Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender: Saying Goodbye to 54

Wow. Never in the history of this franchise has there ever been such a conflicting damn-this-really-sucks-but-this-was-a-good-move moment like this one. It's hard to articulate. Zach Thomas is a Dolphins icon. The kind of player that defines the passions of an entire fan base with his fervor and balls-to-the-wall approach to the game. Hard nosed, full throttle, all heart.

Zach Thomas was a freight-train every Sunday. A head-hunting gladiator seeking out the guy with the football so he could knock off his head and shit down his neck. This fan base fell in love with Zach as soon as he set foot on the field in 1996. He was a gritty kid from Texas, a 5th round pick no one ever heard of. The only thing we knew about him was that his father accidentally rolled the family pickup over his head when he was a kid, and the boy didn't feel a thing. But as soon as he hit the gridiron, he immediately turned heads and drew comparisons to Hall of Famer Nick Buoniconti. He came kicking in skulls and crushing opposing players into fine powder, and we immediately knew we had ourselves a star middle linebacker for many years to come.

He's a 7-time Pro Bowler and arguably the greatest player on the defensive side of the ball in Dolphins history. And as far as the Pro Football Hall of Fame goes, consider this: Zach Thomas has more career tackles than all the linebackers currently enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Sadly, his last season with the Fins was mired in concussions, migraines and a palpable feeling that he was inevitably going to be shown the door. It's a shitty way for a legend to end his 12-year marriage with this team and its fans. But that's the cold reality of this business. Zach's age, recent injury issues and hefty contract would�ve been too much weight for another team to trade for him. His release frees up Miami's salary cap space and officially signals the call of a franchise building for the future. So the bottom line is that it was a good business decision by the Dolphins to cut him.

But it still stings like a bitch.

Zach Thomas is the Miami Dolphins. In as much as Dan Marino and Don Shula are. This team might be improved in the future without him. But this team will never be the same.

So, good luck Zach. We love you. Thanks for everything. Thanks for giving us all you got and nothing less. Thanks for your blood, sweat and tears. Thanks for being a class act. Thanks for signing those autographs for me. Thanks for representing us with your fearlessness and determination every Sunday. We'll see you when they hang your name and number up in the Dolphins Ring of Honor. Then we'll be able to give you a more proper farewell. One fit for a true warrior.

Goodbye, 54.

(And please, for the love of all that is good and decent, don't go to the Patriots.)

Weekender: Saying Goodbye to 54

Wow. Never in the history of this franchise has there ever been such a conflicting damn-this-really-sucks-but-this-was-a-good-move moment like this one. It's hard to articulate. Zach Thomas is a Dolphins icon. The kind of player that defines the passions of an entire fan base with his fervor and balls-to-the-wall approach to the game. Hard nosed, full throttle, all heart.

Zach Thomas was a freight-train every Sunday. A head-hunting gladiator seeking out the guy with the football so he could knock off his head and shit down his neck. This fan base fell in love with Zach as soon as he set foot on the field in 1996. He was a gritty kid from Texas, a 5th round pick no one ever heard of. The only thing we knew about him was that his father accidentally rolled the family pickup over his head when he was a kid, and the boy didn't feel a thing. But as soon as he hit the gridiron, he immediately turned heads and drew comparisons to Hall of Famer Nick Buoniconti. He came kicking in skulls and crushing opposing players into fine powder, and we immediately knew we had ourselves a star middle linebacker for many years to come.

He's a 7-time Pro Bowler and arguably the greatest player on the defensive side of the ball in Dolphins history. And as far as the Pro Football Hall of Fame goes, consider this: Zach Thomas has more career tackles than all the linebackers currently enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Sadly, his last season with the Fins was mired in concussions, migraines and a palpable feeling that he was inevitably going to be shown the door. It's a shitty way for a legend to end his 12-year marriage with this team and its fans. But that's the cold reality of this business. Zach's age, recent injury issues and hefty contract would’ve been too much weight for another team to trade for him. His release frees up Miami's salary cap space and officially signals the call of a franchise building for the future. So the bottom line is that it was a good business decision by the Dolphins to cut him.

But it still stings like a bitch.

