Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Happy New Year Fins Nation!

A Happy and safe New Year to you, Nation! As always, thanks for being so kick-ass. Here's to an awesome 2008 for you and yours (and the Fins). And may all your goals and dreams for the new year come true! Mine is to do it with Jessica Biel.

Meet the New Nerdy White Dude, Same as the Old Nerdy White Dude

With Randy Mueller no longer around, reports have been surfacing everywhere that Bill Parcells is targeting Dallas Cowboys VP of Scouting, Jeff Ireland (awkward looking gent shown above) to take over the GM job for the Dolphins. Ireland is highly regarded around league circles as a dude who knows his shit when it comes to evaluating talent.

But the Herald's Armando Salguero confirms that Cowboys owner Michael Jackson Jerry Jones is a surgically enhanced douchebag of the highest order, saying that if Parcells wants Ireland, he may not be able to get him until after April's draft.

"Dallas owner Jerry Jones has said he would like to see Ireland 'advance himself,' as long as it doesn't affect the Cowboys before the coming draft."

What good would that do us then? What a Texas-sized asshole.

Reports have also said that Parcells wants Cowboys assistant head coach Tony Sparano (this guy. not this guy) to take over the Fins' head coaching job. Sparano could be interviewed as early as this week.

It's obvious Parcells is targeting his guys to come work for him. And that most of those guys are coming from Dallas. Jerry Jones is gonna shit. Yeehaww you rubber faced motherfucker!

Speaking of Dallas. Dallas is the name of Bill Parcells' daughter (she must be a stone fox!). Dallas is married to one VP of Player Personnel for the New England Patriots, Scott Pioli. Just throwin ' it out there.

**
Update [1:21PM]: Jay Glazer is reporting that Ireland is coming in tomorrow to interview for the GM spot.

Meet the New Nerdy White Dude, Same as the Old Nerdy White Dude

With Randy Mueller no longer around, reports have been surfacing everywhere that Bill Parcells is targeting Dallas Cowboys VP of Scouting, Jeff Ireland (awkward looking gent shown above) to take over the GM job for the Dolphins. Ireland is highly regarded around league circles as a dude who knows his shit when it comes to evaluating talent.

But the Herald's Armando Salguero confirms that Cowboys owner Michael Jackson Jerry Jones is a surgically enhanced douchebag of the highest order, saying that if Parcells wants Ireland, he may not be able to get him until after April's draft.

"Dallas owner Jerry Jones has said he would like to see Ireland 'advance himself,' as long as it doesn't affect the Cowboys before the coming draft."

What good would that do us then? What a Texas-sized asshole.

Reports have also said that Parcells wants Cowboys assistant head coach Tony Sparano (this guy. not this guy) to take over the Fins' head coaching job. Sparano could be interviewed as early as this week.

It's obvious Parcells is targeting his guys to come work for him. And that most of those guys are coming from Dallas. Jerry Jones is gonna shit. Yeehaww you rubber faced motherfucker!

Speaking of Dallas. Dallas is the name of Bill Parcells' daughter (she must be a stone fox!). Dallas is married to one VP of Player Personnel for the New England Patriots, Scott Pioli. Just throwin ' it out there.

**
Update [1:21PM]: Jay Glazer is reporting that Ireland is coming in tomorrow to interview for the GM spot.

The Muel Is Gone, Cam Probably Next

And so the purge begins...

As first reported on PFT last night, the Herald's Armando Salguero is now reporting that the decision has been made by Bill Parcells to can Randy Mueller. He could be gone by as early as today. Salguero also reports that Parcells has already told Wayne Huizenga that Cam Cameron will also be given the boot. The report says that Parcells has heard stories that Cam surfs the web too much, making sure his players are giving the right answers to specific questions on the team's official website. There have also been reports recently that some of Cam's decisions have been based on what he's read on the web from angry media and fans.

