We're finally here! Training camp! Holy shit! It's almost football season again! My editors at Miami New Times have asked me to write up a preview of the Fins first pre-season game! And that got me very excited because I was like, yes! Pre-season is almost here! I can't stop punctuating every sentence with exclamation points! Top o' the morning to you! Tits! I won! Sale! Motherfucker! Cool! Ahhh!
Anyway, from the Herald, a training camp primer (with Duderific commentary in parenthesis):
When can I go?
The Dolphins will open 20 of their practices to the general public between Saturday and Aug. 14. Admission is free, but it's going to cost you a dollar an hour to park at Nova Southeastern's parking garage next to the team's practice facility. [What the fuck? Parking used to be free!! That's bullshit, NOVA Southeastern University! A dollar an hour to sit in the sun and melt while a bunch of dudes run around cones and vomit from dehydration? Sold!]
Where is it?
The facility is located at 7500 SW 30th St. in Davie. [Look! Cowboy hats and gun wracks everywhere! Yeeehawww!!!]
What will I get to do?
If you can stand the heat, the first 2,000 fans each day will get to sit in the bleachers overlooking the practice fields on the west side of the facility [Swampass soup. Mmm-mm good.]. Aside from the football, you will get to mingle with the Dolphins cheerleaders [I'm sure they fucking LOVE this part of the job. Talking to fat sweaty dudes who actually think they have a shot with one of them] or purchase food and beverages at the concession stand [Only if you'd like to pay $4.00 for a pretzel and $5.00 for a beer! Actually, I always eat at the Quarterdeck after I attend training camps. It's across the street from NOVA, air conditioned, and the food is pretty kick ass!]
Bring water [or you will die. Seriously], sunscreen [or you will die. Seriously] and a long attention span. It's going to get hot. And it's not always going to be as action-packed as you might otherwise expect. Also, leave any booze [Fuck!], glass bottles, cans, umbrellas and noisemakers at home. They won't let you in with them.
Can I meet the players?
After practices, a few players will generally congregate at the fence that separates the bleachers from the field [always the guys that have ZERO chance of making the squad do this. Look Frank! I got Doug McShitstain's autograph!]. That's your best chance to hang a football or a photo over the fence. Most players are pretty cool guys [except Doug McShitstain. He's a total dick.] They will generally sign as long as they don't have any meetings to attend right after practice [Actually, the best guy to get an autograph from is generally Channing Crowder, for whatever thats worth].
Have a great weekend, Nation. Keep it here for training camp updates.