Zach Thomas is the Miami Dolphins. In as much as Dan Marino and Don Shula are. This team might be improved in the future without him. But this team will never be the same.

So, good luck Zach. We love you. Thanks for everything. Thanks for giving us all you got and nothing less. Thanks for your blood, sweat and tears. Thanks for being a class act. Thanks for signing those autographs for me. Thanks for representing us with your fearlessness and determination every Sunday. We'll see you when they hang your name and number up in the Dolphins Ring of Honor. Then we'll be able to give you a more proper farewell. One fit for a true warrior.

Goodbye, 54.

(And please, for the love of all that is good and decent, don't go to the Patriots.)

Holy Sh*t! Zach's No Longer A Dolphin! (Updated)

BREAKING NEWS: Jay Glazer of FOXSports.com is reporting that the Fins are going to release Zach Thomas today.

Update: The Herald's Salguero is confirming the news.

Update 2: Zach has released a statement.

Update 3: The Miami Dolphins have made it official.

Holy Sh*t! Zach's No Longer A Dolphin! (Updated)

BREAKING NEWS: Jay Glazer of FOXSports.com is reporting that the Fins are going to release Zach Thomas today.

Update: The Herald's Salguero is confirming the news.

Update 2: Zach has released a statement.

Update 3: The Miami Dolphins have made it official.

Let's Talk Free Agents: Offense

Continuing our free agent talk from yesterday, we now turn to the offense:

Offensive Line

The Dolphins released LJ Shelton and Anthony Alabi this week. Which means they're definitely in the market for some beef. Some have said this makes it a sure thing that Parcells will draft Jake Long. Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet on that one. I don't see Tuna pinning his hopes and John Beck's life on a rookie O-lineman. The OL free agent class is fairly deep, so I expect the Fins to dive in. Here are the best in my book:

1. (OT) Flozell Adams, Cowboys: The best all around tackle in this FA class. And, he's a Cowboy! Which is always a great sign for us. Get on the phone, Sparano!
2. (OG) Alan Faneca, Steelers: He's a hulk of a man. He's also been disgruntled with the Steelers since the beginning of last season. Faneca mad! Faneca smash!
3. (OG) Ryan Lilja, Colts: 26 year-old journeyman had a breakout season last year in Indy. 
4. (OT) Sean Locklear, Seahawks: He's had ankle issues and was suspended one game in 2006 for allegedly hitting his girlfriend. Not the kind of guy Sparano would want down here, I'd imagine.
5. (OT) Jordan Gross, Panthers: A great player who'd be much higher in my rankings but the Panthers plan on franchising him. Fuck them.

Quarterbacks

The deal with this quarterback FA class is that, well, it sucks. You know it sucks when names like Daunte Culpepper and Cleo Lemon appear as some teams' top QB offseason targets. But we need a QB or two for depth. So here are my favorites:

1. Chris Redman, Falcons: Yea, that's right. Chris Redman. I like Chris Redman. So fuck you. He's better than lettuce-for-brains Trent Green and shit-for-brains Cleo Lemon. Redman is the classic backup quarterback and is rock-solid when called to fill in (just like my penis! zing!!). Besides, I want John Beck to start next season. So Redman would be here strictly as the No. 2. And yes, I think he's the best FA QB option out there. Disagree? Eat a big bowl of dicks then, why don't ya.
2. Billy Volek, Chargers: Made his name during the post-season, leading the Bolts over the Colts in the AFC Divisional matchup. Still, he's Billy Volek. Which would mean we'd be one John Beck injury away from.... Billy Volek.
3. Rex Grossman, Bears: His career completion percentage is slightly lower than Redman's. Besides, he sucks. I mean, really sucks. And I guarantee you if he came down here, he'd be lambasted from day one by the radio/message board jackals. And no one wants that.
4. Josh McCown, Raiders: Holy shit. Bring McCown down here and we'd hold the record for most consecutive games without a QB uttering a single profanity. Still, with Beck and McCown on our team, that would probably mean the Dolphins would become God's Team. And that sure as shit beats them becoming America's Team. Fuck the stats, let's sign this guy. While we're at it, let's trade for Jon Kitna. Jesus approves!

