The Dolphins have announced their training camp dates. There are a lot of them.
And you can bet your sweet ass that I'll be at as many of these as I possibly can*.
Melting in the SoFla sun, drenching myself in a shitload of sunscreen, and having a bout of dehydration or two along the way. All so I can report to you about how Phillip Merling is attacking the tackling dummy with gusto. And so I, like everyone else who reports on these things, can tell you how our offense is coming right along and boost all our expectations to such unreasonable levels that we'll all want an umbrella shoved up our asses, and then opened, once the regular season starts after we remember and realize just how shitty our boys are when they actually play live games against other teams. Hey, it's what I'm here for. It's gonna be great!
Anyway, here's the training camp schedule:
*Translation: One.
July 26: 9 a.m.; 5 p.m.: I'll set my alarm clock for 8, wake up at 11, and get there at 12:30, right when the horn goes off and everyone goes inside until 5:00. July 27: 2 p.m. Or as we call it down here, "Swamp Ass Time!" July 28: 9 a.m. July 29: 2 p.m. "Swamp Ass Time" July 30: 9 a.m.; 5 p.m. Aug. 1: 9 a.m. 5 p.m. Aug. 2: 1:50 p.m.; 4 p.m. "Ten Minutes to Swamp Ass" and then 4:00? Weird. Aug. 4: 9 a.m.; 5 p.m. Aug. 5: 2 p.m. "Swamp Ass Time" Aug. 6: 9 a.m. Aug. 7: 2 p.m. "Swamp Ass Time" Aug. 9: Buccaneers at Dolphins, 7:30 p.m. Holy shit! It's pre-season already??? Awesome! It's just like getting a wake-me-up blow job! Only not as good. Aug. 11: 2 p.m. "Swamp Ass" Aug. 12: 9 a.m.; 5 p.m. Aug. 13: 2 p.m. "Swamp Ass" Aug. 14: 9 a.m. Aug. 16: Dolphins at Jaguars, 7:30 p.m. The regular season is close, I can smell it. And it smells like feet. Wee!!! Unlock the code!
July 25: Players Report to Camp: This means you, Jason Taylor!
