Funny how just as quickly as we were trumpeting the return of the season (even PREseason), we are now over-eager for that Sept. 7th showdown against the Jets. We can’t be bothered with watching Matt Mulligan or Courtney Bryan playing out there! You can’t seriously expect us to watch any more of Lex Hilliard unless we have to, right?!?! The list of dudes just waiting to be cockpunched has grown long and cumbersome (that’s for you 7Mary3 freaks) and there’s a whole slew of waiver wire pickups to be work-jerked. This is the sort of game where it might be best to put the sound on mute, make yourself a Tanqueray and Tonic and explore the complete works of Jandek – in order of release.
I, for one, am pleased to hear that Sparano may play the starters a bit. Not only does it make for more compelling football but I feel like it’s good to get them in that Sunday mindset already. Have them dress up, stretch, do the pre-game 7-on-7 and get the blood flowing for the season opener against the Jets. Sparano seems to be a creature of habit and I prefer this to the absolute shit-a-thon Cam Cameron had last year. I mean, can you imagine a rookie head coach with a crap squad taking the day off for the last preseason game? Even Belicheat doesn’t do that and they run most of their plays out of the spread like a goddamn high school football team.
Onto some keys:
• As Omar noted today, this is really a showcase for McCown and Beck as trade bait. I’m hoping we don’t see any of Robot Chad Henne tonight because we know what we’ve got there or, at the very least, have a good idea. We have no clue what the fuck John Beck does other than fumble snaps/fear solar rays and Josh McCown continues to confuse me as to whether he is actually indie film actor/wannabe noise rocker Michael Pitt just doing research for a role. (I’ve been dying to make that last joke for 5 months now)
• Will be interesting to see how the battle between YouTube sensation Chris Crocker and Jason “Bustaroo” Allen pans out. I’ll be keeping an eye on these two to see what sort of playing time they get and how it’s distributed. The knock on Double C was that he’s not much of a cover safety but Allen is going to continue to get shelved unless he can start making some fucking goddamn plays. That interception he flat-out dropped against KC would’ve shown us all something. He played tight on the WR, was in great position, had perfect timing on the jump and still came down with nothing. Kudos for the other INT he did manage to catch but he should have had two in that game. No excuses.
• Boomer Grigsby vs Regan Mauia. Seems Boomer has the inside track on this battle because of his better hands (which is a sad indictment on Reagan) and I hope he makes the team because he seems like one of those kamikaze-style motherfuckers that will cut up his own hair, torch it with a lighter and then spray paint it. Plus, I’m not a big fan of unchecked aggression.
• We need to see more Charlie Anderson and keep an eye out for a stand-up Phillip Merling. I’m very impressed with the flexibility that this coaching staff requires of its players. Sparano also had Jason Allen playing safety and corner against the Chiefs. It’s important considering the lack of depth on this team that players be able to play multiple positions. Kinda like your moms. I really like that about all of them.
• Please not too much Ronnie Brown, thank you. I know he can play. I’ve seen him bust 4-5 yards damn near every time he touches the rock. I look forward to seeing that again – when he’s healthy.
• We all know the Fins will be watching tape and mining the waiver wire for help at LB, OL and DB. Those are all crucial positions of attrition as the season goes along and we already have depth problems there before Game 1. The next few days should be active and relatively exciting on that front.
That’s all I’ve got, kids. Your observations/expectations/alliterations (though this was not one) in the comments, but let’s not kid ourselves: tonight’s gonna be a snoozer so no need to embellish the sucktitude.
Next week: I’ll tell you all about my plans to get absolutely knock-down drunk by noon before the Opening Day party at my house. I’ll struggle to remember a thing. Awesome!
ABR, F
-DRK
