Well, at least we’re not playing against Old Favre this week.
All that excitement and anticipation about these Dolphins quickly subsided at about 4pm last Sunday. All through the preseason we saw that slight glimmer of hope: the uniforms looked a cleaner shade of aqua, the lights of Dolphin Stadium shined a bit brighter on those helmets and we saw so much promise out of unheralded names like Langford (still a badass), Hagan and Donald Thomas.
Then it all came crashing down again.
Langford played great, Hagan was thinking about possible deductions for his 2008 taxes all game long and Donald Thomas was lost for the season. I went to sleep immediately after the game and didn’t wake up until the Sunday night game. I felt that horrible depression I carried around on my shoulders all last season after those Godforsaken 1 o’clock games. Monday was a total wash; didn’t get a single thing of importance done. I’m re-thinking my drinking habits if we lose again this weekend (note: I felt amazing on the Monday after the win against Baltimore last season). It sucks. Plain and simple.
However, we shouldn’t have really expected anything more than that. Just looking at how this team has been built (from the inside, and presumably/eventually, out) since the new regime took over, we can only expect marginal improvement along the line of scrimmage (stopping the run/offensive line symbiosis) and more of the same when it comes to the skill positions. It’s gonna take some time and we should expect nothing more than a 6-10 season. The 2008 season motto should be: “Proceed With Caution”.
Keys To The Game:
• Obviously we need to stop Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. That’s priority #1, in case you decided to take a ride on the Virgin Galactic spacecraft prototype this past week.
• We need to need to need to need to get to the gloved wonder that is Kurt Warner. That guy fumbles like he lathers 4 sticks of butter on his hands before each play. Turnovers are absolutely critical for us in this game and all season long. It’s the only way we’re going to win any games.
• It’s been a very long time since we were a #5 rated Run Defense (2002 and 2003, to be exact). Remember those halcyon days?? Well, we need to figure out how to stop the friggin’ run already. All I kept hearing was how amazing Ferguson was all preseason long. Enough is enough. Thomas Jones had over 100 yards. I know Edge ain’t what he used to be but I’m sick of getting run over. Goddammit!
• More Ronnie Brown catching out of the backfield. The Patrick Cobbs 3rd Down Experiment (note: trippy, jazz fusion bandname) is over, Sparano. Stop getting all Cam Cameron/Jesse Chatman on us. Utilize the little bit of skill our skill players have. Ronnie has hands like the pink, nicely fleshed out, well-fingered pussy of an 18yr old fat chick with big boobs. Use him like one.
• Ernest Wilford needs to be activated. I don’t care if he’s juggling anthrax-laced knives from kickoff until we reach the red zone. He needs to be in there for those Chad Pennington fades and lobs. I mean, we should be inquiring about Manute Bol at this point because Ent-like motherfuckers are the only solution that can make Pennington seem capable enough of getting the ball to a receiver every time.
• Tony Sparano. For the love of God, humanity and all sado-masochistic madams and slaves the world over, PLEASE use your timeouts wisely and have some confidence in your offense. I know you’re a rookie head coach but some shit just screams at you because you’ve been seeing it all your life. You’re a ‘tough, smart and disciplined’ whatever-you-want-to-call-yourself?? Well, peaches! Act like one.
My prediction: Arizona 24 – Miami 13.
I’m sorry and I hope I’m wrong. Otherwise, Sparano’s wife will have hell to pay and my Sunday and Monday will be shot all over again.