Wide Receivers

1. Randy Moss, Patriots: How great would it be to have Straight Cash Homie on our side? Yea, it ain't happenin. If he leaves NE he's going to want boo-koo money. Anyway, I hope the Pats franchise him so he can get all pissed off and throw a classic Randy hissy-fit. That would be fantastic.
2. Bryant Johnson, Cardinals: He's the guy everyone grabs for their fantasy team whenever Fitzgerald or Boldin go down with an injury. I know I do. And my fantasy prowess makes me qualified to say Johnson is a great receiver. I would LOVE to see Bryant in aqua and orange. Wouldn't you?
3. Andre Davis, Texans: Solid number two guy who could really take pressure off Ted Ginn.
4. DJ Hackett, Seahawks: This guy would be the absolute balls if he could just stay healthy. Still, I wouldn't mind taking a chance on him.

Tight Ends

The TE class leaves a lot to be desired. Yet as craptastic as the group of available FA is, it would be a monumental upgrade to No Face. Hell, my trogloditic half-brother would be an upgrade. We keep him in the basement. His name is Mongo.

1. LJ Smith, Eagles: He's the only TE worth looking at. Great hands, good speed, solid blocker. And, oh yea, he's been franchised. Shitbombs.
2. Eric Johnson, Saints: If you like your tight ends brittle as an 83 year old woman with osteoporosis, then EJ is your man!
3. Ben Troupe, Titans: He's half-way decent. And, as mentioned above, would be a huge upgrade to David Martin.
4. Seriously, that's it for the TEs. Just those three guys are worth spending money on.

Talk it up, Nation.

Let's Talk Free Agents: Offense

Continuing our free agent talk from yesterday, we now turn to the offense:

Offensive Line

The Dolphins released LJ Shelton and Anthony Alabi this week. Which means they're definitely in the market for some beef. Some have said this makes it a sure thing that Parcells will draft Jake Long. Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet on that one. I don't see Tuna pinning his hopes and John Beck's life on a rookie O-lineman. The OL free agent class is fairly deep, so I expect the Fins to dive in. Here are the best in my book:

1. (OT) Flozell Adams, Cowboys: The best all around tackle in this FA class. And, he's a Cowboy! Which is always a great sign for us. Get on the phone, Sparano!
2. (OG) Alan Faneca, Steelers: He's a hulk of a man. He's also been disgruntled with the Steelers since the beginning of last season. Faneca mad! Faneca smash!
3. (OG) Ryan Lilja, Colts: 26 year-old journeyman had a breakout season last year in Indy. 
4. (OT) Sean Locklear, Seahawks: He's had ankle issues and was suspended one game in 2006 for allegedly hitting his girlfriend. Not the kind of guy Sparano would want down here, I'd imagine.
5. (OT) Jordan Gross, Panthers: A great player who'd be much higher in my rankings but the Panthers plan on franchising him. Fuck them.

Quarterbacks

The deal with this quarterback FA class is that, well, it sucks. You know it sucks when names like Daunte Culpepper and Cleo Lemon appear as some teams' top QB offseason targets. But we need a QB or two for depth. So here are my favorites:

1. Chris Redman, Falcons: Yea, that's right. Chris Redman. I like Chris Redman. So fuck you. He's better than lettuce-for-brains Trent Green and shit-for-brains Cleo Lemon. Redman is the classic backup quarterback and is rock-solid when called to fill in (just like my penis! zing!!). Besides, I want John Beck to start next season. So Redman would be here strictly as the No. 2. And yes, I think he's the best FA QB option out there. Disagree? Eat a big bowl of dicks then, why don't ya.
2. Billy Volek, Chargers: Made his name during the post-season, leading the Bolts over the Colts in the AFC Divisional matchup. Still, he's Billy Volek. Which would mean we'd be one John Beck injury away from.... Billy Volek.
3. Rex Grossman, Bears: His career completion percentage is slightly lower than Redman's. Besides, he sucks. I mean, really sucks. And I guarantee you if he came down here, he'd be lambasted from day one by the radio/message board jackals. And no one wants that.
4. Josh McCown, Raiders: Holy shit. Bring McCown down here and we'd hold the record for most consecutive games without a QB uttering a single profanity. Still, with Beck and McCown on our team, that would probably mean the Dolphins would become God's Team. And that sure as shit beats them becoming America's Team. Fuck the stats, let's sign this guy. While we're at it, let's trade for Jon Kitna. Jesus approves!