"Parcells told Huizenga he doesn't want a coach that is worried about blogs or website interviews. He wants a tough-minded, hard-driven football man who is more concerned with football than facade." (emphasis mine)

Looks like FinsNation.com is losing a reader this week. Damn. Fucking Parcells and his build-a-winner agenda! May your prize racehorses all contract anthrax and die and get turned into a batch of nation-wide recalled glue because it's glue laced with anthrax!

Asshole.

The Muel Is Gone, Cam Probably Next

And so the purge begins...

As first reported on PFT last night, the Herald's Armando Salguero is now reporting that the decision has been made by Bill Parcells to can Randy Mueller. He could be gone by as early as today. Salguero also reports that Parcells has already told Wayne Huizenga that Cam Cameron will also be given the boot. The report says that Parcells has heard stories that Cam surfs the web too much, making sure his players are giving the right answers to specific questions on the team's official website. There have also been reports recently that some of Cam's decisions have been based on what he's read on the web from angry media and fans.

"Parcells told Huizenga he doesn't want a coach that is worried about blogs or website interviews. He wants a tough-minded, hard-driven football man who is more concerned with football than facade." (emphasis mine)

Looks like FinsNation.com is losing a reader this week. Damn. Fucking Parcells and his build-a-winner agenda! May your prize racehorses all contract anthrax and die and get turned into a batch of nation-wide recalled glue because it's glue laced with anthrax!

Asshole.

Shine On You Crazy Mormon

Cam Cameron is going to get fired. Not so much because he's an idiot. But because he refused the will of God. Cameron defiantly decided against starting John Beck against the Bengals in the final meaningless regular season game and, instead, started Cleo Lemon because he gave us the best chance to win (Ed. note: someone! get me a vomit bag!) So God had to intervene. He smote Lemon with a hip injury (Ed. note: like Jacob!) and opened the heavenly gates of stardom for Beck to come in and do his thing. Lemon goes down, Beck comes in. On the very first play, Beck fumbles the snap, allowing Cincinnati's Chinedum Ndukwe (Ed. note: spell check just took a shit!) to recover the ball and run it back for a 54 yard touchdown. I'm not gonna lie to you. After that play, I was ready to hop on the next plane to Iowa so I could find Mitt Romney and punch him in the nuts.

It seemed, for that brief moment, that perhaps The Mormon was going to go the way of Tim Couch. Another highly touted quarterback prospect who fumbles his way out of the league and then succumbs to the lure of steroids so he could continue to suck but at least be really buff and muscular while sucking. But Beck was able to recover from the devastating start. And the dude was able to lead the Fins to two touchdown drives the likes of which John Joseph Smith himself would be proud of if only he understood what football was. (Ed. note: perhaps if we showed him some clips of the Redskins or Chiefs).

Beck was able to finish the day 13 for 21, for 135 yards, two touchdowns and a 96.3 passer rating. He rushed for his first touchdown and threw his second to Derek Hagan (Ed. note: he caught it!). When Beck had his groove going, he demonstrated a killer quick-release and showed a lot of moxie when the team was in no-huddle mode. Sadly enough, it took an injury to Lemon for us all to see what we originally needed to see prior to this game anyway. Coming into this week, there were doubts about Beck. Let's face it, in his last few starts, he resembled the piss-boy more than he resembled the heir to the Marino throne. Now we at least have been reassured that Beck can play the quarterback position when he gets the help (Ed. note: thanks Lorenzo Booker!) and gets into a rhythm (Ed note.: thanks Ted Ginn!). Thanks to the fact that Cleo Lemon can't scramble worth dick, and was able to get banged up, Beck was able to come in so that we, and particularly Bill Parcells, could see that he is just fine and that if we build around him, The Mormon can be a successful quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. Go get em, John! And for Godsakes, stop fucking fumbling the ball!!! Rub your hands on your magical underwear before every game, would ya!

Update: Thanks to Brandon from Utah (surprisingly enough, NOT a Mormon) for the John/Joseph Smith correction. John Beck, Joseph Smith, Joseph Beck, John Smith...they're the same guy!

