Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Big Tuna on HBO's Real Sports

I watched Bill The Cockpuncher Parcells� appearance on HBO�s Real Sports Tuesday night � all of two times � to bring you this special FinsNation report. Seeing as many of you probably don�t want to shell out the extra $10 or so for HBO per month so you can use it on two more 6-packs of Natural Ice or 10 delicious medium unbreaded wings from Flannigan�s, I thought I owed it to you all to parse on his interview with Andrea Kremer.

Based on a prior interview with 60 Minutes and an excellent piece on him from The New York Times several years ago, I was actually looking forward to this interview as I�ve been a fan of Parcells for some time now, years before his (inevitably brief) tenure with us. Let�s fire away with some bullet points:

�    In his 66th year, Parcells is looking downright horse-y. He must certainly feel a physical kinship with the ponies he loves to watch.
�    Incidentally, he says he can�t think of a nicer place in America during the summer than a horse ranch in Saratoga, NY at 6am. I, on the other hand, can think of approximately 68,935 nicer places in the Continental U.S alone.
�    He likens his current position with the Dolphins to being a �guidance counselor.� I don�t remember my guidance counselor picking my school, professors and classes when I was in high school. In fact, he didn�t do much of anything! Why didn�t you think of trading Jason Taylor for draft picks, Mr. Foster, you horsecock?!
�    Parcells admits that what made him quit coaching was after Tony Romo flubbed the field goal snap in that playoff loss to Seattle a couple of seasons ago: �I didn�t want to go through that process again. Too much blood.�  Sooooooo thank you for completely fucking up the most mundane play a quarterback can make during a game, Tony Romo!
�    Worth the time invested in watching alone: Old clips of Parcells absolutely ripping on players, including him telling kicker Matt Bahr to �throw up on your own time.� I wish I dated Parcells' daughter so I could get that kind of verbal abuse during a friendly game of Marco Polo at a family barbecue.

DRK: Marco!
Parcells: (wandering around the snacks table) Polo.
DRK: Tuna outta water!
Parcells: Go fuck yourself, son.

Big Tuna on HBO's Real Sports

I watched Bill The Cockpuncher Parcells’ appearance on HBO’s Real Sports Tuesday night – all of two times – to bring you this special FinsNation report. Seeing as many of you probably don’t want to shell out the extra $10 or so for HBO per month so you can use it on two more 6-packs of Natural Ice or 10 delicious medium unbreaded wings from Flannigan’s, I thought I owed it to you all to parse on his interview with Andrea Kremer.

Based on a prior interview with 60 Minutes and an excellent piece on him from The New York Times several years ago, I was actually looking forward to this interview as I’ve been a fan of Parcells for some time now, years before his (inevitably brief) tenure with us. Let’s fire away with some bullet points:

•    In his 66th year, Parcells is looking downright horse-y. He must certainly feel a physical kinship with the ponies he loves to watch.
•    Incidentally, he says he can’t think of a nicer place in America during the summer than a horse ranch in Saratoga, NY at 6am. I, on the other hand, can think of approximately 68,935 nicer places in the Continental U.S alone.
•    He likens his current position with the Dolphins to being a “guidance counselor.” I don’t remember my guidance counselor picking my school, professors and classes when I was in high school. In fact, he didn’t do much of anything! Why didn’t you think of trading Jason Taylor for draft picks, Mr. Foster, you horsecock?!
•    Parcells admits that what made him quit coaching was after Tony Romo flubbed the field goal snap in that playoff loss to Seattle a couple of seasons ago: “I didn’t want to go through that process again. Too much blood.”  Sooooooo thank you for completely fucking up the most mundane play a quarterback can make during a game, Tony Romo!
•    Worth the time invested in watching alone: Old clips of Parcells absolutely ripping on players, including him telling kicker Matt Bahr to “throw up on your own time.” I wish I dated Parcells' daughter so I could get that kind of verbal abuse during a friendly game of Marco Polo at a family barbecue.

DRK: Marco!
Parcells: (wandering around the snacks table) Polo.
DRK: Tuna outta water!
Parcells: Go fuck yourself, son.

Me so happy. Me want to cry.

Yup.

Me so happy. Me want to cry.

Yup.

And You May Say To Yourself, This Is Not My Beautiful Team....

The post JT era is underway. It's like the marketing gurus are telling us on every website, billboard, radio commercial, television spot, newspaper, bus stop and taxi cab rooftop: it's a new beginning! The genesis of a new era, the commencement of a new phase in Dolphins history.....

"They're not going to be as good," one former NFL executive said. "I think the arrow was pointing down (on Taylor's level of performance), but he's still better than anyone they have. ...Add it up and Taylor's trade Sunday to Washington for two draft picks makes the Dolphins - the NFL's worst team last season - worse.