Wide Receivers

1. Randy Moss, Patriots: How great would it be to have Straight Cash Homie on our side? Yea, it ain't happenin. If he leaves NE he's going to want boo-koo money. Anyway, I hope the Pats franchise him so he can get all pissed off and throw a classic Randy hissy-fit. That would be fantastic.
2. Bryant Johnson, Cardinals: He's the guy everyone grabs for their fantasy team whenever Fitzgerald or Boldin go down with an injury. I know I do. And my fantasy prowess makes me qualified to say Johnson is a great receiver. I would LOVE to see Bryant in aqua and orange. Wouldn't you?
3. Andre Davis, Texans: Solid number two guy who could really take pressure off Ted Ginn.
4. DJ Hackett, Seahawks: This guy would be the absolute balls if he could just stay healthy. Still, I wouldn't mind taking a chance on him.

Tight Ends

The TE class leaves a lot to be desired. Yet as craptastic as the group of available FA is, it would be a monumental upgrade to No Face. Hell, my trogloditic half-brother would be an upgrade. We keep him in the basement. His name is Mongo.

1. LJ Smith, Eagles: He's the only TE worth looking at. Great hands, good speed, solid blocker. And, oh yea, he's been franchised. Shitbombs.
2. Eric Johnson, Saints: If you like your tight ends brittle as an 83 year old woman with osteoporosis, then EJ is your man!
3. Ben Troupe, Titans: He's half-way decent. And, as mentioned above, would be a huge upgrade to David Martin.
4. Seriously, that's it for the TEs. Just those three guys are worth spending money on.

Talk it up, Nation.

Let's Talk Free Agents: Defense

SI's Peter King says the Dolphins are poised to have a big offseason after releasing Trent Green, Marty Booker and LJ Shelton. With those guys off the books, the Fins' cap number has gone from $29 million to $40 million (sadly, my cap space is holding steady at $58.12) which means they are now free to throw their money at big-time free agents.

King mentions LB Lance Briggs, CB Asante Samuel and S Gibril Wilson as possible candidates. Yes and thank you. On all three. Of course, the Fins won't land all three, so they'll need to invest wisely.

Here now are my top free agents (Yes, real, actual football talk. The dick jokes will have to take the day off):

Defensive Line

1.) Albert Haynesworth, Titans: They'll be tagging his big ass with the franchise label. So, no dice. Fuck.
2.) Brian Young, Saints: Not to be confused with Bryant. Mainly because Brian is not as good as Bryant. Also, Brian is white.
3.) Tommy Kelly, Raiders: I'd rank him higher but he's coming off a season-ending knee injury. Still, he's a rock on the line. Plus, he sounds like a 1930's era gangster. Or a 1930's era boxer. Either one works for me.
4.) Isaac Sopoaga, 49ers: What the hell. What's one more Samoan?

Linebackers

1.) Lance Briggs, Bears: Now that Peter King has mentioned him as a target, we have no shot. Thanks for jinxing us you fat fuck!
2.) Terrell Suggs, Ravens: Baltimore has already said they plan on franchising him. Dickbags.
3.) Karlos Dansby, Cardinals: Another likely franchised player. Shit! Franchise tags are flying all over the place! Ahhh!!! Run!!!
4.) Calvin Pace, Cardinals: This guy is solid. He also punches glass windows for fun. That spells "badass" in my book. Or "douche." You be the judge.

Cornerbacks

1.) Nnamdi Asomugha, Raiders: Here's a guy nobody's talking about. Mainly because they can't pronounce his fucking name. Other than that, I think he's very underrated and a solid Pro-Bowl caliber player.
2.) Asante Samuel, Patriots: Is going to ask for Nate Clements money. We don't have Nate Clements money. He also has that "Shined in New England But Will Be A Bust Anywhere Else" smell all over him. Smells like bad fish.
3.) Marcus Truffant, Seahawks: 85 tackles, 7 INTS last year. That's more than the entire Dolphins defense. Look it up.
4.) Jacques Reeves, Cowboys: Hey, a Cowboy! Which means he'll definitely be a Dolphin next year. Not sure I like the idea of saying Jacques all the time when I talk about him, though. Mainly because I hate the French. So, if he comes here, his name will be Jack. Jack sounds American. Jack sounds badass. Jacques sounds like a pretentious artist who paints paintings of human ears on Coke bottles jammed up fat chicks' asses and everyone calls him a genius.

