Unless you want to read a riveting story on why Josh McCown thinks he'll suck less in Miami than he did in Arizona, Detroit or Oakland, there's not much going on in the news for the Fins. So, with time and space to kill, we present to you a special news brief along with some commentary that is sure to piss some people off and earn us a lot of angry e-mails. But what the hell. Here goes: Your Miami Dolphins are now the all-time league leaders in Mormons! We currently have six Latter Day Saints on our roster. Here's your Miami Dolphin LDS breakdown (feel free to consult this list when you have your All Religion Fantasy Football league draft):
QB John Beck: The original baby! He is The Mormon. And he shall lead this glorious band of fantastical six Latter Day Saints!
Long Snapper John Denney: When you're the team's long snapper, you're going to spend a shitload of time on the bench. Why not spend that time reading? Why not the Book of Mormon? Nothing makes time go by between punts like a book featuring Native Americans and Jesus!
OL Shaun Murphy: At 6-3, 330 pounds and with a buzzcut fit for a psych ward patient, Murphy is just the latest in the legion of badasses throughout Mormon history. Badasses like Donnie Osmond, for example.
LB Kelly Poppinga: Will be a special teams stalwart thanks to strong legs powered by 12 hour bike rides through your neighborhood.
Center Samson Satele: As a Samoan, he's part of the smallest racial group in the United States. But the Church of the LDS wants Mormons to have like 12 kids, so it'll all even out.
WR Davone Bess: As long as Bess remains a Miami Dolphin, when the LDS Church leaders take their annual membership census, they'll know where they can find the black guy.
So there you go! Miami Dolphins, Mormon strong! Mitt Romney and special underwear wearers everywhere approve! And, hey... could be worse.