After last week’s dissertation on all things Miami Dolphins, I figured I’d take it easy on you guys just this once. I promise to keep it semi-short and sweet today and there’s a good reason for that: this week kinda sucked compared to last week. Not only were we unsure of who the fuck wore what number, who our Opening Day QB would be and what the fuck that newly-minted-faggot Brett Favre might do, but now we don’t even have the crazy excitement that was pent up for 8 months. Before last week we were a whole 8 fucking months without Dolphins football. That was some painful shit we got through together, brothers and sisters – especially without a much needed photo gallery from Lady Phin or FinGirl22. Now? We’re left with the sobering realization that, yes, the season is here and, yes, our team resembles some of my oldest underwear: shit-stained and filled with holes. Nevertheless, there are things to look forward to – or not(???):
• I won’t lie. I took a Tony Sparano-sized-shit-in-a-Weston-pre-fabricated-home’s-toilet last Friday when I found out we picked up Chad Pennington. I came home drunk, had my Steelers fan pal inform me while laughing and I went to sleep very very angry. I couldn’t understand it. I’ve since come around a bit like the rest of you have, but as this second preseason week tends to do, I’ve taken a very skeptical approach to this. Yes, he’s deadly accurate and, by all accounts, a great leader in the locker room and in the huddle. He says all the right things. He’s fucking CUTE. However, he also has a 1-1 TD:Int ratio the past couple of years, he takes quite a few sacks, had only 19 throws over 20 yards and only 3 over 40. Some pedestrian shit since his injury in ‘05. At the end of da day (in Sparano-speak), the guy’s a gamer and, regardless of all that player-speak bullshit, he’s going to come out with something to prove. At the very least it’ll make that first game against his old team much, much more interesting. We need him to stay healthy and hold us over this year for the The Robot to evolve into the AFC East killing machine he is slowly becoming. Which brings me to my second point,
• I have a feeling John Beck is probably gone after this game. I think they’re sorta keeping him around to see how Pennington fairs through a couple of games and then he’ll be gone. They need a veteran QB behind Pennington. They can’t have the total clusterfuck that we had last year after Trent “Scrambled Eggs Brain, Please” Green went down. So yea, John. Sorry. We were all rooting for you but you simply did not fucking MAN-UP like you were supposed to. I’ll see you at the next Equity Conference. Remind me to ask you about how that crazy 2007 season went down from the inside. Also, fuck you Cam Cameron for picking Ted Ginn when you had Brady Quinn jumping up and down on your lap. You fuck.
• The D needs to get off the fuckin’ field on 3rd and 4th down. Bucs were 11 of 20 on 3rd down, which is totally retarded. They made both 4th down attempts. Fuck those assholes.
• The WRs: Hug me the next time you see me because my eyes will likely be welling up with terror and profound sadness because of these shit-for-talent douchebags. A point was raised in the comments as to whether we were going to seek a true #1 after this game in lieu of the fact that the WRs are horrible. I don’t know. I don’t see the Cards trading Boldin (Eddie Moore, Eddie Moore, Eddie Moore) and Chris Henry would certainly be an upgrade talent-wise but The Cockpuncher ain’t havin’ none of that crazy kid. I think we’re stuck, lovers. It’s sink or swim with Ginn, Wilford, Kircus, Hagan and Bess. /ulcer
• I’m guessing Henne gets most of the 2nd half snaps so it’ll be interesting to see how he rebounds from a rough practice week.
• The continued evolution of Matt Roth White Molasses v 2.0. He’s apparently been improving at his run defense but he’s not exactly Zach Thomas yet with the passing game.
• Rod Wright had a nice week of practice. I remember when we drafted Wright, I thought The Liar snatched that gra-vy right from under the noses of every other team. He seemed dominant as an All-American DT at Texas - even with the torn rotator cuff. I’m hoping he’s starting to round into form because he could be a solid body to put along the DL.
All in all, it’ll be a decent test of how our First Team stacks up against a very solid Jacksonville team. If they’re great, you don’t have to make out with your best friend’s wife or girlfriend this week.
If they suck, you can always watch Kitty Cat Man about 26 times. Trust me. It never gets old.
Always be rockin’, fuckers.