Safeties

1.)  Ken Hamlin, Cowboys: Those of you who read my old Miami Sports Dude blog remember how I LOVE this guy and wanted us to sign him last year!! But we had retards running our team, so he ended up in Dallas!! C'mon Ireland and Parcells! He's a Cowboy!! You are contractually obligated to sign Hamlin!!! Why am I yelling??!!
2.) Eugene Wilson, Patriots: Didn't play in the Super Bowl due to a sprained ankle. That game could've been a whole lot different had he been there. The guy has great cover speed. He also hits like a motherfucker, which is an actual scouting term. But injuries could be a nagging problem.
3.) Madieu Williams, Bengals: Sounds like a character from a Tyler Perry movie. Mad Williams sounds cool, though.
4.) Gibril Wilson, Giants: Solid all around player but will likely return to the G-Men. So, fuck him. Unless we sign him, then welcome!

Your thoughts.

Let's Talk Free Agents: Defense

SI's Peter King says the Dolphins are poised to have a big offseason after releasing Trent Green, Marty Booker and LJ Shelton. With those guys off the books, the Fins' cap number has gone from $29 million to $40 million (sadly, my cap space is holding steady at $58.12) which means they are now free to throw their money at big-time free agents.

King mentions LB Lance Briggs, CB Asante Samuel and S Gibril Wilson as possible candidates. Yes and thank you. On all three. Of course, the Fins won't land all three, so they'll need to invest wisely.

Here now are my top free agents (Yes, real, actual football talk. The dick jokes will have to take the day off):

Defensive Line

1.) Albert Haynesworth, Titans: They'll be tagging his big ass with the franchise label. So, no dice. Fuck.
2.) Brian Young, Saints: Not to be confused with Bryant. Mainly because Brian is not as good as Bryant. Also, Brian is white.
3.) Tommy Kelly, Raiders: I'd rank him higher but he's coming off a season-ending knee injury. Still, he's a rock on the line. Plus, he sounds like a 1930's era gangster. Or a 1930's era boxer. Either one works for me.
4.) Isaac Sopoaga, 49ers: What the hell. What's one more Samoan?

Linebackers

1.) Lance Briggs, Bears: Now that Peter King has mentioned him as a target, we have no shot. Thanks for jinxing us you fat fuck!
2.) Terrell Suggs, Ravens: Baltimore has already said they plan on franchising him. Dickbags.
3.) Karlos Dansby, Cardinals: Another likely franchised player. Shit! Franchise tags are flying all over the place! Ahhh!!! Run!!!
4.) Calvin Pace, Cardinals: This guy is solid. He also punches glass windows for fun. That spells "badass" in my book. Or "douche." You be the judge.

Cornerbacks

1.) Nnamdi Asomugha, Raiders: Here's a guy nobody's talking about. Mainly because they can't pronounce his fucking name. Other than that, I think he's very underrated and a solid Pro-Bowl caliber player.
2.) Asante Samuel, Patriots: Is going to ask for Nate Clements money. We don't have Nate Clements money. He also has that "Shined in New England But Will Be A Bust Anywhere Else" smell all over him. Smells like bad fish.
3.) Marcus Truffant, Seahawks: 85 tackles, 7 INTS last year. That's more than the entire Dolphins defense. Look it up.
4.) Jacques Reeves, Cowboys: Hey, a Cowboy! Which means he'll definitely be a Dolphin next year. Not sure I like the idea of saying Jacques all the time when I talk about him, though. Mainly because I hate the French. So, if he comes here, his name will be Jack. Jack sounds American. Jack sounds badass. Jacques sounds like a pretentious artist who paints paintings of human ears on Coke bottles jammed up fat chicks' asses and everyone calls him a genius.