Shine On You Crazy Mormon

Cam Cameron is going to get fired. Not so much because he's an idiot. But because he refused the will of God. Cameron defiantly decided against starting John Beck against the Bengals in the final meaningless regular season game and, instead, started Cleo Lemon because he gave us the best chance to win (Ed. note: someone! get me a vomit bag!) So God had to intervene. He smote Lemon with a hip injury (Ed. note: like Jacob!) and opened the heavenly gates of stardom for Beck to come in and do his thing. Lemon goes down, Beck comes in. On the very first play, Beck fumbles the snap, allowing Cincinnati's Chinedum Ndukwe (Ed. note: spell check just took a shit!) to recover the ball and run it back for a 54 yard touchdown. I'm not gonna lie to you. After that play, I was ready to hop on the next plane to Iowa so I could find Mitt Romney and punch him in the nuts.

It seemed, for that brief moment, that perhaps The Mormon was going to go the way of Tim Couch. Another highly touted quarterback prospect who fumbles his way out of the league and then succumbs to the lure of steroids so he could continue to suck but at least be really buff and muscular while sucking. But Beck was able to recover from the devastating start. And the dude was able to lead the Fins to two touchdown drives the likes of which John Joseph Smith himself would be proud of if only he understood what football was. (Ed. note: perhaps if we showed him some clips of the Redskins or Chiefs).

Beck was able to finish the day 13 for 21, for 135 yards, two touchdowns and a 96.3 passer rating. He rushed for his first touchdown and threw his second to Derek Hagan (Ed. note: he caught it!). When Beck had his groove going, he demonstrated a killer quick-release and showed a lot of moxie when the team was in no-huddle mode. Sadly enough, it took an injury to Lemon for us all to see what we originally needed to see prior to this game anyway. Coming into this week, there were doubts about Beck. Let's face it, in his last few starts, he resembled the piss-boy more than he resembled the heir to the Marino throne. Now we at least have been reassured that Beck can play the quarterback position when he gets the help (Ed. note: thanks Lorenzo Booker!) and gets into a rhythm (Ed note.: thanks Ted Ginn!). Thanks to the fact that Cleo Lemon can't scramble worth dick, and was able to get banged up, Beck was able to come in so that we, and particularly Bill Parcells, could see that he is just fine and that if we build around him, The Mormon can be a successful quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. Go get em, John! And for Godsakes, stop fucking fumbling the ball!!! Rub your hands on your magical underwear before every game, would ya!

Update: Thanks to Brandon from Utah (surprisingly enough, NOT a Mormon) for the John/Joseph Smith correction. John Beck, Joseph Smith, Joseph Beck, John Smith...they're the same guy!

Dear Bill... Get Ocho Cinco

Hey there Big Tuna. Caught you watching the game from a luxury box today. Lookin good in your school bus yellow, blue striped Izod! Did you have a big pretzel? For my money, the big pretzel is the best thing you can have at Dolphin Stadium. It's toasty, it's salty (or cinnamony), it's filling and it's big. And it goes down nice with a Budweiser or Bud Light draft. Anything else is too expensive with very little filling. The wings? The fries? The pizza? Pfft. No thanks. Unless you're the kind of person that likes to fart rocks for the rest of the afternoon. Big pretzel, Bill. That's the way to go. Big pretzel.

Anyway, I also wanted to ask if you caught a glimpse of Chad Johnson (pictured above) today? He finished the afternoon with 131 yards and 2 touchdowns. He hails from down here. Went to North Miami Beach Senior. And cheered for the Miami Dolphins. He's also pretty good. In case you haven't noticed, we're seriously depleted in the 'pretty good' department down here.  Well, Chad has made no secret that he'd like to be a Dolphin. And that he would welcome a trade. Oh ... but ... you did say that you don't want any "hoodlums or thugs or problem children" down here. And that you're big on character guys.

Never mind, then. I guess I can see where you're coming from with that. I can see why you didn't want Terrel Owens when you were with Dallas last season. He's just like Randy Moss. And we can see what kind of shenanigans those two rabble-rousers have wrought down upon their respective teams this year. Tomfoolery!

