You want a Super Bowl prediction?
Pfft. I ain’t watching that shit! Why? Subjugate myself to 7 hours of media coverage of how Tom Brady’s farts smell like homemade cookies? And then another 4 and half hours of watching a game the Giants have as much a shot at winning as I do banging Maria Sharapova? Followed by another 5 hours of post-game coverage telling me how Tom Brady's semen is the cure for cancer? Mixed in with a Tom Petty half-time show? Yea, no thanks (I once met Tom Petty in a Key West bar. He was very cool. True story.)
But there’s no way of escaping the massive hype-wave that will crash down on us this Sunday like an unstoppable rebel force (a rebel force led by corporate America, Pats fans, Giants fans, Joe Buck and fucking Ryan Seacrest!). My Dad wants to watch the game. And my friends are going to have a Super Bowl BBQ party. I can’t tell them I won’t come, lest I risk being called a pussy. And no one wants that. Then there’s TV. Unless I plan on watching some movie about an abusive husband who gets his in the end on Oxygen, there’s no way I can watch TV because this shit is being covered on every damn network known to man. Shit, I heard Al-Jazeera has a whole day planned filled with human interest stories featuring the Manning family and Tom Brady’s various hair styles throughout the years.
The Internet? Forget it.
What am I to do? Surrender and join in on the banality? Nope. I’m just going to disappear for the day. It’s me, my bathroom, a bottle of Jack, and a stack of half-naked pictures of Marisa Miller (like this, this, this and this, just to name a few). It’s the only way to avoid this mess. Like my own personal fall out shelter. Except with tits and liquor.
So, here’s my Super Bowl prediction: Me 58 – My penis 0
Have a great weekend, Nation. And if you do watch the game, please be sure to throw chips, beer, guacamole dip, partially eaten slices of pizza and, if possible, a dirty diaper (or dog shit. Dog shit works too) at the television every single time they show that Carlos Mencia Bud Light commercial. Enjoy.