Ah, shitballs.

So who will salvage our season now that JT is out frolicking in DC?

First off, there's 26-year old Charlie Anderson. With Houston for the first four seasons of his career, he was primarily a special team's guy. When he did line up at outside linebacker, he recorded a whopping 3 sacks. Parcells & Co. are hoping his size and athleticism fit into the 3-4 scheme. I'm hoping Megan Fox will show up at my door and sit on my face.

Then there's Quentin Moses, who is a straight up pass rusher. But he was drafted by Oakland last year, then released and picked up by the Cardinals and then released. The Fins eventually picked him up off waivers. Takes a certain kind of suck to be a journeyman in just your rookie season. There are also Matt Roth, Vonnie Holliday and Randy Starks -- all three are probably the best bets to make some kind of impact in 2008. Seriously? We're hedging our bets on Matt Roth? Ultimately, it'll be on the shoulders of rookies Phillip "Longshanks" Merling and Kendal Langford. Merling has the size, the talent and the elongated balls to be a star in this league. He just has to meet that potential. Langford is a project, but looks like JT with his size, physicality and athleticism. But these two are all about 2009 and beyond.

As for 2008:

The Dolphins hope [Joey] Porter, who had just 5 1/2 sacks, including only 1 1/2 in the team's first 11 games, bounces back in a scheme similar to the one he played in during three Pro Bowl seasons with the Pittsburgh Steelers. Blessed with quickness more than Taylor's flat-out speed, Porter, 31, twice had a career high 10 1/2 sacks, a total Taylor has surpassed in six of the past eight seasons.

Porter had been expecting to have a bounce-back season lining up opposite JT in the 3-4 this year. He was even commencing his patented shit-talking, telling reporters how offenses facing him and JT had to "pick their poison." Now, the onus is on Porter to basically be the play-maker on this defense now that JT is gone.

When asked for a comment about this, Joey Porter said absolutely nothing. Because right after he was asked to comment, he put on one of those fake mustaches and a monocle and held a pipe and started to talk like he was from England. "Blimey! I nevah 'eard o' this Joey Porter you're referring to, guvnah..." Then he ran away.

-The DUDE

And You May Say To Yourself, This Is Not My Beautiful Team....

The post JT era is underway. It's like the marketing gurus are telling us on every website, billboard, radio commercial, television spot, newspaper, bus stop and taxi cab rooftop: it's a new beginning! The genesis of a new era, the commencement of a new phase in Dolphins history.....

"They're not going to be as good," one former NFL executive said. "I think the arrow was pointing down (on Taylor's level of performance), but he's still better than anyone they have. ...Add it up and Taylor's trade Sunday to Washington for two draft picks makes the Dolphins - the NFL's worst team last season - worse.

Ah, shitballs.

So who will salvage our season now that JT is out frolicking in DC?

First off, there's 26-year old Charlie Anderson. With Houston for the first four seasons of his career, he was primarily a special team's guy. When he did line up at outside linebacker, he recorded a whopping 3 sacks. Parcells & Co. are hoping his size and athleticism fit into the 3-4 scheme. I'm hoping Megan Fox will show up at my door and sit on my face.

Then there's Quentin Moses, who is a straight up pass rusher. But he was drafted by Oakland last year, then released and picked up by the Cardinals and then released. The Fins eventually picked him up off waivers. Takes a certain kind of suck to be a journeyman in just your rookie season. There are also Matt Roth, Vonnie Holliday and Randy Starks -- all three are probably the best bets to make some kind of impact in 2008. Seriously? We're hedging our bets on Matt Roth? Ultimately, it'll be on the shoulders of rookies Phillip "Longshanks" Merling and Kendal Langford. Merling has the size, the talent and the elongated balls to be a star in this league. He just has to meet that potential. Langford is a project, but looks like JT with his size, physicality and athleticism. But these two are all about 2009 and beyond.

As for 2008:

The Dolphins hope [Joey] Porter, who had just 5 1/2 sacks, including only 1 1/2 in the team's first 11 games, bounces back in a scheme similar to the one he played in during three Pro Bowl seasons with the Pittsburgh Steelers. Blessed with quickness more than Taylor's flat-out speed, Porter, 31, twice had a career high 10 1/2 sacks, a total Taylor has surpassed in six of the past eight seasons.

Porter had been expecting to have a bounce-back season lining up opposite JT in the 3-4 this year. He was even commencing his patented shit-talking, telling reporters how offenses facing him and JT had to "pick their poison." Now, the onus is on Porter to basically be the play-maker on this defense now that JT is gone.