Safeties

1.)  Ken Hamlin, Cowboys: Those of you who read my old Miami Sports Dude blog remember how I LOVE this guy and wanted us to sign him last year!! But we had retards running our team, so he ended up in Dallas!! C'mon Ireland and Parcells! He's a Cowboy!! You are contractually obligated to sign Hamlin!!! Why am I yelling??!!
2.) Eugene Wilson, Patriots: Didn't play in the Super Bowl due to a sprained ankle. That game could've been a whole lot different had he been there. The guy has great cover speed. He also hits like a motherfucker, which is an actual scouting term. But injuries could be a nagging problem.
3.) Madieu Williams, Bengals: Sounds like a character from a Tyler Perry movie. Mad Williams sounds cool, though.
4.) Gibril Wilson, Giants: Solid all around player but will likely return to the G-Men. So, fuck him. Unless we sign him, then welcome!

Your thoughts.

Dolphins Axe Trent Green, Marty Booker and others

 

The Dolphins have cut Trent Green, Marty Booker, LJ Shelton and Keith Traylor, among others today. They also cut Anthony Alabi, Anthony Bryant, Marion Dukes and Joe Toledo.

Toledo -- the guy everyone thought was a Nick Saban draft day steal even though his knees were made of glass, gone. Shelton is also free to go eat as many donuts as his heart desires. And Marty Booker is gone too? Man am I going to miss it when he catches a pass and then immediately falls down even though there isn't a defender within 10 yards of him. And Trent Green? Trent Green! Gone! Free to throw interceptions and die from brain trauma on some other team! Fuck and yes!!

GM Jeff Ireland sent them off with a statement:

"'This is never easy, especially since all of these players worked hard during their tenure here,'' Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland said in a statement. ``In particular, in the case of each of the veterans, it's especially difficult to release players who have been productive and valued members of the organization. However, we feel these decisions are in the best interest of the team. I want to thank all of them for their contributions to the Dolphins and wish them good luck.''

Nice. I would've said something more along the lines of, "Jesus these fucking guys suck. Damn. How can a bunch of so-called professional football players suck so bad? I haven't seen this much sucking since I saw Lindsey Lohan in a men's room at Mansion. And people wonder how this team managed to only win one fucking game. It was a pleasure showing these no-talent sacks of shit the door. I almost came in my pants when I made it official I was THAT excited. Good riddance you fucking losers! We wish them good luck."

This is why I can never be a General Manager. That and the fact that my horoscope today says I'm going to succeed in the business of homemaking and interior design any day now. Weee!!

Dolphins Axe Trent Green, Marty Booker and others

 

The Dolphins have cut Trent Green, Marty Booker, LJ Shelton and Keith Traylor, among others today. They also cut Anthony Alabi, Anthony Bryant, Marion Dukes and Joe Toledo.

Toledo -- the guy everyone thought was a Nick Saban draft day steal even though his knees were made of glass, gone. Shelton is also free to go eat as many donuts as his heart desires. And Marty Booker is gone too? Man am I going to miss it when he catches a pass and then immediately falls down even though there isn't a defender within 10 yards of him. And Trent Green? Trent Green! Gone! Free to throw interceptions and die from brain trauma on some other team! Fuck and yes!!

GM Jeff Ireland sent them off with a statement:

"'This is never easy, especially since all of these players worked hard during their tenure here,'' Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland said in a statement. ``In particular, in the case of each of the veterans, it's especially difficult to release players who have been productive and valued members of the organization. However, we feel these decisions are in the best interest of the team. I want to thank all of them for their contributions to the Dolphins and wish them good luck.''

Nice. I would've said something more along the lines of, "Jesus these fucking guys suck. Damn. How can a bunch of so-called professional football players suck so bad? I haven't seen this much sucking since I saw Lindsey Lohan in a men's room at Mansion. And people wonder how this team managed to only win one fucking game. It was a pleasure showing these no-talent sacks of shit the door. I almost came in my pants when I made it official I was THAT excited. Good riddance you fucking losers! We wish them good luck."

This is why I can never be a General Manager. That and the fact that my horoscope today says I'm going to succeed in the business of homemaking and interior design any day now. Weee!!