When your franchise is drowning, don't throw them a life-preserver. Throw 'em some man-boobs!
Greg Camarillo saves our souls from ruin and suddenly the flood-gates of dewy goodness have opened up for us in abundance. The interwebs have been going apeshit all day Wednesday -- including here in the comments, totally robbing my comic strip comedy gold thunder. The reports were ongoing all day. "Bill Parcells is going to Atlanta." "No, he isn't, he's coming here." "What the fuck you talkin' bout Willis? No he ain't!" "I'm tellin' you he's coming here for fucksake!" And so on.
But Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald has finally, officially, indubitably, made it official: Bill Parcells is the new man in charge of football operations for your Miami Dolphins.
Holy. And shit.
Parcells has accepted a four-year deal with the Fins and will be The Big Cock in town. Which means Cam Cameron and Randy Mueller's job security have pretty much gone from eating a pound of Mylantas a day, to stomach blowing up John Hurt-style.
My initial reaction to this news was simple. I was quietly optimistic on the outside, tap dancing with arm twirls and jazz hands on the inside. My feelings were then summed up when my buddy Layne asked me about the whole thing. Yes that's his real name. Layne's a Patriots fan. He's also a complete douche.
Layne: Hey, did you hear the news about Parcells to the Dolphins?
Me: Yea. It's just so serendipitous.
Layne: What's serendipitous?
Me: You know. That we came this close to going 0-16 after having such a crappy off-season and things were looking so bleak and we've been the laughing stock of the NFL. Then, in the wink of an eye, we have a guy who's known for turning bad teams around running our football ops.
Layne: No. I mean, what does serendipitous mean?
Needless to say, Layne's also a fucking moron. Needless to say, I'm pretty damned excited about this news.
Parcells is just what this organization needs. The Four Horsemen of the Crapocalypse sprayed their diarrhea all over this franchise, leaving us all with no place to take a shit in peace (wow that metaphor just took a life of its own, didn't it). Now Parcells is here to not only clean up their mess, but completely tear down and build back up.
That number one overall pick in April just went from "Oh shit, how are they gonna fuck this one up?" status, to ... "Oh shit, what magic will Parcells pull out of his ass with this one?" status.
Behold the power of the man-boobs.