When asked for a comment about this, Joey Porter said absolutely nothing. Because right after he was asked to comment, he put on one of those fake mustaches and a monocle and held a pipe and started to talk like he was from England. "Blimey! I nevah 'eard o' this Joey Porter you're referring to, guvnah..." Then he ran away.

-The DUDE

The Departed: Reactions on the JT Trade Around the Interwebs

Unlike The Dude, I�m not much of a sentimental teddy bear when it comes to virtually any player wearing a Dolphins uniform as I�m really all about those colors and that logo [Editor�s Note: I�ll never be like you, DRK!!! NEVER!!!! /storms out the house sobbing, clutching framed picture of JT to breast]. In today�s NFL it is very much �easy come, easy go� but it�s never easy to lose a guy like Jason Taylor. The guy was a badass on and off the field. It�s admittedly tough (during games, I used to mimic that little draw-a-circle-with-your-fingers-then-punch-through-it thing after a sack or big loss), but in a shocking twist, I actually agree with Armando Salguero�s view (read: kill me now) on the duality of the whole thing. True, we�re a little less talented and/or likable as a result of the trade but it�s also nice to get a move on with all the drama and focus on the very tough on-the-field battles and storylines that are sure to develop shortly. We can completely re-focus on the business of football and ignore the massive off-the-field egos that had shaped the last couple of months during the will he/won�t he phase of this ordeal. Will the real Charlie Anderson or Reggie Torbor please stand up???

Here are some reactions from around the league:

�    Mike Florio presents 10 bullets on the trade. (Incidentally, it does speak volumes that it was ultimately Parcells that pulled the trigger on this trade and not Jeff Ireland, as noted by Florio on ProFootballTalk.  Ireland was not seated at the big kids table yesterday)
�    Omar Kelly breaks down the replacements. "There are also a few long-shots to make the roster who COULD potentially step up their game in a major way." Random WORDS CAPS lock ALERT!!!
�    Peter King manages to stop talking about Mary Beth, the techno-voodoo wonder that is the modern mp3 player and how incredible that latest Diana Krall CD is to report on the rapid development of the JT trade. Interesting tidbit in that article mentions a rumored three-team trade that would have sent JT to the Giants, Shockey to the Saints and the Saints� 2nd and 5th rounder to us. Hmmm�
�    Jason Cole argues along the same lines as Salguero in that we need to improve for the future.
�    Some CBS Sportline writer talks about how JT is better suited for the 4-3 (which Washington runs) than 3-4 along with some other pro-Washington bullshit.

That just about does it. I spent a whopping 20 minutes looking through links that weren�t a variation on gut-busting headlines like "Jason Taylor Gets New Dance Partners In Washington" or hilarious ones like "Taylor Waltzes Out of Miami." So. Original.

As for JT: Shine On You Crazy Diamond

-DRK

The Departed: Reactions on the JT Trade Around the Interwebs

Unlike The Dude, I’m not much of a sentimental teddy bear when it comes to virtually any player wearing a Dolphins uniform as I’m really all about those colors and that logo [Editor’s Note: I’ll never be like you, DRK!!! NEVER!!!! /storms out the house sobbing, clutching framed picture of JT to breast]. In today’s NFL it is very much ‘easy come, easy go’ but it’s never easy to lose a guy like Jason Taylor. The guy was a badass on and off the field. It’s admittedly tough (during games, I used to mimic that little draw-a-circle-with-your-fingers-then-punch-through-it thing after a sack or big loss), but in a shocking twist, I actually agree with Armando Salguero’s view (read: kill me now) on the duality of the whole thing. True, we’re a little less talented and/or likable as a result of the trade but it’s also nice to get a move on with all the drama and focus on the very tough on-the-field battles and storylines that are sure to develop shortly. We can completely re-focus on the business of football and ignore the massive off-the-field egos that had shaped the last couple of months during the will he/won’t he phase of this ordeal. Will the real Charlie Anderson or Reggie Torbor please stand up???

Here are some reactions from around the league:

•    Mike Florio presents 10 bullets on the trade. (Incidentally, it does speak volumes that it was ultimately Parcells that pulled the trigger on this trade and not Jeff Ireland, as noted by Florio on ProFootballTalk.  Ireland was not seated at the big kids table yesterday)
•    Omar Kelly breaks down the replacements. "There are also a few long-shots to make the roster who COULD potentially step up their game in a major way." Random WORDS CAPS lock ALERT!!!
•    Peter King manages to stop talking about Mary Beth, the techno-voodoo wonder that is the modern mp3 player and how incredible that latest Diana Krall CD is to report on the rapid development of the JT trade. Interesting tidbit in that article mentions a rumored three-team trade that would have sent JT to the Giants, Shockey to the Saints and the Saints’ 2nd and 5th rounder to us. Hmmm…
•    Jason Cole argues along the same lines as Salguero in that we need to improve for the future.
•    Some CBS Sportline writer talks about how JT is better suited for the 4-3 (which Washington runs) than 3-4 along with some other pro-Washington bullshit.

