I think Josh McCown and John Beck should give their hearts to Chad Pennington. Because he could very well be Jesus (Jesus was blond and spoke with an annoying southern twang, right?)
Anyway.... onto the highlights (and there were plenty!)!:
First Half Highlights:
- Best play of the game: A Ted Ginn Jr. 59 yard- where-the-fuck-are-you-going!?- oh-yea-run-motherfucker-yeaaa!!! punt return touchdown. Ginn caught the punt, ran backwards and just when it looked like he was going to get taken down for a loss, he crosses the field and takes it to the house. Cam Cameron is a fucking genius!
- What the hell has our first-team secondary been drinking lately? Because they are friggin phenomenal! Three games, three shut-down performances. And a Renaldo Hill INT to end the half to boot. Better play like this when it counts, boys.
- The D-line is looking ferocious. Big play: Crowder slapping the ball out of Brody Croyle's hand and our new OLB Matt Roth pouncing on the fumble.
- The very next play after that fumble recovery: Pennington hits Justin Peele with a beautiful pass down the middle into the endzone. The shit dick ref waives it off and says Peele never had possession. The red flag is thrown. The cock rocket ref fucks THAT up too, saying the call stands. Absolutely terrible call.
- Two plays later, Pennington hits Anthony Fasano with a 17 yard strike in the endzone. Fuck you pencil dick referee. We'll just have to earn this shit the hard way. Douche.
- Somewhere later tonight, there will be a Larry Johnson shaped shit floating around the Miami sewers. Johnson tries to run one way, he sees nothing but Dolphins, he cuts back to run the other way, he gets swallowed whole by Jason Ferguson. His backup is now in the game.
- Sparano in action: Constantly yelling at guys. Constantly yelling at the defense: "C'mon! Let's get off the damn field!" on third downs. All hail the Calves of Fury!
- Ricky Williams is looking solid.
- I've said this before, and I will say it again and again: Kendall Langford is the new JT.
Second Half Highlights:
- KC has a 4th and goal and decide to go for it. They hand the ball to LJ but Phillip Merling and his elongated balls greet him with with a bear hug and stops him from getting into the endzone. Longshanks is making his presence known!
- Justin Peelle's illegal formation negates a special teams fumble recovery. This is the kind of shit that gets guys cockpunched.
- The Robot comes in but has a so-so performance. Oil can! Oil can!
- Michael Lehan wants to let everyone know his ankle is just fine, thanks. Michael Lehan with the interception. For those keeping score at home, that's 2 INTs so far.
- Two plays later, Henne throws an INT in the endzone. Bob Griese is saying it's Justin Peele's fault, that he should have come for the football instead of letting the defender taking it. On the sidelines, Pennington is seen talking to Peele about the play. Cockpunch coming.
- I love Bob Griese. He's the last Dolphins QB to win a Super Bowl, he's a Hall of Famer, he's an all-time great. But his color-commenting is off the charts shitty. In one five minute rant session, he rambles on about the shit dick ref Al Riveran and tells us his whole life story. Bobb-o. Shut the fuck up. No one cares. He's a fucking referee.
- There's Merling again, recording an 8-yard sack. Longshanks!
- Jalen Parmele busts an 80 yard run. Patrick Cobbs might be out of a job in a week.
- Third and goal, Parmele takes the hand off, and gets into the endzone on his second effort. Jeff Ireland can be seen in the owner's box pumping his fist. Parcells is sitting next to him and has a look on his face that says, "Calm down, Jeffy. It's fucking pre-season."
- It's now Dolphins 24 - KC 0. Holy. And fuck.
- John Beck comes in to play clean up.
- John Beck is cursed. On 3rd down, he gets a bad snap that is fumbled. Not his fault, but fumbles just seem to find this guy all the time. Yeesh.
- Jason Allen intercepts a tipped pass. That's three INTs for the D, and that's your ball game.
Final Thoughts: 24-0! Weee! Look, I realize we just won a meaningless pre-season game against one of the worst teams in the NFL. But I'd like to kindly point out that you, sir, need to shove a Yield sign up your ass. Because a win is a win. And when it comes to this team, every win is meaningful. Chad Pennington is looking really good and the offense is following his lead. Ted Ginn finally looks confident and is beginning to show signs of, you know, talent. That's the Pennington Factor. There's a Pennington Factor? Yes, apparently there is. Ricky played well but clearly had a rough time running against KC's talented front line. This is why we need Ronnie to get back soon (and stop getting dinged up for fuck's sake!). If those two can pound away and wear out defenses, we'll be golden. The offensive line is looking strong. Smiley has been stellar and the two rookies, Long and Thomas, look like they've been in the league 10 seasons. As for the D.... man, oh man, do they look ready to roll. The secondary is shutting guys down, allowing the d-line to wreak havoc.
So, great win. Just let it translate into the regular season. One week from tonight, the roster must be at 53 men. A lot of guys did all they could to prove they deserve a roster spot. Parcells has his work cut out for him. Let the cockpunching commence!
-The DUDE