Yea, so I guess we're fine with Ted Ginn, Justin Peele, Derek Hagan and Marty Booker. So ignore everything I just said. Except the part about the big pretzel. Trust me on that one.

A cold Coors Light (and a big pretzel!) to commenter Jerry O for the tip.

This Will All Be Over Soon...

 
So this is it. Final game of the clusterfuck that is and was the 2007 season. Anyone out there give a shit? I mean, really. Anyone? Other than the fact that this may or may not be Jason Taylor's last hurrah in a Dolphins uniform, there really isn't too much to get worked over about.

Fins Nation seems to be more abuzz with the arrival of Bill Parcells' foot (the one that will be keen on kicking some serious front-office ass in the coming weeks) than they are about the Bengals coming into town this Sunday. Parcells hasn't said anything about what decisions are going to be made, but all indications are that Cam Cameron and his penis' days here are numbered. And don't think Cam doesn't know it. Why else would he be starting Cleo Lemon over The Mormon in the most meaningless game of the regular season? Because Cam is going down swinging. The Tunabomb is about to drop and he knows it. It's like Hitler's last days. Hunkered down in a bunker somewhere below the practice bubble, cradling a copy of "Fail Forward Fast" and telling Cleo and Trent that he'll love them both equally til the bitter end.

It's been a long, arduous journey, this 2007 season. One where we've learned a bitter truth about our Miami Dolphins. They suck, end of story. But hope has arrived in the shape of man-titties. And that, perhaps for the first time ever in the history of mankind, is a good thing. So, this Sunday, as you watch Cleo Lemon scramble around before getting sacked for a 12 yard loss, and as you watch Cam put on his best fart-face when trying to decide what to do during a 1st and Goal, and as you catch a glimpse of Levi Jones turning Joey Porter into his own personal hand puppet, just keep telling yourself, "This will all be over soon... this will all be over soon..."

Prediction: Dolphins 24 - Bengals 31
Parcell's Foot 48 - Dolphins Front office -3

And so long to moments like these.....

Thank Christ.

This Will All Be Over Soon...

 
So this is it. Final game of the clusterfuck that is and was the 2007 season. Anyone out there give a shit? I mean, really. Anyone? Other than the fact that this may or may not be Jason Taylor's last hurrah in a Dolphins uniform, there really isn't too much to get worked over about.

Fins Nation seems to be more abuzz with the arrival of Bill Parcells' foot (the one that will be keen on kicking some serious front-office ass in the coming weeks) than they are about the Bengals coming into town this Sunday. The Tuna -- yes, that's his nickname, let's just accept it -- hasn't said anything about what decisions are going to be made, but all indications are that Cam Cameron's days here are numbered. And don't think Cam doesn't know it. Why else would he be starting Cleo Lemon over The Mormon in the most meaningless game of the regular season? Because Cam is going down swinging. The Tunabomb is about to drop and he knows it. It's like Hitler's last days. Hunkered down in a bunker somewhere below the practice bubble, cradling a copy of "Fail Forward Fast" and telling Cleo and Trent that he'll love them both equally til the bitter end.

It's been a long, arduous journey, this 2007 season. And by "long" I mean "fucking." And by "arduous" I mean "shitty." One where we've learned a bitter truth about our Miami Dolphins. They suck, end of story. But hope has arrived in the shape of man-titties. And that, perhaps for the first time ever in the history of mankind, is a good thing. So, this Sunday, as you watch Cleo Lemon scramble around before getting sacked for a 12 yard loss, and as you watch Cam put on his best fart-face when trying to decide what to do during a 1st and Goal, and as you catch a glimpse of Levi Jones turning Joey Porter into his own personal hand puppet, just keep telling yourself, "This will all be over soon... this will all be over soon..."

Prediction: Dolphins 24 - Bengals 31
Parcell's Foot 48 - Dolphins Front office 3

Oh, and, Let's Go Giants!