That just about does it. I spent a whopping 20 minutes looking through links that weren’t a variation on gut-busting headlines like "Jason Taylor Gets New Dance Partners In Washington" or hilarious ones like "Taylor Waltzes Out of Miami." So. Original.

As for JT: Shine On You Crazy Diamond

-DRK

Saying Goodbye To JT

As has been well documented here, this is not something I wanted to see happen. But I knew that if an opportunity presented itself, Bill Parcells would indeed trade away our best player to acquire more draft picks. And yesterday, that opportunity came. After the Redskins lost DE Phillip Daniels for the season on a 7-on-7 drill, it was inevitable that they'd come calling about Jason Taylor. Washington offered two draft picks for him. Parcells accepted. And that, as they say, is that. Parcells got what he wanted. Two draft picks, including a second-round pick for next year's draft. Time will tell if those picks will turn into game-changing players and make our team that much better. Until then, all that's left for us is JT's legacy.

Jason Taylor is the greatest defensive player in the history of this storied franchise. He's also arguably its greatest athlete. And, in my opinion, JT is the greatest Dolphin after Dan Marino. The man flat out took over games and was an absolute force of nature on defense. Who can forget the way he'd frustrate Tom Brady every time the two faced off? Who can forget the way he singlehandedly beat the vaunted Chicago Bears two seasons ago? He was our undaunted resident warrior. A man who gave us a shot to win every Sunday and a man whose hatred for the Jets was just as intense as ours. His ability to excite us and get us to believe that no opposing offense was safe -- not as long as he had something to say about it, dammit! -- will be his bequest to all future Dolphins-wannabe-badasses. Quite simply, since Marino's retirement, Jason Taylor was not only the face of the Miami Dolphins. He was the Miami Dolphins.

He was the one constant for this franchise; a guy you knew would end the season with double-digit sacks, no matter how much talent his teammates lacked. The man is just a tall glass of awesome. He makes men blithe and women swoon. He is a sultan of badassery and an ambassador of ass-kickery. He has two speeds: fast and kill. His pulse is measured on the Richter scale. When you put his cock on any vinyl record, it plays The Beatles' Revolution #9, and you actually understand it. His family crest is a picture of a grizzly bear eating Chuck Norris. He is Jason Taylor. The greatest man in the universe.

Sundays just won't be the same.

So long, 99. Good luck and thanks for all the memories.

-The DUDE (self-proclaimed homo-for-JT)

Saying Goodbye To JT

As has been well documented here, this is not something I wanted to see happen. But I knew that if an opportunity presented itself, Bill Parcells would indeed trade away our best player to acquire more draft picks. And yesterday, that opportunity came. After the Redskins lost DE Phillip Daniels for the season on a 7-on-7 drill, it was inevitable that they'd come calling about Jason Taylor. Washington offered two draft picks for him. Parcells accepted. And that, as they say, is that. Parcells got what he wanted. Two draft picks, including a second-round pick for next year's draft. Time will tell if those picks will turn into game-changing players and make our team that much better. Until then, all that's left for us is JT's legacy.

Jason Taylor is the greatest defensive player in the history of this storied franchise. He's also arguably its greatest athlete. And, in my opinion, JT is the greatest Dolphin after Dan Marino. The man flat out took over games and was an absolute force of nature on defense. Who can forget the way he'd frustrate Tom Brady every time the two faced off? Who can forget the way he singlehandedly beat the vaunted Chicago Bears two seasons ago? He was our undaunted resident warrior. A man who gave us a shot to win every Sunday and a man whose hatred for the Jets was just as intense as ours. His ability to excite us and get us to believe that no opposing offense was safe -- not as long as he had something to say about it, dammit! -- will be his bequest to all future Dolphins-wannabe-badasses. Quite simply, since Marino's retirement, Jason Taylor was not only the face of the Miami Dolphins. He was the Miami Dolphins.

He was the one constant for this franchise; a guy you knew would end the season with double-digit sacks, no matter how much talent his teammates lacked. The man is just a tall glass of awesome. He makes men blithe and women swoon. He is a sultan of badassery and an ambassador of ass-kickery. He has two speeds: fast and kill. His pulse is measured on the Richter scale. When you put his cock on any vinyl record, it plays The Beatles' Revolution #9, and you actually understand it. His family crest is a picture of a grizzly bear eating Chuck Norris. He is Jason Taylor. The greatest man in the universe.

Sundays just won't be the same.

So long, 99. Good luck and thanks for all the memories.

-The DUDE (self-proclaimed homo-for-JT)