him out with an injury, and when the special teams scores a penalty-free punt-return touchdown in addition to all this, you just know thoughts of happy smiley ponies, glittery rainbows and topless Hooters girls licking honey barbeque sauce off my body are dancing in my head. Could this be it?!! Could this be our first win?!! Could it? Will it? And then, boom. It happens. We get caught with our pants around our ankles and an empty tissue-paper roll. And there's not a single extra roll of Charmin in the cupboard and no paper of any kind to be found. And we're at our girlfriend's friend's dinner party. And we just dropped a major deuce that would make Godzilla proud.
Yea. That's what this Dolphins team does to us every week. Satisfaction followed by a sudden mix of extreme horror, frustration and embarrassment.
So stop it with the tormenting you assholes! If you’re going to lose, then at least lose extravagantly. I mean make it lavish. I want to be able to turn to my buddies after the game and go, “Wow! Now THAT was an ass-kicking!” Enough of this “almost got it” nonsense. Because I just can’t take the abuse much longer.
As for the highlights, I will say this about Ted Ginn’s touchdown: it was probably the only punt return for a touchdown I have ever celebrated two seconds after it was scored. The whole time Ginn was running, while the rest of the room was yelling “Go! Go! Go!!!” I sat quietly and waited for the inevitable yellow spot in the giant sea of green. Hell, even Teddy was waiting for it, peering behind him as he trotted into the endzone. But, no flags. TD is good. 87-yards. Team record. Sweet.
And as for The Mormon, you can read my super-serious-football-analyst-guy analysis on his debut here. He looked as I thought he would. Like a rookie. His passes were hurried and forced. The game seemed to move faster than he could think. But he displayed everything I was hoping for: great pocket awareness, nimble feet, smart decisions, no turnovers, strong presence in the huddle, and accuracy. He even called some coverage audibles when he saw certain blitzes coming. Oh, and his insistence on throwing the ball vertically and to Ted Ginn definitely won him some awesome points. The Legend of the Mormon is off to an okay start so far. Just need to convert a 3rd down every now and then. That would be great.
But here we are. Another unbearable Monday, waking up in a world where the Patriots are shoving sticks of dynamite into opposing defense's pants and are clearly headed towards 19-0, while the Dolphins are being run by fucking Snaggle Puss. We’re now 0-10 and looking at a Monday Night game on the road against what will be a pissed off Pittsburgh Steelers after they dropped one to the Jets yesterday. Thank you schedule makers! Your box of cat shit is in the mail and en route! I only wish we were playing on Thanksgiving Day this week, so that I can have an excuse to get trashed while watching the game and not have to worry about it the next day since there’s no work. Ah, fuck it. I’ll get trashed anyway. We’re 0-10. We’re the Miami Dolphins. It’s my right as an American.